First day of Montessori preschool did not go well (X-posted in homeschooling)

[Averys_mom]

I plan to homeschool but we signed our 3yo dd up at the local Montessori preschool for 3 mornings (2.5 hours) a week (they reluctantly allowed us to do this.) We like many principles of the Montessori method and thought she might like going. We weren't doing it for social or childcare reasons and we really don't believe in "hurrying" our children, but there are many excellent materials at the school.

It started out OK -- She immediately got right into the activities. But apparently about 20 minutes after I left she got a little upset and they ended up reading to her in the corner. I came 15 minutes early (not encouraged) and she came to me with her doe eyes welled up and began to weep. She then told me she wants to stay home and doesn't want to go back.

Side note: Our dd is the definition of spirited/high needs. She is very attached and slow to adapt. She has never been left alone with anyone besides her grandparents.

The teachers said I just need to drop her off, and come when it's over and let her get used to being away from us. But I just know she'll be a mess if we go back tomorrow and will not "get used to being away" for weeks. DH wonders if we just need to give it a shot, but I don't want to put her through the trauma of it.

Is this an exercise in futility when we plan to homeschool anyway or should we make her go back tomorrow to see if she gets used to it? I need to make a quick decision.

[~Megan~]

You know your child best. Do what you think is right.

[saritasmile]

Oh hugs mama! that is so hard. We went thru a hard time last spring w/ putting my son into Montessori. I would just say listen to your intuition. I let it go on for 3 months trying to "give it my all' and ended up taking him out anyway. I don't have much advise....but good luck and again, listen to your mamas intuition.

[irinam]

Hugs from me too mama!

I know my DD was simply not ready for any kind of school when she was 3. Too clingy, and I respected that.

However, at 4 she happily went full time to Montessori (gradually) and some days when I came up to pick her up earlier, she would tell me "I am not ready mama. Come back later!"

Plus at 3 kids don't really need any "schooling" (but I know that you know that )

[E.V. Lowi]

If you don't have a compelling need to have this child in a program, ie:so that you can work and if you are fine with having her at home with you full time, there is absolutely no reason that you should force her to stay in the classroom, when she has expressed so clearly to you that she doesn't want to be there.
My kids loved Montessori (so did I!!) but every child is ready for the experience on their own schedule and shouldn't be rushed. You can keep bringing her back to the classroom periodically and she will join in gladly when her time comes, naturally. My son was a very late bloomer and needed lots of extra time and patience before he was ready, but eventually, at about age 4, he joined in willingly. Don't push her, if you don't have to.

[mata]

I agree w/E.V. Lowi. I let my six year old separate from me when she was ready, which was for kindergarten. It all worked out, and I'm sure if you decide something similar it would work out, too. Good luck,whatever you decide!

[4evermom]

I tried sending ds to pre-k last year and it was a big mistake for him. He has always been super attached but this experience really set him back for a long time. I had been able to leave him with dh for a couple of hours to run errands before then, but after it took almost a year for me to be able to go to the store without him.

I think that Montessori is great but it was originally designed to help young children of the Italian working class who were being left to their own devices while their parents worked. I don't think there is any reason to think that children of involved parents aren't getting the same, or better, benefits by staying home.

[uberwench]

Hi -

Not all montessori schools are created equally, either. We had a bad experience with one near where we live, and from what i've heard from others (some Montessori teachers, other moms who'd sent their kids to Montessori schools) my experience was NOT typical of Montessori.

I went with my gut even before i heard that this particular "montessori" school was atypical, and took my 3.5 DS out.

Do what your heart feels is right for your DD.

[hipumpkins]

At 3 my DD could not be left in a classrroom without me. She only took classes at the Y and only one teacher would help me by letting me stay in a corner and let her learn on her own terms. I wasn't intrusive and never comennted..I tried to be invisible. the teacher respected that but no other teacher would let help us...drop and go seems to be the way poeple think is best and I knew my daughter would NOT handle that. She would totally lose it. so we took it VERY slowly and now she takes classes and I am not in the room and not even in the hallway anymore. It took more than 6 mos to get her to feel safe enough so if she were inschool I would definetly have taken her out b/c it would be traumatic. It feels like abandonement when they scream for you. If you don't have to do it...I would say don't.

[thriftyqueen]

I don't think I would let one day be the deciding factor. Give it a few days and see how it all works out. It takes kids time to adjust to something new and since you are apprehensive about it, she is probably sensing that. I am not saying that you should absolutely keep her in the school, but I think a couple of days is necessary to make a decision. If after that it is not working, by all means, take her out.

[Peony]

Go with your gut. My 3.5 year old dd would not do well without mama. We are actually struggling with this because she really wants to attend dance classes (the neighbor girl is going) but I just don't see her being able to handle it wihout mom, and I'm not allowed to stay during the class. :

[XmasEve]

We're having the opposite problem with our 3yo in Montessori. At first she loved it and would throw a fit when we came to pick her up. Now she throws the fit when we drop her off. It gets worse every morning. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just keeping an open dialogue with her, and in 2 weeks will be parent/teacher conferences, when I can discuss this with the teachers. (I always put my dc first, but want at least one other perspective on this.) Depending on that, we'll either leave her in or take her out- maybe try again next year, who knows.

So, I'm no help. But I know how hard this feels so I wanted to give you a

[E.V. Lowi]

Originally Posted by uberwench

Hi -

Not all montessori schools are created equally, either. We had a bad experience with one near where we live, and from what i've heard from others (some Montessori teachers, other moms who'd sent their kids to Montessori schools) my experience was NOT typical of Montessori.

I went with my gut even before i heard that this particular "montessori" school was atypical, and took my 3.5 DS out.

Do what your heart feels is right for your DD.

I agree. AMI Montessori keeps true to the method, and I have found other Montessori schools did not work well for my kids. But no matter what type of school it is, everything depends on the teacher and how the child interacts with this most important surrogate. I believe that letting your child suffer through a couple more days where she has already expressed
her unhappiness is bordering on cruel, if unnecessary at the tender age of preschool.

[SmilesALot]

Hi

If you are going to be homeschooling anyway and your daughter is expressing unwillingness, it would be worth it to rethink the plan to send her to Montessori. I have left my ds when he was 1.5 in a Montessori when he was crying (eventhough we started with only 1 hour and gradually went to more time) as i was working part time and could not quit completely. It still bothers me to think that i had left him to cry like that. It took him about 2 months to really settle down. In retrospect, i do not think the head teacher in his class (who was Montessori trained) had enough compassion while he was settling down. He was forced to control his emotions very quickly. You could see how it goes for a couple of days if you really like the school and the class (including the teachers) and then make the call. If the kid is still unhappy long after returning home and is talking of not going to school all through the day, it is a sure sign of severe distress.

I hope the replies to your post are helpful to you.

Peace & Love!

[cpop]

I would just be cautious that even if you pull her out you let her know that she didn't fail or anything. My daughter gets very set on things and once she tries and fails I find it is best to give her an opportunity to do it successfully otherwise she feels really bad about it.
Maybe you could ask the teacher to let you stay a bit, for the first few days and also come pick her up early so that she relaxes. And talk to her about things that are fun there, that you can't do at home. Or you could try setting up a playdate with a kid from school so that that boundary between home and school is not as ridgid.
Give her a chance, I think one day is not enough for her to decide if she likes it.

[cpop]

just to clarify I don't think your daughter 'failed' at anything, I just think sometimes they see it that way.

[beka1977]

We are having similar debates... if we are going to homeschool then is going away to preschool necessary? A good idea? How young is too young? What about waiting or skipping preschool altogether? You know how it goes! :

Anyway what made me a little sad about your post was the teachers' reactions to what your daughter is going through, and their opinions about how you should handle it. It sounded like they were giving you a hard time for coming early etc. I am sure that if their husbands dropped them off at some party where they didn't know anyone that they would be grateful when their husbands came back 15 min early!

[kaspar]

wow, how difficult for you and your poor babe! i was talking with a friend of mine who has never been away from her 9-month-old daugheter for a minute (daughter has breathing problems), and can't leave her with anyone, not even her dh, for even a minute. when my babe gets here (four more months!!) i am going to make sure to leave him/her with a sitter starting early on, starting with 1 hour per week maybe, just to get the babe used to all the wonderful people in the world. i couldn't bear the thought of having a babe so attached he'd be lost without me!

[XmasEve]

Kaspar, you are going to be the most wonderful person in the world to your baby, to the exclusion of everyone else. When you are not by his side he is going to be consumed by the thought of being near you again, and in such a state he will not be able to enjoy the other wonderful people of the world. By being with our children whenever they need us, meeting their needs, including their need to just be with mom, we teach them that the world is a wonderful place that they can explore at their leisure, and always find safety in our arms.

Children are like turtles. We cannot force them from their shells, only offer them encouragement and reassurance to move at their own pace.

Your friend's daughter is a very lucky baby.

[annarborite]

I tend to agree with kasper. I have one in elementary and one who just started preschool myself, and yes, it does take a bit of getting used to, for them and for us. But there is so much to learn and experience in the wide world, including learning to depend on themselves and others, and how to recognize when they can and can't do that, and that there is always mama to come home to in the end, to tell about their triumphs and adventures and get comforted for the failures and misadventures, no matter how small.

I have a brave and independent daughter and a somewhat shy and cautious son, so I know how hard it can be to help them take the first small steps away. Just because I'm still the most wonderful person in his world (well, except when he's in the "all daddy all the time" mode) doesn't mean that I'm the only person. And that's as it should be, IMO.