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Urgent: tell me what to do - Page 2

post #21 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathirynne
I find all the comments (by step mothers, especially) regarding how expensive child support and visitation, et cetera are to be very interesting for a couple of reasons.

1. Did the step-mums not realize that their DPs had children for whom they were (and will continue to be until the age of maturity) responsible for?

2. The father is 50% responsible for the creation of the children, shouldn't he be 50% responsible for supporting them?

3. The parent who retains custody of the children is on call 24/7/365. Is it really too much to ask that the non-custodial parent cough up a reasonable amount of child support?
)In my case the cost of visitation and the cost of child support went up considerably after we were wed so I would say I was not informed. Should I have known? well honestly I think most mothers (step or otherwise) discover once they are mothers (step or otherwise) a lot of things that perhaps they SHOULD have known before.

2) I disagree that either parent is 50% responsible for supporting. In fact that is not how child support is calculated. CS is most often calculated by taking mom's gross salary and dad's gross salary and using that to decide what the child's "income" is and then backing out what percentage of that income comes from mom and dad and then applying that percentage to the costs. In our case the mom is a sahm which I am totally supportive of but that means that in the calculation my dh is responsible for more than 80% of the child's expenses. Dh also has kids with me and I too am a sahm....so wow. he has quite a burden doesn't he? Thankfully he is up for it! But cs laws are really not about 50% support. If they were they would use gov. figures on what it costs to raise a child and each person would pay half that cost- no matter what their income.

3)I think that paying cs is reasonable and I have no issue with paying it (though I may have issues with the way our legal system figures cs but that isn niether here or there). But I think that the complaint from the custodial parent about having more time-hey we would take more time if they would give it so what do you want? Just like the cs equation it isn't fair. CP gets more time (and that is worth more than money) so we both have a sucky deal. Divorce sucks. PERIOD.
post #22 of 39
Quote:
I don't agree with your sentiments- I am entirely happy to be solely responsible for my children in the event of their other parents demise, but because he doesn't feel like it?
But, changing your expectations can make your life much easier to live. Dh and I are in the "expect nothing" camp. His ex wasnt paying, wasnt visiting for the longest time. My ex, while he was paying as little as possible, wasnt visiting on a regular basis either. It gave us alot of stress. It wasnt fair! Why should he back out on a weekend b/c he has a dinner party? Why should we be eating ramen noodles while she buys a boat? But then it hit us - we tuck them in at nite. We see the smiles when they ace a test. We know their favourite everything! Like MommyMine said, divorce sucks and its a sucky deal all the way around. Always. But if you lower your expectations - we decided to expect nothing from them - it realllllly helps. It takes away all the anger and frustration. So when we did get a cheque from his ex it was "Woo Hoo" instead of, "only this much?!"

We starting forcing ourselves to think that if they were dead, we'd be on our own anyway, so lets get into that mindset. Any visits and cs were just a bonus!

I hope that makes sense. Its what helped us soooo much. We're no longer bitter (okay, so not nearly as bitter ) But the anger and feeling of unfairness doesnt consume us and keep us up at nite anymore.

All the best to you....
post #23 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall
But, changing your expectations can make your life much easier to live. Dh and I are in the "expect nothing" camp. His ex wasnt paying, wasnt visiting for the longest time. My ex, while he was paying as little as possible, wasnt visiting on a regular basis either. It gave us alot of stress. It wasnt fair! Why should he back out on a weekend b/c he has a dinner party? Why should we be eating ramen noodles while she buys a boat? But then it hit us - we tuck them in at nite. We see the smiles when they ace a test. We know their favourite everything! Like MommyMine said, divorce sucks and its a sucky deal all the way around. Always. But if you lower your expectations - we decided to expect nothing from them - it realllllly helps. It takes away all the anger and frustration. So when we did get a cheque from his ex it was "Woo Hoo" instead of, "only this much?!"

We starting forcing ourselves to think that if they were dead, we'd be on our own anyway, so lets get into that mindset. Any visits and cs were just a bonus!

I hope that makes sense. Its what helped us soooo much. We're no longer bitter (okay, so not nearly as bitter ) But the anger and feeling of unfairness doesnt consume us and keep us up at nite anymore.

All the best to you....
I have to agree 100% on taking on the mindset of "Expect nothing". The anger doesn't consume you.

I would put myself in my children's shoes. Would you rather see your dad twice a month and do whithout? I think visit balance would help? At least once a month. My son's bio-dad didn't want to visit and can see how important physically seeing your parent is.
post #24 of 39
Thread Starter 
Sorry- wasn't clear. The access visits are once every TWO months: and this arrangement has been in place only since January 2006, after the 50 GBP month/ me drive them halfway deal was in place. In 2004 and 2005, he saw them for 4 days: two of which were during "their" (no boys allowed) holiday at a caravan park 15 miles down the road from them.
I think I'm close to the point of "expect nothing." Right now, I feel like I'm doing the right thing: I'm using the existing systems to get what my children deserve and to improve their quality of life, and I've also (and this is a big thing for me), other than spilling my guts about it on a public forum, conducted myself with grace and dignity. If he chooses to become unemployed again, or manages to find a way out of this, then I'm going to be able to let it go this time.
I think for me, the important thing is that I tried. I won't be standing in the way of him seeing his children at all, but I'm not going to try and solve his problems for him. If he asks me a specific question, he'll get a specific answer depending on the circumstances at the time. They will be spending Christmas with him and the whole side of the family regardless, as their great-grandparents are taking everyone away to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary.
Thanks, ladies. You've made a horrible few days bearable.
post #25 of 39
stupid question warning: what does GBP stand for?

I'm glad you're deciding to let it go. Its the best you can do for you and your children. And you have done everything you could! You've been accomodating financially - which teaches your kids a valuable lesson: family is more important than money. You're a great mum doing the best you can for your kids!

If the kids only see him every 2 months, would you be willing to set up an email or something for them to help them contact their dad? Try and look at it not as helping him out, but as its helping your kids to be happy by encouraging contact with their dad. Does that make sense?

I hope you feel better. Its rough, I know.
post #26 of 39
Thread Starter 
GBP = Great British Pounds.
Despite its geographical location, the only currency my computer types in is dollars. Go figure.
Both boys have their own email addresses already, btw (though they currently go through my outlook express, so I can run a spam filter.) They're just very very bad at writing letters.
post #27 of 39
I am a step mom to be. My fiance pays $1400/month for two children. There is no exception. When he gets paid he sets aside a certain amount of money to see his daughter (she is an hour from us)(He doesn't have the expense of seeing his son as the son is a junior in college in Chicago.). My fiance gets paid every two weeks (unless he works at his part time job~ which he does more often than not) I am not understanding why if his visits are once every two months how he can't manange to save some money to visit with his children? I mean we have bills too.. Rent, insurance, etc.. but my fiance sees his daughter every week.
I would use the current exsisting system and what they say. If he chooses not to see his children that is on him. Sorry if I seem so bitter but I can't stand men who do this to their children. They think they are getting back at the mom but it is really the children that end up hurt.

Big Hugs to you!
post #28 of 39
Ah, thank you. I figured the "P" was for pounds, but the GP part was throwing me for some reason. Don't tell my mum, she'll kill me for not knowing (she's from northern ireland..)

Well, rest easy in the knowledge that you've done all that you can do. You've set up email so they can contact, tried to be easy going regarding cs, what else can you do?

post #29 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW
Sehbub you're a better woman than I. I am a stepmom as well and what the state wants my DH to pay is absurd and honestly he's not paying it because it would mean my dd would NOT have a sahp and she would not have the quality of life that she deserves and my dsc are not suffering in the least without this little bit of money.

As for the OP if you know that your ex TRUELY can not afford to pay this amount why don't you try to work out something that you both are comfortable with. I'm sorry but I'm a firm believer that both parents need to be prepared to be the SOLE provider for each and every child they have. If they can not do that then they should reconsider the # of children they have.
Yes, sometimes the man gets the shaft in court. I know a man who had to live in his car once because his child support was so high.

He could get into serious trouble over non-payment.

You married a man with responsibilities. He should honor them. How would you feel if you were the ex and he didn't help support the children he helped to create? I am not trying to be mean toward you. But, I just don't understand.


ETA: Add a sentence.
post #30 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW
Sehbub you're a better woman than I. I am a stepmom as well and what the state wants my DH to pay is absurd and honestly he's not paying it because it would mean my dd would NOT have a sahp and she would not have the quality of life that she deserves and my dsc are not suffering in the least without this little bit of money.

As for the OP if you know that your ex TRUELY can not afford to pay this amount why don't you try to work out something that you both are comfortable with. I'm sorry but I'm a firm believer that both parents need to be prepared to be the SOLE provider for each and every child they have. If they can not do that then they should reconsider the # of children they have.
Wow that is pretty rough. That is a shame that your DH is not paying for his children. It isn't just the responsibility of one parent. My fiance pays $1400 a month for two child supports AND I still am a SAHM and I homeschool. We have a high rent almost $1000/mth plus regular bills. All paid on a Paramedic salary. My fiance has a full time job and a part time job (his choice~plus he can do shifts at the Boston Garden during Hockey games and see them for free) He provides for his two children and my two children (which neither one is his).
post #31 of 39
Thread Starter 
I can't get over the amount that some parents are being asked for.
BTW, the calculations over here are based upon 20% for one child, 25% for two children, 30% for three or more: and then they take 5% off for each child that lives with you: so the 130 is 20% of his income after travel to work (and I think, housing) which will drop after the new baby is born.
post #32 of 39
I feel for you. My DD's Bio always complained that he couldn't afford to pay CS and the cost of transporting her. But even after I cancelled the CS he still saw her only for the summers. Nothing changed. Then when I got divorced he didn't think he should have to pay. Now he pays and refuses to pay for anything other than CS and I do mean anything for our DD. My new husband and I supply personal items like shampoo & pads..etc for her over at his house. In her DSM words "We pay CS so your mom can buy you those things. It's her responsibility not ours."

Always be considerate but when it comes down to it you need that money to provide what your children need. It's DD choice whether or not he sees them. If you can meet him half way offer but make sure he understands that it's only when you can. Not all the time. Do what you need to do. Your children come before him. As a parent that should be his concern.
post #33 of 39
Thread Starter 
Great post, Tawnykat. I think more than anything else, this is reminding me of why we broke up- the selfishness, the inability to put the kids first, and the manipulative behaviour. It's also making me realise that 5 years on (more or less) that a lot of old wounds still haven't healed and I'm still scared of him.
post #34 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle
Yes, sometimes the man gets the shaft in court. I know a man who had to live in his car once because his child support was so high.

He could get into serious trouble over non-payment.

You married a man with responsibilities. He should honor them. How would you feel if you were the ex and he didn't help support the children he helped to create? I am not trying to be mean toward you. But, I just don't understand.


ETA: Add a sentence.
If I didn't want DH to have anything to do with our children I would feel like an ass asking him for Money. I'm sorry I haven't been clear on my issues with CS. If a man has no access no rights etc to his children besides a financial obligation I think that is BS. He would love to see his children, spend time with his children even talk on the phone with his children but his ex DOES not allow that. (this is why we are back in court) So I don't have a problem iwth him caring for his children I have a problem with him having to support children he can't see. (through no fault of his own)
post #35 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma Lou
Wow that is pretty rough. That is a shame that your DH is not paying for his children. It isn't just the responsibility of one parent. My fiance pays $1400 a month for two child supports AND I still am a SAHM and I homeschool. We have a high rent almost $1000/mth plus regular bills. All paid on a Paramedic salary. My fiance has a full time job and a part time job (his choice~plus he can do shifts at the Boston Garden during Hockey games and see them for free) He provides for his two children and my two children (which neither one is his).
I'm sorry his ex lives off the state, off you and me and dh, she has children by SEVERAL different men (yes dh was stupid for getting involved with her) She "earns" a living off her children the quantity of children more kids equals bigger house bigger check more foodstamps etc.
post #36 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW
If I didn't want DH to have anything to do with our children I would feel like an ass asking him for Money. I'm sorry I haven't been clear on my issues with CS. If a man has no access no rights etc to his children besides a financial obligation I think that is BS. He would love to see his children, spend time with his children even talk on the phone with his children but his ex DOES not allow that. (this is why we are back in court) So I don't have a problem iwth him caring for his children I have a problem with him having to support children he can't see. (through no fault of his own)


I was hoping that is what you meant. Your first post made it sound totally different.

I would be upset if I financially supported my kids and I didn't get access to them. I can see your point on that. But, the law is the law and he is risking a lot not to pay his CS.

I hope he wins in court.
post #37 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW
She "earns" a living off her children the quantity of children more kids equals bigger house bigger check more foodstamps etc.
this kind of comment bothers me as much as men being accused of being under employed or avoiding work to keep from paying cs.

If a woman is so foolish as to have children in order to get cs to "live" off of that is a devils bargin. I don't really think this happens. I think some women do have a lot of children and even by many men- and may get a "lot" of cs due to that...but please- cs is short term so if that really is some woman's plan she will get hers in the end when her kids turn 18. But also CS is not enough to live on generally. Unless one of her ex's is some millionaire chances are she is just making it by.

Like with the accused man I think this is a case where she is living her life and her actions result in this situation rather than she is out seeking this situation- in otherwords I don't think she does it TO collect cs...I think she just does it for whatever reason (stupidity? A desire for more kids? she is married to each sequentionally? BC failure? Whatever) and she ends up in the situation.

CS isn't a "living." since as a career it is nessisarily going to end before you are done needing income and of course it could end sooner if you loose custody or the child dies (god forbid).
post #38 of 39
While I agree with you MommyMine that very few women probably set out to have several children by several different men to earn a living, the fact is that I've known of at least two women who do indeed "earn" their living by their child support. Both have "victim" type personalities and are very good at getting others to swoop in and solve their problems. I assume most of the men they have children are initially attracted to playing the hero role. It is a situation that developed out of circumstance more than design.
post #39 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by McFeelings
It is a situation that developed out of circumstance more than design.
then we agree. ncp don't quit working JUST to avoid paying cs...though it might be one of the results and cp don't have kids JUST to make cs thought they may be sahp and cp who have no other income but cs.
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