I don't know what to say...

[VaMountainMomma]

For the past couple of weeks, I've been telling myself to come in the folder. It took me that long to get the courage up, and now that I'm here, I don't know what to say. I took that quiz thing (not that I need a test to tell me something's wrong)... and I stopped halfway though, because all the answers were yes, yes, yes.

I can't talk to my DH about it at all. He just doesn't understand. He just tells me to cheer up, and then gets mad at me because he thinks I'm mad at him. He just has no concept how I feel, or how somebody can feel sad for no reason. He keeps hounding me to tell him what's wrong, and when I can't put it into words, he gets fustrated and assumes it's his fault. I can't drive, so I can't go to the doctor on my own (which we really don't have the money to anyways). I just feel so... stuck.

To make things worse, DS has colic or reflux or something, he cries nonstop. I'm starting to dislike nursing b/c he spits up so much. Why bother nursing when he's going to throw it all back up, and start screaming again? To be honest, I haven't really bonded with him yet. He's almost 2 months old, and I have very few feelings towards him. What kind of horrible mother am I, when it makes me cry just looking at him, and I don't mean from happiness. I'm so attatched to DD, when she was an infant and still to this day, I feel so sad when she's away from me. But with DS, I could care less. I just wish someone would come take him away.

I'm trying to be in a good mood, I'm trying to be a good mother and wife, I'm trying to put on a happy face and muddle through it, but it's not working. I'm trying my hardest though, and that's what makes it hurt so much, because I'm trying sooo hard and it's not working. :

Sorry, I don't know what the point of this post is... thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[sehbub]

Oh mama, I am so deeply sorry you're dealing with this.

I muddled through it too, and the only thing I can say is, find a support group of some kind, someone you can call in the middle of the night when you need to. My DH had no clue how to help, and he was so lost with a shockingly mopey wife that he just gave up and started leaving me alone. I finally sat him down and told him what I needded from mhim, and it was fine after that. With his help, I was able to come to terms with what I was feeling.

DD was born 10weeks early and was in the NICU for a month, and it took me another month or two before I didn't feel like I had to get away from her. I just felt like there was no way I could take care of her, especially since my body had rejected her already. How was I supposed to care for this baby who I didn't even recognize?

Don't be afraid to seek help. That's one of the biggest mistakes I made, as did my sister. Depression is not something that can be dealt with alone. We humans are incredibly social creatures, and as such need love, and support, and encouragement in our most dire times.

If you ever need anything, please feel free to pm me and I'll help you as best I can.

You are most certainly not alone, mama. Hang in there.

And if you can get your hands on a copy, read Brooke Shields' book Down Came The Rain. It gave me new insight in to what I was dealing with.

You can do this.

[ezrasmummy]

First off- you are not a horrible mother. Second- it is hard, all of it. Third- trying is just as good as doing.

Now- big hugs! You are brave to come to this part of the boards. It is hard to take that step and admit that you have even thought of the idea of PPD, let alone that you might have it. I have been lurking here since two weeks after my baby's delivery and just posted for the first time yesterday. Take a look around. Read enough to know you are not alone. Then take a few deep breaths and do what you need to do to get through the next five minutes. Then start on the next five minutes. Your baby is still small and you have your hands full it sounds like, is there anyone you can ask for help?

Maybe you could call the person who delivered your babe and just talk to them about your options. I know it is hard to believe there are options, but there are.

I will be thinking about you and yours.

[Irish_Blue]

oohh mama

I remember being terrified to admit anything much less that I had ppd and the horrible thoughts and feelings i was feeling. It can be such a scarry and lonely time, but like the others have said your not a horrible person for going through this, it's not your fault AND there are a lot of us.

I'm sorry you and your husband are having difficulty too, you need to be each others support right now. Do you think if you were to sit down and talk to him, perhaps even print out some literature on ppd that it might help? I also agree that finding a ppd support group in your area would be really helpful. Here's a url that might have a listing for your state:

http://home.earthlink.net/~thonikman...RT_NETWORK.htm

[gilnikche]

April,

You really do need to talk to someone that does understandd PPD. It made a world of difference for me. My hubby just had no freakin idea what was going on.

Postpartum Support International has a toll free helpline line now (yeah!) 800-944-4PPD

I also found a resource in your state:

VIRGINIA

Coordinator: Benta Sims

1801 N. Jefferson St.

Arlington, VA 22205 USA

Telephone: [phone]

Cell: 703.244.9232

Email: [e-mail]

Please come back to let us know how you are doing!