12 year old constantly interrupting

[dharmamama]

What can I do with my 12 year old who constantly interrupts me? She interrupts me when I am on the phone, when I am talking to other people, when I am reading to her brother and sister ... just about any time she can interrupt, she does. She has been with us for a little over three months and I have been talking to her about not interrupting literally since she got here. She keeps doing it and then gets mad at me when I tell her to wait her turn. I am just about to institute a consequence for interrupting, such as having to do an extra chore. I know that not everyone agrees with that approach, but I am being driven slowly crazy by her interrupting.

Namaste!

[Houdini]

I am with you on the consequence.

One of my crew interrupt me after being told not to...they are sent to their room for the remainder of whatever I am doing.

[kimiij]

Be consistent with her. Keep reminding her every time she does it. Also, don't let her interrupt you. That is, finish what you are doing until you address her. If she is doing it someone else, remind her. Its the same as you would do to a child that you've raised since birth- you have to keep reminding them and be consistent about it. Its not usually til they are 11/12 that they get it anyway! She'll come around eventually.

[Mama Dragon]

My Ds1 was taught at his developmental therapy to gently touch someone's arm or shoulder when they needed to say something when someone is busy. This only works if the other people respond with a finger sign (you know, index finger up, signalling, 'just a minute') or a verbal 'just a minute'.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by Synthea™

gently touch someone's arm or shoulder when they needed to say something when someone is busy.

Yes, that would be much nicer than "Mom ... Mom ... Mom ... Mom? Mom? MOM? MOM?? MOM??? MOMMA!" or completely bypassing the attention-getting "Mom!" and just starting to talk. At least she doesn't come up to me and shove what she wants to show me an inch from my nose and wave it back and forth like my four year old does.

Thanks everyone.

Namaste!

[Hayes]

In our house, granted my oldest is only 7, if you interupt to ask for something, the answer is automatically no. Help her work on a signal for you, hand on shoulder, gentle tap, crossing eyes, whatever to let YOU know she wants your attention. Conversly, have a signal for you so that she knows you heard her and will respond, holding up one finger, signing her name, something. This way she knows she has been ehard and MAYBe will wait 4 seconds before interrupting again.

[fek&fuzz]

If she has only been there 3 months, she is probably still trying to figure out her place, and may be insecure. I don't think a negative consequence is the way to go here. You can explain that you will get to her in a minute, if you are reading to the little ones invite her to join you and then you'll help her when you're done. Spend lots and lots and lots of one on one time with her, be sure to give her your complete attention when you are doing something. Make sure she knows she is safe and not going anywhere.

I was reading somewhere on the breastfeeding boards about a mom being frustrated when her toddler wanted to nurse all the time. She decided to have a "yes" day, where she said yes to every single request. She said once the toddler realized the nursing was available every single time she asked, she stopped asking so much because she was sure.

Your daughter is doing sort of the same thing, asking for your attention all the time. Maybe practice a day or so of just being there every single time she asks, and letting her know you will always be there for her. Answer her at the first "mom" so she doesn't have to get to the 17th. Please don't give her extra chores to do as a punishment or consequence for being insecure.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Please don't give her extra chores to do as a punishment or consequence for being insecure.

I understand what you are saying, and I probably agree with you, but I have really been working on attachment with her and I feel like I am giving her everything I can without shortchanging my other kids, and frankly I am exhausted at this point. I spoke with an attachment therapist and described some of the things that Desta is doing and she told me that they are very much four-year-old behaviors and that she will act that way until she feels secure. That makes complete sense to me, but that AT also told me that it's ok to teach her to abide by the rules in our house, one of which is not interrupting. I do invite her to join us when I am reading. I do signal that I am on the phone but pat the couch so she can sit next to me. If she interrupts when I am talking to one of her siblings or a friend, I put my arm around her so she can be physically close to me while I finish my sentence or my transaction with the cashier or whatever. I am doing my very best to make sure she knows that I have heard her and that she matters to me and that she will get my attention. But it's not helping. If I invite her to sit with me as I read, she will start trying to show me her bug bites (regardless of what her original reaosn for interrupting is). If I show her I am on the phone and have her sit next to me, she starts asking me who I am talking to and what the other person is saying. If I am trying to finish a transaction with someone at a store she starts trying to ask how much I am spending and if she can sign the credit receipt. It's never-ending, which is why I consulted the attachment therapist. The idea of a yes-day sounds good, but I'm not sure how I could pull it off with my younger kids, who are just now learning not to interrupt.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

Namaste!

Ps. Ramona wants to add a smiley:

[dharmamama]

I just wanted to follow up with a two-months-later update. Desta continued to interrupt constantly. It was really souring her relationship with everyone in the family because everyone was constantly annoyed with never being able to get a full sentence out of their mouths. The younger two kids were enraged that Desta was continually trying to pull attention away from them and on to herself. I spoke with the attachment therapist again and explained all the strategies that I had been trying use to gently teach/persuade Desta not to interrupt and that things had not improved even slightly. At the AT's request, I even kept a log for five days of how often she interrupted. It was 40-50 times a day!

I spoke with the AT AGAIN and she said that, because Desta knew what the rule was and was making no effort whatsoever to follow it, dh and I should institute a consequence for interrupting. She said that Desta was used to very concrete discipline in Ethiopia and that perhaps she needed a concrete incentive to follow our rules.

Dh decided that Desta would go to bed 15 minutes early for every time she interrupted. (I wanted to have it be an extra chore, but dh didn't like that idea for some reason.) On a Sunday night he explained to Desta that every time she interrupted, she would go to bed 15 minutes early. He showed her where we would keep a tally for the day. On Monday she interrupted ... twice. She went from interrupting 40-50 times to twice. Tuesday she interrupted three times. Thursday it was twice. Friday it was not at all.

We no longer send her to bed early when she interrupts because interrupting is not a problem anymore. Occasionally she will be lost in her own thoughts and just start talking over us, but it is because she just wasn't paying attention and not because she is trying to get the attention on her. Her relationship with her brother and sister is much better, and her relationship with us is much better. I really think that this was the turning point in our relationship. This was when Desta stopped acting like a guest and started acting like a daughter. I think that she now views dh and I as parents and not as these great rich white folks who swooped down, plucked her from the orphanage, and dropped her in a land of swimming lessons and pink Disney bed canopies. Dh and I now feel more confident in disciplining Desta without fearing that she is going to break.

I'm not posting this to advocate punishment. I'm just posting so people have a follow-up and because it's still an interesting journey for me to learn about parenting a child whose parent/child relationship paradigm is SO vastly different than the one I am used to.

Namaste!

[fek&fuzz]

wow. very cool that it worked, and seemed to really make a big difference in your relationship. And sending someone to bed early does seem less punitive than doing an extra chore.

I'm glad things are working out!

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

And sending someone to bed early does seem less punitive than doing an extra chore.

That's interesting that you say that, because I really felt the opposite way. I felt like sending her to bed early was kinda harsh, but I deferred to my husband because he is not often strongly opinionated on anything but he felt pretty strongly that adding an extra chore was not the way to go.

Namaste!