HELP - 13yo desperately unhappy in school

[momma earthical]

I need help, guidance, advice, reassurance - something!

My 13yo is desperately lonely and unhappy in school. Today was his first day back and we've just spent the past 3 hours with him crying, shaking and begging not to have to go back there. He wants to be homeschooled.

Okay so maybe some background is necessary. Ds1 was an only child for 10 years but now has two younger sibs. We just moved to the States about 2 years ago. Ds1 goes to a small private K-8 school. He is now in 8th grade. The school/teachers are fantastic but because of the really small class sizes Ds1 has found it really hard to make friends, most of the kids have been together since Kindergarten. Ds1 is desperately homesick and missing his old friends. Ds1 relates really well to adults but has a harder time fitting in with his peer group, probably because they are less forgiving of a lack of polished social skills.

Last year was very difficult, Ds1 experienced some bullying, which was dealt with very quickly but the effects linger. He became depressed, and at one point suicidal. He now visits a wonderful psychologist regularly and as a result he is talking to us and opening up rather than bottling it all away inside. Anyway he decided at the end of last term that he wanted to change schools this year so we visited a few other schools, and he spent some time shadowing only to realise that his school wasn't so bad after all! Many discussions with teachers/psychologist/Ds1 later we finally in mid August settled on his returning to his old school, so yesterday we shopped, and last night he excitedly organized his bag, lunch etc. Got himself out the door early for the bus, it all looked good.

Not anymore. Today he felt like an outsider, lonely, isolated, and sad. After the awful experiences we all suffered last year I am not sure I can make him go back there. However I'm also not sure that I'm up to the challenge of homeschooling him either! We live in a tiny apartment, less than 400 sq ft. Our relationship is not always so open or communicative. I often find the teen/toddler/teething baby dynamic a difficult one, and to be honest I breathed a huge sigh of relief this morning as he trotted off for the school bus. Summer was long!

So what next? We more or less ruled out most of the other options earlier in the summer (if they even had room now). I desperately want to do what's right for my ds1 but I've got to factor in the needs of the rest of the family too. I have so many fears around homeschooling him - even more social isolation from his peer group, lack of motivation to accomplish any work, legal requirements/paperwork, ending up as a taxi (when I get my drivers licence) and trailing the two little ones around to try to meet ds1's needs.

It does help to express it all here, I'm going to post this and go to bed! Things will look better after a good nights sleep right?

[wryknowlicious]

i was bullied in school from 3rd thru 8th grade.

even after the acctual reportable instances stop - there is still the mental/emotional bullying. you don't belong, your not accepted. the sideways looks like they are speaking about you, noone talks with you unless they are using you or trying to get youy to say something they can twist and use against you. Constantly being judged by what you wear, how you look, how well you do in class - too well? you're some square goody 2 shoes teachers pet. Not well enough? you're a stupid *special* case.
You are an issolaterd island. all alone in a sea of watching disapproving eyes. Every day is a battle that you have to prepare yourself for mentaly. Build a wall, don;t let them get to you. It;s draining. and painful.

And at that age - it;s worse than being hit or pushed or wedgied. I know.
HOw i wish wish wish my mom had listened to my constant cries and plees.

My brother and sister were being homeschooled already.
You know what I did?
I stopped doing my homework.
Home work as 50% of the grade. stop doping homework and you fail. Fail 1 class and you are ordered to attend summerschool. Miss 2 days of summer school and you are dropped and forced to return to 8th grade.
Yep. At 14 I took extreme measures - but it worked.

My mom knew there was no way I had actually failed Algebra2. And she wouldn;t let me be held back for it. So she took me out of school and homeschooled me. She was in a wheelchair, in horrible physical health, sleeping all the time and had to have a home health nurse come in just to wash her hair. But she did it. She found the strength.
I finished High School in 2.5 years. It was great - at home. I blossomed. I became instantly happier.


I really don't have any advice for you.
But I can soooo relate with your son that I thought you may want to hear my experiance.

Good Luck.

[sweetfiend]

I homeschool both my kids (13 and 16), so that is my bias.

Couple of things that I noticed:

Your son had friends before the move, so appartently he is capable of good peer interaction.

That said, peer interaction (especially at this age) is highly over-rated, in my opinion. Every teen I know who is in school has just completely gone off the deep end thanks to their lovely peer interactions.

Your relationship with your son will strengthen and deepen if he is home with you because 1) he will not be unhappy and 2) you will come to know each other in different roles.

There is nothing useful that happens in high school. Nothing.

Have you researched the homeschooling laws in Minnesota? I am off to check them for you.

[sweetfiend]

Here you go! Sounds very easy to homeschool in your state.

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/laws/blMN.htm

[sophmama]

Can you ask your son to paint a picture for you of how homeschool would work with your current circumstances? I think if he got on board doing planning and figuring out how to make it work, it might energize him and make him feel like, due to the other limits on your family, his education is partly his responsibility.

[sophmama]

Originally Posted by sweetfiend

There is nothing useful that happens in high school. Nothing.

:

[Roar]

I would suggest no matter what you decide that you involve a third party at this point. If it is going to be sticking with school I'm wondering if there is a counselor that both of you could meet with now to make a plan for how this can work for him. I think he needs an involved, invested adult in the building that he trusts and will be willing to go to for help. Could his psychologist help identify a person in the building to help? Could you make a plan to involve him in some activity that might foster friendships?

If you decide to homeschool, I would suggest making a learning contract at the beginning of the year detailing both of your responsibilities. If you worry about retreat then there needs to be a firm commitment from both parties to get to a certain number of activities or social opportunities per week. This is something that you could work out maybe with help from his psychologist.

[Debstmomy]

Is there an alternative plan available from the school? Perhaps a home study program, where he checks in once a week?
I think that homeschooling is a great & wonderful idea, but it does not work for everyone. I know for me, it would be a challenge I am not sure I could fullfill. Having been in your sons situation for most of my schooling, I know how he feels. I remember the crying & the shaking that happened. Can he change schools? A different public school? A private school?
Talk to his thearpist. Talk to the counselor @ school. Middle school should have extra corricullar activities, is there anything that might interest him? Good luck, this is a HUGE challenge.

[Dar]

I would at least look into the homeschooling groups in your area. It sounds like you're concerned about your son being home with you all the time, but it's possible - likely, even - that he would find many things to do outside the home. A lot of the homeschooled teens I know volunteer, for example. My 13year old is taking 16 hours of a dance a week at the local arts center (they have a flat rate for over 7 hours a week, so it's not too expensive) and three of her classes are during the day, with adults. At 13 he could probably use public transportation or bike or walk to things, too, at least sometimes. He might also find classes and social stuff to do through your local homeschool groups, too.

This looks cool:

YEAH - Youth Educated At Home
A social organization for home-educated junior and senior high students. They also sponsor supplemental academic classes and a prom. Do not have to be a member to participate in most things. Membership $15 a year per family. Business sized SASE for updated member and event information.
Cher Baumhoefner
5532 Saint Stephens Street
St Paul, MN 55112
612-785-2370

I found it on Jon's Homeschool Page.

Dar

[maggylibby]

Are you sure you are out of options at his current school? I know with both of my dd's a teacher/class change took care of the problem. I was ready to pull both of them out at one point. I feel your pain mama! I would love to have my girls home, but the arguing between them keeps me from doing it for now. There is a 4 year gap between them and recently they are having trouble finding common ground. Also homeschooling may not seem so overwhelming if you think of it as just a 1 year commitment, then you can both reevaluated where you are at with it at that point. Oak Meadow has a cool online school which might take some of the pressure off of you. They have the option of teacher support and enrollment which means that they have to complete and turn in their work to a 3rd party. Check it out it might be a good compromise. Good luck! I'm sure no matter what you choose it will be okay as you are a concerned loving mama!

[irinam]

Just wanted to throw this article in the discussion No, thank you, we don't believe in socializing

The begging and tears of my child would break my heart. My child being depressed and at some point suicidal would make me foresake any other concerns I might have. No education is worth a broken spirit. He can do it. You can do it.

Also, don't underestimate abilities of a 13 yo. Is he computer literate? He can practically homeschool himself with guidance from you.

Brainstorm this possibility seriously with him. Voice your concerns. Let him know you expect him to take a leading role in homeschooling. Make a sample spreadsheet with goals, timelines and means of achieving those goals. You don't have to be a lector. Just an "encourager" and facilitator

And... 400sq feet is bigger than the school desk where he would spend most of his time

[Goddess3_2005]

I would absolutely homeschool. I was emotionally scared from my experiences in high school, I begged my parents to homeschool me and they refused. There are always activities you can get him involved in to help him make friends.

[momma earthical]

Thankyou all!

Thankyou mamas. I feel so encouraged and supported! Get this though. This morning I kept ds1 home and called the school who strongly encouraged me to have him go in today. I figured I would at least let him sleep until he woke up naturally - after the emotional release sleep is healing. Around midday I spoke to his psychologist who came over took ds1 out to lunch! and then dropped him off at school. Later this afternoon I get a phonecall from ds1 at school to say he is staying for soccer practice AND he needs to have shinguards and cleats in order to be allowed to play soccer. So I quietly say "well if you're not staying at school why would we buy this stuff" his answer was "oh today was much better - I think I'll stay"

Well actually by now that was yesterday! this morning he went off to school no problem. i hope it continues to be ok for him. i've also gotten a great lead for other youth activities for him from a LLL friend.

Cead Mille Thankyou's.

[MissRubyandKen]

Your state also has the option of using a public charter cyber school. Your ds is old enough to do most of his work without guidance if staying home is so important to him. You would have very little actual work, besides looking over finished papers, entering assessment scores, and logging in attendance hours. If he can read he can do the rest himself . The books, workbooks, manipulatives, computer, printer, art materials, and other things are provided to you free. It is the public school education your child is entitled to by law in the comfort of his home. Here is a thread with cyber school homeschooling mommas-

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=514133

Come ask questions if you are interested. Here is the website to a school that uses the K12 curriculum in your state-

http://mnva.k12.mn.us/se3bin/clients...name=school189

My dd attends a school that uses the K12 curriculum and we love it. It looks like for 8th grade they offer part time enrollment in your state. Not sure what that is, you may want to look into it.

Here is the link to another virtual academy in you state-

http://www.connectionsacademy.com/state/home.asp?sid=mn

It loooks like they accept K-10 full time. I would bet there are others to choose from too, so if you are interested poke around the web a bit.

[Itlbokay]

Just went over this thread, so glad to hear today was more positive for your son.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Good Luck!

[Roar]

What a difference a day makes. Hope this is the first of many good days to come.

[annelizly]

here is what I would do

Now that your son seems to be making a few tentative friends I would have him invite as many as possible over to your place and if I were you I would spare no expense to make it the neatest, coolest sleepover ever!!!

It could really break the ice for him and open alot of doors!

[momma earthical]

Thankyou for all the great ideas and links. I will be following up on them. Today was a little challenging for him, but I think it was partly because he's getting a cold or something. My instinct is telling me though that I probably will have to act on this in the not too distant future! Although he is saying it's okay, my mama radar isn't happy!

[mor]

I'm joining the thread late. I've never posted here before, but I thought you might be interested in the perspective of one more mom.

My daughter was very shy, and was pointedly bullied in grade 3; she got on fine with kids older than her peers, but didn't like the cliquishness in her class. Her teacher decided this meant that she was socially inept! It also became apparent that the teacher was something of a bully herself. We did not have much money, but saw no alternative but to take her out of the public system and put her in a very small private school that focused on social skills; the kids were all very friendly and kind -- they knew that they were respected and gave respect back. It was not all great, but the staff were very aware of problems and had been well trained to deal with them.

But one thing that I took away from that school (it closed and we moved on) is to stand back and let my daughter forge her own way to a greater extent. She knew that she could count on the adults at that school to keep her safe -- they earned her trust, but they kept an eye on things without jumping in to immediately sort out the problems. They let the kids practice sorting out their own difficulties -- they even cheered for my daughter when she spoke up to another girl who had been pushing her around for weeks. She still speaks of that day with delight, because it was the first time that she got brave enough to take matters into her own hands.

It sounds like your son feels very shy and awkward, and that is horrible, painful, for parents and child. But if that is the case, you do have to take a back seat to some extent. He has to feel, through the actions and attitudes that you model, that he is safe so that he feels supported in venturing out at his own pace from his comfort zone, but he also has to feel like you have faith in his ability to take care of himself; if you don't act like he can look out for himself, he is going to find it hard to muster any self confidence.

I offer this advice with a great deal of hesitation, and I am writing with a full awareness that sometimes an outsider is really not in a position to understand what is going on with someone else's child. We were branded as over-protective, and maybe we were, but our daughter is now quite capable of standing on her own feet; she needed to know, first of all, that we would keep her from harm and make sure that she was in a safe environment, something that she did not in fact know as long as we sent her to a place that did not feel safe; and secondly, once she felt that she really was safe, we had to step back and let her struggle for a while to find her own feet. It was hard and it took a long time, but several years along I can say that she is now a happy, mouthy, independent kid.

Good luck to you.

[Storm Bride]

I don't have any advice, as every child is different. But, I had to post, as my situation is an odd parallel.

DS1 is 13, and just started high school. My other two are 3 years old and 13 months old. I'll be homeschooling them.

DS1 has always had tons of friends. He's popular, sociable and easy to get along with. I desperately wish he was agreeable to being homeschooled, because his peer relationships are freaking me out! I'd like to physically drag him out of the classroom and keep him away from his "friends". But, he doesn't want to leave.

Anyway...this is a totally useless post, but I think it's interesting that we have such a similar family structure, but such a different situation!