If you were spanked as a child... - Page 2

[Ceinwen]

I was never spanked as a child - I can remember being threatened with it a few times and giggling because it was beyond my scope of knowledge at the time.

We do not spank or hit, no matter what.

So now I wonder why every time I feel I'm about to lose it with my daughter... I'm itching to hit or lash out. :

That would make a good thread - parents who were raised GD and are struggling with GD themselves.

[HelloKitty]

I was spanked often and honestly I can not understand how my parents could have done that to me and my brother. I don't see how they could have beaten us with wooden spoons, shoes, belts etc. in the name of love. It was about trying to make us obey, it wasn't about love. The memories still haunt me, there was a whole system to the ordeal that is really disturbing and sickening. I do feel it was abusive and it has cause me to be adament about never doing the same to my children.

I also saw it became a real problem for them because as I got older when spankings would no longer work they had no control over me anymore.

[blsilva]

My parents rarely spanked, though, when they did, it was usually because they were at their limit, and didn't know how else to handle it. They really didn't think of spanking as wrong because it was the most common form of discipline at the time, and resources on other forms of discipling were few & far between. My mom hated it, and cried with us when she did it, and the few times my dad did it, there was no heart to it- it was more a symbolic brush on the butt. Neither of them really felt right about it.
When I had kids, I swore I would never spank them, but when my oldest was 2, I started doing it when I had no idea what else to do. He is very spirited, though I knew nothing about tha term at the time, and I felt lost. The problem for me was that he was not acting better for it, and I felt myself beginning to lose control, adn do it every time I got angry.
That was when I read "The Discipline book" by Dr Sears and quit spanking him. Since then, I have read many other GD books, and have implemented many of the ideas recommended in them. He & I are both better for it. Not perfect, but better.

[chinaKat]

I was spanked with a wooden paddle pretty regularly, and until I was pretty old. I don't recall the spankings being particularly painful but they were humiliating and shaming. I remember from my youngest days always swearing to myself that I would never, EVER hit my child. I *always* knew it was wrong to spank, and that there were better ways to bring up a child.

[CalebsMama05]

I feel like a bad mommy I was spanked...it was never in anger (my mom didn't want us to equate making mommy mad with *getting into trouble*) but it was humiliating and didn't *teach* me anything.

I planned to never spank my child I couldn't understand how it could ever be okay and I've discovered that its a lot of hard work reprogramming reflex reactions. I have managed for the most part to reason out the best *response* to teach ds#1 good behavior vs bad behavior (mainly redirection at this point and modeling)

Imagine my horror one day when he came up to me and wanted a cuddle and he suddenly SCREECHED IN MY EAR and what did i do but pull back and slap him in the mouth and say "do not ever do that again!"

Right now I am relearning reflex reactions and on the rare occasion I do slap or hit or spank I always do the same thing. I hug him and tell him that hitting is NOT okay under any circumstances and mommy and he need to learn together to be nicer to everyone especially each other and I ask him to forgive me. i'm not sure he understands right now but it makes me feel better. I do feel better that I'm succeeding at my goal of not hitting. it really is only when I am startled as mentioned above. and right now along with learning to not hit i'm also trying to learn not to have any reflex action but that seems like a pointless endeaver as I always have something in reflex. I'm trying to say ow instead of *doing* anything.

it is hard.

[Brigianna]

Yes, I can understand why my parents did it, because I can understand what it is to reach that level of frustration and anger. But they didn't claim to spank out of love or anything like that, and they didn't do it that often. It wasn't an ideological thing, and I don't think it was tied to any larger pattern of disrespect (although spanking is of course a highly disrespectful act). In a weird way, it was almost the opposite--my parents, especially my dad, treated me more like an adult from an early age, so they respected me more, but at the same time, they expected me to have the judgment of an adult, the logic of an adult, the self control of an adult, from when I was 4 or 5, and they were very visibly angry and disappointed when I didn't live up to this. So I tried to meet their expectations not so much to avoid punishment, but to live up to my "privileged" status.

It wasn't being spanked as a child that made me anti-spanking. It was the realization that children are the most defenseless, powerless, disenfranchised members of society. Children are essentially prisoners; subjugating them further is, I believe, an act of undeniable cruelty. Which is what I tell myself when I do reach that level of frustration and anger.

As to why adult spankees are more likely to become spankers, I'm sure there are many reasons for that, but I think one of them is that there is a perceived correlation (wrongful IMO) between parenting style and outcome. No one wants to believe that he or she came out "wrong," so people are likely to reject anything that might imply that, including criticism of their parents' child-rearing methods. If anti-spankers would stop promoting this idea that spanked children are "damaged," so people could freely criticize their upbringing without implicating themselves, I think there would be a lot less of that (spanked children growing up to become spankers).

[kerilynn]

Originally Posted by Caitlin320

Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

Well, I can understand where my mom and stepdad were coming from-- abusive childhoods of their own, depression and anxiety problems and poor parenting and life-coping skills. But that doesn't make me now think it was okay.

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children. However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

Yes, I started out saying I would never spank my son, and then I did anyway, because it was like this automatic response. I was perpetuating my mom's parenting style (not as bad though.) But I felt so badly about it, I made the effort to STOP a couple of months ago. I put a big red star on the calendar for the last day I would ever hot my son, and then went on bravely from there. Well, it turned out I did hit him two other times after that, but that was it. It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.

I don't think it's a case of them wanting to, per se, but that, like me, they may just not know any other way, and when it's an automatic reaction, it seems natural and normal, which makes it seem okay. Also there is a sense of comfort, scurity, and continuity in carrying on the tradtions of your forbears . . . even when they are wrong wrong wrong. I think people who are in tune with their consciences can feel that it's not right, but those who have become more selfish and morally numbed don't know-- or don't want to know.

We were beat as kids ... and I have fantasies about how easy it would be to spank DS since he is so active, so demanding, and so into testing boundaries. But I am determined to break the cycle.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by CalebsMama05

Right now I am relearning reflex reactions and on the rare occasion I do slap or hit or spank I always do the same thing. I hug him and tell him that hitting is NOT okay under any circumstances and mommy and he need to learn together to be nicer to everyone especially each other and I ask him to forgive me. i'm not sure he understands right now but it makes me feel better. I do feel better that I'm succeeding at my goal of not hitting. it really is only when I am startled as mentioned above. and right now along with learning to not hit i'm also trying to learn not to have any reflex action but that seems like a pointless endeaver as I always have something in reflex. I'm trying to say ow instead of *doing* anything.

it is hard.

It is so hard. I have these reflexes, too. Most of the time, I feel I have them firmly under control, but I've had a hard time while being pregnant.

As far as spanking, my mother spanked us, but it was not at all out of love. She never did it in public, at least that I can remember. I think she would have been embarrassed, because it was all about her losing her temper and lashing out.

It's interesting, because in many ways, my parents used GD. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me, though my sister said he spanked us very lightly once. They never really punished us, except for grounding me a couple of times in high school. But my mom had major anger issues and would frequently lash out and strike us. This rarely had anything to do with our behavior. Something that was completely acceptable one day would warrant a slap the next. She didn't "spank" very often, mostly just hitting or kicking what was available. True temper tantrums.

My sister and I talk about this a lot, she also GDs her kids. She was telling me a story about when she and my mom were driving and my mom was very stressed out and in a hurry and she hit a deer. Her reaction to hitting the deer was to slap my sister across the nose.

This is the HARDEST part of this legacy for me to get over. I really hate how I'm always looking for someone to blame or something to break, curse or strike. Today I was trying to make a paint sprayer work, I was hungry, I wanted to get my kids from the babysitter, and it took A TON of willpower to not throw it down on the patio and beat it with a rock until it was a million pieces.

I really hope I'm going to be able to do better by my children and not pass on this anger.

[Jade2561]

My father used physical punishment my whole life until I moved out of the house at 18. It made me feel angry, resentful and worthless and I would never want my children to feel that way.

[chandasz]

I was spanked as a child and the legacy it left me was the humiliation and the powerlessness and the anger that comes out of that. My parents didn't spank me often but there was a lot of violence in my family between my parents. In response, I was a very rebellious and angry teenager who had some major anger management issues. It's taken me YEARS to deal with more appropriate anger responses. I think my husband has helped a lot with that. As an adult, I realize that my parents did their best and we are very close. My mother was the victim of horrible abuse and didn't pass on that legacy but it affected her ability to have a normal relationship with my father (they're divorced-- thank god). My dad had his own issues growing up with a somewhat abusive father and a mentally ill mother.

I resolved a lot of these issues within me before starting my family. I have SWORN that I will not raise a child that will ever feel the need to have that kind of anger. I'm glad I waited until I was "older" to start my family so I had the maturity to understand that. Hitting is wrong. Hitting as discipline is not only wrong- it's doesn't make sense.

I still resist the urges to sometimes whack my hubby in the arm when I'm super mad at him but I've never had that kind of anger against my child. I understand the developmental process and what is normal behavior for a child so how could I be angry!

[Benji'sMom]

My mom spanked us all the time and I think honestly she did not want children and it was too much for her to handle having 2 little kids at the same time. She was too impatient. Even if we weren't being bad it was like we were "in the way" or something and so she was still frustrated, even if we weren't bad. That's all I remember really, just that she was CONSTANTLY frustrated and never happy.

My dad spanked us every now and then not out of anger, just because that's the only way he knew to "discipline" but the problem with that is that he is a control freak so he thinks everything kids do is "wrong" so that leads him to spank way too much. Like when I see my parents interact with my kids they are constantly correcting Benji for things that we don't even think are "misbehavior," but to them everything a kid does is automatically misbehavior. They can't just let a kid exist and be happy and play and learn, it has to be controlled in every possible way. It's revolting. That's why I don't raise my kids that way.

ETA: But I do struggle not to smack the daylights out of Benji sometimes. It is a reflex and so hard to stop oneself.

[alba]

I was never spanked by my mom. One day in school I was spanked by the principal, holding my ankles, three times with a wooden paddle, hard! Of course when I cam back to class, everyone knew. It was awful. Mom pulled me imediately!

Anyway, I wanted to say that I was raised GD, and have no troubles using it. Dh was punished with belts and such, and often has an issue with handling our kids less than charming behavior, but considering his upbringing, I am SO proud of him. I also think it is harder for men, because of the respect ideal, and their own personal violation/lack of respect as children. Does that make sense?

[zinemama]

I understood where they were coming from before I was a parent, and now that I am one, I understand it even more. They felt it was the way things were done, and moreover, they were frustrated. Heck, I've been tempted to spank my kids more times than I can count. It would be such a satisfying way to take out all my anger and frustration. Yeah, that would really show them how pissed off they've made me!

But, having been spanked as a kid, I don't do it. I remember how it made me feel, and I don't want my kids to experience that.

[amyjeans]

my dad spanked me because of 2 things:
1-he was manic depressive and was an angry depressed person and lashed out in anger.
2-I was spanked because I did stupid things. I made mistakes, I didn't think before acting. My spankings continued untl I was 10 or 11. I skrewed up a lot, and not suprisingly, I continued to make mistakes. Eventually I got better, but then my dad died when I was 13 and well...for another thread.
I feel the only time I have the urge to want to spank my kids is when I am angry. So no matter what is happening-short of a major injury- I give myself a time-out, then address the situation.

oh, and as a result of my spankings- I was deathly afraid of my dad.

[arlecchina]

how odd, once I saw the question, I dont remember ever being spanked, exactly. I remember being thrown down stairs, kicked, punched, smacked in the face, had boiling water thrown on me, etc and uhm no...I dont recall spankings. I got it with the belt a few times but ass-naked and until I bled which is kinda beyond spanking. and yup, I was told that when I had kids I'd understand. I sure dont.

[afishwithabike]

I wasn't "spanked" like most people are "spanked". I was downright abused by my Dad. Cracked skull, broken nose, Scoliosis from a hard slam to the ground you name it. It doesn't work no matter how soft OR hard you are hit. The entire notion that hitting corrects "bad" behavior is ridiculous. My dear sweet Mom however did find other ways to help me see which behaviors were acceptable and which were NOT. I LOVE her and I still can't say anything nice to Dad.

[umsami]

My parents did use spanking as a form of discipline... but it was rare. Maybe once a year, if that. You knew you had really crossed the line when it happened. They never spanked out of anger, though... which now as a parent, I admire greatly. Honestly, I don't feel it had any ill effects on me, although I choose not to spank my kids. I think it affects different kids in different ways. My eldest is very sensitive... and that would crush him. Actually, just showing displeasure... frowning at him... used to start him crying.

I can see how kids of spankers would be more likely to be spankers just in that their parents would advise them to use that form of discipline. My Mom has said to me on more than one occassion that she would give my son a swift hit to the bottom for that behavior...

[amyjeans]

come to think of it- I wasnt spanked, I was hit with the belt. Boy, what a sad era that was.

[GooeyRN]

Its sad that belts were used on so many of us. I wonder whose idea it was to begin with, to smack kids with belts on their bare bottoms? That is sick and twisted, IMO. I don't believe for one second that people feel they do this "out of love" and "it hurts the beltER more". Its just downright inhumane! Its torture! How do these abusers expect a young child to process this? Can't this be seen as some kind of sick, twisted, sex fantasy? Why the kids bottom, and why bare? And Im sure its done in a humiliating, compromising position like my father made us stand in. (bending over the coffee table, bear butt in the air) I need to leave this thread. I am getting very angry and its not healthy.

[`guest`]

I was spanked and otherwise abused as a child, but the emotional abuse for me was far worse. I have never hit my children, and find other ways to work with my own anger and their behavior. I have friends who joke about their parents, "My mama used to throw shoes at me: etc. and they aren't bitter about it. But I am. I think there is more than the act, it's what is behind it, too. When you are raised by a stressed out single mom who loves you but doesnt know what else to do, it's different than being raised by emotionally and physically abusive people who act like they hate you and tell you how awful you are all the time...I'm not condoning spanking, it's just what is behind the act that is important as the act itself, I think.

Hopefully, someday we will all be able to realize that it doesn't help to spank, or hit, and even worse, to feel hated or disliked by your parents...instead of valued and loved, which all children should feel. I am again, NOT saying spanking is okay, just that the intent behind it is also a factor.