Anyone have family unsupportive of you working

[jessc79]

I posted about this in the "unkindest cut" thread, and I wanted to start a new thread because this is sort of unrelated.

My mom was a SAHM and I never *really* wanted to be a SAHM when I was growing up. I paid my own way through college (via loans, working like a dog and credit cards : ) and now I about to finish my second year as a corporate accountant. I don't love my job, but I certainly need the money, and I have very good benefits. When we started ttc, I KNEW I wouldn't be able to stay home. My mom would always tell me "you need to wait until you can afford to stay home." I thought that was ridiculous because that may be NEVER-DH is all commission and we could never make the bills on his sporadic income!

So I went ahead with ttc and ignored my mom. My son is due 6/11/03. She has been pretty unsupportive of the fact that I am going back to work. Its been hard and she makes me feel really guilty with comments like "you are going to be heartbroken" and "how can you leave your little boy with a stranger." Of course, she lives 3 hours away and can offer no solution.

I was telling her the other night about how I was planning to pump, cloth diaper, and skip vaxes. She listened and then laid into me about how I just need to stay home because I will "never be able to handle it."

My 19 year old sister makes comments, too. Like she would never leave her kids in daycare. Like it is equivalent to leaving them in a dumpster for the day.

Now I know I can, and I am confident in the daycare I am chosing but why do I let this bother me so much??? It makes me feel so guilty, like I am going to be the worst mother ever. My husband and I have made decisions that I feel are best for us. I am even considering not talking to my mom and sis for a while because it is really stressing me out.

[delighted.mama]

jessc79

Sorry to hear about all the stress you are going through with your mom.....just what you need when you are pregnant and hormonal anyway, right!?: I don't know if this will help put things into perspective or not for you, but things have a way of changing once the baby is here. I know this sounds very trite, but it is very true. I don't know your mom, so I don't know how she is saying these things, but the stuff she is saying does have some truth in it....no matter how hard it is to accept. I'm not saying that she should be dumping all this on you, but some of the stuff is worth taking into consideration, IMHO. It is hard to hear, but that doesn't make it irrelevant, unimportant or ignorant.

Prior to having dd, I thought that I wouldn't have a problem leaving her in daycare. That's part of the modern working woman's world, right? I went through too much trouble just to sit at home......I have the loans to prove it!! I thought, "sure, it's going to be hard, but *I* can do it." Any of this sound familiar??

We picked out the best daycare in our city, visited it numerous times, took 2 tours, talked to the daycare providers, etc.etc. Tons of research went into this endeavor. At the time, dh was finishing school and I was the only one working. I knew that quitting wasn't an option, nor did I think I would want to be a SAHP. My mom, like yours, was a SAHP until my brother and I were in middle school. I always was so focused and determined to go out and make a career for myself.....not just a *job*, but an actual profession. I was going to *be* someone. That's how I became a lawyer. Little did I know that my *being* someone would pale in comparison to my being a good mother to my precious baby......

Fast forward to after dd was born....everyone told me it would be hard to go back to work and to leave her in daycare. Even after she was born, I thought it would be ok. BUT, the more I bonded with her on my maternity leave, the less I could think of someone else caring for her. The love, caring, doting looks that I gave her was something she WAS NOT going to get in a daycare. Who, but me and dh, could truly appreciate that cute quirky way she smiled? Who would think her gassy spells were something to smile about? Who would appreciate the way the light glinted off of her hair and her beautiful gray eyes? A stranger? All of a sudden, my gut and my head came together and told me that the "hypothetical" world that I had lived in during my pregnancy was not the world of my reality now that dd was here!


That realization completely blew my mind! It was like all of a sudden, I realized that nobody could care for my baby like I could! As wonderful as the dc we chose was, I also realized that she would only be one of 10 other babies. To me, the sun rose and set around her. But, to the dc provder, that wouldn't be the case. It was a very hard reality check for both dh and I. We went into ttc with the knowledge that we couldn't afford for one of us to be at home. Once dd was born, EVERYTHING changed. :

Anyway, 3 months later, I had to go back to work. At first, it was hard, but it got easier b/c my mother-in-law was going to watch her for 2 months until we found a nanny. YEP! We scrapped the idea of a dc real quick. We would be paying for a person to come to our home just a tiny bit more than a daycare and we wanted the one-on-one care for dd. See how quickly things change.....

When dd was 5 months old, our nanny started. She was an awesome womam. I was jealous. She got to take dd to the park, while I got to drive to work and sit in an office. She got to see dd smile at her, while I got to talk about the jurisprudence in our state. She got to cuddle and kiss dd's soft little arms and belly while I got to sit at a desk and I got to attach plastic cones to my breasts and pump out milk, while trying to finish a memorandum to my boss! Get the picture? STILL, I was in denial. This was fine, I said. This isn't so bad. I could handle it. I was fortunate to have a flexible job, so I actually drove home every day (20 mintues each way) to nurse dd during lunch!!

In essence, my entire day began to revolve around pumping and running home to see dd. I reasoned, "at least you are seeing her during lunch." I felt like I wasn't missing too much , but I was running around like crazy trying to *be* there for dd. In the mornings, I left as late as possible (9:00 a.m.) and drove like a bat out of h*ll to get to work, only to have to pump in an hour, then leave for lunch to see dd, come back to the office, and then pump again. Then, lo and behold, it was time for me to *sneak* out of work to run home and be there by 4:30. Crazy isn't it?? All of sudden, this awesom career (which I still think it is), became a JOB that I had to do in order to pay the mortgage, insurance, and, yes, the nanny.

I kept this schedule up until this past January, when I stopped pumping and going home for lunch as much. That's when dd turned 1 year old. I'm still nursing her and we recently started cd'ing. I now try not to be gone from the home more than 7 hours (total). Fortunately, I have a position where I can slip in and out without too many people noticing. Unfortunately, most jobs aren't that way. It's usually an 8 hour day, plus travel time; a total of about 10 hours away from home.

Now, however, I feel like I am missing out b.c dd is a toddler. She has been walking since 9 months old and now she's running around. She's talking (kind of) and she knows when mama leaves. It's hard.

The point of this story....it took me a year to realize that although I can "have it all," I can't have it all at the same time! And, if I want to try to have it all (or have to work), then some things must be sacrified....such as time with your child. That is a very hard but true fact.
For me, the realization that someone else was getting the opportunity; no, the pleasure, of being with my dd and raising her during the day just ripped my heart to shreds. I have things to offer dd as well! I'm her mother! I can offer her more! BUT, I am not there.......that's what really, really hurts about being a working mom. That is the reality that I had to realize the hard way......sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but this is my experience. I hope that yours is different.
: :

I've perused a number of boards and chatted with so many working moms. The prevailing theme sems, to me, that we all wish that there could be more time to spend with our baby/babies because time really does fly by soooooo fast. Maybe some of the other wonderful ladies on this board can back me up on this, or offer another perspective.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to offer another perspective on the issue. I really hope that things work out for you. As for your mom, maybe if you let her know that your comments are realling bothering you, she'll back off. If you concede that some of her points are valid, but that you are choosing a certain path, she may be more willing to accept it. Just a though....good luck to you!!



Libby
mama to a little bobka (14 1/2 months old)---hopefully soon-to-be-working party time......keeping my fingers crossed!!

[hulamama]

Jess....I am so sorry you are feeling this burden. While your mom may have some good points (I agree that the heaviness and the "absolutely not wanting to do it "feeling" you get when you have to leave your child for the first time is simply and totally awful--and I was SOOO not prepared for that feeling), she isn't exactly going about it at the right time or the right way. I would sit down and talk to her about things when you feel like it will be a productive discussion and not a fight. You probably both have good points and just need to get them out in the open.

I must say that I don't have any family members who don't support me--my mom was a SAHM, too and we have talked at length about how impossible that is on dh and I's income and she is completely supportive, but I have had friends make comments that make me feel like the world's worst mother...."like I don't know how you go in to work every day....this is the most rewarding job I have ever had...yada, yada, yada." Well thanks, seeing as I didn't ask you OR pass judgement on your choices, I really appreciate that comment.....I find that I just don't stay in contact with those "friends" much anymore. We don't relate on the same level anymore and that really is disheartening, but I found that the level of guilt that I was left with upon talking with them each time was not worth carrying around anymore and it was just better to avoid those possible comments.

hang in there and have that talk with your mom when you feel up to it.

[Jish]

I am a sahm, and I love it and think it is the best job in the world -- for me. I have friends who are wonderful parents, but would make rotten sahm's They just don't have it in them to be with their children 24/7. Heck, even the best sahm needs a break sometimes. Don't feel bad doing what you know is best for your family. Don't let family or sahm's make you feel like less of a parent for working. We sahm's usually feel like we have the best job, but often forget that it isn't the job for everyone. If a mom stays at home because she feels like she must and is miserable, her baby is likely to suffer more than if he were in a wonderful and positive care situation with people who love and enjoy caring for him.

I think that when the time comes to actually leave your child at day care that first day, it will be much harder than you think. The "idea" of the baby and the reality of when that baby arrives are so far apart. There is no way anyone can explain how much you will fall in love with that little baby. It is mindblowing. Just know that going to work doesn't in any way make you a bad parent.

[EFmom]

I'm a WOHM, and I'm quite happy with the way things have worked out for our family. We have a wonderful in-home daycare provider, and my kids are quite content there. If they are home for extended periods (my dh is a teacher, so they are home all the school vacations), by the end of the week they talk about missing their friends at daycare.

I don't feel at all guilty about working. But, my family is not supportive. I come from a big family. My mom was a SAHM, and frankly, she wasn't great at it, so I don't have lots of wonderful, warm memories of endless cookie-baking with mom. Mostly I have memories of a woman who had to deal with too many kids. She wasn't a terrible mother--she just wasn't a lot of fun, very creative about it, or particularly suited to the job.

We might be able to survive on dh's income, just barely, if we sold our house in a good school district and moved into a small apartment in a lousy school district. But we certainly wouldn't be sending our kids to college. When I think of what I am grateful to my parents for, a debt-free college education is right at the top of the list, and the fact that my mother was a SAHM doesn't even make the list.

My sisters are all SAHM moms. Two of the three of them take every opportunity they can to make little digs about how awful I am for working. It's pretty funny actually as neither of them are especially warm or nurturing. One of them lives in a distant state, and has turned into a rabid, right wing republican, so we don't really have anything in common anyhow, so I just never call her. With the other one I just make VERY pointed comments to when she makes her little digs like "I'm not interested in your opinon on that subject, since you are only trying to be hurtful." If she keeps it up, which she sometimes does, I will cheerfully start critiquing her parenting, which usually does shut her up.

I don't especially like either of these sisters as people. So, I don't let their attitudes bother me that much. I'm doing what's right for my family, and I don't remember asking their permission to work in the first place!

[Indigomama]

Actually, my dh was very unsupportive about me going back to work. He came from a very traditional family.... dad worked 90 hours a week, and mom stayed home--- definitely not the situation I desired. I was at home for the first year and it sucked as he used the whole I'm supporting the family to balk from family responsibilities as he was always working... at least that's how I saw it. Plus I am ten years younger than he with tons more education... I make more money than him, like my job where he doesn't........ plus I wasn't happy as a sahm.

It was very hard for the first year after returning to work, and almost broke up our marriage. Fortunately, he finally came to an understanding that this was really important to me.

Actually, the other day he commented on how bad he felt that ds was in day care... i popped back... is this another guilt trip about me working?.... he popped back... no, I'm feeling guilty that I'm working.

It took over a year, but it finally dawned on him that we are equal partners in this adventure of parenthood.


My advice: If the relationship is important, sit down and explain why you want to work and why their support is important to you. Don't leave out what the consequences of their unsupport is ( not threatenly, but matter of factly)..... it underlines how important they are as well as how difficult it is to be in an unsupportive environment.

I thought dh understood, but until I laid it out to him in one sitting rather than in pieces, it simply did not click. He also didn't understand how much his criticism hurt me.

I will have to second that it's hard to know how you will feel after the bebe is born.... always keep an open mind is my motto..... no matter what decision you make... sahm/wohm..... situations may make you change your mind.

[Alstrameria]

Hi jessc79,

Sahm was never an option for us, we could do it but were not happy with the lifestyle we would have. My mom has made a few comments like "it's too bad" or "it would be nice if you could be with them when they're little" but basically she and everyone else is supportive. I work afternoons and dh days, so we don't need care. It has it's challenges, but I'm soooooo grateful to my boss for this arrangement. And everyone is fine. You do what you think is best for everybody.

We went through all the options when I was on leave (which was 13 months), but didn't really see how it would work until I was due to go back.

That's the only advice I have. Talk to your mom if you can but otherwise just let her know that "that's the plan". And keep your options open until you really need to make that decision.

Jen

[Lucky Charm]

We might be able to survive on dh's income, just barely, if we sold our house in a good school district and moved into a small apartment in a lousy school district.

I hear you. We get grief from my SIL who lives 9 houses away. actually, i dont get grief anymore, because we dont speak. every chance she got she bashed working moms and nurses. and i am both. no matter that the only reason she can live 9 houses from me is because her parents gave them $60,000 to put down on their home. My dh and I pay for everything ourselves, including our down payment. And one more thing, she isnt that great a mom, yes she cooks and cleans, but we stayed with them 6 weeks, and have vacationed twice, and i have never seen her touch, kiss or caress her kids. she rarely interacts with them on any real emotional level.

i am so much happier since we stopped speaking. i hadnt realized what a burden it was until i stopped. its sick that i have more sense of community here at MDC than i have with my very own SIL. I am thankful for the members at MDC.