He REFUSES to do his school/homework. I just want to cry! Positive Feedback NEEDED! - Page 3

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Just so you know where I am coming from -- I think that school should (though often doesn't) prepare children for "real life", at least after elementary school. And I think that kids need to do their work, even if they don't like it. And there should be consequences for not doing it. I just do not get the "its only homework" attitude. BUT I am not sure that this is entirely the parent's responsibility. I definitely think you and the teacher need to make a cohesive game plan to work together to find a something to motivate your child. After meeting with her though, here are some other things that spring to mind for me.

Since negative consequences aren't working, its time to get creative. I agree with others that it sounds like there might be issues for your child that haven't been addressed. And maybe its time to look deeper into lots of possibilities -- even if you think you already have before or you don't think they are the cause. Maybe, just maybe, there is something there you can use.

First, is there something physically wrong? Is he depressed? I know you said he was in therapy -- what does his therapist say? Does he need medication? Is he already on medication and it needs adjusting?

Second, if he is being bullied (which is what teasing is, and maybe you don't know the whole story), what is the school doing about that? I was routinely beaten up in middle school and I know what that can do to a person's mental health. If the school won't address it and you feel stuck, what resources can you (or someone else) give him to help him cope?

Is it possible that he has an undiagnosed learning disability? Maybe he is hiding "I can't" behind "I won't".

If it is geniune lack of motivation or boredom, are there other school options in your area? A charter school? A private school with financial aid? My child goes to a fantastic private school but we pay only a fraction of the cost. They don't advertise financial aid though, you have to ask. But maybe there is something out there that would help.

Finally, if he loves running, I would use that as a basis for lots of things. Have him read about it, do math problems around it, study the human body to learn how to run more effectively. Then, even if he isn't doing well in school, he is still learning something. And maybe enjoying learning will rub off a bit.

I don't know about your community resources, but maybe there are some special extra activities you could find for him. It sounds like he needs something positive in his life, and school isn't it right now. Our YMCA has children's running groups and fitness classes, with scholarships. If he likes running, maybe there is another indvidual endurance sport that he would enjoy that is more common? Gymnatics perhaps? Small is good there, though he would also be encouraged to build muscle and that might help with his self esteem too. Maybe if he has something good in his life, the rest will be more "bearable" and he will be more willing to work.

It sounds like there is a lot of work here. Good luck and I hope something clicks soon.

[arlecchina]

Originally Posted by alegna

Okay- I have taught kids like that- I WAS a kid like that, let me know if I'm on the right track.

He's smart.
The work is boring.
He feels smarter than the teacher.
The work is a waste of his time.

Do I have the right outline?

-Angela

I was like this and so now is my son. that last year is what led me to finally pull him from public school regardless of superdad's threats.

he was failing all classes from not doing homework...but all A's on all the tests.

.....which is the point, right? to learn the knowledge? forget it.

[eminer]

With some trepidation...I think it's easy for adults who found school work meaningful in some way (e.g. challenging, or at least a pleasing organization/housework-type project) to compare it to a paid job, and opine that completing work reliably is an end in itself. But going back to Angela's point, for some of us, writing 20 spelling words meant writing 20 spelling words that we already knew how to spell. For another kid, it might mean writing 20 spelling words that could easily be caught by spell-check. Even by comparison to the average corporate job (and that's saying something), school tends to be incredibly meaningless and inefficient. Even if I don't enjoy processing client data records over and over, I know that it needs to get done and has some value for the organization. "Practicing" skills I already know or don't particularly need to know just doesn't fall into the same category. And it's not as if there were a lack of opportunities to learn about doing boring work that needs to get done. It's everywhere. :

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by eminer

With some trepidation...I think it's easy for adults who found school work meaningful in some way (e.g. challenging, or at least a pleasing organization/housework-type project) to compare it to a paid job, and opine that completing work reliably is an end in itself. But going back to Angela's point, for some of us, writing 20 spelling words meant writing 20 spelling words that we already knew how to spell. For another kid, it might mean writing 20 spelling words that could easily be caught by spell-check. Even by comparison to the average corporate job (and that's saying something), school tends to be incredibly meaningless and inefficient. Even if I don't enjoy processing client data records over and over, I know that it needs to get done and has some value for the organization. "Practicing" skills I already know or don't particularly need to know just doesn't fall into the same category. And it's not as if there were a lack of opportunities to learn about doing boring work that needs to get done. It's everywhere. :

Actually, I hated school. I hated doing the repetitive work that I already knew and found Math to be horrifying, because of the teacher I had. However, I still did what was expected of me. That is my point. I don't know if this applies to the OP's child or not, but I have seen where parents don't think their child should EVER have to do anything that they don't want to do. That, to me, is wrong. We ALL "have" to do things we find distasteful or boring. That is life.

I hope the OP finds another way. It sounds like her child goes beyond the average child who just decides to be lazy every so often. (yes, they do exist) He sounds like he has some issues that need to be addressed. I also wonder if he is being picked on.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by eminer

But going back to Angela's point, for some of us, writing 20 spelling words meant writing 20 spelling words that we already knew how to spell.

OK, so the big question for the OP would seem to be, does your son actually know the material? If he's skipping homework and classwork,but acing the tests, that's a different issue than if he's skipping the work and failing the tests. There are two very different scenarios there. So maybe the OP could help us focus on the one that is more relevant to her son's situation?

[lisac77]

Originally Posted by Bestbirths

Sometimes children who have been through trauma can benefit from unschooling. Unschooling doesn't cost very much money, at first the child just gets to stay home and decompress from school. Children who have been through trauma, their brains just sometimes shut down. They can benefit from staying home and vegging out for a year. We call the transition from public school to unschooling deschooling. At first, you leave them home and make no requirements of them, just let them play and do whatever they want. Think of it as a vacation. Then, they get to pursue whatever interests them educationally. Also, children who have been through trauma, we are finding need extra help sometimes to get their brains working back again. There are things that can be done, brain exercises. The Dance Dance Revolution game for the Xbox (also other gaming systems like PS2) , stimulates the brain activity that has been effected by trauma (it's the poor mans interactive metronome), which is a treatment that works for children who have been through trauma and their brains have shut down.
We checked out a book from the library called brain gym. It is from interlibrary loan. It contains simple exercises that stimulate the brain. Also we are doing one hour of exercise a day which requires balance. Bike riding, rebounder, skateboard, Dance Dance Revolution, Brain Gym, Scooter, and workout videos. Exercises that require balance stimulate the parts of the brain that are damaged by trauma.

We recovered from trauma by remembering two words in everything we did: simple and sacred. Any thing that did not embody these two words, we removed from our lives.

Even if you decided to keep him in school, what helped us was to lower that bar of expectation. Set it on the ground so to speak. So, what really bad will happen if he doesn't get his homework done? If he gets by with D's, he will pass this year, KWIM? He could still do the brain exercises and try to rest and relax while at home afterschool, but it would be more challenging.

Good Luck Mama

I wanted to quote BestBirths' whole post because ITA with every word she wrote.

I was this kid in elementary school. I had SID, which caused social problem, and I was teased mercilessly for YEARS. I also categorically refused to do my homework because it was stupid and I didn't think it was worthy of my time. I fought tooth and nail with my mom about it, and the only result from that was that my homework still didn't get done and my relationship with my mother was severely damaged. I know she was trying to "do the right thing" but it completely backfired in my case.

I was just about your son's age when my parents took me out of school. My sisters and I were homeschooled for two years. They used a curriculum, but not really, so it ended up being more like unschooling. I spent a lot of time watching TV and reveling in the fact that no one was telling me what to do. I studied things that interested me and spent many happy hours in the library just looking up stuff. I had a chance to find my love of learning again.

I went back to school in eighth grade (I was held back a year at this point - the best thing for me at the time) and when I went back I was READY for school. My grades were excellent and remained so for the rest of my high school career. I went to college and graduated and I've held a job for many years now.

Pulling your son out of school and giving him a year off may be exactly what he needs. It may give him a chance to mature and find his own way a little. I did almost nothing school related for two years and it actually HEALED me instead of ruining me forever.

I know how hard this must be for you, but it is hard for him,too. Hugs to both of you and best wishes....

[3boobykins]

I agree with everything BestBirths and many other posters wrote. If it is at all possible, I would personally remove him from school asap. I don't know what the homeschooling laws are for your state, but I would find out, and begin reading all you can about unschooling. For awhile I would just let ds BE, whether that means watching tv, playing, reading, running, whatever, or even doing nothing if that's what he needs. Being forced to learn what he's not interested in, or material being presented in a boring way may have temporarily squelched his natural and inborn desire to learn, but it can be recovered. I'm happy to hear that you're seriously looking into unschooling/homeschooling.

And for having a small child who is teased. DS, 6, is also a tiny guy. He hasn't experienced being teased, thankfully--we unschool (but I know it could still happen. He doesn't seem to be very aware it his size yet). He was born at a low birth weight and at 6 weighs just 33.5 lbs and is 43 in. tall. I don't know whether or not he'll catch up at some point with his peers, but it hurts me to think he could be teased at some point. He is taking a kung fu class now, and it seems to be doing a lot for his confidence. He's the smallest in his class, but is progressing well and feeling strong. Being small seems to be harder on boys, IME. Tiny girls are seen as cute and petite, but after a certain age it doesn't seem to be as acceptable for boys to be very small.

Best wishes to you, mama. I can hear see in your posts how much you love your ds. You'll figure it out.

[onlyboys]

Tummy--I know too well the horrors of the FCAT. And, if he "failed" last year then they are putting major, major pressure on him to pass this year.

Our Governor in FL, who may or may not be a pumpkinhead, has even devised pay for performance which will further pressure the teachers and students to attain passing grades on the FCAT. It's pathetic, and school in FL right now is little more than hoop jumping--from the students on up to the administrations.

My vote is to keep him home. Homeschool, unschool, just hang out, get his head together and then move on. I don't think he's benefiting from this year, as he's not doing the work, so change it.

When you say you cannot afford to HS do you mean the materials and such? How about if you just used the newspaper? I can think of a bunch of stuff that could start there--history, science, math, reading, etc.

Hope this helps!

[Tigerchild]

Tummy,

Obviously I don't have a kid your son's age. But I do understand a bit about this issue, since I have personal experience in the area (and can see the difference in how my situation was handled vs. one of my cousins).

First, if he really just wants to sit in his room all day doing nothing, I'd say your first problem is that he sounds really depressed. It sounds like you know there's stuff going on and he's been through quite a bit and you're doing all you can with that situation.

Second...this is going to sound really bad...but have you considered just backing off? Obviously yelling or whatever isn't working. But just simply sitting him down and saying that you know he'd like to be homeschooled, but that homeschooling requires a lot of self-motivation and self-discipline. You'd like to give him the opportunity to show you that for this semester. You won't bug him about his homework. You won't bug him about what happened at school. You trust that he knows the consequences--if he flunks his classes and doesn't catch up, he may well have to repeat them or go to summer school if he doesn't pass his grade, ect. You are available to help him however he needs it, but that he needs to ask you for what he wants because otherwise you're just nagging him and nobody likes that. If he can get things turned around, and show that he's capable of working on his own and independently, then you and he will sit down and come up with a plan for homeschooling and re-evaluate things after the semester is over.

And then back off. If he falls on his face (which he probably will the first semester) then you can be kind, but stay out of it. You can't make him do schoolwork. You can't. That's up to him. So really, it's his problem. The more you make it yours, the more he's going to resist or resent. You can be kind and supportive without being pushy. And if he has to repeat a grade or go to summer school, then so be it. If he's already struggling with other issues, then why not back off of this one and give him some breathing room. It won't fall into place by nagging or force anyway.

He might be asking for homeschool because he's lazy, sure (because he thinks he won't have to do anything). Or...he might be asking because he needs/wants some control over this area. Maybe a little of both. But it's probably worth giving him a shot to figure it out! And it sounds like he really needs your support and caring rather than being at loggerheads and fighting about this (esp. since you really can't win anyway!).

I can't imagine that backing off would be easy, because I can think of all the fears I would have for MY kid. But again, you're not winning now, maybe you both need some chill out time and time to flail around a bit to get your bearings.



This sounds so frustrating. I would feel so angry and irritated and exaperated and disappointed and sad. I hope that whatever you decide to try, that you will get some peace back! For what it's worth, I think you have been doing everything 'right', but sometimes you really need him to be a partner in it, you know? This is not your fault. Some things you don't have control over, same for him. I can 'hear' your love for him.