Does your child go into a public restroom alone? - Page 5

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by UUMom

And I might ask you what the big deal is if I choose to comment?

Commenting is one thing.

Being sarcastic and downplaying a person's fears b/c you don't agree/understand the reason for their decision is completely different.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

Let's be gentle with one another, please.

FTR, I wasn't picking out any particular poster. I am commenting, in general, on our culture.

We've become a society so fearful we build gated communities, put guns in our diaper bags, and now we won't let our kids use public restrooms.

If the statistics of danger backed up people's paranoia, I wouldn't bother commenting.

We are living in fear of our own making. That's not healthy for us, and certainly not for our children.

[onlyzombiecat]

I didn't start this thread to debate or judge other parents. As the OP, I would like to request that we let the discussions over teenagers' sexuality, the general safety of public restrooms, and living in a culture of fear go to new threads. They are all valuable topics for discussion but not really what I was asking about. I would like to re-focus this thread on how parents individually handle their older children using public restrooms alone.

Thanks.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

I didn't start this thread to debate or judge other parents. As the OP, I would like to request that we let the discussions over teenagers' sexuality, the general safety of public restrooms, and living in a culture of fear go to new threads. They are all valuable topics for discussion but not really what I was asking about. I would like to re-focus this thread on how parents individually handle their older children using public restrooms alone.

Thanks.

[UUMom]

I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

Pointing out that it's not possible to eliminate the fact that our older children will sometimes have to use a public bathroom is part of this discussion.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.

[Individuation]

I really didn't mean to imply anything about anyone's parenting choices.

To be honest, I was asking for opinions because this was all so far outside of my experience that I was wondering if I was a neglectful mom. Upon reading further, I think there may be cultural differences at work here: I grew up largely outside of the US, I've never lived in the suburbs, I don't go to big places like malls very often--so usually we're talking about a one-person restroom in a cafe or somesuch.

If I lived in a car culture and was often at huge multi-stall restrooms, and if I'd grown up with the (IMO justifiable) stranger-training that kids in America get, I would probably have, quite naturally and without thinking about it, accompanied my dd to the restroom much later.

When I was a kid, I was sent on errands at 6 years old. I wouldn't do the same, but I'm coming from that sort of mentality. So this is all a bit strange to me but NOT, as far as a can tell, wrong.

I wouldn't call anyone paranoid. I just wouldn't want someone telling me I was irresponsible for doing things my way, either.

[onlyzombiecat]

I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

Pointing out that it's not possible to eliminate the fact that our older children will sometimes have to use a public bathroom is part of this discussion.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.

UUMom- Those points are more general commentary on society at large though and for my thread I'd really like people to address what they do as individuals to handle the issue of their own older child using a public restroom alone.
I do think those are valuable points and would make a super discussion. I hope you will start a thread on the important topic of rejecting fear so it gets proper discussion. I'm sure it would attract more input from the MDC community if it was under its own heading.

[pinkmilk]

My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and requested not having me accompany him to the washroom...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by pinkmilk

...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.

: ultimately as parents we all have to let go.. ultimately they do grow up.

shay

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

UUMom- Those points are more general commentary on society at large though and for my thread I'd really like people to address what they do as individuals to handle the issue of their own older child using a public restroom alone.
I do think those are valuable points and would make a super discussion. I hope you will start a thread on the important topic of rejecting fear so it gets proper discussion. I'm sure it would attract more input from the MDC community if it was under its own heading.

Well, what I have done is put the danger in prospective. We have all been fed a lot of inaccurate information regarding strangers and the actual danger they pose.

Most children are harmed by peope they know. Most children are abuducted by people they know.

So, while that prospective might not help some, knowing the real statitics, and knowing we have been at the mercy of media ratings regading strangers, I choose to be cautious, but not overly -concerned.

The entire stranger abduction, , the whole stranger-danger hysteria, the devil -worshipping -day -care cults of the 1980's CA etc are creations of media, and do not reflect the true picture of danger.

Whether this approach can counter- act the media-frenzy culture that most people are dealing with, I don't know. But putting things in the correct context is a help to me.

[Bartock]

Sometimes DS 5 will go in by himself, if he decides to and I stand outside the door waiting for him.

[sunnysideup]

My preteen (11yo) and teen (13yo) would be insulted if I suggested they needed to be accompanied to the restroom. I can see where UUmom is coming from with her posts--it's shocking to me that the question is even asked of parents with children in the preteen-teen age group. That naturally gets you thinking about what causes people to feel they need to accompany their preteen into the bathroom.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by pinkmilk

My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and requested not having me accompany him to the washroom...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.

Yes. To smoother to the point a teen cannot use a bathroom without anxiety is not healthy place to be. We can see why some people worry, but to accept that it has to be this way is something I can't do. Real danger is real, but danger that is imagined is dibilitating and emotionally stunting.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by pinkmilk

My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and requested not having me accompany him to the washroom...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right.

Bold mine.

I think this is one of the keys....when the child expresses interest in not being accompanied. The parent can evaluate from there and decide what works for their family.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by UUMom

Plus, I don't have to think never allowing a child to use a public bathroom is a healthy reaction to these internet stories.

To live one's life in fear because once, a million years ago, an unsupervised 10 yr old in town was harmed is not how I choose to live my life, or how I encourage my kids to live their lives.

First, I'm still waiting for the post where ANYONE said children should never use bathrooms. You want to respond to that yet no one suggested that is the case. Instead what people have suggested repeatedly is that parents should look at their children's maturity and make a decision they are comfortable with.

I find it insensitive and belittling to the real pain of children who have been hurt to refer to it as "once" and "a million years ago". I would hope we are all aware that sexual abuse in many forms (most of course by people close to the child) is much more common that that and it isn't a million years ago but sadly something that happens way too often to way too many kids.

It is very possible to live ones life paying attention to risks and listening to your gut without living ruled by fear. My car has an airbag but I don't stay up nights worrying about getting in a car accident. It is possible to exercise caution and make appropriate decisions without letting it rule your life.

[prettypixels]

I don't want to live my life as though everyone is a kidnapper or child rapist, and I don't want to pass that message to my kids. I understand that other people feel differently.

I totally agree with this, IMO... I've seen posts on these boards where people are scared to let their kids play.. *in their front yard*... without direct supervision. I think I might've personally gone a little bit bonkers with that much supervision and would've wound up (personally, for ME) with way more problems than could have been prevented. I also believe that children are more likely to be harmed by people they know than by strangers; the difference between now and 20 years ago is that now, when a kid disappears, it is on the news every five minutes for five weeks and permeates our consciousness in a totally different way. (I'm not saying Amber Alerts are bad... just that 20 years ago we were not exposed in the same way to every missing child alert.)

Here's an interesting quote from a Mayo clinic article: "“Children need to learn skills and confidence, not fear and avoidance.” I totally agree with this. I plan to teach my kids to be hellions. In a library bathroom if someone approached them I can assure you THE WHOLE LIBRARY would know about it. Kids have recently escaped would-be kidnappers by kicking, screaming, fighting... my kids are going to learn to go straight for the eyeballs and ask questions later. Hopefully by giving them confidence they can walk through the world without fear, and know they DO have power.

ETA: The link to the article I quoted! http://www.mayoclinic.org/news2004-rst/2452.html

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by prettypixels

I totally agree with this, IMO... I've seen posts on these boards where people are scared to let their kids play.. *in their front yard*... without direct supervision.

I totally believe this is dependent on where you live.

My older three are out from without constant supervision just in the last year. We check them very frequently. My youngest (5) is never allowed outside without supervision.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by Roar

First, I'm still waiting for the post where ANYONE said children should never use bathrooms. You want to respond to that yet no one suggested that is the case. Instead what people have suggested repeatedly is that parents should look at their children's maturity and make a decision they are comfortable with.

I find it insensitive and belittling to the real pain of children who have been hurt to refer to it as "once" and "a million years ago". I would hope we are all aware that sexual abuse in many forms (most of course by people close to the child) is much more common that that and it isn't a million years ago but sadly something that happens way too often to way too many kids.

It is very possible to live ones life paying attention to risks and listening to your gut without living ruled by fear. My car has an airbag but I don't stay up nights worrying about getting in a car accident. It is possible to exercise caution and make appropriate decisions without letting it rule your life.

Roar, if you feel more comfortable accompanying your older children and preteens/teens into a public restroom, then that's what you should do. I don't know why you're so angry about my opinions on this.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by prettypixels

I totally agree with this, IMO... I've seen posts on these boards where people are scared to let their kids play.. *in their front yard*... without direct supervision. I think I might've personally gone a little bit bonkers with that much supervision and would've wound up (personally, for ME) with way more problems than could have been prevented. I also believe that children are more likely to be harmed by people they know than by strangers; the difference between now and 20 years ago is that now, when a kid disappears, it is on the news every five minutes for five weeks and permeates our consciousness in a totally different way. (I'm not saying Amber Alerts are bad... just that 20 years ago we were not exposed in the same way to every missing child alert.)

Here's an interesting quote from a Mayo clinic article: "“Children need to learn skills and confidence, not fear and avoidance.” I totally agree with this. I plan to teach my kids to be hellions. In a library bathroom if someone approached them I can assure you THE WHOLE LIBRARY would know about it. Kids have recently escaped would-be kidnappers by kicking, screaming, fighting... my kids are going to learn to go straight for the eyeballs and ask questions later. Hopefully by giving them confidence they can walk through the world without fear, and know they DO have power.

ETA: The link to the article I quoted!
http://www.mayoclinic.org/news2004-rst/2452.html

Yep Yep Yep

[Roar]

Originally Posted by UUMom

Roar, if you feel more comfortable accompanying your older children and preteens/teens into a public restroom, then that's what you should do. I don't know why you're so angry about my opinions on this.

As I posted earlier in the thread my 10 year old goes into the men's room alone.

Do you think that referring to people who exercise caution as "fear mongering" and referring to real children who were hurt as something a million years ago is what is bringing on the negative response here?