MIL vent -- need advice, about to separate our families - Page 6

[punkinsmommy]

Let me try and give you some perspective.

My MIL is not a good person. She had accused me of cheating on DH and tricking him into getting me pregnant (totally NOT true in case you were wondering). She took DS1 to a cemetary and told him all about death at the age of 4 (she scared him by telling him our cat was old and was going to die soon). That same year she told DS1 "Boys that kiss other boys are funny boys. We don't like funny boys" and "you shouldn't kiss the brown girls at school". Her idea of showing my children love is by spoling them with toys that I don't think are appropriate, and letting them eat and drink things I would never allow under my watch. The list goes on and on.

I have NOT cut her off from my children. Am I vigilant about her never being alone with my children? Yes. Extremely. She is never alone with them, and never will be. She holds her tongue in front of me because she knows I won't tolerate her bigotry and insanity, and believe me I have called her out on it (in an appropriate way) in front of my children. I tolerate her buying an obscene amount of useless toys for my kids. I tolerate her allowing DS1 or DD a cup of soda when we go to visit. I tolerate alot of things. I won't cut her out of my children's lives. Not because I care if she sees her grandchildren, but because my children deserve a grandmother even if she is a crazy old bat.

So, while I can see you putting your foot down and letting MIL know where you stand and what you find acceptable, I can not see cutting her out of your childs life. You, as your childs mom, have to find a way to make it work. If that means that you are there when DD goes for a visit and YOU have to be the "bad guy" and say "No ice cream" then that is what it means. If that means you tolerate things like streamers, so be it. Be wise and pick your battles.

[Rivka5]

Originally Posted by WNB

You were planning to have family only attend a meal at home with cake and a few gifts.
Your MIL and FIL provided a meal at their home for family only with cake and a few gifts, and, in what is apparently the deal-breaker -- they decorated the place as well.

Could it be that your husband didn't deal with the problem right there b/c he did not perceive it as such, given that, from your own description, it doesn't sound very different from what you'd planned at home?

I was wondering about this too, even from the MIL's perspective. She may have thought that it wasn't *really* a party if guests weren't invited.

[CerridwenLorelei]

umm

" and if grandma takes her for ice cream and buys her a worthless plastic toy-why cares?"

The person who is then up with the child who is sick from being allergic to dairy?????:

[bczmama]

I agree with many others that you are over-reacting here.

Anyway -- no matter what you do, I would recommend AGAINST sending an email. This is the sort of thing emails are bad for -- because tone is very difficult to read, and because the email can easily be forwarded to other family members or friends as evidence of how "unreasonable" or "uptight" you are.

[Serrendipity]

Somewhere around page 3, I think? she said she already sent an email off to MIL, FIL, and DH. I'd have more to say but I'm NAK, lol. Mostly, I'd just like to see what, if anything MIL has to say back!:

Serendipity

[GalateaDunkel]

I agree with many of the PPs but one thing that particularly strikes me is...

if a man posted that he was considering permanently cutting off relations between his household and his wife's parents because they had a birthday party that didn't meet HIS rules for HIS house while HIS wife was over there with HIS kid......

we would all say that was abusive and controlling, no?

what if his reasoning was that conventional birthday parties were against his strongly held fundamentalist Christian religious beliefs? can I have a show of hands for those who would think that would make his case any better? Nope didn't think so.

And then somewhere around page 3 adds as an afterthought, "oh yeah my wife totally agrees with me, but she is letting me handle it," would we believe him?

If we resolve to clear our minds of the reverse double standard (which so often unfortunately prevails here), this is an unambiguously abusive situation. OP should seek serious counseling for insight into how she treats others.

[CerridwenLorelei]

sorry I still agree with op

because its an ongoing thing. The ILS have no respect for her and her dh period.

[GalateaDunkel]

It truly appears, though, that the DH is an afterthought. The point I was trying to make is that she seems to assume that it is her right to cut him and his child off from his family, and he will fall into line. If a wife came here saying that her husband was going to cut her parents off from them because they did things he disagreed with, we'd be falling over ourselves telling her to get a divorce - even if she said she partly agreed, in which case we'd probably think she'd been brainwashed by her abuser, since being isolated from one's family of origin is a classic hallmark of spousal abuse. (And obviously the DH does NOT entirely agree, no matter what she says, because if he did the incident would not have taken place - he was there, and would have stopped it if he felt anywhere near the OP's rage against streamers and doll cakes.)

[Barefoot Farmer]

Just an update. I haven't been getting notification that this thread was still alive and well so sorry for being absent for so long. I just want to address the DH thing once again and hopefully put it to rest. DH didn't just walk into the party and walk out because he had my DD sitting in his arms, excited to see her grandparents, and bewildered about all the decorations. No, he did exactly what I would have done had I walked into the same scenario -- participated in the "party" and then quietly sit MIL down and address that she was blatantly ignoring our wishes. (Something we have done over the last 3 years about a billion times). The reason I sent the email was that in her discussion with DH, MIL explicitly stated that this was between me and her and that I was "crazy". I have been in this family for over 13 years -- this isn't a new wife just getting familiar with the family. I'm a member of the family and try not to distinguish these lines between DH and me and instead view us as a team.

My email message was very well received by MIL and FIL who apologized for disrespecting our values and acknowledging them to be different from their own values. Their letter acknowledged a need to communicate about our differences and find places where we could compromise (a suggestion I offered in my letter and often advised in this thread). I have since replied to them, expressing gratitude for their recepitivity and to begin a detailed discussion about where we can compromise and how future communications can go.

I would like to address pps suggestions that I'm not valuing family enough-- I too grew up with extended family members in house and next door. And would love for my children to know their grandparents intimately. However, I did not feel as though I could sit back any longer and allow MIL to passive-aggressively ignore explicit requests made by myself and DH. The title of this thread certainly suggests a permanent separation of our families and what I meant was a separation from our current flow of visits and interactions. I knew I would not be able to continue to visit/interact with my MIL every month while being disrespected.

Thank you all for your responses and advice.

[khaoskat]

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thinking. My husband and I had to cut his sister (my SIL) out of our families lives for like 2 1/2 years. The reason was she did not respect our choices as parents, and felt that she and her parents (MIL/FIL) were better parents and better at making decisions for our children.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, and in all honest the only reason that it lasted so long was because SIL wouldn't get over herself. After she got misinformation about what happened at an extended family member's birthday party between MIL/FIL and myself, she had the audacity to send a mean, nasty, hateful, spiteful, hurtful and harmful letter to my husband. I happened to see it, and forwarded it to myself, so I could read it.

After reading her letter, and discussing the numerous phone calls she had been making going off on DH about stuff, WE decided that it was best to severe ties for a period of time. I told DH that the only way I would allow her around my children again, would be if she were to appologize for what she said in the letter. This letter had been e-mailed to extended family members and close friends of the family, as well. I wouldn't budge about her not being around my child, because of the way she attacked, I didn't think it was healthy for our child to be exposed to that much hate and dislike for his mother.

SIL was very stubborn and refused to appologize for over two years. When she did finally appologize, it was because her parents (MIL/FIL) finally forced her to do it. It wasn't a heartfelt or even ment appology. It was an e-mail that litterally just said "I am sorry".

I could have been mean, and not accepted, since I knew she truely did not mean the appology, but I was the better person, accepted and moved on. When at family functions now, I still try to steer my children clear of SIL, but I don't refuse to go or try to go when SIL is not there. If she is there, I deal with it, and play nice.

But I think my point got across. That when it comes to OUR children, my husband and I are their parents, and you WILL Respect our decisions. I do limit the amount of time my children spend with my MIL/FIL, for the simple fact, that they still do not respect our decisions on how to raise our children. Right now, my FIL cannot get it through his head my child is going to "preschool". He keeps correcting him and saying, no you are in pre-preschool, because your mommy takes care of you. I am like Umm...no, he is in and registered to attend "preschool". This is not something my SIL did with any of her children or anything that they did with their children...so he just doesn't think it is appropriate for him to be in a "program preschool".

My IL's also tend to be very disruptive, and follow their own schedule, and demand that everything fit into their schedule, regardless of how it affects our children or our lives. Since DS1 was born, we have rarely made it to big family events, because they always hold them during nap times (which were 1-4, and now seem to have gone to 2-5 or 3-6), with the IL's events starting at 2. Our children are those that if they don't get their naps, get very uncontrollable.