Sister just had 3rd Baby- My PPD continues

[ezrasmummy]

Hi- I am so struggling here today. Yesterday my sister had her 3rd baby, a successful 2nd VBAC. 8 mos ago I had a failed VBAC and have been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since. I want to be happy for her. I want to clap for her and say "wow that is awesome." But she delivered at the same hospital I did and when we took her kids to see the baby (my DH, 2 kids and her 2 kids we are watching) I needed anxiety meds just to walk in the door of the hospital. I even ran into one of the nurses I had and she recognized me. She immediately looked so sad for me as she clearly remembered the 5 days of tears I had. I could barely breathe.
What do I do? How do I take care of her, help her with the kids, talk about the great birth she had when I can't stop mourning the C/S? Arghhh! I see someone for counseling and have just started taking meds (much to my dismay) but the immediate stuff is killing me. Watching everyone gather around to celebrate the birth, knowing she comes home after just 2 days while I was stuck for 5. All of it. It just sucks and I am sad and hate it but wish to god that I could get past it and be 100 % happy for her.
I am rambling. I am tired. And all of us have colds! It just seems like it never stops raining in my little world. *sigh*
Thanks for letting me spill. My much loved sister I don't think has any idea the extent of my issues with this so it is good to be able to vent. Plus I don't want to make her feel badly for me when she should be applauding herself and enjoying her babymoon.
*sigh again*

[Emma's_Mommy]

i don't have any advice sence i have yet to try a VABC but i wanted to send hugs your way.....

and when you get depressed about it just remember you had a c-section b/c it was the BEST for YOUR BABY.....your only other choice was to wait it out which could have resulted in death for both of you.....

be proud that you were able to be selfless and put the needs of your baby first.....

and by all means feel free to talk here about your feelings

[Azreial]

no advice just

[pigpokey]

Just want to make sure you've ruled out PTSD as the problem. I don't know enough to guess, but from what I've read it's often misdiagnosed as other things after a traumatic birth because practitioners are not aware to look for it.

[ezrasmummy]

I have wondered about that. I have a history of depression and anxiety so have just gone along with the PPD idea but is it possible I have both? I have more thoughts on this but am off to see my counselor (Lois Freedman who wrote Birth as a Healing Experience!!!). I'll be back.