What should I do?

[KoalaMommy]

I'm looking for some honest opinions.

I've been suffering from PPD since DD#2 was born 6 months ago. It has been really rough, we brought her home, only to have her (and there for me) confined to our bedroom for the first week of her life while she was on phototherapy and an apnea monitor.

DH and his family have a strong genetic trend of depression. So I worry about my girls, I haven't wanted to take something that will pass through my milk and affect their brain chemistry.

So I've been counting on my DH to be understanding and supportive. Given that he himself is under treatment for depression, one would think he could understand. But he doesn't. The first time I brought it up, he freaked out and accused me of being a danger to our children. He apparently thought PPD meant I would become like Andrea Yates. So I explained to him I wasn't having psychosis.

Well We moved about 2 months ago and have been in constant transition. DD#1 is a very active toddler, DD#2 started crwaling this week, and our house is not baby proof. A couple of weeks ago, while DH (probably experiencing some depression himself) was being very mean about something, I brought up the ppd again, and he said "It's been 6 months, you don't have ppd!"

I am just so hurt by his lack of understanding. I feel sad, and more often lately, uncontrolable rage. DD is just being a normal toddler, but sometimes it makes me so angry, that by the end of the day when DH comes home, I can't feel anything but anger.

What can I do? What are my options? I don't know anyone where we are. I don't have any support networks. DH is clergy, so I really have to be careful at our church (which, of course compounds things). And after dealing with his response, I realize that our culture is NOT sensitive to ppd.

I just feel so helpless, and I thought my husband would understand and help, but he doesn't.

[magemom]

oh mama, i wish i had some faierie dust to make it all better. i am probably in the minority, but in my similar case, i took meds. but, this was after my first ppd having to be "perfect" to the public and no support from dh, alone, no phone, tv, in a foreign country with 2 small children and no transportation. That time i did it all on my own and it was nearly 2 years before i "snapped out of it" I would never recommend that to anyone. BF was the only thing that saved me, and when i weaned after receiving bad advice it was worse. To the point I was terrified with my 3rd pregnancy 8 years later that it would happen again. I had treatment lined up, but it didn't happen till around 8 months pp- after i went back to work out of necessity. Took some zoloft for a few months andwas fine. with my 5th pregnancy i was feeling like i did with #2 pp, but while pregnant. i started the zoloft again and 2.5 years later i am still taking it. not saying you would or even if meds are right for you. depression can be internal or external and can be treated differently. i think yours is chemical and situational (not that i am a medico, but have learned lots about depression over the years) play groups, a mothers morning out- even if you never leave the kids- just let them play with other kids while you and other moms can chat. do you have a library with story time? some activities to help you get out, your dc to have routine can go a long way.

with the age of your baby and how long the depression has been and especially clueless dh (i still have one) i would think a short time on meds till you are over the hump might be beneficial. that would have to be to your comfort level of course. at a minimum see if there are any MDC mamas near in find your tribe- maybe there are groups you could travel to?

hugs mama. it does get better.

[KoalaMommy]

thank you, especially for the advice on nursing. I was thinking that maybe I should just stop breast feeding, this from a mother who sobbed when I had to start supplementing with formula because my milk was dissappearing when dd#1 was 11 months! It's good to know that that's not the way to go

[magemom]

I had a long reply and it is gone.

I mentioned Zoloft by name as that is what I have taken while nursing and it was what was suggested and my own checking seemed safest since i had used it while non pregnant nursing with success.

My current nursling is 2 and shows no side effects.

[mamabeth]

hi there--
your "dh is clergy" caught my eye since I am clergy and my dh is too...

can you find someone totally outside the church, maybe clergy of a different denomination, to be a support for you? I know how hard it is to feel like you need to have it all together. Maybe (but not necessarily) a woman? take care mama.