Just to clear up... no one is diagnosing anyone...
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Originally Posted by shanagirl
So my question is if this woman is so toxic, so awful, so invasive (did I miss the part where she comes over and forces the granddaughter to come over?) so mentally ill, what does it say about a mother who freely admits that she let her daughter spend extended periods with her over years? I got the very strong impression from the OP that she WAS a much used babysitter and caregiver.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the OP, just that you can't have it both ways-- if the MIL was truly the monster some of you are comfortable stating, then why didn't the parents' radar and instincts go off before they accepted what sound like extensive babysitting over the years?
So, assuming the OPs instincts in the past were good, I would guess the MIL is probably not a toxic mentally ill ogre but a flawed elderly person who is physically ill and fearful and, I agree, narcissistic, but narcissism...well, people who are without it are rare and amazing.
As for the MIL issue, it has been on Mothering's boards that I have been struck by how durable a thread starter it is over the years. Simply titled "MIL rant", the postings and responses go on for many screens. I do think it is a uniquely complex relationship for many and I'm fascinated by it. That's what drew me into this thread -- the 'mil' in the title.
But we're still always only hearing one side of the story and I read the posts to try to get a little more than just what's on the surface.
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Yes, you can have it both ways with someone who has NPD, yes you can. You can have a total charmer, and a snake in the grass. They can and do jam the radar of almost everyone they meet and have connections with, but daughters and daughters in law are often targeted by the snake part of the NPD mother/mother in law.
I'm not diagnosing the OP's mil with NPD, but if she does have it, OP's life could change for knowing. Maybe this old lady is just a selfish interferer whom OP has patiently endured all these years, for family harmony. After all, it's hubby's mother; he should know, right? (They don't usually, they get the "charmer" part) Now that OP's daughter is manifesting some problems, patience has turned to alarm, brought about by cumulative "evidence." Her original post sounded very alarmed. (Apologies to OP for talkin' boutcha. Maybe this is a hijacking of your thread... .)
Narcissistic personality disorder: It's not the same as merely "narcissistic." The disorder is a mental illness--not that it can be cured. Maybe technically, it's "just' a disorder, but either way, it's dangerous, it's crafty, and it is very, very destructive to any who are touched by it. Whether it's your MIL, or mother, or grandmother, it's very easy to be conned by them and pressured by all those they fool to distrust your own intuitions. For decades, especially if it's your own mom or grandma: we WANT to have a mom, a grandma. We WANT to believe they are good, even if it means we have to tell ourselves that WE must be a little oversensitive in order to read her as "good." Oh, and one more thing about those with NPD: as they age, they get worse, way worse.
And I would like to emphasize that I suggested that MAYBE OP's mil "might" have this disorder. Her concerns sounded very familiar to me, and if my mentioning it leads someone, including her, to confirming if it is or isn't, it could make a huge difference in the quality of their future lives. I hope it isn't, and I can only be glad for those who have no experience of such a person in their lives.
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