Okay, so last night dh and I got into a big 'ol argument over giving our 17-month old son time-outs. The situation was that ds kept pulling the towel off the kitchen cabinet even though dh kept telling him "NO". So finally dh said to him "if you do that one more time, you will get a time out!". And of course ds pulled the towel off again so off to a time-out he went for one minute. He was crying and I'm pretty sure ds totally did not understand why he was there and even what a time-out is. Well, he might understand but that still doesn't change how I feel about it.
So I have two problems with this...first, I think 17 months is just too young for time-outs for ANY reason. And secondly, I don't think any child should get a time-out for something as silly as pulling the hand towel off the door (as annoying as that can be). My dh thinks it's time for him to start learning what the word "NO" means and learning boundaries. Okay, fine, I don't have a problem with that, I understand about boundaries and all that, but a time-out at 17 months?? Am I just way off base here or do I have a valid point?
I'm hoping to get several responses to this so I can show it to him and say, "See, I told you so!!"
I agree that 17 months is way too young for time-out. My dd is 22 months and I have never attempted to use timeout with her and I don't see myself using it with her for at least 6 more months. I have used it with my now-4 yo but we didn't start timeouts until she was 2.5 years old.
The best technique to use for the situation you described is distraction. Simply engage the child in a productive activity instead of leaving him on his own to keep pulling towel off. (For example, give him a stack of kitchen towels to play with as he pleases.) And, really, if that is the worst a 17 mo baby does to get on his father's nerves, your baby must be well-behaved indeed.
Your husband might benefit from practice at picking his battles. It will become increasingly important from now on, to know what to fight about and what to just ignore. "Don't sweat the small stuff" comes to mind.
At that age redirection is the key. If your DH is just there saying, no, no, no and not giving the baby alternatives, to distract him, well of course he is going to keep doing it. He could have easily giving the baby another towel to play w/ or perhaps a plastic bowl and wooden sppon to help daddy, and let the baby bang away on the kitchen floor.
Redirection, distraction, and alternatives are the key.
If it was my DS, he would laugh like a hyena if you tried to put him in time out! He laughs when I redirect him away from things. A child that young cannot possibly understand the concept of time out. I would continue to point that out to your dh.
I feel for him in his frustration, but -- pulling down a towel? There's way worse coming; better just learn to let the towel go! Or put himself in time-out 'til he can deal with a toddler's natural short-legged curiosity.
We don't do time-out at all. It's a withdrawal of affection in our experience.
Originally Posted by shanesmama
Redirection, distraction, and alternatives are the key.
Yep! Tell him to think of it this way. Your 17 month old may very well want to stop pulling to towel off, but doesn't know what else to do. It is your dh's job to teach him what he SHOULD do, not just what he shouldn't.
And I agree, your son has no idea what's going on, just that it's very unpleasant.
At that age, if it really bugged me so much to have it yanked down, I would not hang it -- it's not worth the stress. (And it would -- I just went through this with a pair of kittens. They've abandoned that towel for pulling out the bathtub drain and stealing it.)
I agree about time out for dad! When people describe putting baby in the crib while the parent cools down, I think of that as time out for mom or dad -- not a punishment, but a break.
I am not completely anti time outs. I think I even used them when ds1 was just a few moths older than your dc. I don't know if I would make the same decision over again, though.
That said, I completely agree with the other posters. I would not use time out in this situation. Instead of uselessly repeating the same phrase "no, no, no," say it once and then back it up with action: move the towel, move the child, or give the child something else to do. At that age, babies don't have the impulse control to stop themselves.
Think about how much repetition babies need before they learn anything. How many times did they practice holding your hands before they walked on their own? By the same token, your ds needs a lot of repetition before learning a) that he's supposed to listen to you and b) how to stop himself from doing whatever it is. Would you punish a baby for not being able to walk on his own the first time his legs were strong enough to do so? Then why punish him for not understanding/knowing how to stop pulling towels off the counter? (which is really a lame thing to choose to get into a power struggle about)
I don't know if this will work for your babe, but it worked with my ds when he was the same age.
I let him do it until he got bored with it. Took about 2 hrs. He never did it again.
My theory is that he was learning about the way things hang and that he can make the towel not hang. At that age, everything they do is trying to figure out how the world works. And they're going to keep trying until they have learned what they want.
I agree with the previous posters but wanted to add that at 17 months your DS is probably not able to understand "If you do it one more time then...." more than likely his understanding of it was do it one more time end of statement. Even if a child has an excellent grasp of language if/then statements are very hard for toddlers to grasp!
Originally Posted by SneakyPie
We don't do time-out at all. It's a withdrawal of affection in our experience.
Agree with this completely!! I do not like time-outs at all and we don't do them anymore. We used to do them and DS reacted horribly to them. He has been so much better since we stopped.
And pulling a towel down is not even worth a discussion at our house. The kids are always pulling the towels off the rack in the bathroom and I just go in there and put them back up after they go out and get tired of their little tricks.
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