DD Slighted by family? Opinions Please

[Max'sMama]

I have a question for all of you ladies. I am not sure how to feel about this, I am ticked off, but am not sure that I should be or have the 'right' to be mad.

My BIL and SIL (dh's brother and wife) did not acknowledge our daughter's birth. Not a card or phone call, not even an email saying congrats. Now, the BIL I can understand why he didn't acknowledge-he was deployed to Iraq, but I keep thinking SIL should have. I don't even think she told BIL (her DH) about the birth. But SIL did know, going so far as to mention that she would have liked to use the name Neva for a girl (they aren't pregnant-deployment you know) to MIL while on the phone.

So....basically my FIL was at the hospital dying (on Aug 1) and we had to call BIL back via the Red Cross, BIL's wife didn't call or even show interest in calling, so DH calls RC so that his brother can make the decision to return or not. He decides to return and flys in on the 4th of Aug, I went to the airport to pick them up (DH and his sister had other things that required their presence). BIL/SIL and I are walking to the luggage area, and BIL asks, "So, how is she (nodding to my daughter -dressed in obvious PINK-in the sling)". His face said he was surprised to see a baby.

This is a second baby, so that may be a factor in opinion, and I am not one to think that presents are a necessary thing for new parents, so that isn't my issue. I just feel that dd was slighted already and that pisses me off.

So my 'issue', should I be mad and stew and get over it OR just get over it now? I think I really need new perspective on this.

[TanyaS]

Originally Posted by Max'sMama

I think I really need new perspective on this.

Could it be that with her dh deployed that she is just too busy with kids/household? I know when my dh is on call at work and gone in the evening hours that there is only enough time for the basics...getting kids fed, clean and in bed. Then I'm too tired to do anything after all that by myself

[PancakeGoddess]

I'm not saying you have no right to feel hurt, because of course not acknowledging is rude, but personally, I can understand how someone could just blank out on it. I have to work VERY hard to do all the birthday, gift-sending, thankyou-note stuff - I just don't like it and often forget. It's no reflection on the amount of love I feel for the family though!

[Max'sMama]

I would love for kids to be the reason she was overlooked. But, they have no children. And when my husband was deployed I managed to get cards to them for bdays and their wedding (civil service w/ no family) AND get a present made for them and delivered. Household could be a factor, as she spends lots of time in the yard. I just keep thinking that she took the time to complain to MIL that she can't use the name she would have wanted for a girl -which she still can, I wouldn't mind- because we used it, but couldn't make the effort to say/email/send card of congrats.

I think I should look at it differently and since she isn't pregnant (and wants to be), maybe it was too hard for her to say nice things, since I now have what she wants. I never thought of it that way before. Thanks for the opinions, they are always great to hear.

[aisraeltax]

i dont know...i would probably write a SIL like that off, but im like that i guess. if the yard gets int eh way of acknowledging teh birht of a child, then she should get a smaller yard. and this isnt a bday in the sense of a yearly celebrations..this is a BIRTH DAY. sorry..i would be upset with HER..not the BIL. and i would feel the same way.
how were your MIL/FIL with teh birth?
oh, and the 2nd birth shouldnt count for less than the 1st birth, IMHO. everyone should be acknowledged upon entry into the family. were you too busy for her wedding to your BIL???

[Max'sMama]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

if the yard gets in the way of acknowledging the birth of a child, then she should get a smaller yard.
how were your MIL/FIL with the birth?

Fantastic Point. Both IL parents were great. Both were here about a week or 10 days after she was born. DH's sister was here during the birth to take care of our toddler during the birth and for about 12 hours after. And she was wonderful, went to the store and 'had' to buy pink things. Apparently we weren't allowed to have a girl in lots of blue/green/yellow items

[aisraeltax]

does she not feel a part of the family? sounds like the whole family participated other than her (maybe im missing something and other relatives were missing but did they acknowledge the babe)>
anyway, to make up for your DA SIL, congrats on teh baby!

[Max'sMama]

She and BIL live in North Carolina and we live in Iowa with the rest of the family within an 1-1.5 hours. As far as feeling left out... I don't know, haven't thought of it that way. We have tried to keep them feeling welcome, always invited them to come for holidays and family events or just to visit. We haven't visited them in a while, but between the husbands being deployed pretty much opposite time frames, it just hasn't worked out (and we have never been extended an invitation-either open or specific).

Good point, she may be just feeling left out. Thanks for that view.

[MovingMomma]

I dunno if you just forgot to mention it, but did you call or send a birth announcement to BIL/SIL?

[Max'sMama]

Originally Posted by MovingMomma

I dunno if you just forgot to mention it, but did you call or send a birth announcement to BIL/SIL?

We sent an announcement and MIL called (before we could get a chance to-which was fine). Plus we sent an email with a picture at 2 days old to everyone.

[TanyaS]

Maybe it's one of those things that just got away from her and she meant to acknowledge in some way but by the time she thought about it again it was too late in her mind? I've been guilty of things like that before with birthdays and such. : Are you really close? If not, then that could be part of it as well. How is she really handling her dh's deployment? If she is depressed at all then that would definitely explain it.

[SabbathD]

I just wanted to say this.

Regardless of whether or not you ARE ALLOWED TO or SHOULD feel upset. You are, or were. And that's okay! I will say, I would have been upset. But, we have been trying for our baby (yay!!) for almost 3 years. But I agree with pp, that every baby should be celebrated and their entry marked into this world. It does sound like your SIL could possibly just feel left out, but I am of the mindset that if she feels left out, as mean as this may sound, then she needs to make efforts to include herself too. That doesn't undermine the need for everyone else to help her feel included, but she can't just sit there and hope that people come and ask her to be doing what seems like normal courteous stuff to me. I am sure that she is a nice, sweet woman. And I wouldn't be mad. Probably just a little hurt.

[aisraeltax]

did you get a response from her when you sent the email with pix?

[Max'sMama]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

did you get a response from her when you sent the email with pix?

Nary a word or response.

As far as are we close? Not really, she has only been with BIL for close to three year, and 18 months of marriage. I agree with having to pursue relationships more aggressively. I had to do that with my MIL and Dh's sister. And it was really worth it.

[LionTigerBear]

...and since she isn't pregnant (and wants to be), maybe it was too hard for her to say nice things, since I now have what she wants.

I think that's the key to the whole situation right there. She sounds self-absorbed, so that is either 1.) she's just kind of a selfish person or 2.) she's grieving or, a combination of the two. So, either way, I would feel badly for her and just try to forgive.

[JoyofBirth]

I understand how you're feeling. I've felt the same way. I'm kinda wondering if people in general just view second babies as less important. Like you have everything from the first babe and all that. So no need for gifts. I've felt a little hurt by this too. I keep flashing forward to a conversation that includes here are a hundred cards for Emma when she was born and pics of all the people who came to the hospital to see her. And here are the few cards Mattie got and only Nana and Papa came to the hospital to see her. Sorry if I'm hijacking, just wanted to say I feel your pain. You're feelings are your feelings-right or wrong, they are valid. Maybe she's jealous, or maybe just mad because she thinks you "stole" her name. Who knows? Just take a deep breath and try to push the bad feelings out because life is too short. And it isn't bothering her.

[veganf]

We got NOTHING for baby #2, and the only reason we got anything for #3 was because my husband decided I should finally have a baby shower, and we asked that as a gift people bring food after the baby is born; 3 people actually followed through (non-family though), and I got a few cards from distant relatives, but otherwise no cards, gifts, etc.
Sadly many people just don't choose to recognize the births of subsequent children. And it seems pretty normal too. Maybe that's all it is.
Sorry your new daughter isn't receiving the same attention as your first. It's frustrating because I found that with #2 I needed more help than ever before, and I really felt lonely in the beginning and wished people would dote on him a bit like they did with #1.

[saritabeth]

Okay, I think it is rude and obnoxious. Clearly its her issue for whatever reason. I can't really imagine not aknowledging the birth of my niece or nephew.

Im sorry you were hurt. It's fine to be mad, I guess you just have to decide what you are going to do with your feelings.

[sewaneecook]

Originally Posted by Max'sMama

I think I should look at it differently and since she isn't pregnant (and wants to be), maybe it was too hard for her to say nice things, since I now have what she wants. I never thought of it that way before. Thanks for the opinions, they are always great to hear.

When Dh and I were TTC it took a lot longer than we had expected. Whenever I saw a PG woman or a family with a newborn, rather than being happy, I felt annoyed that she could get PG and I couldn't. Is it possible that your SIL is going through a jealous phase and is envious of your little one?

[mamaglee]

Originally Posted by Max'sMama

But, they have no children.

You know, I think some people just don't get it when they have never had their own kids...