Help with hostile family!

[WendyC]

I just found out I am pregnant again (yay!!) But I am terrified of telling my family. I had a very dramatic homebirth transfer with Ella (see here ) and the fall out from the transfer from all my family & my husband was 'birth is dangerous, you almost killed yourself, you almost killed your baby, you almost gave me/your husband/your mother/etc.. a stroke.' and so on and so on. I had resigned myself to going to an OB the next time - and secretly plan for an 'Ooops' UC. But I really do want my midwife there - she was so fantastic. I really wanted to experience the midwifery model of care, the thought of having to get glucose tests, ultrasounds, spread my legs in those cold stirrups... it all made me nauseous.

The cool part is, I wasn't focused on getting pregnant this month, but I was co-directing the play Birth, as part of the 'Birth On Labor Day' movement. My husband videotaped it that night, and my midwife spoke as part of the panel after the show. When she came down and we were chatting - I told her that Chadwick would never be ok with a homebirth again. Then he spoke up and said "No, its ok. I really get it now. I finally understand why you want that. As long as I don't have to be there, then go ahead and have a homebirth." I was SHOCKED! This was fantastic news!!!! I am not of the submissive wife variety (just to make clear) but I respect the viewpoint of my partner, and before he said this very shocking thing, he made clear that a homebirth again would be a dealbreaker with him. For his sake, because I love him- I would have honored that request. Also, the not being there thing, is totally cool. Why does he have to be there? Last time, he was annyoing, and distracting - I would rather give birth surrounded by powerful women. So that part of the bargin works great for both of us!

The next day I get a positive pregnancy test!!!!!

Since I can't have the rest of my family sit through a performance of BIRTH, the play - I am torn on what to do or what to tell them. I almost would rather lie. Avoid the question. Not tell them I am pregnant until AFTER I give birth. ANYTHING than have to face all the negativity that is bound to come my way. I am terrified.

Can anyone help? Shed some light on effective ways of communicating to a family that thinks I almost killed their grandbaby. Should I lie?

I will most definatly be back with my questions about how to overcome the obsticles I faced in my first birth - you guys are going to get really sick of me!

If anyone can offer some words of advice, it would help so much.

[Daisie125]

Honestly, in your case, *I* probably wouldn't tell the whole truth. Not because their fears are in any way correct, but just because I wouldn't want the stress for my whole pregnancy. I would just tell them you are seeing a midwife for prenatal care, and she will act as a doula at the hospital... then you can decide if you should tell them the truth after, or just have an opps homebirth.

I'm sorry your family is less than supportive.

[Emmeline II]

Wow; just read your birth story . No way would I tell anyone but your dh that you are having a home birth due to their reaction to the first time. I seriously doubt anything you say to them would help. I would also arrange for a looooooong appointment with your midwife to go through the birth "step by step" with your dh to demonstrate that you did not risk anyone's life and that things went as they should (mw did all they thought they could at home and recommended a transter). Though your transfer was loud and dramatic it does not appear to have been a "life or death situation".

[Full Heart]

After my transfer I told everyone but thats the kind of person I am. I don't care what anyone says. I do things for my children (thats why I am ap/crunchy) not for anyone elses comfort. When someone critizes what I do it gives me more resolve to do it. I'm antisocial like that

If you are that kind of person - tell them. If you aren't then don't. Its all up to you and what you want to deal with. Its your birth, do what you have to.

[Emilie]

I did not tell people I knew would not be supportive. IMO your birth is between you and if you choose your husband. I would not tell anyone. I would have a backup doctor and tell them about him.

I am so sorry for your other birth. Hugs to Chadwick and you and your dear dd.

I am glad you are doing better. My hb was very healing of my first hospital birth.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Depending on my mood and the personalities of those involved, I'd do one of two things:

1. Not tell unsupportive people at all, like others have suggested.

2. Explain to them that while the labor was difficult, it was not, in fact, life-threatening and it wouldn't have been any safer in the hospital. So there. (Obviously I don't know any more than what you posted, but it doesn't seem to me like anyone was at risk of immediate death in your transfer, it was more a transfer for exhaustion and pain relief than an emergency...maybe it wouldn't hurt to explain that?)

[AllisonR]

The biggest mistake I made was not lying. I told my family that I was going to HB after cesarean, with the little wish in my heart that they would understand me, support me, respect me, in other words love me the way I want them to love me.

Uhm, wake-up-call. People do not change because you want them to!

I am still paying the price with thier lack of interest in the info, lack of understanding, lack of support and total disrespect. In fact telling the truth has had bad consequences - I am hurt by their comments, I am no longer on "real" speaking terms with mom, dad or sis, but this fake, plastic, surface chatter only. I am so sad that my family "relationships" are really not there anymore. Lying might be helpful to you.

[AllisonR]

I just read your story. The OB was a sicko. However, something puts warning lights on for me. You wrote "I had a stenotic cervix (scarred cervical tissue that can’t dilate) I was 100% effaced, but only dilated to a 1."
When reading the rest of the story, we see how this affects you and the progress for the whole labor. Is this a permananet issue? I mean, if it is going to happen again, then actually I don't see how HB, or maybe any birth besides cesarean, is going to happen. Perhaps I am just ignorant, but it seems the only opening you did was via manual opening by your good mw. Is the scarred tissue still there?

[mary3mama]

We're simply not telling any of the family members that we intend to homebirth...until after. They won't understand and some of them will feel it is their 'duty' to harass us into seeing the folly of our ways.

Of course our eldest child, who is 7 and very articulate, knows of our plans and there is a very real possibility that he might inadvertently let out our secret...because he doesn't know we're not telling family. I don't want him to get the impression that we're doing something we shouldn't, and that's how he'd interpret a request to keep it secret.

If he shares, we'll deal...probably by not answering the phone until the baby arrives.

[WendyC]

Thank you so much for your great advice!

My cervical scaring should be gone now - in fact at my 6 week check my midwife felt my cervix and told me it was smooth and beautiful. (and inflammed... it was inflammed for about 6 months afterwards, I kept having to get it rechecked, but recently it was given a clean bill of health)

The reason I transferred is multi-faceted AND ABSOULTLY NOT Life threatening - of coarse, I was FINE, the baby was FINE - no amount of pounding that into my families head makes a difference.

So the reasons were -

A. I was pushing so hard that my cervix was in danger of tearing off
B. I had dialated to 8 after the manuel stretching, then pushed and closed back to a 4. (so - I CAN dialate, that wasn't my reason for transferring, I was just explaining)
C. I was GBS positive after a week of vaginal garlic rememdies - so I figured that if all that garlic didn't kill it, that I had some pretty harsh bacteria in there - AND my water had been broken for about 20 hours at the time of transfer - so time was getting a little tight, but that could have been easily fudged...

SO those are all kinda technical reasons why I transfered - but the REAL Number 1 deciding factor in all of that was -

My husband had a nervous breakdown. He was crying, begging the midwives to take me to the hospital, called the police to get a police escort to the hospital (thank god I didn't know that! I would have killed him!) The midwife said that she was managing to create some progress with the cervical swelling and that it was starting to open up some, but when Chadwick lost it, she knew she had to throw in the towel.

So basically - he can't handle birth. Next time - he will be at a friends house, hopefully smoking something to calm him down!

I am such a terrible liar. Can i really pull this off? Hopefully I can avoid the question, but I know they are going to pound it relentlessly.

Oi vey.

[Emilie]

your birth- your baby dear. thinking of you!

[velcromom]

Personally if I knew they'd just give me grief and stress I would meet every inquiry with the same answer over and over til they quit asking. I'd probably choose a phrase a lot like, "It's not up for discussion. So how's the weather lately?" Don't be bullied. It's your birth and has nothing to do with them, whatsoever.

Btw, that is incredible that your dh had such a change of heart after seeing the play!! I need to find a performance close enough to take my own dh to...

[Gray's Mommy]

That was quite a birth experience. I would definitely suggest working through some of the issues that surrounded Ella's birth with your m/w and Chadwick needs to be there to hear that it WASNOT life threatening.
YOU need to do what is right for you. If you feel that a hb is the right path to take, then start walking
I, personally, don't care what my family thinks of our planned hb. If they don't feel good with it, they aren't attending

[rachelagain]

I wouldn't really lie about it-- maybe just say "I learned alot through the last birth, I'm going to do things differently this time, and I have found some very good practitioners to work with." Do they really need to know any more?
With my first son we were sat down by my the ILs and they explained what I crazy idea I had and how hb might be ok for 2nd babies-- but definitely not the first! And I had been apprenticing with a midwife for several years- which they knew about.
smile & nod, smile & nod. :-)

[crunchy_mama]

I think rachel has a good reply. Dh's family is extremely hostile and there is no way in hell I am going to tell them. I would seriously be concerned that they would try to turn me in for abuse, or get my dr in trouble and harass me nonstop. So, I believe you know yourself and your situation, you have a right to do what you know is best. What amazes me is how in the world could they say that the hb caused those problems? Which are clearly not life threatening, I do hope that your dh reads and learns and realizes birth is a natural event and not something to freak about.

[BelgianSheepDog]

In addition to a long talk with the midwife, I would say your husband should probably see a counselor. Not necessarily long term, but maybe just a few sessions for him to process what exactly was going on for him last time and how he feels about what's to come. Because to say the dude flipped his lid is really putting it mildly. Police escort, wow. Even if he's not going to be there this time, better to process with a counselor because it sounds like it was really traumatic for him for some reason.