Am I Ruining My Kid?

[bakerliz]

Hi there! My 3-year-old son started at a GREAT Montessori school last week. The first couple days only the new kids (6 of them) attended, then the other kids joined the group totalling 25. They only had class for 1 1/2 hours to ease them in.

The first week, Jack hopped out of the car when his teacher greeted him, and went inside. The last day of last week, he came home looking a little sad- and he brought his napkin (that they usually leave at school) home with him.

Over the weekend,dh and I took Jack to the playgorund at the school, hoping that would remind him of the fun he had so that he would be ready to go back.

On Monday morning, Jack woke up and said (first thing) "I'm not going to school!". Finally, I said we could go early and play on the playground and I would leave when the teachers arrived. Jack said ok.

When the teachers got there, he begged me not to go. He cried, and finally, the teachers said I should just go, and I did. I had to walk tearfully past the carpool (ugh!). The assistant called a little later and said that he had settled down eventually and was happily doing work and talking to his friend. When I went to pick him up he seemed happy and unscathed.

Today, again, he didn't want to go. I didn't want to repeat yesterday's disaster by dragging out the separation, so I figured we'd try the carpool lane again. I spoke to his teacher yesterday and she suggested that we offer some early playground time with the assistant or the chance to help feed the toads in the classroom. He loves the toads (and outdoor time).

This morning he had to be pulled out of the car by the assistant. He was yelling "Mommy- I'm scared. Don't go!". The assistant carried him in. I went tearfully down the highway.

Is this the right thing to do? Am I abandoning my child when he needs me? Will this end?

The teacher said that I should pick him up early for a while until he's more comfortable, so he's going to miss outdoor time with the other kids (the assistant will still take him out by himself for a little while before I pick him up). I'm afraid there's going to be even less for him to like about school.

I believe the teachers are wonderful, kind, and sensitive. Jack has just never really been away from me very much.

Anyone have experience or thoughts on this. It feels so wrong and I don't want to scar my child by abandoning him, but on the other hand, I do think that he's bored at home and needs this experience.

Please help!!!

Thanks!
Liz:

P.S. Sorry this is so long!

[annettemarie]

*hugs*

Have you asked him why he's scared or why he doesn't want to go? Personally, I'm a big believer in listening to children, especially if they're telling me they don't feel safe.

[LionTigerBear]

I don't really believe in preschool, I think it's kind of weird and unnatural. Where in the world and when in history (before now) have people ever sent their babies to school? It's not horrible for all children, some might like it, but most attached toddlers wouldn't. Your son is still SO YOUNG! I would go with your gut instinct. You know your child best. Wait until your son is school-age before you even gently force some separation on him.

[bright]

Do you have to leave him? Like, do you have to work or do school?

If not, I'd maybe stay with him for the day, or part of the day. My daughter went thru a hard time when I started leaving her, and she was in a safe, calm environment. She had previously been showing lots of signs of boredom and desire for independence, but became very clingy when she started going to childcare.

I would do whatever you can to soften the transition.

[sophmama]

Is there any kind of object you can give him to put in his pocket during the day to remind him you're always there? A note or a personal object of yours?

[bakerliz]

OK, first a quick update:
I went to pick up Jack and the teacher said he said he didn't want to go. He was working on a puzzle with his friend. He had a snack, used the bathroom (first time using the one at school), and said he was going to leave his napkin at school today. I can be back there in 15 minutes and I know the teacher will call if he says he's ready to go. Otherwise I'll pick him up at noon after he gets his 45 minutes on the playground. Yay!

annettemarie- thanks! :-) I did ask him why he was scared and he was afraid he would forget his friends' names or that he would have to poop at school. I explained that he can ask his teacher any time he forgets a name, and if he has to poop, she will walk him to the bathroom and wait right there until he says he needs her. I think it's general anxiety about so many new things. I'll continue to try to listen. :-)

Caitlin-- I know what you mean about it being unnatural. I think a lot about the continuum concept and other organic situations, and I think the ideal situation would be for Jack to be in a neighborhood with lots of kids his age that he could play with. The reality for us, though, is that whatever kids there are here have been in daycare forever. We have AP friends who are more available, but the truth is that Jack (maybe not all kids) needs the stimulation of other children every day. He gets bored with me, and I'm pregnant and have been sick and tired for the last 2+ months and haven't been a very good playmate. I thought hard about whether to send him and where. We're killing our budget to send him to this school (there were several other less expensive Mont. schools here), but this was the most warm, nurturing school around, and we have at least 5-6 other AP families in the same school. Still, if it doesn't improve for him, we will pull him out.

bright-- I thought a lot about this, too. But it seems that the longer the goodbye, the more time he has to anticipate the separation, the worse it is. Also, I would be concerned that he would feel like I had a reason not to trust the teacher or that he would listen to me and not her in the classroom and I don't want to create MORE issues. I know that when we have long goodbyes when he goes for an outing with his dad,he sometimes gets upset seeing me wave while their car drives away, but if they just leave while I'm working inside,he's fine. This is just what I've seen with Jack.

sophmama- i think this is a great idea and we've tried it a bit. I used to give him my watch to wear when he went out with his dad somewhere and didn't want to go. I even got him his own watch, which we put on his school bag so he'll know it's almost time for my return. He just seemed resistant to everything this week. He didn't want my watch.He just wanted to say no.

Thank you all for the ideas. We were anticipating a rough start, then we had an easy first week, so we were caught off-guard this week. I think the best plan for now is to talk and listen to him and maybe we'll try the object again,too. Even if this week gets better, I think that we could see this again after the 3-day weekend.

I just feel better knowing that I cried longer than he did. And I believe these teachers. My friend started her daughter there last year and I know that they called here when their daughter was just having a miserable day. What a relief!

Thanks!!

Liz

[pjlioness]

I strongly caution against letting the teacher take him away from you with him upset/resisting/crying. He has to trust his teacher to have a good experience, and that does not foster trust in either of you (teacher or parent), IMO&E.

[gamom]

At my son's mont school they have a carpool lane where a teacher will escort the child out of the car into the building. we have been going to school for over a month now and still do not use the carpool lane. I found that it is a lot easier for my son to make the transition to school if I park the car and walk him up to the teacher and then let the teacher escort him into the building. Your son may find it threatening to have someone else open the car door, unbuckle him from his seat and take him out of the car into the building away from you. I know a lot of mont people/teachers believe that it is the best way to separate (seeing you drive away instead of walking away) but I dont think so, for us it just works better if I walk him up to the teacher and then leave ( I do not go into the building).

It also might help your son if you all told him "social stories" before hand. I use these with my son who has a hard time with transitions. What we usually do is talk about what will happen when I take him to school. It goes something like this, mama is going to take you to school, we will park the car and walk up to the teacher, you will go into the building with him and will have fun with your new friends or whatever you need to say about what will happen once he gets into school. It would be helpful for you to know what work he likes and is choosing during the day you can add this to your social story (you will go outside to play with your friends on the playground ect). You can also come up with a very special "good bye" saying that is only used when you will leave him for a while. I use this in my social story, I say something like, when mama has to leave I will say "see you later, gator" and you will say to mama "after while crocodile" then mama will say "okee dokey" and you are going to say "artichokee". I know its kinda long but it works, he can't remember it all but he always will say okee dokey mama, and walks right into the building with the teacher without crying or looking back (that part kinda hurts my feelings some )

Sorry this is so long but try it and let me know how it works. Most times kids need to know what to expect and what is expected of them to make the transitions smoother at least that seems to be the case with my kid.

Little background on my son he just turned three and has been attending mont school for half day for a little more than a month now.

Gloria

[LionTigerBear]

I'm glad he is doing better. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to send toddlers to preschool (just not natural), and I can definitely understand your reasons. I just wouldn't force the issue if he doesn't like it, you know? But it sounds like you reallly in tune with his needs anyway. You go mom!

[Lillianna]

First of all, Liz, I want to say that I think you are a very thoughtful woman! You have such an open mind, you do trust you instincts and I think you seem to really be in touch with your son. What a lucky boy he is to have such a great Momma!
I was in your shoes last year, my darling daughter leaving me for her first M experience! She had been quite independent from a young age, though. She would stay with her grandparents or sitter no problem. Of course, she knew them all from birth but I did notice that when I kept the goodbyes short and sweet, she transitioned more easily. So, that's what I stuck with the first few days. She cried as I left, I turned to go. I did have to get to work, but also wanted the experience for her as well and felt that it would be the best decision in the long run. She cried briefly each morning for about 3 days. She ended up loving her class, having a great year. Now she is telling me that this year, she wants to walk in by herself! Though it's impossible, (I have to go to her room to pick up the Directress' son and take him to the Toddler class next to ours) I will try to honor her request somehow because I believe that it is important for my child to know that I think she is capable and that I trust her!
I do think we can do this without tears! There needs to be more discussion among parents and teachers about understanding why parents don't go into the M Children's House and more experiences for the children to get to know the Directress and the other children before separating from the parent, before the first day of school. Some children benefit from a more gradual phasing in. 20 years ago, our school took a month to phase in all new students. Now we do it in 2 weeks.
Good luck tomorrow! My dd doesn't start until next week so I have yet to see how it will all go over this year...
Also, another Mother told me that she had a story about a goodbye kiss that you give to the child in her hand, that she can carry in with her. She liked that, I think we only did it for a few days though.

[madsandandy]

The book that Lillianna refers to is called "The Kissing Hand".

http://www.amazon.com/-Kissing-Hand/...092132?ie=UTF8

My dd's preschool/kgarten montessori teacher loaned it to us prior to dd starting when she was 4 and she was a VERY attached and sensitive child. She still is but she's 6 and also much more independent, confident and strong now. She cried the first day and was all smiles after that so we were very lucky. She must have been ready for it but just didn't realize it.

Anyway, I hope things continue to go well with your son. I'm struggling with whether to send my son after the holiday break when he's 3.5...provided there is a spot.

Take Care.

Beth
momma to madeline, 6 and anderson 3, wife to brian

[bakerliz]

Oh yes, we did a lot of preparation for starting school... we have The Kissing Hand, and another book called Owl Babies, where the mom always comes back...

We made arrangements to visit the classroom, even before the open house the day before school so Jack could spend some time with the teacher and get to know the classroom. We took lots of pictures and made a book with pictures of everything from our car pulling into the parking lot, to things around the classroom (including the bathroom!), to the things on the playground. We read it together, adding in new pictures as we get them (kids in the class, activities they've done, etc.).

We play on the playground on the weekend to help remind Jack what a fun place it is to be. Before school began, we even did mock carpool drop-offs where my husband pretended to be the teacher and I would drive up, dh would open the door and Jack would jump out.

Today we had another dropoff where he didn't want to get out, but he stopped crying before he got inside, then he had a pretty good day from what I hear. And he seemed happy when I went to get him.

Maybe this is due to his introverted parents. We still get nervous entering new places and situations, too.

Lilliana- Thanks for sharing your experience(and for the nice things you said :-) ). i think that there were opportunities at our school to get to know it better, but because we enrolled late (July), then had unfortunate conflicting vacation plans, we missed all of the scheduled play dates over the summer that would have helped Jack get ready.

Our drive in was all positive until the moment that Jack had to get out. He panicked and didn't want to go. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Thanks everyone for the great ideas and for sharing your experiences. You really helped me. :-)

Liz

[lisap]

DD is having the same issues. I left her yesterday for her 2nd trial day and she cried. I left against my gut feeling. I called the director when I got home and she said DD was doing very well. DD did well at the first trial day, but she didn't want to eat lunch there so she came home a half hour early. Yesterday I knew she was a little nervous so we said a little prayer in the parking lot and then hugged. She was fine until she saw a little boy screaming for his mom. She immedialtly looked at me and started to cry.

[madsandandy]

hey liz,

it sounds like you did GREAT with the prep work even tho you enrolled late. you guys sound like awesome parents.

i'm rooting for you over here and hope things get a lot better real soon.

beth

[bakerliz]

Oh LisaP, I hope that things improve for you soon, too. I see the teacher or her assistant every day when they bring Jack back to the car after school and they said that in the morning he's upset when he leaves, but as soon as he sees the other kids he becomes so interested in what they're doing that he stops being upset. It's not that he's upset for so long, it just feels like slow motion...it lasts forever in my head.

It's horrible seeing Jack cry. I've NEVER left him like that before, but I think that he's been happier overall since he's been in school. He needs this stimulation. I had a mentor (a former boss) who gave me opportunities to do things that I felt were sometimes beyond me. She used to say "if you're comfortable, you're not growing...". Could that be the case for these little people, too? I don't know. But I see Jack changing in positive ways so much, every day.

Yesterday, after I tripped over a pile of toys and I was kind of upset, Jack came over to me and said "Take my hand, I'll give you a lesson." He walked me to some toys and showed me how I could lift my foot over them. It was really sweet.

Beth- thanks for the kind words, and we can use all the rooting that we can get. :-)

I hope everyone else is having or will have a good start to this school year.

Liz :-)

[RomanGoddess]

Originally Posted by Caitlin320

Where in the world and when in history (before now) have people ever sent their babies to school?

You would be surprised. In tribal and hunting and gathering societies, leaving your child in a group of children and other women to care for them was absolutely normal. That's not preschool, more like daycare, I guess, but the idea of collective care is similar.

What's more, in most modern societies (in developing countries, generally), babies and small children have many more people than just mommy with them during that day. They are surrounded by lots of people - siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas. And mama expects a lot of support from all these people in addition to others in the community. And this support includes mama absenting herself for work or errands while baby is being looked after by the extended family.

It is the isolationism that modern western society imposes on mothers and babies that is not normal - much more so than collective environments like pre-school, IMO.

Sorry for going off topic but thought I should respond.

[pjlioness]

Originally Posted by cmlp

You would be surprised. In tribal and hunting and gathering societies, leaving your child in a group of children and other women to care for them was absolutely normal. That's not preschool, more like daycare, I guess, but the idea of collective care is similar.

What's more, in most modern societies (in developing countries, generally), babies and small children have many more people than just mommy with them during that day. They are surrounded by lots of people - siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas. And mama expects a lot of support from all these people in addition to others in the community. And this support includes mama absenting herself for work or errands while baby is being looked after by the extended family.

It is the isolationism that modern western society imposes on mothers and babies that is not normal - much more so than collective environments like pre-school, IMO.

Sorry for going off topic but thought I should respond.

:

[OhTheThinks.....]

Originally Posted by cmlp

You would be surprised. In tribal and hunting and gathering societies, leaving your child in a group of children and other women to care for them was absolutely normal. That's not preschool, more like daycare, I guess, but the idea of collective care is similar.

What's more, in most modern societies (in developing countries, generally), babies and small children have many more people than just mommy with them during that day. They are surrounded by lots of people - siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas. And mama expects a lot of support from all these people in addition to others in the community. And this support includes mama absenting herself for work or errands while baby is being looked after by the extended family.

It is the isolationism that modern western society imposes on mothers and babies that is not normal - much more so than collective environments like pre-school, IMO.

Sorry for going off topic but thought I should respond.

So very true !!!!!!!!!! and a great reminder !!!

[Flor]

Ds started M school on Tuesday. The first day he loved it. He was the one who wasn't crying. The second he cried. I believe he really loves it (I couldn't get him to sleeplast night, he kept popping up and saying, "Let's talk about school again!") but he really misses us too . His teacher says he asks for us all day (8-12 4x a week). It's only week one, so I hope it gets easier.

[flyingspaghettimama]

cmlp, you rock. Great explanation.

(whine) Where's MY extended tribe? (whine)