MIL vent -- need advice, about to separate our families

[Barefoot Farmer]

I'm going to keep this brief as I know MIL vents are full of emotion and sometimes not rational thought (well, at least mine sometimes aren't), but something has to drastically change in our lives and I need some wise women to help me make sure I don't take a wrong step here. A brief synopsis would be that my MIL has been ignoring my NFL beliefs and practices for 3 years (including dressing my DD is clothes I disapprove of, bringing DD to stores and letting her "pick out whatever she wants, advocating her watching TV, encouraging sweets (and ice cream when she is allergic to dairy), and the list could go on forever. MIL lives 5 hours a way and sees DD about once every 6 wks, sometimes for a week at a time. There have been numerous conversations about our parenting differences and our NFL beliefs. DH is totally on board and talks to his mom and his words fall on deaf ears. Only when I speak up, and rather drastically, do things ever happen. Okay, there's the history, here is what happened today: DD turned 3 yesterday and we had a beautiful day together, including playing outside with friends, a great dinner, and stories with her godfather. The plan was for MIL and family to come to our home for a SMALL FAMILY LUNCH, CAKE, AND A FEW GIFTS, EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. FIL (who we love and who is generally on board with me and DH) has been ill lately and couldn't make the trip for the lunch. I offered that DH and DD drive the 5 hrs to see her grandparents. I would have to stay home as I work weekend-nights. When I made this offer, I EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. When DH arrived, the house was covered in streamers, balloons, paper plates, the works -- the cake was a dress with a plastic doll head on top I don't know if my anger is overtopping my moritification that my daughter has been exposed to this. I just can't do this anymore. I can't accept her blatant ignoring of my wishes.

What should I do mamas?? Here is what I think are my options:
1. Call her tonight, when DH and DD are still there, and tell her she has hurt my feelings and I can't trust her. This is never happening again.
2. Write her an email, same as above.
3. Do nothing, just make sure DD is never alone with her again.
4. Make it so that all celebrations (including Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc) will now be permanently in my home. This would definitely cause family strife. . .
4. Somehow learn to accept that her way is different than my way and that my DD won't be forever scarred by this and other furture happenings. (I'll need help on this one).
5. Some other option that I haven't thought of. . . . .

Any advice is certainly appreciated. TIA

[alegna]

Well, thing is- you're the mom. Why are you sending your dd at only 3 (too young to speak up) to stay with people who don't respect your parenting wishes for a week at a time?

Now, personally the cake and streamers wouldn't matter to me- seems silly- but what is important is that they were not okay with YOU and you said so. Clearly there is no respect. If they weren't related would you send her over there? Probably not.

-Angela

[EStraiton]

What about the event has you so upset? Is it the plastic doll and the party or is it something else? I have many NFL beliefs but I also know that my MIL and my mother will spoil and buy my girls anything if they could.. when the girls go there they do get sweets and play with plastic toys and I don't think that will scar them for life - they also get lots and lots of hugs and kisses and love, and honestly that is what is important.

I'm not trying to negate your feelings at all.. but it seems that the visits are so infrequent and she lives so far away that it really isn't something that I can see as harmful (unless there is more that i'm missing). My MIL lives down the road and I have to bite my tounge almost weekly about sweets, tv and plastic at grammies but I feel ok about that because I do what I can at my house and I realize that what MIL is doing is out of love... believe me, that is what your child will remember.. not what was on top of the birthday cake.

Hope I didn't offend... I would just hate to see you make waves when MIL probably thought she was doing something really special for your dd and 'meant' well.

xoxo
eileen

[scoobers]

Sorry you're going through that. I know family troubles can be hard.

My MIL does some things that I'm not crazy about...TV, candy, ridiculous amounts of presents. That said, DS LOVES her and Grandpa and they love him so I feel really lucky there. (My husband and I joke that Grandma and Grandpa's house is a magical fairyland!)

My DS is her only grandchild and will be her only grandchild as husband is an only child and we're not having any more (I think). So, I've just decided to make an (internal) list of what I can live with and what I can't.
I have to say I feel pretty lucky because they really are awesome and do try to follow my wishes for the most part but it's been a learning experience. Because they are on the other coast my son doesn't see them that often so I don't make a huge deal about the candy and presents but I did talk to them about appropriate TV in a nice way.

The specifics you list about the party wouldn't bother me. What's the problem with having a party? Was it that it was a doll cake or just any cake? Dairy? Why are balloons and streamers bad?

To me, options 1-4 seem extreme, especially 3 and 4.

I would pick 5 but add that if there are things that REALLY bother you just try to talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way and see if you can get her onto the same page.

Best of luck, that's a tough situation!

[Barefoot Farmer]

Thanks for the quick responses mamas. For clarification, I've NEVER sent DD to stay with MIL for a week. MIL comes to my home for the week and they may do day-outings together when I'm working or at school. This is only the second time DD has been to their home w/o me, and it is for 1 night, and she is with DH.

I am not offended by anyone's suggestions. I understand that streamers/balloons aren't insane and are normal birthday stuff -- but not in my house, not this year. We made a conscious decision that a big b-day party every year wasn't going to be a our practice and that on the years we weren't having parties, it would be a quiet family dinner or lunch. We are pretty crunchy by most standards and tend not to endorse using things that are "extravagant" or "meaningless" such as paper streamers,balloons, etc. The cake things is insane to me -- my DD hardly plays with plastic toys and a doll head on a cake seems very creepy to me. But the frustration point for me, is this was all explicitly stated and then explicitly ignored. I have had many instances of me "letting go" and trusting MIL, just to be shown that she will blatantly ignore my wishes. I just can't go on like this. I can't go on being ignored.

Yes, DD is completely loved by her grandparents, but at this point, I'm thinking, they can love her at my place, under my supervision, because I don't want to constantly be wondering if they are undermining my parenting principles.

What do you all think? Am I really over the top here?

[oldcrunchymom]

Originally Posted by alegna

Well, thing is- you're the mom. Why are you sending your dd at only 3 (too young to speak up) to stay with people who don't respect your parenting wishes for a week at a time?

Now, personally the cake and streamers wouldn't matter to me- seems silly- but what is important is that they were not okay with YOU and you said so. Clearly there is no respect. If they weren't related would you send her over there? Probably not.

:

[RiverSky]

#4. Your DD will and probably already does know that things are different in your house than they are at Grandma's. Your opinions and thoughts and beliefs are far more important to your daughter than her grandma's are. Keep in mind that regardless of what Grandma does, you will always be her Mommy and it will be easy for you to counteract any perceived consumerism that she might learn at her grandma's.

I also don't understand what's so wrong about having a party but we are big party-throwers. Is this a religious thing that you forgot to mention? I feel that you can have non-consumer driven parties, either donate all gifts to charity or ask for gently used items only.

As far as the visits to Grandma's house, where DD is allowed to watch tv, eating sweets and ice cream (despite her allergy), these are things that bother me. I would never even leave my 5 and 7 year old at their grandparents for more than one night. I think you should stop letting her visit for so long if you don't like the way your MIL treats her daughter, let it be a health issue, that she gets sick when she eats ice cream and if you can't be sure that DD won't eat ice cream while at Grandma's, then she doesn't get to be there without your supervision.

Honestly, I think Grandparents are designed to treat their grandchildren specially, extra specially, to make them feel so incredibly loved. I totally look forward to being a grandmother so I can do all kinds of fun and special stuff with my grandchildren and not have to worry about all the disciplining and work. I love my children now but when they grow, I will be so excited to have grandchildren to give all that extra love to. I think it sounds like your daughter has a Grandmother who LOVE LOVE LOVES her and this is the way she knows to show her love. Perhaps she has been dreaming of having grandchildren her whole life and she so looks forward to give your daughter those extra special treats and surprises, just 'cause. I know I look forward to doing that when I am a grandmother and if my daughter or daughter-in-law told me not to do it, I'd be crushed.

ETA: By the time I finished this, you had posted and explained about the visits and other stuff, so some of what I've written no longer applies. I'll just leave it though. With your further clarification, it does sound more like your MIL is ignoring your parenting choices, which isn't good. I definitely think it'd be much easier for you to limit visits to those where you will be there. You can't limit them to your house, because of FIL, that wouldn't be fair, I think.

[Cuau]

Although I'm not a mama yet, I can tell you my own experience with my sister. She has two kids and she is extremely traditionalist (I'm not saying is bad, I'm just saying is different than how we were raised). As so, she has had many missunderstandings with my parents, because they want the kids to be "normal", i.e. play with other kids, watch a little TV, wear earings,etc.

I have avoided all those troubles by listening and being respectfull to her wishes. I don't know if she is right, but she is the mom!

That said, I would say go with number 2, for me writting is a lot easier than speaking and emotions are easier to control. Try to be very polite and explain her that you don't want to create confusion for DD, that you do appreciate a lot what she is doing for her, but is not what you want. After you write the email, read it aloud and try to read it as if you were your MIL, I know she might be totally wrong, but she does have feelings, and she loves DD

Good luck in whatever you decide, and remember your choice is going to have an effect on DD-MIL relations, you want to keep everything healthy!

[blessed]

Wow.

About to separate your familes?

When I opened this thread I was expecting to hear some really outrageous, really unacceptable things about your child's grandparents. But what I'm hearing is that you're angry that grandma spoils her grandkids? Once every six weeks? So you're going to sever the relationship between your children and their grandparents - your husband's family - over this?

Oh dear. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can really weigh in on this topic because I'm so far from understanding where it is that you're coming from that I can't even begin to get my mind around it.

[mamascarlett]

Whether cake, gifts, & streamers are harmfull or harmless is beside the point- She didn't respect your wishes! I don't think you are over-reacting. You should let her know loud & clear that you are not going to let her walk on you.

[mccelticmom]

While I don't think you should set aside your child rearing *values*, I do think though you would benefit from figuring out which values are the MOST important right now. What I mean is, you and I both know the norm for birthdays. So, MIL feels your child needed a birthday party enough to completely ignore your wishes and statements to her. I'm thinking there's no respect to even begin with...so, in order for this all to somehow work, there is going to have to be some giving in...and I'm here to tell you, your MIL will not give in until she sees you do the same.

So, lets say, you do not want your child eating ice cream and cake. You could decide...is eating this worse than her getting balloons? (I'm just using a senerio)...then compromise comes in...yes, granny, you can get her a few balloons and a present but please no cake and ice cream...see? MIL is probably happy, you are okay (I guess)...

Sigh...my brother and his wife was very strict about some things with their first child. Not at all saying anything against this, but I did see my mom get to the point that she didn't even want to visit them for fear of doing something wrong. Please think about that...while I don't think your child will be scarred for life...I do respect your values...just wanted to share the other side of the story for you.

Guess what I am saying is that there is a way for both of you to feel happy about this relationship, it's just going to take both of you giving a little.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way!

[Joannarachel]

I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.

[Barefoot Farmer]

I want to keep this conversation going b/c you are all helping me.

Blessed, I see your point. I really, really do. I know it can certainly be viewed as "just spoiling" -- but when does it turn into completely and utterly ignoring of my wishes.

I guess the breaking point has come for me because I purposefully forfeited this lunch/party at my house so that they could be involved (I see this as me giving here a little) and instead of taking what I give, she runs over me.

My posts haven't included the many instances of me saying, "yes, nana you can take DD for a treat, but please don't go to a store and bring some useless plastic toy home" and she takes her for ice cream, takes her to a store, and then . . . I could go on forever. I have really self-examined here and I think I have really comprimsed in many areas -- DD goes to church with them (and me!) when they are visiting (we aren't Catholic, grandparents are), DD is learning that we are vegetarian, Grandparents aren't, but that is okay and good and respectful; Again, I feel like I could go on forever. It just seems like I am the one always giving in. When is it her turn to give in a little and accept my principles?

[Barefoot Farmer]

Jonnarache, I get your point and I agree with the main point. Streamers and Balloons aren't the end of the world. But what if, "talk to your ILs about respecting your rules" goes no where......do I have no right to stand up for myself? my wishes?

Originally Posted by Joannarachel

I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.

[Jane's4]

These issues are so tricky--on the one hand, the infractions seem "relatively" minor, but you are absolutely right that at the core, your MIL keeps disrespecting your role as the decision-maker for your daughter, and that is not a minor problem at all.

I can't tell you what to do, but I will relate a little of my own experience. My oldest is 7, and from the day he was born my MIL has been ignoring my wishes on "little" things, much in line with what you are mentioning. I chose to let it go. Again. And again. For the sake of fostering a good relationship with my child's grandmother. Little things became bigger things, and 7 years later things are out of control (Smoking in front of my children, refusing to lock up medications and guns when my children are in their home, and so on). It is horrible. My husband and I have tried to gently lay down some better boundaries but years of us giving in have turned it into a very ill-received endeavor. We can't leave our children alone with the ILs for even a moment, and it's so sad because they do love my kids, and my kids love them. Sadder still because I feel we could have avoided so much of this if we had been more firm in the first place.

[shelbean91]

My MIL does some similar things. She watches my kids, for free, while I'm working (I just became a teacher after 3 years of school). She does many, many things that bug me.

Basically what I've done is learned to separate the 'biggies' from the 'smallies'. Only you can determine what is really fighting for. She's probably not doing it intentionally to undermine your authority, she's just doing what she likes to do.

My 'biggies' are car seat safety. When dd was a baby, MIL kept buying different carseats from yard sales, salvation army, etc., b/c 'dd didn't like hers'. (the one I bought/borrowed from a friend, so I knew it hadn't been recalled/in accident). She had her latest 'find' in the car, but promised she hadn't used it (yet). I told her if she EVER put dd's butt in that seat, I would quit my job, sell my house, live in a box if necessary, but she would NEVER see dd again.

If your 'biggie' is plastic toys, then it is. If it's parties, that's ok, too. But, if you're telling them how to do things all the time, they will think you're overreacting and say 'yeah, yeah' and do whatever they want anyway. I just ask myself 'is it THAT big of a deal or am I just upset I'm not in complete control' to determine my biggies and smallies.

[BelgianSheepDog]

OK, I'm sorry but I agree with those who said you are really overreacting to this. I'm about the most anti-big-party person you will ever, ever meet...if you ambushed me on my birthday with loud music and streamers and a crowd of people I'd probably start hyperventilating and hide in the bathroom. But nonetheless, I'm just not seeing that big of a problem, here.

Yeah the doll's head cake is creepy...to us, as adults, cynical, jaded, worldly adults. As a little kid I probably would have thought it was neat. Or I would have thought "huh, cake, yummy, weird looking but...yummy!"

Maybe there is a pattern of disrespect directed at you from your inlaws, I don't know y'all well enough to say. But if I may play devil's advocate for a minute, I can see this from your MIL's POV. She's probably thinking "my god my daughter in law is the most uptight person in the world." Because cake...streamers...most people see these as not only benign but symbols of joy and fun.

You have to pick your battles and count your blessings. Your kid has a grandma who gives enough of a damn to throw a big old birthday party. That's a helluva lot more than my kid has. My kid has four distant, cold weirdos for grandparents. And if the biggest falling out you have over childrearing with your extended family is over cake, bless you and your fortunate life. There's people here posting weekly about their inlaws being sexually inappropriate, using shame and threats as discipline, forgetting kids' birthdays, making racist remarks about adopted babies...you get the picture. Cake? Take a deep breath and try to see the forest for the trees.

[Autoemesiss]

AliciaO, Hey girl, I am totally there with ya. My MIL is compeletly disrespectful of our values and beliefs.

Its is such a tough spot. On one hand you want your DD to have a relationship with her grandmother but on the other hand you want to lay down the law with the MIL (which in my case) which would leave to hurting the DD's relationship with grandma.

And here is what I struggle with... Look at it from your daughter's eyes. She will watch your interaction with your MIL and learn that grandma can disrespect mum and mum's rules aren't solid because grandma can break them...

So what do you do? I dunno, I haven't figured it out. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

[momto l&a]

I vote #3

[onlyboys]

I, too, opened this thread hoping to commiserate with another mama about her horrible inlaws.

Instead, I read that you're angry with your inlaws for how their materialism seems to trump your anti-materialism, and they don't respect your boundaries with regards to stuff (and sugar, but I get that part. )

*sigh*

If you'd like to hear how terrible inlaws can get, I can send you the email that my FIL sent me after they found out we were pregnant with their fourth grandchild. It sent me spiralling--they HATE me.

So, take my perspective for what it's worth.

They sound harmless. Kids learn early on that things that they can do at their grandparents' homes can be so different--diametrically opposed, even--to those things that are allowed at home. It's one of the things I loved most about being a kid. My mother believed that we shouldn't have coke. Period. My grandmother always had a glass one liter bottle of coke that we drank out of little Mickey Mouse cups at her house. It was lovely and still remains one of my favorite memories...

I say that you should ignore it all. Count your blessings. Thank your inlaws for not saying that you are mentally deficient because you want a large family.