Hi, I am very tired since starting the Depakote. It feels like I'm stoned most of the time. Where I would've gotten really unwound emotionally and let my thoughts get away with me, now that all happens but I don't react to it. Well, I still laugh and cry, and I still think things and get confused- but since I feel dazed it just sort of passes me by without being a big trauma. Granted, I've only been on the meds 4 days now, so who knows if this is the meds or not. It feels like it. I don't normally feel so "zoned".
I have problems with relationships- thinking people are going to leave me if they love me. Or wanting to spend "too much time" with them. I don't always know what is what. That said, sometimes I have moments of clarity or what feels normal and everything is lovely. Today I felt really out of sorts. I love to go out with a coffee and muffin or donut to Border's lately and read. I did that this morning, in fact. I will bring the newspaper, and a book of mine or pick up a book and/or magazine or two at the store and just sit and read. I found a book I really liked called As Nature Made Him
and spent three days at 4 hours a day reading it till I finished it. Only reason I left was because I was getting hungry. I just like to sit and be among lots of people- talking, drinking, scootching their chairs around me-- hearing the coffee machines whirr- and feel surrounded, completely alone- where nobody knows where I am. The drowsiness of the Depakote and the warmth of wearing a jacket and a warm sip of coffee lull me. Eventually, I get so sleepy I have to go home.
I do worry about my kids. About my missing their lives. I take them out to do mom and kids things as much as I can. But these days of being sick with my belly and so tired on the Depakote.... Last night Istayed over at Christopher's house and thought about going home at 3 a.m. but fell back to sleep. At 6:50 or so, he woke up right after I did and said I had to go home- he worries that my kids will find me not at home when they wake up. All I want is the snuggles with him at times. We sat and watched a movie with his daughter, and I reclined on this pillow with "arms" on the end of her bed and he sat next to me in a chair. I just zoned out and watched. Its kind of like being on Vicodin, though not as "drunk".
As for living with someone with bipolar, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I think I tax Christopher to the max- and we don't even live together! My mom doesnt' know what to think of me and we've had lots of fights over my just "taking off" and she thinks I don't love my kids. It gets so bad sometimes that I just "have to" take off. Once I wandered around the neighborhood quite "detached" from reality. If that happens these days, I go to Christopher's to be somewhere safe- so that I can't go drive any further or wander places I shouldn't. I feel guilty about putting this all on him, sometimes.
Thanks for writing. I check in here to update when I have an update to post.
Probably post a lot coming up because I have so many dr's appointments, but also just so I have a record of how things are going, and of course to get to talk with people who have some idea of what I'm going through.