Neighborhood Children

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Our neighborhood has lots of kids. They range in age from four years to seven years.

Our DD is 19 months.

The kids constantly come over and want to "play" with DD. They don't REALLY want to play with her, I don't think, they more want to play with her toys, or play with her in the sense that she is like a dolly that they can dress up and tote around. They don't really seem to have the sense that she is a person in her own right and they play with her more like they would a puppy, or a toy.

I like for her to have some social interaction. When she hears the kids in the neighborhood, she starts yelling, "Hi Hi Hi!" even though she can't see them. She gets excited and wants to be where they are. When they come over, she is initially excited, but after about 3-4 minutes, as soon as one of them tries to pick her up or dress her or whatever, she immediately runs to me and wants to be held. Having the other kids over requires intensely more supervision, both for DD's safety and theirs. So I don't mind them coming over now and then, when I'm in a position to heavily supervise, and for short periods, but all the time is way too much.

The trouble is, they are ALWAYS coming over. We can't go out in the yard without them coming over. They constantly want my attention and I feel like DD gets much less attention and just basically is stuck in my arms while I talk talk talk "Its Megan's turn to use the car. No, we are out of popsicles. If you're hungry maybe you should go ask your mom for a snack. Hey, Katie, please don't throw sand at Orion. Oops, Keeli, that's not a toy; here, would you like to play with this. Its Katie's turn now. Take off your shoes please on the trampoline. Oops, that doesn't look safe - can you leave the shovel in the shed, please." On and on and on.

Today was especially difficult. DD was having a hard time going down for her nap, and just as she was about to fall asleep (FINALLY) 3 of them come knocking on the door. DD is immediately fully awake and excited, and it takes a good 20 minutes to get the neighborhood kids out the door and out of the yard; the four-year-old doesn't listen well and keeps picking up toys. I finally got her to leave by telling her she could take the robot with her. DD screamed unhappily when they left and she is just now sleeping (two hours past her usual time) as I write this.

I'm not sure what to do, or if I'm expecting too much to have no children always coming over. These kids are from different families; I could talk to each parent, but since it seems all the kids are equally intrusive I wonder if I'm expecting too much. To be fair to the kids, our yard has tons of fun stuff in it (trampoline, ball pit, sandbox, etc) which we put in the backyard so its more out of sight but they still know its there. I don't like treating the neighborhood kids differently than I would treat DD in terms of making requests (such as explaining why, honoring the impulse behind their behavior, etc) but maybe I need to because its takes so long. I feel like I'm parenting the whole neighborhood.

I need some perspective. Right now I kind of feel like packing up and moving to Siberia where the nearest neighbor is ten miles away. And I avoid going outside way too much. And when I do go outside its to run to the car to get out of there, take DD to the park or something.

[siobhang]

wow, you have a neighborhood where the kids and parents feel safe enough to come and go as they please? That is so cool. Our neighborhood isn't really that way, although some of us want it to be. Very few people feel comfortable letting their under 10 year olds out of adult supervision - and most of the kids are so overscheduled they aren't around much anyway.

I lived in a neighborhood like this for a short time as a kid. I remember my mom had rules for the neighborhood kids.

Whatever you need them to be - no visitors between X and Ypm. No playing with certain toys. No coming into the yard unless you are there.

And if they violate those rules, you'll tell their parents and they won't be welcome back at your house.

Hope that helps

Siobhan

[2much2luv]

I agree wholeheartedly with siobhang. Lay down some firm ground rules and if they can't obey them *then* talk to their parents.

I would be so incredibly annoyed. Having to parent other people's children without being asked to is a major pet-peeve of mine.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by siobhang

wow, you have a neighborhood where the kids and parents feel safe enough to come and go as they please? That is so cool. Our neighborhood isn't really that way, although some of us want it to be. Very few people feel comfortable letting their under 10 year olds out of adult supervision - and most of the kids are so overscheduled they aren't around much anyway.

I lived in a neighborhood like this for a short time as a kid. I remember my mom had rules for the neighborhood kids.

Whatever you need them to be - no visitors between X and Ypm. No playing with certain toys. No coming into the yard unless you are there.

And if they violate those rules, you'll tell their parents and they won't be welcome back at your house.

Hope that helps

Siobhan

Well, I'm not so sure the parents SHOULD feel that their kids are safe running about unsupervised... I'm not sure the parents even know where their kids are half the time... last month a four year old and five year old followed me down to the clubhouse pool (heck, its a free street, I tried to discourage them but they followed me anyway); I was just there to drop something off, I look over and they're both in the pool fully clothed, no lifeguard, no supervision or anything. I didn't feel comfortable leaving them swimming alone in the pool so I told them to get out and come on back home, took at least 30 minutes.

You're right, though. I need to set firmer boundaries, I guess. And then followup with the parents if they keep violating the boundaries. Its just such a pain and I'm such a wimp about these things. I get angry that I have to deal with this stuff constantly when I just want to have a nice, quiet time with DD.

[TudoBem]

I have a really high needs son who also loves the neighborhood kids so for us it's been positive that they give him attention. He's so high needs that we usually welcome their interacting with him.
That said, we do naturally set limits with them, though. We make sure they're playing/interacting with ds when they come over. We'll tell them we can't do something with them (i.e. play some game) because we have to watch ds, we tell them they have to knock on the door quietly, etc.
I think having the kids around helps young kids. They feel included and love to learn/hang out with the older ones. And we as parents can be right there to monitor.
but, like other people have said, you just have to have firm limits. Nothing wrong with that. I find the kids don't mind, either, even if I'm stern with them. they tend to know when they're out of bounds anyway.
BTW, with the pool thing, I would have basically told them to get out of the pool now or I would get their parents immediately and they would be in trouble. If they dawdled I would repeat "Now" and then start walking away to tell the parents. If the parents didn't end up caring, well then, there's not much you could do about that.
Also, we will often tell the kids when they need to leave. You could just give them a 5 minute warning or something like that and then make sure they say goodbye to your child so the transition is easier.

[marybethorama]

I've had neighborhood kids like that in the past.

I agree with everyone else. Firm boundaries.

Don't be afraid to say no.

I'm not suggesting that you are but it's okay to say "come back at ___ "or "no you can't play today"

[tallulahma]

i have kids next door. Ill tell them, "no dd cant play today". they come back 5 minutes later. They've woken her from much needed naps before. Ive been there. But their parents are a little scary and big into yelling so I dont say much to them.

[chinaKat]

I know somebody that had this problem. She finally resolved it by telling ALL the neighborhood kids that if it was cool to come and play, she would hang out a little flag (or maybe it was put out a garden gnome or pink flamingo or something, I forget!).

If the flag wasn't out, it was private family time.

Whenever the kids started piling in but she wasn't up for it, she'd say "can you come back when the flag is out?" and it really worked. All ages seemed to *get* it and she didn't need to get their parents involved. Sometimes kids would ask if it was okay to put the flag out, and she'd say yes or no depending on her situation that day.

Hope this helps!

[Jessy1019]

This is why we don't want neighbors. I love that I am almost always able to leave my house without interacting with half the neighborhood before I can get in my car. As it is, there are a few adults in our area that drop by unannounced and can't take a hint when they've overstayed their welcome. ;-)

Seriously, I think the flag suggestion is an excellent one!! It sets boundaries that the kids should be capable of understanding, without coming across as rude or getting the parents involved.

[annethcz]

Our neighborhood is a little like that. Lots of kids, there's always someone playing outside. I've found that it's important to establish firm boundaries. It can feel weird to say, "you need to leave now." But that sort of statement is very clear and will get the message across without being too harsh.