Did I handle this badly (talking to a 5 year old about being advanced)...

[zeldamomma]

A while ago, my 5 year old wanted to know why we aren't sending her to kindergarten. Without really thinking about it, I told her that she already knows most of what they teach in kindergarten (which is true) and so we figured there was no reason for her to go.

So now, if people ask her if she's going to kindergarten, that's what she tells them. I have told her she should either say "yes, I'm going to kindergarten" (since we're doing a version of kindergarten appropriate to her at home), or say "I'm a homeschooler" (she loves to say that-- she's very proud). But I'm afraid I've given her the message that she there's something wrong with being "ahead". I just don't want her to brag.

How do you find a balance between encouraging kids to feel good about their strengths without teaching them to be obnoxious?

Since the poor kid is burdened with my genes, she's probably never going to be good at sports (where kids are allowed to be openly praised for excelling), being smart is likely to always be her best thing.

Clearly I need to give her a better explanation for why we're homeschooling. does anyone have a simple explanation for young kids that doesn't bash school?

Thanks!

ZM

[oldcrunchymom]

Well, I told my kids that some people go to learn in a building, while others learn at home. Now that they're older, they of course know all the reasons, including the fact that our school system stinks.

I don't think your daughter was bragging, she was just repeating what you told her. If you come up with some other "reasons" to repeat to her, she'll probably forget about the first one.

[LeftField]

I told my 5 year old the same thing, in the context of "you have to learn what the teacher tells you to, even if you already know it". I made the case that many kids would know that stuff too. It wasn't that he was so smart but that the school curric was really watered down and generic. I told him that the school basically decides what the kids will be taught and if the kid already knows those things or dislikes those things or likes other things, that they still have to do what the school says. So, he has the idea that you can't choose what you want to learn in school, rather than the idea that he's smart. It's a "one size fits all" education and that doesn't really work for anyone. So now, he's lobbying to go to college, because it's interest-based and a person can study virtually whatever they want to.

Honestly, he is very advanced in certain areas, but I don't praise him for that. He doesn't know he's advanced. I don't think he needs to be praised for that. I'm not a big fan of praise. If I praised him for being advanced, something that's out of his control anyway, I worry it would lead to conditional self-esteem, perfectionism, competition and arrogance. I stress that everyone is good at something and everyone is different. When I came home from a road race once, he asked me if I was so happy because I came in first. I told him that while I didn't win the race, I won for me. I worked hard, did my best and performed good in relation to myself, so now he talks a lot about "winning for ourselves". I was a talented runner as a child and I was heavily praised for that. When I was no longer interested in running or when I did not perform well, I felt very guilty and it affected my self-esteem. So I, personally, don't think it's necessarily helpful to praise a child for being advanced in a certain area. I mean, if one of my kids creates something, for example, I'll say, "Wow, look at that! That is so cool!" but I don't convey that they are advanced in the area, if that makes any sense. I don't want them to think that the skill is really important to me, that they are "more than" other kids, or worry that they have to keep performing at that level to wow me.

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

How do you find a balance between encouraging kids to feel good about their strengths without teaching them to be obnoxious?

Since the poor kid is burdened with my genes, she's probably never going to be good at sports (where kids are allowed to be openly praised for excelling), being smart is likely to always be her best thing.

I hope this is making sense. I am soooo distracted this morning. My thoughts are kind of jumbled. I show a positive interest in what my kids do, but I don't think they need to be praised for their strengths. Wrt athletics and many other things, you can't predict what will happen in the long-run. I know someone who is training for the IronWoman competition who was considered the "unathletic" sibling as a young child. In comparison to her sister and age-mates, she was slower and less coordinated. Now, she's the one who is performing at a high athletic level. My own 5 year old is slow and uncoordinated compared to agemates. But he could very well turn out to be a distance runner or something like that. Who knows?

Anyway, that's my humble opinion. If it were me, I would tell my child that lots of other kids already know the K stuff too and that the bigger issue is that the school objectives are static, regardless of whether she already knows something or whether she dislikes it. HTH!

[eilonwy]

I agree with Lisa & LeftField. I think that if you give your daughter something else to say, that's what she'll say.

People have been asking BeanBean if he's going to kindergarten or first grade this year (keep in mind that he's going to be *four* in November, and he's not exactly big for his age). He asked me why he couldn't go to kindergarten this year, and I explained to him that the school wouldn't let him go to kindergarten until he was almost six, but he can homeschool this year and call it kindergarten if he likes. He's happy with that, and tells people that he "goes to homeschool," because he wants to be a kindergartener *now*. Sometimes he will say that he's not allowed to go to school because he's got a late birthday, and that's true as well; the fact that it's two years late doesn't come up.

Is he advanced? It's not really relevant to this conversation, as far as I'm concerned. The fact that he's doing mostly first-grade work isn't relevant, either, and I don't want him to think of his education in terms of grade levels anyway. I've heard kids say, "I can't do that, it's for third graders and I'm only in second grade" even when it's obvious that they could indeed handle the work; I've seen kids unwilling to consider delving into a topic which they really enjoy because they're "supposed" to learn it in a certain grade and it's not the one they're currently in. That just seems sad to me; I'd rather see my kids think in terms of ability and challenge than simply removing something from their radar because it's not on their age-level.

[zeldamomma]

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm a little nervous with school starting, and I seem to be overthinking EVERYTHING!

ZM