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In Court Constantly for Child Support - Page 2

post #21 of 31
Thread Starter 
I really do understand it is best to let it go. I really do, but it is soooo hard when I know he is just doing this to make me angry. It at times seems just stupid that I even fight back in court, but I didnt have these children on my own and shouldnt have to be the only one supporting them. I would be happy if he just paid for insurance or something.. I think what bothers me the most is that the court isnt willing to charge him with contempt. He is court ordered to pay support, and to get a job....But again they do nothing. The state just does not enforce anything! The let him be on welfare, but tell me I cant get any sort of state help (not that I want to) because I make too much money.... The state is technically not suppose to be helping anyone who does not pay their child support...

So again as you can see it is all frustrating...I wish I could blink and be over the fighting for money.....It's just not that easy....
post #22 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by WImom3
So again as you can see it is all frustrating...I wish I could blink and be over the fighting for money.....It's just not that easy....
no it is not...and yes it is.

You just have to choose to stop letting it bug you and when it comes to your mind to be mad you drop it. Even say it out loud "nope, I am not going to let that looser make me mad anymore" and move on.

I had to learn to do that when I wanted to be angry that we couldn't pay bills and bm was using our cs to buy new appliances in her new house and I was struggling to make food for my babies. But you can't go there.

As a cp I am angry that my ex doesn't visit our child. But you really can't do anything to make the other person be better. But you can- you really can choose to stop letting it bother you.

It isn't any different than stopping any habit behavior. It is impossibly hard and totally easy to do. Just put down the cupcake and step back from the fridge (OK that one I can't do but I have learned how to stop obsessing and being angry about the ex-either ex!).
post #23 of 31
MM - You make a lot of very good points. I totally understand the frustration with struggling to make ends meet and watching bm buy new things left and right...and you're right, at some point you gotta let it go. Luckily we've mostly arrived at that point. It is tough for DH every once in a while though when he hears about somewhere really fun (and totally out of our budget...even before DD was born) that bm got to take the girls to because of the monthly CS.

The state where DH and BM were divorced is one of the few in which CS is reduced basked on the number of children the non-custodial parent has exclusive of the custodial parent. Even if we were the custodial parents and bm had more children, she would be able to file to pay less support for the first children in order to accomodate her new child(ren). So, we're preparing to file, and bm knows that. As she said, since the oldest is now in public school, her daycare costs are cut in half, so costs will still be covered even when CS is reduced.

WHEW! Sorry, didn't mean to hijack!

WImom3, it's a shame your state isn't more proactive about dead-beat dads. In the state where CS was settled for DH and his x, if he had stopped making payments, or refused to pay, he would have been put in jail. Period. Dead-beat parents are taken very seriously here. If they're not paying, they go to prison. Not sure what that accomplishes, but at least it's a harsh reality for those who refuse to take care of their children.
post #24 of 31
I agree let it go. We don't persue child support from the non-cust. parent because what a pain, and how much would we get anyway? If you don't need it, let it go. I also find it hard to believe that the only reason he's doing this is to anger you. If you said you'd never ask for child support would he go out and get a job? You will feel better to untangle youself. Let life/karma deal with him, not you.
post #25 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by WImom3
I really do understand it is best to let it go. I really do, but it is soooo hard when I know he is just doing this to make me angry. ...
So what he's really invested in is making you angry, and engaging you in conflict? I bet he'd be pretty bummed if you just wrote him off and got on with your life, hey? No more regular court 'dates' together - what would he do for kicks?

Seriously, it does sound very frustrating, but I agree with the others that if you're not getting anything out of it and don't expect to get anything out of it, bowing out of the conflict dynamic may be the best thing.
post #26 of 31
You divorced yourself from the marriage when it became to toxic for you to live with. Divorce yourself from this toxic dynamic all over again. And it's probably going to be as hard to let go now as it was the first time, but you were strong enough then, and aware of what you really needed to do for you. I'm sure you're strong enough now. You have a lot of energy invested, just imagine where else you might invest it to better benefit. This man is still taking up so much of you, almost effortlessly on his part. Imagine being free of it, lol.
post #27 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
I am a sahm and it sucks being a sahp with prior kids to support. But I can't have too much sympathy for your plight. I would say he is voluntarily unemployed and we knew in our house that it wasn't an option for dh to be the sahp since he had a prior cs obligation to fulfill.

We were though very impoverished for a long time due to cs- but that was our choice. We knew about it when we had kids.

Further I am not familiar with many states that REDUCE cs for future children- rather they slow the rate of increase for future kids.
Dh's potential income would NEVER support the 3 of us. With or without the support arrangement.
post #28 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW
Dh's potential income would NEVER support the 3 of us. With or without the support arrangement.
I am sorry but not everyone can afford to have a sahp. Men who choose to stay home but have prior kids they are obligated to support must have wives (or someone) who are willing to cover the nut for them. Just like the cc company who won't waive my bills because I stay home-my dh has to cover that too.

Life isn't fair and we don't all get to do what we want. Sorry your life isn't turning out like you wish it would.
post #29 of 31
I can understand both views. D-ex should help to support his children period. And yes I do believe that he could be doing this just to cause conflict with you. But is it really worth the aggravation. Remember you shorten your life when you allow stress to run it.
I would suggest taking a different avenue. Start with writing to your Senator. Find a group that is trying to fight for what you believe in. You may be out of luck with your case, but you might be able to help with someone else's. Help to change the laws in you state.
post #30 of 31
Thread Starter 
I have thought a lot about what you all have said... And while I was doing that I received a wonderful phone call !!! Also he decided to pay a small amount of support! (strange, but I'll take it)

I found out the state is taking him to court for a different reason. Of course this isnt related to my situation, but if they find him to be a liar, it will only help my case!

You were all right! I do need to just sit back, let life takes its course and karma will get him!

So I will wait on court, and just keep sending him the bills he is legally responsible for...
post #31 of 31
Ain't karma grand?
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