First day of Montessori preschool did not go well (X-posted in homeschooling) - Page 2

[kaspar]

Originally Posted by annarborite

learning to depend on themselves and others, and how to recognize when they can and can't do that, and that there is always mama to come home to in the end

exactly! if a babe knows mama will always come back when she says she will, he doesn't have to worry if she's away for a bit. he know's shes there for him at the end of the day, and can enjoy his time in the world without being "consumed" by thinking about mama.

my friend can't even leave her poor daughter with her dh, the daughter gets upset. i think it's awfully sad that she doesn't consider her daddy a "real" parent the way she sees mama.

[onlyzombiecat]

Just summing up my understanding:
1. You are going to homeschool.
2. You have no need to have your dd in school or childcare.
3. You aren't doing preschool for the social aspect and do not believe in hurrying your children.
4. You like the materials and many of the principles Montessori uses.
5. Your dd is 3 and this would be 2.5 hours 3 days a week in a classroom. Your dd is high needs and slow to adapt. she has never been left alone with anyone besides her grandparents.
6. It seems like the teachers discourage parents from coming early so maybe aren't very open to having you stay with your dd or parental involvement.
7. Your dd was upset at you being gone and doesn't want to do it again.


I'd say there aren't any reasons for your family to keep your dd with this program at all. Your dd might adjust if you pushed her but that doesn't seem necessary or in line with how you parent.

Why wait to homeschool? You can do a preschool program at home using Montessori materials if you like them. Do an internet search for Montessori homeschool and you'll find information, support groups and sources for the materials. You can find Montessori materials for sale on e-bay too.

[Mom2Laura]

When I first toured the Montessori Preschool that my daughter eventually attended, my gut told me it was a good, loving place. I really liked the Directress that gave the tour and all of the kids were calm and engaged. The main thing that clinched it for me was a mandatory "phase-in". You attended with your child for the time necessary for him/her to become familiar with the surroundings and start to participate. My daughter was very slow to warm up to people and was often described as clingy (I think she had normal attachment needs). After a while she wasn't ready to leave when I arrived.

I think each child has different needs and temperament. Do what you think is right for you and your child.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by kaspar

exactly! if a babe knows mama will always come back when she says she will, he doesn't have to worry if she's away for a bit. he know's shes there for him at the end of the day, and can enjoy his time in the world without being "consumed" by thinking about mama.

A baby is not developmentally CAPABLE of understanding that. All a baby knows is his mama is not there. A baby cannot understand that someone not present will return. They have no concept of time and are unable to learn it until they reach that developmental stage, no matter how much you practice.

[**guest**]

Originally Posted by kaspar

my friend can't even leave her poor daughter with her dh, the daughter gets upset. i think it's awfully sad that she doesn't consider her daddy a "real" parent the way she sees mama.

here you are talking about a 9 months old baby, right? 9 months old is a high peak for separation anxiety, and it is totally normal for babies not to want to be separated from their mothers. also many 9 months old are still nursing every hour or every several hours.

try not to have very set expectations about how your parenting will work. you might be surprised that you might not want to be separated and enjoy her company.

[E.V. Lowi]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

A baby is not developmentally CAPABLE of understanding that. All a baby knows is his mama is not there. A baby cannot understand that someone not present will return. They have no concept of time and are unable to learn it until they reach that developmental stage, no matter how much you practice.

[annarborite]

I thought that Avery's mama and I were talking about preschoolers. This is the "childhood years" folder, right?

However, I don't think it does a nine-month old harm to know that other people -- her father, other relatives, a nanny, a dear friend -- can care for her in addition to her mother. Part of secure attachment is being mentally attached enough to withstand physical detachment by knowing it is only temporary, right? Heaven knows I took my children with me all sorts of places that weren't at all necessary for them to be when they were babies, like the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and once when I had an appointment to get my legs waxed before we went to the beach, but I did leave them sometimes, too. Our son is much worse with the idea of mom being away from him than the actuality of it. He will say he doesn't want to go to preschool today, but once we get there he wants to put things into his cubby and do his little tasks and see what the other kids are doing. He's fine with my leaving and happy to see me again, though I suspect his dream would be for me to go to preschool with him.

[XmasEve]

Originally Posted by annarborite

I thought that Avery's mama and I were talking about preschoolers. This is the "childhood years" folder, right?

Too true. My sincerest apologies to everyone on this thread for getting sorely off-topic.

So, Avery's mama, did she go back to Montessori? I've begun telling my dd a series of stories about a little girl who goes to school, and some days are good days and some days aren't, and sometimes she likes it and sometimes she doesn't, but she's always happiest in the end to go to school every morning and be home with her momma every afternoon... my dd loves stories, so this has been working for us. Where's the crutch smiley when you need it? I'm just proud of myself that I didn't follow my parents' history and start bribing her... yet.

[Averys_mom]

My mom made a good point: Some kids need a MUCH slower transition, or it can be very detrimental. All Avery needed was mom to be in the classroom for a few days to know that school was OK, the teachers were OK, everything is OK. If the teachers could not understand that, then there is something wrong with the school. I expected more from a Montessori school, actually. It is supposed to be where children's developmental positions are deeply respected. I wasn't expecting her to be an exception, I was expecting her to get a chance.

It was foolish of me to expect her to cope well when she was left in a room she had never seen, with grown-ups she had never met. I reasoned if they would only let children go cold-turkey, then this wasn't the place for my dd. It's a shame, really. DD is a bright little girl that just needs more of everything. Should would have made a good student for them.

But, I am very satisfied with our decision to pull her out. I have a good home preschool curriculum that I was going to use on the off days. My husband and I have agreed to use the tuition money for Suzuki music lessons and some good manipulatives at home. I take comfort in David Elkind's findings that children should not be hurried and there is no good research that proves preschool is necessary for middle and upper class families. I was simply hoping to give Avery a small change of pace in a different prepared environment than home.

All of your comments were very good, mamas, and I greatly appreciate your thoughtful words and interesting discussion.

[BCmommy]

at our Montessori, they were great. DS was scared on day one and hid under a table. The teacher got under the table and read to him, and he fell in love.

[Britishmum]

Originally Posted by Averys_mom

My mom made a good point: Some kids need a MUCH slower transition, or it can be very detrimental. All Avery needed was mom to be in the classroom for a few days to know that school was OK, the teachers were OK, everything is OK. If the teachers could not understand that, then there is something wrong with the school. I expected more from a Montessori school, actually. It is supposed to be where children's developmental positions are deeply respected. I wasn't expecting her to be an exception, I was expecting her to get a chance.

It was foolish of me to expect her to cope well when she was left in a room she had never seen, with grown-ups she had never met. I reasoned if they would only let children go cold-turkey, then this wasn't the place for my dd. It's a shame, really. DD is a bright little girl that just needs more of everything. Should would have made a good student for them.

But, I am very satisfied with our decision to pull her out. I have a good home preschool curriculum that I was going to use on the off days. My husband and I have agreed to use the tuition money for Suzuki music lessons and some good manipulatives at home. I take comfort in David Elkind's findings that children should not be hurried and there is no good research that proves preschool is beneficial for middle and upper class families. I was simply hoping to give Avery a small change of pace in a different prepared environment than home.

All of your comments were very good, mamas, and I greatly appreciate your thoughtful words and interesting discussion.

We pulled my dd out of a preschool for exactly that reason - they simply could not understand that she needed me to stay with her at first. It was a decision we never regretted. A year later we put her in a family coop, where I could stay whenever I needed to, for as long as I needed to. It took her a year, and I still could only leave her occasionally, but it has been well worth the effort. Going 'cold turkey' would have destroyed her trust, which was something I was not prepared to do.

Only you know your child. We can all have wonderful ideals and theories about why we should or should not leave our children with others, but what we sometimes forget is that each child has his or her own opinions on that subject.

Sometimes we need to listen to our children, not to our inner dialogue. Well done mama, for listening to your instinct.

[Thalia the Muse]

DS was scared on day one and hid under a table. The teacher got under the table and read to him, and he fell in love.

AWWWWW, that's so sweet!

[Flor]

Ds started Montessori last week. It has been SOOOO hard, but I have to work, so that limits our options. I've heard it can take 4-6 weeks for a child to adjust to preschool. Many schools do a gradual phase in. In our case, DS went and spent time with me and teacher with no kids there. Either after the kids had left, or on a day she was just working in her classroom. Then he was left with just her for an hour, etc. until we built him up a little. He is in love with his school, but is having a hard time being without us. Check our the Montessori forum in Learning at School, there are other mom's talking about this exact issue now since many of our little ones are staring preschool this month.

[Mytwokids]

My ds is in a montessori and my dd was until this year (now in 1st grade). All montessoris are different but many stress the independence factor. I love our montessori and have never felt pressure to leave my children before they are ready.

I think you made the right decision. I guess I don't understand why you would be putting a 3 year old in school if you planned to homeschool. I thought the point of homeschooling was that they didn't go to school. . 3 year olds are hard to leave especially if they are not used to it. If its not a necessity than definitely not worth it at 3, IMO.

When she is older if you think she needs more socialization there are plenty of homeschooling groups that I'm sure would suit your needs (and hers hopefully) more. But until then I would just allow her to blossom at her own rate.

Micky

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Averys_mom

let her get used to being away from us.

Right here. This is a red flag for me. Gordon Neufeld (Hold on to your Kids) would term it, "courting the competition." It is exactly this societal attitude that interferes with the parent/child relationship. When someone NOT firmly attached to my child can tell me this, with authority, there is something wrong for me. If it gets my stomach twirling and my instincts awhirl, I've got to listen to that. My instincts are the best thing I've got toward being the parent I want to be.

Remember: "what is NORMAL [for our society], is not necessarily natural." Our children are supposed to be with us, to need us. They are young for such a tiny-minute amount of time--a blink of an eye. The comfort and security and the TRUST they get from us is the very security they will take out into the world with them. Kids are so smart. They know exactly what they need. We need only tune in. The attachment needs of our children can not be overestimated. Plenty of children do not appreciate this kind of classroom environment. Following their lead is incredibly important in giving them the freedom to learn and live life. If they are consumed by anxiety over being in an atmosphere that does not work for them, then no real learning can take place anyway so...

Indeed, they may get "used to" it. They may get "used to" being away from you. But given your intent to homeschool, perhaps this is not something that would be beneficial toward that end. At any rate, the bottom line for me is my relationship with my child. That is the priority. I need to nurture that relationship, breed an atmosphere of trust between myself and my child.

For DS, I know he would be uncomfortable in an environment in which I was asked to drop off and leave quickly. We unschool, so it's not an issue for us but if I were sending him to school, I'd have to find one that was more parent friendly for sure.

Perhaps there is a school in your area that is more "parent friendly?" If not Montessori, perhaps one that better reflects your own parenting philosophy, relationship with your child, homeschooling, etc. In particular, ones that are more accessible to parents might be more in tune with your intent to homeschool. I wish I had more answers mama. My only very best advice is follow you gut,.

The best and hang in there. I know that must have been a hard day for you.

Em

P.S. I hope this didn't sound too preachy. It is something I've thought about a lot, read about, lived as a child, etc. One of those passionate areas I guess you could say.

[Dechen]

Children want to grow up. They seek independence naturally. I just don't think its anything we need to push.

Some kids have more adventurous personalities than others, and some kids stay close by for a longer period of time. Both are fine ways to be.

My almost 3 yr old recently started preschool. She is an outgoing, independent type and even so I was ready to pull her in the blink of an eye if she indicated that school was too much right now. It kills me (and disturbs her) to see the other kids crying as they are being dropped off.

Dropping your child off from the car (into a teacher's arms) is encouraged at dd's preschool, but dh or I have walked her in and out every time. I know the teachers must think I'm overprotective, and I probably am by "normal" standards. I think our culture encourages parents to be under-protective.

Trust your daughter. Trust what she is communicating to you. Don't let other people's beliefs (mine included!) interfere with your connection to your daughter and her needs.

Good luck. I hope it all works out, whatever you choose.

[Tinas3muskateers]

My 2 year old started a Montessori Toddler program when he turned 18 months. It runs from 8:30-11:30 5 days a week (you can have the option of 3 days) His teacher is fabulous. He had a VERY hard time being seperated from me. He had never gone to anyone before, he was still nursing, and he was very unhappy when I would leave him. His teacher said that Isaiah at the time didnt realize that we were to seperate entities and that he was capable of living life without me there. He assumed that I just had to be a part of him at all times. The best way to show that he has that indepenance is to let him walk to the door of the classroom say, ok mommy is going now and give him a hug and a kiss and walk away. Do not carry him to the door (which I still have a habit of doing lol) Let him hang his coat and other things, let him put his lunch away... I hope some of this helps.