GD..Baby Q:Natural Understanding (DW) vs Forced (DH) & how to communicate

[ejmom777]

Okay Mamas.. Thank You all so much for your intelligence on the convincing DH yelling is not the way. But now it seems my other Q: has led me to this Q: Which I had orinally posted at the end of my other thread but I know this needs another thread bcause its a diffrnt Q: than the other title. I did get a response from sarahlyao wanting suggestions on this subject also .. I will copy & paste at the bottom.

(DS is 9 mo.)
DH thinks saying NO & teaching DS "You dont do/touch that" is the only way DS will ever Developmentally learn/understand what not do. And the "sooner" and "more" and occationally "louder" you say it.. the "sooner" DS will learn. He wants to be able to say "Elijah(ds) NO No" and Elijah realize that daddy saying No means "I need to stop what I'm doing." That (IMO) is teaching Elijah to "Obey".. nothing else.

DH thinks this is an effective method & he will do whatever he sees fit to get DS to "Obey" him and that I am underestimating his (dh) intelligence by asking him to read this great way of guiding and teaching rather than punishing & obeying (Following) that I have learned on these forums and links. DH thinks I am just trying to shove my views of things on him & not give him any say in the matter. So now he is strickly opposed to anything I want him to read.
I just want us on the same level. We have never talked about a parenting philosophy together.. until now that is. Why can't he see that I was/am trying to find out the best & effective way to teach our son with the utmost love & respect. Alot of mothers would just do to their children what was done to them blindfully without question of another/better way. - which is what lead me to do research of a better way bcause MOST parents use obeying & punishing methods & I have yet to see a happy peaceful loving family that uses these methods. I'm thinking I'm doing something good for our family while he is thinking I'm trying to get him to comply with "my way" of doing things. He would go full force with GD had he researched it & it were his idea. He is looking at my motives all wrong.
I agree with the fact that DS will learn not to touch something when his dad says no after a while.. but what will ds really learn?? He will learn that what he is naturally doing is wrong. And to obey daddy (for a short period)... what happens when ds starts disobeying daddy or when daddy isn't there? Did ds really learn anything at all?
Isn't it a natural part of the human mind to "disobey" & do things out of pure curiosity & free will? DS will eventually end up disobeying/using his own mind. Will DH then realize that we should redirect and not strive for obedience but for understanding. Or will he spank ds for disobediance? I don't agree with his mindset.

It is natural to explore things. Just because some certain thing DS is exploring ..(lets say.. he was banging on our glass door) could be broken or he could get hurt doesn't mean we should teach him what he is doing is wrong for him to do. (at this age. He is 9 mo.)
I think we should redirect him to bang on something else. Because what it says to him when we teach him NO is that when he bangs on something/anything it is wrong. Because at this age he wouldnt understand "ok .. I can bang on this but not that" . SO common sense says to redirect until he can developmentally comprehend. But DH says ds cannot possibly develomentally comprehend until you teach him (by telling him NO over & over) he can't bang on this. I also know that the more you say "NO" the less effective it will be when its really needed.

Does this make any sense?
Does anyone have a thought/suggestion on this?
Something that will make him understand "my way".. I'm kidding

Oh & I want to add that DH is a very loving father. So I'm not bashing him by any means.




Today, 11:30 AM #22
sarahlyao
New Member


Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: MD
Posts: 6 i could have written this...

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only my dh hates to read (english is his 3rd language & he reads very slowly) & he accuses me of trying to talk to him like a "mother" or "teacher: instead of like a "girl." i can't figure out how to talk differently so we don't talk.

good luck. i subbed hoping to get some help too.

sarah

__________________________
sarah, wife to H , SAHM to dd

[LynnS6]

gotta run here but one thing that you might try with dh is the following:

Say "Don't look over your shoulder!" What's his first response going to be? To try to look over his shoulder. Then tell him "look up there!" and point somewhere. Where is he going to look? Up there.

Then explain to him that this is what you are trying to do with ds -- that at his age (and at ANY AGE), it's easier to DO something than NOT do something.

Then I would suggest a compromise. Let him say "no!" (life will go on), but ask him to add what ds SHOULD be doing. So, "No, please be gentle" works too.

Will your dh go to a parenting class with you? Maybe you can find one that's "middle of the road" and it'd give you a forum for talking about your parenting ideas without him feeling like you're simply saying "Don't do this!" (Which, as I pointed out, doesn't work. So, tell him what you want him to do. )

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by ejmom777

Why can't he see that I was/am trying to find out the best & effective way to teach our son with the utmost love & respect.

And he is trying to do what -- use a worst method just for spite? No, really, he is trying to do the best he can for a child that is both of yours. I think you guys actually have a communication problem, not a discipline problem. Or, at least, not just a discipline problem. I would start by talking about what you both want for your child, and then find a way to achieve it that BOTH of you can live with and implement together.

DH and I did this by finding a good parenting class (one that you research perhaps, and are sure of the approach). That gave us a way to talk about these issues that wasn't "hot" at the moment. It was all theory when we talked, but then could be implemented as necessary.

At the very least, you need to figure out a way to get information for both of you to understand child development and what a 9 mo. old is and isn't capable of. Telling a 9 mo. old "no" is sort of like trying to teach a pig to sing -- not going to happen. He's too young to really remember what you say from day to day and doesn't have the impulse control to not do something even if he should remember that he's not supposed to do it. At the moment, its babyproof and distract and that's about it.

[meandk0610]

subbing here & adding

just wanted to mention that i have ordered the UP DVD & am going to try to get dh to watch it w/ me. he'll probably say "this guy's nuts" but at least it'll give him something to think about. maybe you could try that too?

hth,

sarah

[ejmom777]

Thank You Mamas
Very insightful.

I love all the advise & I would really like to go to a parenting class... Maybe a communication class to. : :

Sarah my dh would probably say the same thing. I think they go into these things either with the mindset to disagree & disect(sp?) everything..or they don't really try to listen or understand because they have a lot of pride.
And they probably wouldnt dare admit if they had listened & agreed. IMO

: :

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by ejmom777

Sarah my dh would probably say the same thing. I think they go into these things either with the mindset to disagree & disect(sp?) everything..or they don't really try to listen or understand because they have a lot of pride.
And they probably wouldnt dare admit if they had listened & agreed. IMO

: :

lmao! That sounds waaaay too familiar!

subbing...