How to tell these parents to stay away???

[bullfrog]

I don't even know where to start - this has been going on for 2 yrs and promises to continue.

There is a little girl who was in DD's class for 1st &2nd grades but is now in a separate 3rd grade class. This other little girl - (lets call her "lisa") has been difficult for us to deal with almost from the very first day of school when she made fun of dd's lunch box and pushed her off a bus seat while on a field trip. After that incident I wrote a letter to the teacher and she had follow up meetings with the parents. We never met with the parents - just kept it between the school and the parents and 'lisa' apologized to DD.

So....as the school year progressed I would run into Lisa's parents at drop off and pick up times - and they were very pleasant - and pretty soon DD and Lisa started asking for playdates. So, I allowed this and was very watchful. Lisa would be very pushy at playdates and insist that DD play games the way she wanted - regardless of whose house they were at and regardless of what DD wanted. DD asked to not go on playdates with her anymore. So, I told Lisas parents that I didn't think they were getting along - and that we should stop playdates for the time being.

The year progressed and summer came and went and 1/2 way into 2nd grade Lisa's mom started bringing up playdates again - and I just avoided her as much as possible - didn't return phone calls etc. Lisa's mom started making playdates seem more attractive - offering to take DD with them to their country club to go swimming (which dd loves), out to dinner at local kid friendly restaurants - these types of things. She would offer right in front of the kids - DD would sneek a glance to me saying 'no' - so I would always make something up.

OK - now here's where I have to insert that other parents have commented that Lisa has been difficult for them also - her mom is constantly setting her up for playdates throughout the week. She's (Lisa) had very inappropriate conversations with their children about sex (DD told me that at another playdate "Lisa kissed John on the mouth with her tounge")- she's competetive and pushy. She was talking to me once about "Grease" and how Danny is mad at Sandy because she won't do S-E-X with him. I said "This is not an appropriate conversation and I'm not going to have it with you." She said, "I know, my mom says you are very over protective." and I said, "It's my job to protect my childrens innocence - do you know what innocence means?", also that, "there is plenty of time for those teenage movies when DD is a teen ager- right now you are a child, dd is a child and there are plenty of APPROPRIATE topics to cover." And this child literally rolled her eyes at me.:

So....here we are - we haven't had a playdate for more than a year and she (Lisa's mom) still asks almost every week. Yesterday Lisa's mom said "Lisa wants to come over to see your new puppy - why don't you just take her home with you and I'll pick her up in a couple of hours." Well - I couldn't think of any excuses - and she did this again right in front of the kids. So...Lisa came over yesterday - and it was fine. No inappropriate conversation - or weird conflicts.

BUT - it wasn't playful like with DD's other friends who go out into the yard and build fairy huts and put out fairy meals. Or even romp around with the puppy - or make up new languages - none of that - lisa just wanted to go through all of DD's stuff and say 'I have this or that - or I don't have that. All still very competitive in my book and not at all playful.

I know from other parents also that this child is in counceling - but I know from her parents behavior that there's a lot of dismissing her behavior and she's still at playdates 5 out of 7 days per week and the other 2 she's in classes. Her parents do work - but often the playdates last into the evening after the parents are working. They do both by the way, work from home.

I guess my question is - do I just continue to blow off and avoid this mom? Or should I just have a very frank discussion about not wanting her daughter around my daughter? And if I do have that conversation - what do I say? Keep in mind that we'll be seeing this family around school until at least 6th grade - which is 3 years....help!

[PumpkinSeeds]

Oh dear, this sounds like a very difficult situation. Honestly, though you need to draw the line in the sand precisely because there are three more years to go.

If she asking for playdates in front of the kids you shouldn't let that make you feel like you have to say yes. That's a bit manipulative in my mind.

Just say, "sorry, today is not a good day." And that's all, you don't need to give anybody more reason than that.


Practice with me. Smile Big and say, "Sorry, today is not a good day!" and walk away.

It's ok if the other girl is disappointed. It's ok if the other mom is disappointed. You can't be everything to everybody all of the time.

[boongirl]

I think you just say that you are sorry but playdates with Lisa are still not working for your child and you would appreciate her not bringing it up again. Your child does not want to play with Lisa. It is time to be honest with the woman.

[bullfrog]

Yeah -I'm just going to have to draw the line. Such a drag when you realize that people who seem very nice are really just have values that don't match up to yours.

I know this little girl is trying to 'get better' - but I'm just not too hopeful because of the parents lax attitude.

I know that the mom is being manipulative by bringing up playdates in front of the kids - which is another reason for my limited hope for her.

She's so constantly present -and constantly asking that I suppose this is actually more of a rant. Because it's pretty obvious that I just need to be more honest with her.

I would not keep asking and calling someone if they always said no and never returned my phone calls. I suppose I'm just irritated that my very strong "hint" isn't being taken.

[menudo]

Sounds to me as if Lisa's Mom just wants her out of her hair as much as possible w/o having to pay for a sitter. She probably does not care about your hint, you gave in once so you may give in again. (I have been there!)

While there is obviously a lack of respect, I am not clear on the girls comments being too age innapropraite. The rolling of eyes-yes wrong. We are open (age appropriate convos) in my house and after my 16yo cousin told my 9yo DD she was pregnant, it got more open. I also learned DD had saw stuff on tv I did not realise she saw. She told me (it was a Maury about being caught on tape-oops.) alot. But I do have to remind her that not everyone is as open as we are and these are not topics for outside of the home. Yet on rare occasions, she brings up something she should not. Nothing bad but beyond most peoples comfort levels. Point is, I would not judge the child on those comments, but I may assume her parents have not taught her the appropraite instances for those discussions...kwim?

And good luck, there may be no easy way out of it. No doubt the Mom may try hard to make you feel bad or sound bad to others. Or even ignore your honesty!

[lisalou]

I have to admit I think 3rd grade is plenty old enough for my child to choose her friends and not have to have playdates with people she doesn't get along with. And I know I'd probably be too blunt in this but it's probably exactly what I would tell Lisa's mom in a phone conversation or in person if the girls weren't around. I wouldn't point out her daughter's faults, I'd just say your dd has requested to not have to have anymore playdates with her. We're all individuals and we don't all have to be best friends. No reason to analyze Lisa for her mother in explaining things.

[LiamnEmma]

I don't think I'd be confrontational about it with the parent. For example, it may not be my style to, say, allow my children to play with guns, but I acknowledge another parent's right to allow it. The analogy is that, for example, my 5 and 7 year old are very much aware of the facts of life--menstruation, conception, birth, lactation--you name it. So, while I've pointed out to them that many of their peers will not have the same information and it's not particularly appropriate for mine to teach their friends, I cannot stop them from talking when I'm not around--and I don't think people should be ashamed of it either. So, again, while I think Grease is not appropriate for a young child, eh, I can think of worse, you know? Anyway, point being, they're young, you have little control over what happens on the playground in terms of friends of choice, and you may have nine more years of same school same playmate. So it might behoove you to just breezily always be busy or not have a good day for a playdate rather than start a way inadvertently. Better or worse, there are politics involved, you know? Yuck though. My ds has a friend I really wish he'd get over and not play with EVER again. blech. Clearly that child's family and our family have very different parenting styles and supervision levels (and also why my children learned the facts of life so young--ds was getting inappropriate misinformation from his little friend)...I feel kind of badly for the little girl. She sounds lost and low on the esteem, and I don't think it's your or your dd's responsibility to see her through, but I'd try to look at her through eyes of compassion (at least, that's what I try to do with our little friend even though every year I privately ask to have them placed separately). Simultaneously I'd arm your dd with easy breezy comments as well to combat the other girl. Maybe role play positive ways to tell the little girl no when she tries to control all the playing at school or whatever.

ugh, it's all so difficult isn't it?

[sleepies]

:


same problem here.

no nerve.

enjoying reading.

[bullfrog]

I agree that the topic of Sandy and Danny isn't inherently inappropriate. I guess what bugged me out was that I felt like she was baiting me - I didn't get up and cover DD's ears or anything.

DD does know the facts of life - she has a general idea of what sex is so it's not really that that I am trying to keep from her. It's the very sneeky nature of how this child is when she's around DD.

I think it's more to the point to see that they really just don't get along - yes this other little girl may have some problems - but I guess that's just not the point.

Grrrr...it really is more politics than it is about dd - she has other great friends -great boundries and is really pleasant to be around.

[LiamnEmma]

I agree that the topic of Sandy and Danny isn't inherently inappropriate. I guess what bugged me out was that I felt like she was baiting me - I didn't get up and cover DD's ears or anything.

I hate baiting. It's sooo grrrr-nnoying. I have a neighbor who purposely baits me. But he's an adult so I can say obscene things and feel better.

And I agree, her issues are not/should not be your family's problem.

[lauren]

It seems to me that what is bugging you is not so much the content of the child's and the mother's words, but the intrusive and manipulative style they have. My child has had a similar dilemma at times, and she would sometimes act more that way after returning from a playdate with a certain individual. I have found that in a small community, it is often much more awkward if you are too up front with people: people are not used to honest communication. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but that you must be prepared to deal with the fallout if things turn out badly. In my situation I have taken the approach that others have recommended, to just say 'we have other plans.' I have had to coach my daughter to not challenge this in front of the other family. It is a very hard situation!!

[rabrog]

Time to be up front and tell "Lisa's" mom that you don't want your daughter around her. Period. If you're nice about it, there's no reason for her to get nasty (unless she knows her daughter is inappropriate and materialistic). Who cares about seeing them for 3 more years at school - that's just a "hi/bye" thing.

Jenn

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by boongirl

I think you just say that you are sorry but playdates with Lisa are still not working for your child and you would appreciate her not bringing it up again. Your child does not want to play with Lisa. It is time to be honest with the woman.

ITA. I've also had parents that I didn't like and so my kids didn't go around those families without me or I just didn't talk to them again. They would eventually get the hint. Just because they go to school together (or even in the same class) does not mean they have to hang out or be friends.

[mata]

I totally understand-it's very hard to avoid these parents and kids! I think if it were me I'd wait until the time felt right and just say I didn't think they got along that well and didn't want to force anything. It's just one of those things-not all kids get along together. I have no doubt the mother persists because the girl has problems keeping friends. I hope it works out for you and your daughter, whatever you decide!

[BusyMommy]

Originally Posted by lauren

I have found that in a small community, it is often much more awkward if you are too up front with people: people are not used to honest communication. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but that you must be prepared to deal with the fallout if things turn out badly. In my situation I have taken the approach that others have recommended, to just say 'we have other plans.' I have had to coach my daughter to not challenge this in front of the other family. It is a very hard situation!!

:

It seems that this mom realizes her daughter has issues and is desperate for her to be accepted and have friends. You're desirable and haven't been rude so she's pushing the issue w/your family. Such a tough situation. And, remember, the fallout will also be in the classroom as well as the neighborhood. Best of luck to you.

[Benji'sMom]

I'd have the frank conversation with the mom because the mom is so desperate for her daughter to have someone to play with she will keep pushing unless you say it outright. And after all, it's not just you who is uncomfortable with Lisa, but your own daughter doesn't want to be around her, so I think you need to put an end to Lisa's mom's "hope" that they can be friends. (Easier said than done, I know.)

[raksmama]

I think it IS important to be up front. That does not mean you have to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings. You daughter does not want to play with this little girl period. The mother should know. This does have to mean the girl is bad or you are rejecting her, just that your daughter's and her daughter's personalities clash and they don't play well together. Just tell her the mother that in your own words. It sounds like the mother only wants the best for her daughter. I agree the sex conversation was inappropriate for their ages however.