MIL vent -- need advice, about to separate our families - Page 5

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by blessed

Who is being the controlling one here?

This woman is acting like nearly every grandparent on the planet (and I'm sure that's how grandma feels about it - as though she is doing ordinary things that all grandparents do out of love for their grandchildren). Yet somehow, in her efforts to show affection to her granddaughter she is 'treating her mother like crap'? :

How about teaching dd about conflict resolution? About love and tolerance and the importance of commitment? Dd will form her own opinions about frosting and plastic toys as she goes through life. Teaching her that rigid convictions about random personal beliefs are more important than relationships with loved ones is a terrible lesson - and that is what she's being taught here.

Never mind, I need to bow out here. This is so lunatic to me. As I said before, I just can't understand this at all.

Yes, a grandparent who constantly ignores the parent of the child and constantly is doing things that the parents do not approve of IS treating that parent or parents, like crap. She is being disrespectful and over-stepping her boundaries. She also is teaching the grandchild that the parents don't have to be listened to.

This is bigger than a cake or streamers. It is about respect.

There is not a thing wrong with a little spoiling of grandchildren. My own mother does it. But you know what? She ASKS me or DH first. She does not ignore us, and if we don't approve of something, she RESPECTS us. She doesn't argue or whine about it. My MIL is the same way. They both feel that WE are the parents and we should have the final say.

I never said that the woman should be totally cut off, never to be seen or heard from again. But, if the GP cannot respect the parents, after being asked, and told over and over and over again, then something has to be done. Perhaps supervised visits.

A grandparent does not have to constantly have their way in order to have a relationship with their GC. My MIL doesn't do what this MIL does. But she spends quality time with my children. She plays cards with my oldest. He loves it. That will mean more to him than any material thing, one day.

Maybe the OP is going a little overboard in the eyes of some people. Fair enough. But, perhaps this is after years of incident after incident building up.

I guess we have different views here. So we don't agree. No harm.

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by Joannarachel

I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.

I agree with this. If I were you, I would compromise (and I have a two-year-old, so I do.) Pick one thing that is most important to you, and stick with that. For us it is junk food/sweets. G is to have NO food from grammy and Grandpa's house unless it is parentally approved. So I always send him over with tons of food. On other issues, I am lenient. He watches TV all day and stays up way too late with too much overstimulation when he's there, which bothers me, but I let it go. Life is short. This is the SMALL stuff. The big stuff is that he has a set of grandparents that love him very much, and he loves them, and that is what is going to help him to grow into a happy, healthy adult.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Caitlin320

I agree with this. I think you are being too inflexible. If I were you, I would compromise (and I have a two-year-old, so I do.) Pick one thing that is most important to you, and stick with that. For us it is junk food/sweets. Gabe is to have NO food from grammy and Grandpa's house unless it is parentally approved. So I always send him over with tons of food. On other issues, I am lenient. He watches TV all day and stays up way too late with too much overstimulation when he's there, which bothers me, but I let it go. Life is short. This is the SMALL stuff. The big stuff is that he has a set of grandparents that love him very much, and he loves them, and that is what is going to help him to grow into a happy, healthy adult.

By the way, not to say this is your situation, but just as a cautionary example: my mom was super-controlling and cut off relationships with almost all of my extended family growing up because they didn't support her parenting style (which was pretty crunchy.) You know who I wound up feeling bad for and siding with when I became a teen? Don't set yourself up to be the bad-guy.

I think you have some great ideas. I think your post is respectful of the OP and you are honestly trying to help. However...

What if the OP picks 1 or 2 things and the MIL still doesn't respect it? When does the MIL compromise, instead of being allowed to do whatever she wants, JUST because she happens to be a grandmother?

I am asking this seriously, not to be snarky.

You can love your GC without disrespecting the parents. Like I said in my previous post, my own mother sometimes spoils my children. But, since she has been respectful of us and just doesn't do what she wants and pooty on us, we are a little more flexible. Same with my MIL. Perhaps if the MIL in the OP would show just a little respect for her DIL and her son, the DIL may feel a little better about being more flexible.

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

What if the OP picks 1 or 2 things and the MIL still doesn't respect it? When does the MIL compromise, instead of being catered to and being allowed to do whatever she wants, JUST because she happens to be a grandmother?

I am asking this seriously, not to be snarky.

No snarkiness inferred.

I think, in that case, if the MIL was still not trying to meet in the middle at all, someone mentioned being creative in the relationship? And I think that would be the thing to do. Meet on middle ground (a park), or at home, not at Grandma's house. This is not cutting off the relationship, of course. In fact, go out of your way to help provide the grandparents *appropriate* access to GC would show them that you are not trying to block their relationship with their grandchildren. In that situation I think the best way to approach it would be in the way a divorced parent approaches co-parenting with an ex-- you may not agree on everything, and you may have the final say, but you agree it is important to the child to have that relationship in their life. We make these sacrafices for the sake of our children. That would be my suggestion in that situation.

I just don't agree with cutting off a relationship except in more extreme situations, like where there is abusiveness and real hurtfulness.

[blessed]

Originally Posted by Caitlin320

I just don't agree with cutting off a relationship except in more extreme situations, like where there is abusiveness and real hurtfulness.

Yes, this is the gist of my point as well.

No one is saying that GM isn't wrong, isn't showing some lack of consideration, so forth. But virtually EVERY relationship that we have throughout our lifetimes is going to be marred at one point or another with some contention and disagreement. EVERY person we love is sometimes wrong. Learning to accept and cope with this reality is imperative to our ability to maintain long term friendships and family ties.

This thread is replete with suggestions about how to deal with this situation (which, by the way, is just a garden variety disagreement between family members.) Some are great, some are so-so, and some just outright stink. Turning your back on family members over disagreements this minor is crappy - and dangerous - advice.

Teach your dd some REALLY valuable lessons. Teach her about kindess and self sacrifice. Teach her that sometimes people don't behave in the ways that we wish them to, but that we forgive them. Teach her how to gently persuade others to come around to your point of view. Teach her that - even when that isn't possible - people are still important and valuable and worthy of kindness. Teach her the rare and beautiful art of helping people to do the right thing, even when they are resistent.

Then you'll be doing right by your daughter.

[TexasSuz]

Option #6 - Lighten up and stop being so controlling. They wanted to make their grandchild happy and experience a party with her. They love her and want to see her happy. How are a few streamer and a cake going to hurt your child? Was she happy about it? Then that is all that matters.

Sorry to be so harsh but as someone who has almost lost my children's grandparents in the last few years I know that our parents time on earth is limited and that they have a different perspective on life (and children) because of that. You said your FIL was ill - did you ever imagine that he might want to give her a party as a memory for her and for himself. I see nothing wrong with that - in fact it is very sweet.

Also, my niece is "allergic" to dairy also and at age 8 she sneaks and eats it whenever she can. She hates that her mom won't allow her to have fun stuff like ice cream and it never bothers her. Your child is younger but she may feel the same way. I don't know.

[pjlioness]

My main concern here is that your MIL is giving your child dairy, when you have told her repeatedly that your child is allergic to dairy. That could have some serious consequences. Have you given your MIL information about dairy allergy/food allergies in general? Have you told her what your child's reaction to dairy is (nausea, eczema, etc.)? Could you have your pediatrician or child allergist write a note to your MIL explaining the (possible) consequences of her behavior?

My younger son is allergic to dairy, and we bake our own cakes for birthday celebrations, as we did when ds1 was allergic to wheat. I like providing the cakes, because then I don't have to put up with store-bought cakes or ones made from boxes; they do icky things to my digestion. I've thought about providing acceptable frozen treats as well - IL's always seem to have those artificially colored and flavored popsicles (ew, even though they now contain *some* fruit juice, unlike when we were kids) - but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Fortunately my IL's don't insist on giving him stuff he's allergic to, I'll give them that. I suggest you provide your own cakes/make sure you have some acceptable yummy treats in the freezer when MIL visits.

You might also check out non-violent/compassionate communication - www.cnvc.org. It's possible that your MIL is doing this stuff because her needs aren't being met. You could help her find a way to get both/all of your needs met.

As for the junky toys, they get left at the IL's, taken to my folks' house (they really don't have much stuff for the kids), or played with for a while then put away to be given away.

I've posted before about my IL's disregarding our wishes for our kids. Sometimes it's been egregious, other times they've done very well, but they don't seem to learn from the times they do well. :

In any case, .

[NaomiLorelie]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

This is bigger than a cake or streamers. It is about respect.

Is it though? I don't know exactly what was going through MIL's head. Maybe no parties meant don't invite a ton of family members/children to her. Is it possible that she really didn't think of streamers and cake as a party? I don't really think of that as a "real" party.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by NaomiLorelie

Is it though? I don't know exactly what was going through MIL's head. Maybe no parties meant don't invite a ton of family members/children to her. Is it possible that she really didn't think of streamers and cake as a party? I don't really think of that as a "real" party.

Well, if you asked someone, over and over and over again, NOT to do something, and they kept doing it, wouldn't you find that disrespectful?

[NaomiLorelie]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

Well, if you asked someone, over and over and over again, NOT to do something, and they kept doing it, wouldn't you find that disrespectful?

I wasn't saying that it wasn't disrespectful if the OP outlined exactly what she considered a party to be. I was just wondering if there was any chance that this was more of a misunderstanding. It is obvious that MIL has no clue how to deal with the situation in any rational manner, and that is not okay. Communication just doesn't seem to be working well on both sides so I wonder if MIL knew exactly what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. She can't be expected to know without being told because she doesn't understand NFL. As for the allergies, if she has no experience with them, it might not cross her mind that a cake has dairy in it. Once again, not excusing her bad behavior. That's a whole other issue. I just think that the OP might expect too much from MIL's knowledge base. And that might mean that her DD can't ever be alone with her.

[naturegirl7]

I totally understand where the OP is coming from - and support her 100% - The issue is not so much the party itself but the blatant disregard and disrespect onthe part of her MIL. The blatant disrespect of her parenting style and requests is just not right. Grandparents can still spoil and love their grandkids without treating parents like dirt.
I would also be pissed if I explicitly said "NO whatever" only to find it done anyway. I think that you need to really have a good heart to heart with your MIL - perhaps in a long well thought out email follwed by a good face to face discussion (without anyone else around) is the way to go. Explain to her that what she does is very disrepectful to you and her son, that it is insulting and hurts your feelings, etc. Focus more on that, and then followup with the conflict regardign parenting style - make more about her disrespecting you and less about parenting style. She can agrue with you about how she makes you feel - or that what she did was not disrespectful.

That said, I want to send you huge hugs - I know exactly what you are going thru but my MIL is only a 1/2 hour. SHe started ragging on our parenting style from the moment we got pregnant and has not let up. ANd heart to heart with her just didn't work. SHe is too much of a control freak. ANd honestly, she does half of it, not to spoil DS but to get under our skin.

Honestly, I severely limit the amount of time DS spends with her in general - and refuse to allow her to be alone with him at any point in time.
She doesn't have to agree or like my parenting style - but she does need to respect what I say about my child and what my child is allowed or not allowed to do or have. She had her chance to raise her children - this is MY child, not hers and what Dh and I say goes - period. ANd DH and I tell her this.

She rags on BFing, cosleeping, CDing, babywearing, DS's name, what DS eats, you name it and she will find something wrong with it. She has it in her head that DS is deprived by us in regard to food - cuz we offer him veggies (which he loves), fruit, yogurt, etc before pasta, potatoes, etc. She will actually make faces and tell him "Ewwww. Yogurt is yucky. Tell mommy you don't want that crappy yogurt, you want some yummy chocolate pudding" as she opens a snack pack pudding. : I tried the nice approach, but now I am starting to get snarky right back with her (this seems to be the only language my MIL can understand) - Like "maybe if it was real pudding and not corn syrup and other unprouncable chemicals" or "sorry but we only give him foods he enjoys and just look at him right now (a yogurt smeared grin on his face diving for the container) he LOVES this!" or directly to DS "tell your grandma that pudding is YUCKY and that yogurt is not only yummy it will help you keep growing big and strong." or "yeah he is so deprived that he is off the growth charts. he must really need some pudding in his diet to fix that" LOL

Anyway, sorry to hijack a bit there. I vote for a serious heart to heart - in a non confrontational email that she can digest first, followed by a serious sit down to discuss it all. And really try to focus on the feelings aspect and disrespect - especially since she obviously has issues with your parenting choices. SHe WILL try to change the subject to discuss and criticize those choices, so be prepared to say - that isn't what this is about right now, or you are entitled to your opinion but you still need to respect our choices as WE are DD's parents. and then guide it back to the matter of disrespect. Try to establish boundaries. ANd try to "give" her something. THere are some things that she can do for DD that you may not allow on a regular basis but that won't be harmful to DD as a special grandma treat. ANd it will make your MIL feel like she is still able to "spoil" your DD - help her come up with ways to "spoil" her without disrespecting your parenting choices - the inappropriate clothes and icecream gotta go though!

GL!

[khaoskat]

Originally Posted by blessed

Who is being the controlling one here?

This woman is acting like nearly every grandparent on the planet (and I'm sure that's how grandma feels about it - as though she is doing ordinary things that all grandparents do out of love for their grandchildren). Yet somehow, in her efforts to show affection to her granddaughter she is 'treating her mother like crap'? :

If I had already planned my child's birthday party and had it all set up, be it for family or friends, and then my Mother or MIL decided it wasn't good enough and she was going to throw her own party, I would be pissed to. IT IS NOT THE GRANDPARENTS rights/responsibility to be doing this, it is a parent's right. If a parent choose to not have a birthday party, that is their right as well, or if the parent chooses to have a low key celebration, again, their choice, not the grandparents. Mother/Father was not even consulted in the planning of this event....

[RainCoastMama]

This whole thread just makes me sad. I grow up in a culture that highly values extended family to the point that we have just one big ol' 'nuclear family', warts and all. I can't even imagine tossing around the 'shall I separate my family' idea so freely. Cut off my arms first. Yeah, we have interpersonal dynamics that aren't always Pollyanna, as well as a whack of class, cultural, child rearing and educational polarities but really, now...separate the family???

They raised your DH. He turned out kinda ok. Trust that they aren't going to mortally harm your DD with their ideologies, or any grandchild for that matter.

Hugs to you. I can't imagine being in your head right now.

[WNB]

If DH is so "on board" with everything, why didn't he take care of the problem of the party right then and there?

This is your originasl post:

The plan was for MIL and family to come to our home for a SMALL FAMILY LUNCH, CAKE, AND A FEW GIFTS, EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. FIL (who we love and who is generally on board with me and DH) has been ill lately and couldn't make the trip for the lunch. I offered that DH and DD drive the 5 hrs to see her grandparents. I would have to stay home as I work weekend-nights. When I made this offer, I EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. When DH arrived, the house was covered in streamers, balloons, paper plates, the works -- the cake was a dress with a plastic doll head on top I don't know if my anger is overtopping my moritification that my daughter has been exposed to this. I just can't do this anymore. I can't accept her blatant ignoring of my wishes.

You were planning to have family only attend a meal at home with cake and a few gifts.
Your MIL and FIL provided a meal at their home for family only with cake and a few gifts, and, in what is apparently the deal-breaker -- they decorated the place as well.

Could it be that your husband didn't deal with the problem right there b/c he did not perceive it as such, given that, from your own description, it doesn't sound very different from what you'd planned at home?

[NaomiLorelie]

Originally Posted by WNB

If DH is so "on board" with everything, why didn't he take care of the problem of the party right then and there?

This is your originasl post:


You were planning to have family only attend a meal at home with cake and a few gifts.
Your MIL and FIL provided a meal at their home for family only with cake and a few gifts, and, in what is apparently the deal-breaker -- they decorated the place as well.

Could it be that your husband didn't deal with the problem right there b/c he did not perceive it as such, given that, from your own description, it doesn't sound very different from what you'd planned at home?

Thank you WNB! That was what I was trying to say but couldn't get it out.

[~Megan~]

I think you need to pick your battles. Think about why your mil wanted to throw a big party. Maybe she thought you didn't want her to go to the trouble.
Does she understand why you make the choices you do? If not it may be hard for her to follow them because she might not understand the importance of your beliefs and why you have chosen them.

I'd not react emotionally. Sit and think about it a while. Pray or meditate on it.

Then contact her and speak rationally to her.

[Em T]

In a way, it's similar to problems experienced by divorced couples. If you disagree violently with the other & make a big deal out of it, part of the message a child gets is "I'm ____ son/daughter. If Mom despises Dad, that means I'm not all right either". Same thing with your husband & MIL. How do you think he'd feel if she was run over by a bus or had a heart attack right after you'd made a point to separate your family from seeing her completely? It comes across as you're very worried about your status. You are your child's mother. You get to make the rules. No one here disagrees with that. But for the love of your husband & child, why on earth can't you give up some of this fury & try to work out a better situation in the future? Exhibiting loving kindness, forgiveness & willingness to work out a disagreement is wonderful role modeling to do for your daughter. Spiteful anger, contemplation of breaking family bonds with a efusal to try to keep them intact, not so much.

[HollyBearsMom]

I am going to be little harsh here-

As someone who lost their dad when my son was only 2.5 I would say LET IT GO. yes she disrespects you on some issues but nothing I have read seem to be child-in-danger-issues. She sees then about every 6 week, right? You are with her everyday. Kids learn values at home and if grandma takes her for ice cream and buys her a worthless plastic toy-why cares? Years from now she won't remember the toy but she will remember a Grammy who spent time with her, who took her out for treats. She will remember gradparents who made a big deal out of birthdays. Do you want these memories colored by the obvious anger you feel?

Also these outings, times at grandmas, are so precious. They build relationship with another trusting adult. I wish my dad was here to spend time with my son even though he and I did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. I see the relationship my mom has with my eldest niece who is now 24 and it is so awesome even though my mom thinks "breastfeeding is what keeps women chained to the house" and LLL is filled with "those psycho hippy crunch moms who BF teenagers", the same person who bought her soda and her first pair of high heels. My mom is who my niece turned to when she had a miscarriage and who she turned to when her marriage fell apart after a year and she was afraid to tell her parents. I would hate to think what would have happened if my sister chose to seperate the families over those minor issues.

I say let it go....

[choli]

Picture a conversation some years from now when your DD has read a book or seen a movie that features a beloved grandmother, and asks why she never sees hers. How do you think she would feel to be told you cut off contact because her GM decorated the house and had a cake for her 3rd birthday...

I know it's not as simple as that, but really...would you cut contact with your own mother over the same thing?

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by choli

Picture a conversation some years from now when your DD has read a book or seen a movie that features a beloved grandmother, and asks why she never sees hers. How do you think she would feel to be told you cut off contact because her GM decorated the house and had a cake for her 3rd birthday...

I know it's not as simple as that, but really...would you cut contact with your own mother over the same thing?

I do wonder what the OP's relationship with her mother is.

I think that this is too early to cut off contact wtih the MIL, simply for the sake of DD.

When MIL takes DD to get ice cream, is it possible that MIL gets her sherbet or some other dairy free treat while there? If not, perhaps just a little bit more education for MIL would be good, like addresses of ice cream shops in the area that have a non-dairy choice.