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Depression, PMDD, and Bi-Polar? UPDATED - Page 3

post #41 of 81
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Qerratsmom View Post
Hi Nathan1097!
Do you frequently feel sever agitation/irritation? Dh will lash out sometimes for hardly any reason.
Yup. Did that just today with the kids. I think things are bothering me that I am not aware of that does that so that the littlest thing seems to really bug me, YK? I find that if I don't deal with the feelings I KNOW are there, they just come back to haunt me. Like when I was feeling upset earlier, I started to get a slight stomach ache. So I let myself feel upset and the stomach ache went away. (Also helps that I can totally and completely relax with Christopher.)
post #42 of 81
Nathan, I've been reading your updates, I'm glad you've kept us posted.

I really identify with the questioning of what *you* are versus having bipolar disorder. I think you'll get to a point where you can tease out with is everyday life and your true self reacting to it versus a symptom of having bipolar disorder. Just the act of questioning your actions like you are shows insight into the differences. Hope this makes sense.

How long until you reach a therapeutic dose of Depakote? Sounds like you're tolerating it pretty well. Don't sweat feeling lazy or sleeping a lot right now. Some days are just, "Lay in bed days", kwim?

Qerrattsmom: I'm sorry you're dealing with such a tough situation right now . When I was still mood cycling a lot, I would go through 3-4 days periods of intense anger/irritability. Lashing out. The cr*ppy thing is, I knew I was doing it and was surprised at myself for acting the way I was. I just couldn't seem to get my brain under control.

There is absolutely nothing selfish about you wanting him to try out medication. IMO, If you have an illness, you owe it to yourself to try everything possible to be as well as you can be.

Hang in there, mama.
post #43 of 81
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Familiylove. Sharing posts in this thread has REALLY helped! I've tried ACOA groups IRL and online and I never could really identify with those people. Talking here about my thoughts and feelings and having people say "I know what you mean!" helps so much! Usually when I try to explain things, I can't, or they don't understand what I mean. So what you said about "testing out my actions" does make sense. God- when I get all detached like I was and am not sure what reality even is... just to be able to catch myself and say "now you're thinking negatively about things that haven't happened and may never happen and its in your head" (like I did yesterday and today), makes me feel better and "centers" me back in reality. How long have I lived worring about things that haven't happened, trying to "prevent" anything and everything bad from happening?!

As for the sleepy feeling, I'm feeling that right now, but I don't know if its because of the meds (which I took about noon) or if its because for some odd reason, after going to bed around midnight, I woke up at 5:20 and couldn't get back to sleep! I was wide awake, hungry and everything. So I went downstairs and got my eldest and said "Get dressed- we're going to Tim Horton's." He did and we did- brought back donuts and milk for the gang. I mean, the poor boy was sitting there, said he'd been up since 3:30 and was watching old cartoons and eating out of a loaf of white bread! He said, "You haven't gone grocery shopping, Mom..." True enough. I still am gonna do that. I guess right after school, although I may have to pick up the twins. Darn. Maybe I'll just have to go now. But I'm tired! Wah! We really are low on food though. Can't buy Tim Horton's every morning...
post #44 of 81
Thread Starter 
Qerratsmom, I meant to say that I hope your DH decides to take meds- and gets diagnosed and prescribed them, too! I'm still adjusting, but the changes I've seen are really nice. Going out with Christopher last night, sitting and having a WONDERFUL chat... Without all the intrusive horrible negative thoughts that I had been getting...to just enjoy the moment and laugh.... The sleepy part is not the best, but its a good kind of sleepy feeling so it is okay while it lasts. (I'm gonna try to resist it today because I don't have time and its kinda late.)
post #45 of 81
Thread Starter 
Been to the store and just sitting here waiting till 3:30 when I have to get the kids. I'm SOOOO sleepy! And I think I have a yeast infection. Yippee. OMG, I'd love a nap but its way too late. Zzzzzz.....
post #46 of 81
Thread Starter 
I saw the gastro doctor today. I was all up in arms ready to tell them off and demand an answer, but when they came in, they were very pleasant. Actually, it was one doctor. Then she went and got "the attending". She was a small Indian woman and he was a big, Caucasian guy. They said basically that my intestine is getting partially blocked by inflamation from the OUTSIDE due to scar tissue; that its open inside. There is no treatment for it and it is getting progressively worse. I need to ALWAYS go to the ER when this happens (unlike my mom not taking me the last two times!) because although the symptoms would be worse (!!) should a complete blockage happen, I can't really know and this can cause intestine to die pretty quickly, necessitating emergency surgery. (Just exactly what happened when I was a newborn, hence why I have all these problems to begin with.) He said in 20 years he's seen several people with my symptoms, though all of them had no physical reasons for their symptoms, unlike me. He said I could electively have surgery to remove the scar tissue that is in there already, but this only has a 20% chance of long-term success- the rest either rescar to what they were before or probably worse. I kind of jokingly said "Well could you put some vaseline in there to keep the intestines from sticking back and forming scar tissue?" He said "They tried that 10 or 15 years ago and it doesn't work." He did give me the name of doctor at another hospital that he thinks is very good to do the surgery, but its my choice about having it. Now, should the above emergency situation ever arrise, then they'd have to go in and then they get rid of the scar tissue at the same time. I have a hydrogen breath test still (in about 3 weeks) because I missed it before when I was sick. Once the results of this come back, they are going to start me on 2 weeks of antibiotics to try to get rid of any infection that might be causing this. The narrowing that happens when these flarups occur is like what happens during an asthma attack. I asked her if that's what its like and she said "Yes- good analogy!" Mainly, the only thing I can do now is go to the ER next time this happens. They were supposed to give me some papers to take with me if I ever need to go to an "outside hospital", but I am pretty sure they put a note to this effect in my file on the computer system today; They will give me an IV for rehydration, a nasal tube into my stomach, some phenegren for nausea and vommiting (I thow up dozens of times during one of these episodes), and morphine for the horrible pain. This way I won't have to throw up or be in pain. I told them about my stomach be distended when this happens and he said that's consistent with everything else and that I should ALWAYS go to the ER, as I said above. Just shows how lazy and IMO selfish my mother is when I feel this way. She said "no. Stay home" last time. All I can do in situations like these is call an ambulance as I am barely able to walk, nevermind drive.

So when I left, I was all upset. I sat outside on the steps of the hill between the hospital and the lower parking lot near where the emergency life copters "park" and cried. Its a GORGEOUS Fall day out today complete with cool air and blue skies and sunshine. It just hit me on the way out of the hospital that I very well could die because of this and that my options are severely limited in treatment and there is no cure. Christopher called, as I'd IMed him minutes before and we talked for maybe 15 minutes. I would never tell him this, but, he told me that I am not the illness - I am love and I am perfect and whole. That is something I try to believe, but I just wanted to say "Yeah. You told that bird that too, and she died!" (He found an injured pidgon a few weeks back and was talking to it and petting it and trying to calm it down so it could heal; however, when we came back it was dead. He said he thought it got cold and lonely. I dunno.) We talked some after that once I got home, too. Oh- and to make matters worse, when I got to my car, I had a ticket for parking "this far" on the other side of a no parking sign.

I also have a raging yeast infection (as of yesterday) so I'm on diflucan again. Otherwise, I got Nataleigh's bday present- a Barbie Pediatrician complete with office furniture and instruments. I think she'll like it. I couldn't decide between that, the vet one, and the horse stable one. However, the horse stable one was out because it didn't come with the horse- that made the price double. So now all the kids are getting bday presents from me on their bdays.
post #47 of 81
Nathan: I'm so sorry to hear about your health problems. It must be scary to have such a big unknown right now as to how you'll handle future episodes. I'm glad, though, that you'll have a standing order with the ER docs and nurses as to what you need when you are having problems. It helps so much not to have to go through the same "explaining the problem" ordeal every time.

It sounded, from your other posts, that you are feeling some good effects from the Depakote. That's great! The sleepiness sucks. I think it comes with the territory when taking mood stabilizers. But, I was wicked sleepy when I first started taking meds and I eventually just adjusted (about 4-6 mos). I don't feel any difference now.

Hang in there.
post #48 of 81
Thread Starter 
I'm trying a new diet. No meats except fish, no milk except rice or soy, no whole grains or wheat. No caffiene (or any kind of coffee). More fruit and veg. So far so good.
post #49 of 81
Thread Starter 
So far so good on the new diet today. I went out and had an hour massage which was WONDERFUL. My neck was so tight on the left side and now it moves normally. I got a salad w/o dressing from Subway and cooked some fish at home and had it together with dressing. We'll see how all that goes. Ordered the kids some pizza and now we're just gonna relax until bed time. Put on a sweatshirt.... Oh brother. They are doing paper airplanes. I guess I'm on airplane duty until bedtime.

Oh- and one edition: My masseuse made a comment to me about "that's what happens when you're anorexic and bullemic"! Then she said she didn't mean it, but things like that, you usually "mean" in your head for a while before they accidentally slip out. I didn't say anything back to her.
post #50 of 81
WOW, Thats a weird thing for her to say out loud. Do you know her well? Is she usually such a blunt person? I wouldn't worry about it though. I have a very thin frame and people are always making comments about me not eating enough and hinting at it being suspiciious. My dh always informs them "oh Kyra eats, believe me!" (I do like my food, just have a fast metabolism). That being said, My dh has lost a lot of weight because of his stomach issues and also when he is in manic phases I think he just forgets to eat.
post #51 of 81
Thread Starter 
I've been seeing her for over a year now and I actually was thinner than this last year. Or at least, weighed less. I did have my tummy tuck in December and since then haven't seen her much. I have more of a muscular frame but I have my squishy bits too. Right now I"m not that concerned about gaining weight- as long as I can EAT. I think in a manic phase you tend to not eat yes but also you're so "spazzy" that you probably burn more calories, yk?
post #52 of 81
Dh binges a lot too though, especially on sweets which just upsets his stomach more...
He's gone to an AA meeting tonight. He's been having a really down week. Feeling pretty depressed. I'm trying to wait very patiently for him to feel better and get on meds that work, etc. but somedays I just get really frustrated with him even thought I know its not his fault. He does try, and tonight he actually made dinner for the first time in probably over a year (we used to split dinner duty pretty much 50/50 (or atleast 70/30 ). Anyway, good luck with your stomach issues Nathan1097. I'm glad the diet is going well, we try to stay on a diet similar and it really seems to make a difference for everyone in the family. THink positive
post #53 of 81
Thread Starter 
I decided to go read my pregnancy journal with my middle child, this afternoon. In short, what I discovered is that my problems with my mother were there then, my stomach ache issues were there then (and weird guesses by various doctors), and my depression issues were there then. And I was still married.

I have flashes of things that makes sense to me re: my life but then they fade. Did go to Border's today and read "Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?" Its the sequel to "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" They're really interesting questions with interesting answers. Sometimes I feel like I should just go get a job, but then I remember that when I have jobs I don't do well or I quit. Or at least want to quit. I went to church yesterday feeling all happy about the prospect of being able to go and sing - something I love. Only to find that the director cornered me in the bathroom and berated me about having not been to rehearsal Thursday. (The day I got that bad news and then went shopping for food.) Choir hasn't been on that long- this year yet and at least one other I was out being sick with my stomach thing. She said "You can't just show up on Sunday and sing without having gone to rehearsals. You're a good pinch hitter, but that sends the message to the others that rehearsals aren't important." So that really took the wind out of my sails. I just wanted to spend time with friends doing something I love. That kind of thing irks me. I feel "attacked" when I don't feel I "did anything". Of course, Jonathan (my ex) said "Well you can't expect special treatment...." It iasn't as if I waltz in with an attitude. And I didn't feel I should say "Well I just was diagnosed with bipolar so you'll have to excuse my weird behavior." You know how churches gossip. I don't find it very supportive there. Jonathan said "You might if you did anything with them outside of church on Sunday". Fine- I went to the picnic... *sigh* So the part about jobs and quitting is that I'd found that someone else had taken over my locker and little box where my music goes up in the choir room. When I saw her after the service putting music back in my box, I said something and she said "Oh... They said you weren't here." And I said "I was sick." Seems I have been replaced. Again, loving and supportive. The director, too, in the bathroom before the service when I said "I've been sick" (and she knows this because my ex has told her updates) she says "Awww...." but totally incincere-like. You know when someone is "just saying that". That irks me worse than if they just laughed!

At least I am seeing times when I would've gotten unduely upset at someone- and didn't- or where I might've been all weirdly confused- but wasn't. I am thinking that's due to the Depakote taking more of an effect. I also am not as tired lately.
post #54 of 81

Thought you might need this
post #55 of 81
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Qerratsmom View Post

Thought you might need this
Thank you.

I got a call this evening from Christopher. He said something broke on his car. He sounded quite down about it. I asked was he going to take it in for an estimate tonight and did he need a ride back from there. He said he needed to make some phone calls first. When he called back he said he'd found a place and asked me would I take him there and then to work in the morning. I said of course. He didn't say anything after that except thank you, so I said "Are you bringing your sleeping bag, or will you need a ride home, too?" He said yes he will need a ride home. Tomorrow is my youngest's 5th birthday and we are having a party between 5 and 7 and I figured I would take Noah out after school and get him his birthday DVD as it only comes out that day. But maybe I will just got get it during the day and give him the disc. I thought he'd like to go and pay for it himself. Anyway, Christopher seemed very down about it- because his he knew he hadn't been keeping up on his car. I can't really offer to get him an oil change or anything because you know how men are. I did ask if he needed one and he said yes but he wasn't going to buy it right now. I asked if that is what he needs- me to drive him to work and from work tomorrow- and he said yes.

Anyway, that's not about me, but I'm usually the one who needs the support lately.

Oh- and the yeast infection symptoms are all but gone. One more pill to take Wednesday.
post #56 of 81
Thread Starter 
I bought Noah Curious George the movie just a bit ago, and ordered 2 dozen helium balloons. We're having his birthday party from 5-7, but I'll be a bit late. I had to drive Christopher into work this morning. Was very lovely actually. I got a tea and him a coffee from Tim Horton's and waited for him to show up at Belle Tire where he turned his car into the shop to be fixed. Then drove him about 1/2 hour into work. Had a nice time. I'm picking him up at 5 and then we're going to go get his car and then the balloons. (He'll find that out later.) I just can't fit 2 dozen balloons in my car! I'm going to ask if he wants to give the balloons as his present, as he said he can't afford a present too. Before I got the DVD, I got an oil change on my car. I cleaned it out last night, too- happy car now! (I didn't want Christopher riding in the sticky pit it had become!! Even the kids were beginning to complain. lol *ducking*) Was up at 6:15 this morning with bells on, got a shower, ate some cereal, said happy birthday to Noah, kissed the other two, did some laundry, and finally ran out the door to meet Christopher, getting gas in the car and two hot drinks from Tim Horton's on the way.
post #57 of 81
Thread Starter 
My first psych. appointment since the bipolar diagnosis is October 18th at 2. They say it will last about 2 1/2 hours. Doing better with the sleepiness although I went to judo today for the exercise and now I'm tired. Think I'll watch this old movie and plan on a SHORT rest. Supposed to be going over to Christopher's tonight- had forgotten he's working extra today, this morning. I'm all alone in the house except the cat. Just me and him. Kids went camping with my mom and her husband. Apparently they're having a grand time. I like the effects of the Depakote so far. Brain is less scattered, the crazy mania is under control. I still think similar things- like I want to run away, or buy stuff I don't need- but I realize this and don't do it, whereas before IF I recognized it I'd still do it anyway. The sleepiness is easing off. I was exhausted last night but that's because I'd been to the bookstore and talked with two people for 5 hours! I was ready to curl up in a ball and meld into the chair. So I went home and at midnight Christopher called all chipper- he was on his way back from Canada. We talked maybe 5 minutes but I was so beat I had to say goodnight. Judo today was good for me. Exercise always is.
post #58 of 81
Hi! Glad things are going well for you today. Dh has his psych appt on Oct 14. I hope it goes ok for him. He's really nervous. Otherwise he is doing much better these last few weeks.
Gosh I had a hectic day. Time to call it quits, I think.
post #59 of 81
Nathan: So glad to hear that you have your psych appt set up! 2 1/2 hours is a long time, but I think that it shows your doc is truly concerned with getting to know you and getting to the root of the problem.

How was your little boy's bday party?

Querratsmom Also very glad to hear that your Dh will be seeing someone soon and hopefully get some answers. In b/t now and his appt you might talk to him about keeping track of his moods, sleep, stressors, etc. Anything that would help the doc zero in on what might help him most.

I'll be thinking about both of you!
post #60 of 81
Thread Starter 
Hi all. Been better- but gained some weight from the meds. Not a lot but I can see it in my legs. Thought I was over the sleepiness but maybe its back? Last night I just needed to lay down at Christopher's for an hour or so. Then I went home and was asleep by 11 p.m. So tired I didn't even understand our conversation when Christopher phoned. We spent nearly the entire weekend together and then he visited tonight after he dropped off his daughter for rehearsal- for about an hour to chat. So that is nice that that seems to be going well. Even this afternoon, when I didn't feel so hot, my mom said she'd go get the kids for me so I ate some cheese then napped. Kevin came in and said he'd take the boys to judo with him and after about 20 minutes with Christopher over, they all came home within a few minutes of each other.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for, it seems. I saw her on Wednesday and she said she'd call "within a couple days" and she never did so I guess she hired someone else. But- I called and interviewed. Way better than i had done before. I'm kinda scared of jobs. Scared of living on my own although I felt SOOO at home and so right and so myself at Christopher's this weekend. Its such a small place, though, that "it is whawt it is" applies for now. He said he's thought about hwat it would be like to live with me- I dunno what he decided or thought. Probably that we can't afford it. He's worried a lot about money.

Querratsmom- please post about your dh's appointment.

Familylove, Noah's party went very nicely. I picked up Christopher from work then we picked up 2 dozen helium balloons and went to the party. He loved it! He and his cousins and sister and brother ended up playing with "Shark Park"- a HotWheels amusement park for the rest of the evening. Nataleigh (now 7) had her party on the 4th and that also went very well. They all saw their grandpa yesterday for their bdays and Nathan's actual bday is the 13th. Lots going on.
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