WHY am I the judgemental one?

[JamesMama]

UGH!!! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE get-together's with DH's family. All the women get together and since we have a new baby in the family it ALWAYS turns to the most mainstream crap you can think of

"I breastfed for a week and IT SUCKED"
"Oh yeah, I didn't even TRY. Couldn't do it."
"I breastfed mine while I was in the hospital."
"I can't wait till DN (2 weeks old btw) is sleeping through the night. We're putting cereal in his bottle because he has acid reflux. He only wakes up once!"
"Oh, I let DC Cry it out at 4 months. It's worse on mom than it is on them. They NEED their sleep."

And I mention nursing my 19-month old or co-sleeping and I get eye rolls and then they go on about cosleeping being dangerous and bf'ing past 1 being gross and on and on and on and on. (DS is circ'ed : : and I distinctly remember MIL in the hospital "Don't worry about that icky thing, they'll get rid of it when they circimcise him." in regards to his foreskin...didn't know any better, live and learn I suppose)

And if I mention ANYTHING about Bf'ing and how our DOCTOR said I'm protecting him against allergies and diabetes (DH is T1 diabetic) all of the sudden I'm the judgemental one? HELLO, didn't they just call me GROSS and say I'm putting my son in danger? All I'm doing is stating FACTS.

Sorry, had to get that out.

Does anyone else deal with this when dealing with mainstream parents? They are 'allowed' to bash AP left and right and all of the sudden if you say ONE thing to the contrary YOU'RE the judgemental one? How does that work?

[boongirl]

Oh boy, I have been there. My mil asked for almost two years when dd was going to sleep on her own. (she bought us the crib) She also kept saying, every time I saw here, "oh are you still nursing her?" s to you

I have found that when I am in the position of having to defend a belief or practice that others ridicule, it is best to come armed with scientific data. The best source of information that I can think of when it comes to arguing in favor of breastfeeding is the American Academy of Pediatricians and the World Health Organization. The Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health are two other good choices.

Print this out and carry it with you. When they bring it up, tell them that this explains the scientific reasoning behind your decision, a decision which you are not wavering from.

AAP breastfeeding position statement

Here is a list of articles in favor of cosleeping you could print for them.

But, also keep in mind that you are practicing parenting that they did not. In order to think favorably of your parenting, they would have to be mature enough to respect other parenting practices than their own. Most people have a really hard time respecting a practice that is in opposition to their own. Another route is either to not visit them until they promise to stop talking about it. Or, you could just ignore them and tell them that this is what you are doing, you are proud of it, you feel confident that it is not only the best thing for your child but that it has been proven to be good for children, and that you do not want to discuss it any further unless they want to learn more about it.

[Greenie]

Yeah. That happens. Look at it this way: You're doing what works for you, and they did what worked for them. Is it 100% right? Probably not.. But that's all they know.

I've learned one thing in my 22 years, and that is STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Because no one else is going to do it for you. If you come off as a b****, oh well. They don't really understand where you are coming from.

I'd probably say something like "You know, I don't say mean things about the decisions that you've made, however repulsive I find them. Please don't say nasty things to me about how I parent my child. I know that I'm making the right decisions for us, and if you think that's too much, then just keep your mouth shut." Then I'd take the massive stack of articles that I've printed out of my bag, slam them down on the table, and leave.

[Shaunam]

You're not being judgemental. It sounds like you stated a fact (bf'ing reduces allergies) and they can't handle the fact that they didn't even try to give their kid the best. They are dealing with guilt and when they hear or see something that triggers that guilt, they are going to lash out at what made them think about it. In this case, it was you. If the 10 o'clock news did a story on bf'ing reducing allergies, they'd be huffing and puffing at the tv.

I deal with the same thing, though thank goodness, not to the same extent that you do (another ). I'll be the first to admit, I'm judgemental as hell. I judge people who choose not to do what's best for their chldren. I judge people who treat their kids like crap. I judge people who ignore their children's cries. I judge people who do the opposite of what has been shown to be the best because "so and so did it and their kids are fine".

The difference is, I keep it to myself. If I can go along with a conversation and possibly educate or enlighten someone with *tactful* words, I do so. But I don't tell my sister that feeding her child formula is gross, unnatural, and wrong. How is that helping anyone?

Your family is playing up a culturally accepted double standard. Mainstream parenting practices are common and if you go against that, you're a weird hippy and since you go against what people are used to, it's fair game to say mean things to you and ridicule you. It's like on the schoolyard. If spongebob is the cool thing and everyone is wearing spongebob and one kid comes to school in a thomas the train shirt, everyone ridicules him tells him thomas is sooo babyish and only wierd people wear thomas. The poor kid really likes thomas and isn't ashamed to wear the shirt, but he's still hurt by what the other kids said. So he explains his reasons why he chooses to wear thomas and not spongebob. He's not attacking spongebob, he just prefers Thomas. Well, the other kids feel guilty because they too like thomas, but feel like they have to wear spongebob to be normal and accepted, so they lash out and place their feelings of guilt on the kid who made them think.

They are being childish. Just be the bigger person if you can. And tell them to watch their language around your son. Saying it's weird or gross for him to nurse, WILL make an impact on him. Tell them, until they can find some literature that supports their opinion, they are not to discuss their whacked out *opinions* in front of your son. I agree with the pp. Stand up for yourself!

[Greenie]

Originally Posted by Shaunam

They are being childish. Just be the bigger person if you can. And tell them to watch their language around your son. Saying it's weird or gross for him to nurse, WILL make an impact on him. Tell them, until they can find some literature that supports their opinion, they are not to discuss their whacked out *opinions* in front of your son. I agree with the pp. Stand up for yourself!

Thank you!! Exactly. Just make a stand for your family once... Usually once will be enough.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I try to stay relentlessly positive and say what I need to with a smile. I think many women interpret doing things differently (AP) as judgement on their own styles. However, there is a thread on MDC called "Judgemental Mamas" who embrace their judgementalism. So there's that option too.

I'm really not sure that's the best way to go, regarding sharing with others (and hopefully influencing them) without losing them totally. I wouldn't want to emulate someone I saw as judgemental and elitist about their parenting choices and could always find fault with others' - nobody likes an AP Hall Monitor; but I would definitely listen to someone who was open and positive about their choices. There have definitely been choices that I've made due to the positive influence of others. For example, now I do EC because a friend explained it so positively. If she'd gone on and on about the evils of diapering (as I've seen some do), I would've been totally turned off.

I think it would be totally acceptable to state that their opinions - while they're entitled to them - are very hurtful when said like that. I would be very upset if someone said my BFing was "gross." I would probably remove myself from that conversation if they couldn't adhere to simple, usual decorum regarding politeness. Don't sink to their level.

[thefragile7393]

I think some people are just defensive over their parenting practices....maybe they are doing something that isn't necessarily healthy and they know it. And some just love to feel superior to others.

That being said, I printed out the WHO recommendations (past 2!) and the APP recommendations (and highlighted the areas mentioning breastfeeding, especially where it says no emotional harm will be done if it's done past one and that it should be done as long as mutually desirable). I show them now to people who try to challenge me on this.

[Cheshire]

Just reply back

"I'm not being judgemental, you're being defensive. It seems that we all know we haven't made the same parenting choices so in the future for family harmony why don't we agree to just not bring it up. If you really want to discuss it I'd be more than happy to show you the research we've used to come to the decisions we've made. How do you girls want to handle it?"

[JamesMama]

The thing is I rarely say ANYTHING negative about their parenting. I work VERY hard to use "I" sentences and sometimes I make it sound like I'm lazy or permissive "I could never stand to hear James cry." "I'm such a softie wimp, I couldn't do CIO." "I am so lazy, I couldn't deal if James was clear in the other room and I had to actually get out of bed. That would require effort on my part."

Or I'll say "Well my dr said *such and such*" if they are really being mean about whatever. *sigh*

Then my SIL says "Well my girlfriend is a nurse in the OB and she isn't bf'ing." like that makes not bf'ing okay.

[elmh23]

Is there any way you could just stay away from family get togethers? They sound like people you shouldn't be around.

[Brigianna]

The minority/non-mainstream/alternative opinion is almost always the "judgmental" one. You can call non-mainstreamers gross because, well, that's just telling it like it is, but criticizing a mainstream behavior/practice/opinion is of course judgmental, because don't you know the *only* reason people do non-mainstream things is so they can think they're better than everyone else?








After awhile you learn to just nod and smile and say "oh, that's nice" and look for an exit.

[Beeblebrox]

What if the next time they get started, you leave the room. If they ask, tell them that since you guys are of differing opinions and your opinion isn't wanted, you'd rather do something else....or does that sound too bitchy?

[Greenie]

Originally Posted by Snooter

What if the next time they get started, you leave the room. If they ask, tell them that since you guys are of differing opinions and your opinion isn't wanted, you'd rather do something else....or does that sound too bitchy?

I think that it sounds great.