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if you are done having babies...

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
wasn't really sure where to post this...

This is it for us, we had always planned on two kids and that's it. DH is totally into having a vasectomy as soon as possible. I don't really have a desire for any more kids, but if he was into it, I probably would be ok with a third...I guess you could say I'd definitely be more open to it than he would be, though it's not something I really, really want or am devastated not to have.

However, I'm just having a hard time closing the door on this chapter of my life. I had such wonderful easy healthy pregnancies, and amazing births (especially the most recent one) that it's hard to think about it all being over. I am incredibly excited about the next stages of motherhood, but it's tough to realize I will never feel baby kicks in my belly or experience childbirth or those first exhilerating moments with a newborn ever again.

Do you feel like this? I'm sure part of it is hormones, but I was already feeling nostalgic while I was still pregnant, and when I first gave birth to Abby all I could think of was how great it would be to be pregnant and do it all again. I guess I just wish there was a way to make peace entirely with this part of my life coming to an end.
post #2 of 32
post #3 of 32
We are done having babies because my last 2 pregnancies have been very difficult and ended in premature births and NICU stays (after 3 amazing, wonderful, easy pregnancies). I'm still having a really difficult time coming to terms with the fact that I will never be pregnant again.
post #4 of 32
i totally understand, even though i think i feel like 3 is enough, i cant help thinking - well maybe 1 more.....
post #5 of 32
to you, mama. That is hard.

I figured that my dd -- the first and only -- would also be the last, but I haven't done anything permanent.
post #6 of 32
It's tough. For many reasons (quite a few of them financial) we're done having babies as well. I think I'll always feel like someone is missing from our family - we'd always planned to have one more. But numerous miscarriages meant that the person we'd planned just didn't come to us. Neither of us is at peace with the decision, but we're getting used to it. We'll accept it sometime before we're 80, I think

For health reasons I got a mirena IUD - the failure rate is lower than a vasectomy and it lasts for 5 years. If something drastic changes with our finances it gives us a way to change our mind which isn't as invasive as a vasectomy reversal.
post #7 of 32
I felt like that right after my second was born, but recently I've realized just how absolutely happy I am to be done. And feeling so confident about my decision when I'm normally so indecisive is part of the happiness. I thought I might feel regrets, but I don't. Hugs to you as you try and figure out this part of your life.
post #8 of 32
I knew with my third that we were done. I was/am getting to old to test the waters again. I do have to say that now that dd2 is almost 2 I think how nice it would have been to have a young sibling for her to play with. THe other two always had eachother.
post #9 of 32
Congratulations on your new babe mama!!

I know what you mean and we have decided never to get pregnant . We are adoption fanatics . And we know we want at least one more, and we would like to have 4 but may not be able to afford to raise 4 kids.

Anyway, the thought of not getting that magical call ("are you sitting down? we have a baby for you!") The looooong flight, the jet-lag fogged, heart-pounding walk down the orphanage hallway. The walk up the stairs, around the corner, stop at the doorway, a room full of babies playing on a soft clean rug. Caretakers chatting as they feed, or change or play with the babes. Scanning the room trying to pick out the face you thought you'd memorized from the pics and video. Is that her in the swing? Could that be him playing with the rattle? Someone says something to the caretakers in Kazakh, they smile, walk over to one of the babes, scoop them up and hand you your heart. It literally feels like someone is handing you your heart.

We are totally addicted.: It is a completely amazing experience not disimilar to birth (I have attended 7 births) in that a family is born.

Anyway, hormones or not, the experience of a child coming into your life is profound and lifealtering and of course you would be sad to have that end. That's why memories are so precious. The fact that you love making babies and giving birth is a wonderful thing.
post #10 of 32
It's highly unlikely that I will have another child (I'm single, older and have no money).
I find it VERY sad that I won't feel the movements of a baby inside me again. I find it very sad that I'll never have those precious feelings of holding another newborn (of my own). (etc etc).
I also feel badly about not giving ds a sibling.

I think that, if I could, I would have one more. But I don't see it happening.
post #11 of 32
We're in a similar place. We always talked about having 2-4 children. Now that we have 2, dh is done. I'm pretty sure I'm done, but he agreed to wait on a vasectomy until ds is 6-12 months old and I've got that hormonal baby lust going on. If my mind and heart are still ok with being done even while my hormones are dancing, then I'll know this is right for us.

It's given me a lot more empathy for all the older women in our families who are always trying to hold my babies. Knowing this is it is making me *really* treasure ds's infancy, and when he's older, I know I'm going to meet his new cousins with some wistful longing for what was.
post #12 of 32
Whenever someone is not absolutely 110% sure they are ready to be DONE with having kids, I always give the advise that it's easier to prevent then it is to undo.
Ofcourse, maybe I should look into that advise
My SIL has went through 2 years of depression because at the age of 26 with 3 kids she decided she was done. Financially, they are strapped. But she would happily take being just a bit more financially/time strapped to have a baby of her own in her arms again..From what everyone has told me,
I think you'll KNOW when you're done, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. My SIL said she had some doubts as she entered the room, but she went through it anyways. Sad. I would wait just a little while longer before making a permanent solution.

Just my advise....
post #13 of 32
I'm starting to feel very "done". This pregnancy, while easier than the others, has made me feel like having more just isn't do-able. The few weeks I was sprawled on the couch with extreme nausea and the two screaming crazy kids destroying the house about did me in. I'm only 12 weeks along and I am exploring birth control options for later. Dh will not get a vas, and frankly I don't want him to. Anything hormonal is out of the question, as is FAM at this point. So I'm left with a copper IUD.

I'm sure I will have that babylust again. But I feel very fulfilled, and like our family will be complete with this new babe.
post #14 of 32
My husband had a vasectomy in January and the first couple of months I was really sad, but now I'm okay. It's tough at first but if you really are truly done, I think you'll find some peace in your decision.
post #15 of 32
We have 4 kids and we are done. But I feel at peace with the decision.

We always wanted 4 kids and now that we reached that number, our family feels complete. Maybe you don't feel at peace with the decision because you actually do want 3 kids, and with 2 kids, it feels like someone is missing from the family portrait.

Maybe the fact that your dh is getting vasectomised is making the thing a little too final. Having a V eliminates all the :"well 2 is enough for now, but if we ever change our mind....." . My dh is NOT getting a vasectomy since I don't believe in something so final.
post #16 of 32
Sounds like you are not done...thinking about it at least. I totally know how you feel! I feel the same way. I had set on two, and as soon as ds2 was born I wanted to go through it all again. And I still do, and he's one. I'm trying to decide now and give myself a year to think about it. Have no idea what your thoughts/experiences are with birth control, but why not try an IUD as a pp mentioned? It's a very high success rate, very easy to forget about, much lower hormones. You can always get it taken out should you change your mind, or wait the 5 -10 years (whichever one you choose) and then get the sterilization done. The thought of IUD icked me out, but I got used to it, and it's worked for us. I'm glad I didn't make a final decision either way so soon in the postpartum process.
post #17 of 32
it sounds to me (honestly) that you are not ready.
please make sure you are 100% sure before doing anything permanent.

that said:

I am glad I had my tubal done. They did it RIGHT after the birth (much easier for the doctor as the tubes are closer to the surface and only ONE cut is needed instead of two). My scar is only 1/2 " inside my belly button.

I do understand. My pregnancies were very normal and healthy and I have had three perfect boys. Each time my births were easier and better.

I don't regret having it done at all...but please be SURE you are finished before either of you do something like surgery.
post #18 of 32
I was truly feeling the same way a few months ago. I don't know if it was because my dd had another birthday or because I was on a birth "high" from catching a baby. I love being pregnant and birthing, but I'm also getting older and $ are a factor as well. But I'm not 100% sure to close that chapter in my life yet. And I don't know if I will ever feel truly "done" with having babies. It is something that I yearned for all my life. So I too have the Mirena IUD. It has worked well for us and if, in the future something changes, the door is open.

Congrats on your new precious little soul too!!! Please know that you are not alone in these feelings whatsoever.

Much Love~

post #19 of 32
Congratulations on your new baby, and I'm yet another voice urging you not to do anything irreversible unless you are 110% sure.

I thought I was 110% sure six years ago, not because I only wanted two children but because of money and age. I began a relationship with a man who couldn't have kids. Over a year after the relationship ended for other reasons, I realized that I WASN'T done and that I very much DO want to have another baby.

Circumstances being what they are, I don't know that I will ever be able to satisfy that longing but sometimes it's enough just to know that there is a chance that I can. I'll never forget the sense of joy and hope and possibilities I felt during the 2ww with my donor insemination, even though I did not actually conceive a baby. It makes me happy to know that I may have another opportunity to try., If I had my tubes tied or if I had a DH who had been snipped, I'm sure that I would be very sad right now and finding it even harder than it already is to let my teenagers grow wings and fly away.
post #20 of 32
I know I'll have a hard time with this. I don't have a set number in my head, so I'll be the one that keeps saying "Just one more, PLEASE!!!"
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