Need a polite but firm response

[siobhang]

The other day, two very close friends of mine made a derogatory comment about someone they know who nursed her son to age 5 - basically "she is so lax a parent, her kid is still nursing! and he's in kindergarten!"

This couple are good friends of mine and they don't have kids. In general they are very pro-breastfeeding, but I know extended bfing kinda weirds them out - as it weirds a lot of people out.

They know I am tandem nursing my boys (mainly b/c I left "adventures in tandem nursing" on the coffee table) - but I know they don't put me into that category of "weird moms who nurse too long" (whatever that might mean).

I have no desire to get into a fight or say something rude or flippant.

Instead, I am looking for a positive but firm response about how nursing a kid to 5 isn't a bad thing.

Instead I did my "duh, um, wow, um, hey, who needs a refill on their soda?" response.

Any tips?

Sometimes I wish I had more of a backbone.

Siobhan

[jessjgh1]

Hmmm, maybe a simple, "before I had kids...."

Such as 'before I had kids, I really thought things that other people did were very weird and zany, but I've had to eat my words on several occasions'. I heard you say something that upset me about ..... because I interpret her breastfeeding as part of her nurturing nature and that her son will stop (naturally) when he's ready.

Jessica

[lactivist]

What about something along the lines of "I used to wonder about that too but after doing quite a bit of research I understand a lot better now" That puts it off on them to realize that there is research to be done and that we all can change our opinions. I wrote an essay about nursing my older child entitled "I never thought it would be me" that talks about how much I changed my mind about things.
Wendi

[coloradoalice]

I would just ask them questions like "So what is the appropriate age for a child to stop breastfeeding? Where did you get that information from? Have you ever done any research on the subject of extended breastfeeding? What is the harm in what she is doing? Do you know what the benefits of extended breastfeeding are? Do you know the consequences of weaning a child before they are ready? Then be ready with answers!:

Hit them with questions. Make them think. That's the problem with most people today, they don't know what they are talking about.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by coloradoalice

I would just ask them questions like "So what is the appropriate age for a child to stop breastfeeding? Where did you get that information from? Have you ever done any research on the subject of extended breastfeeding? What is the harm in what she is doing? Do you know what the benefits of extended breastfeeding are? Do you know the consequences of weaning a child before they are ready? Then be ready with answers!:

Hit them with questions. Make them think. That's the problem with most people today, they don't know what they are talking about.

: Lecture them about CLW. They sound like they have a lot to learn

[zoebird]

i would say something to the effect of 'it's normal for children who are supported in weaning themselves to continue to nurse until their 5th or 6th birthday. as long as the mother and child are happy and healthy, who are we to judge?'

in fact, i do say this. and i don't even have kids.

[laohaire]

I like the "I wondered about that too before I had kids, but when I researched I found ________" approach better than the lecture.

I for one had vastly different opinions about nursing back when I knew nothing about it (except what society had whispered to me). I know I would have been openminded if someone said that to me, but if they said something rude about me not having kids, or peppered me with questions in an obviously sarcastic way, I would be more focused on the rude interaction than on learning something new.

[velcromom]

I agree, a positive way to start talking about it is always to get on the same page as them by agreeing in some fashion & mentioning a shared experience. "Yes, I always thought that too...can you imagine how surprised I was when I learned..." is a softer lead-in than, "Actually, that isn't correct..." Depending on the situation and the person you are speaking with, it's a gentle way to stay on their side while at the same time pointing out deficiencies in their information.

[oliversmum2000]

how about killing them with facts, such as the avaerage weaning age around the world is 4 and that the WHO advises a minimum of 2 years of breastfeeding

[siobhang]

These are GREAT!!!

Thank you so much!!!

[ohiomommy1122]

If ZI wasnt in the middle of moving I could give you some great resources w/ book and research on when you SHOULD wean but I cannot find them in the mess right now but this is what was said in one of the book I read... BTW this was written by an anthropologist who is studiying breastfeeding as a biological and cultrural thing.... The question was when to wean?? The authour says the only thing he can base his research on is in the study of primates who is our closest ancestor. Primates breast freed thier offspring until the child has quadrupled (sp?) thier weight which for human children is about 5 years old so bases on that humans should breastfeed until 5!! Other research he did shows that because our offspring are born in such a vunerable state that we should breastfeed that long or longer to be sure our offspring has the propr nurtition. Breastmilk is smart and changes as the babies needs change this authour does not feel we would have survived at all if mothers stoppeed bfing sooner than age 5! Anbd as for the agruement on Cows milk, it should not be digestsed by humans AT ALL it does harful things to our bodies and is specially designed for A COW! If we were to drink any other mammals milk it should be a primates since they are our closest ancestor. The article also went on to say that humans were not even made to digest milk after age 7 and thats why we have so many problems w/ lactose intolorance its because our bodies were not masde to digest lactose at later stages. In many other cultures woman do breastfeed that long but in our cultre its freaks people out because so many ill informed doctors spew forth undocumented advice (plus they get kickbacks from formula companies) I do not trust doctors. I could gone on forever on this... like I said earlier I have a ton of books written by PHDs who spent their carreer studyinhg breastmilk but just dont have the sources while I'm moving to back them up. I could post them when I get the chance.

[Ellien C]

I like the cultural context argument myself.

It seems so weird in our culture to see older toddlers nursing, but then we hardly even see babies nursing. In some countries it's really quite normal for children to nurse until 3, 4 or 5. In fact, there is a lot of research to support the idea that children will learn things on their own without us forcing something on them. They learn to walk when they are ready and give up crawling. Some do it as early as 9 months, some as late as 15 months. Nursing is the same way, they give it up when they are ready, just like thumb sucking. We're just used to people "ending" it upruptly on some sort of schedule. Do you my neighbor had her DH take off 3 days of work so she could wean her son around 15 months. He needed constant distraction. Boy that was rough. Its so hard to do it when they aren't ready.

or sometimes the bottle/binky argument.

Yeah - it is weird to think of an older child nursing. But think about how many kids you see at that age with bottles or binkies. There must be some biological need to for kids to suck on things. I guess, before we had bottles or binkies kids nursed quite a bit later. ____ doesn't use binkies, so I guess it's natural that he wants to nurse.