"Raising your spirited child" - PART I: Understanding the Spirit

[dharmama]

Anyone else reading/read this and want to discuss?

I happened upon it at a book store a couple of weeks ago and OMG!!!!! -- what an amazing book! My pen is so busy highlighting while I'm reading because I can relate to SO much of it.

I've seen it mentioned in a few threads lately and was just wondering if anyone would be interested in going chapter by chapter and discussing.

http://www.parentchildhelp.com/Spiri...9/Default.aspx

[kindacrunchy]

Yes, I have read it. It was the only book that seemed like it applied to my child. I have been having phone consults with the author. She is great! I would be interested in a discussion. I don't know how much I will be able to keep up. I tried to get a tribe going but there wasn't much interest.

[newmainer]

I am currently reading this. I'd love a discussion. I'm finding lots of good insights, but also things that are not quite as easy as she lays them out. For example, i have just read the part where she talks about phrasing, and how if you add "okay?" or "woudl you like to..." to your requests than it implies a choice that isn't there. She says that if you state directly what you want, you get your message across and your kid is more likely to comply because they realize that there isn't a choice.

um, not at my house.

I dropped the "okay?" and all that stuff *months* ago, and while i think overally it is more effective, i still get flat out "no!" from my dd and other refusals. So, I'd be interested to discuss things like that- what we find that works and doesn't work from the book and sharing alternatives.

It was great to learn that by talking my dd is recharging her batteries- that was great to understand. I mean, it drains me like crazy, but at least i have an understanding now of kind of the underlying need there.

[dharmama]

It was great to learn that by talking my dd is recharging her batteries- that was great to understand. I mean, it drains me like crazy, but at least i have an understanding now of kind of the underlying need there.

Yeah. I know what you mean. Doesn't make it any less draining but there's still something about knowing why it's happening that helps.

I have been having phone consults with the author. She is great!

Very cool. I might consider doing that at some point too!

[Cate]

I have been meaning to read this book for ages... I even had it on hold from the library, but by the time I remembered to pick it up, they'd released it. I really gotta read it! I'd love to discuss it... I should go to the library and see if it's in.

[dharmama]

Maybe we could start the discussion next week (like Sunday or Monday) so that way if there is anyone who is interested they can get the book and start reading!

I was thinking we could go chapter by chapter or maybe group a couple of chapters together and share some responses to what we read...ask each other questions to try and clarify what we've read...talk about what's working (or not working) with our spirited kids etc.

[Mama Poot]

I just bought this book a few days ago. While a lot of it doesn't really apply yet because my son is only 13 months old, I am finding tools that help me deal better with his *intensity*. The best thing I've taken from the book so far is changing my own attitude and "internal dialogue" about my son. Instead of thinking "He's loud, annoying, clingy, etc...today" I try to reword those thoughts into "He sure has a lot of energy today!" And just overall trying to be more positive about my son and accepting him how he is, even if how he is is utterly exhausting on most days.

[kindacrunchy]

Can we start by telling why we bought the book?
I bought it in March or April. I had a baby in January and my sweet boy turned into a tyrant. Misbehaving like yu wouldn't believe. My husband and I never really dealt with this before so we didn't know how to handle it. I bought a discipline book written by Elizabeth Pantley (NCSS author) and things didn't help. We tried charts and time-outs (which I now know were a waste of time), etc. Then my friend suggested the book. I could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders as I read it. It helped me understand his temperment and mine. We have been having issues still but pre-school started and I think he has been bobred out of his mind. I haven't been able to engage him like I used to since I have another child to tend to.
Sometimes I am so frustrated because he takes so much of my energy that I feel I have next to nothing left for anyone else. He was such an easy going baby. Observing, taking it all in.
I could keep going but I'll save it.
Then after people start reading maybe we can introduce our spirited child?
I'm not trying to take over, I've just been waiting to be able to have a discussion with other mamas of spirited children.
Thanks Dharmamama!

[kindacrunchy]

Originally Posted by newmainer

For example, i have just read the part where she talks about phrasing, and how if you add "okay?" or "woudl you like to..." to your requests than it implies a choice that isn't there. She says that if you state directly what you want, you get your message across and your kid is more likely to comply because they realize that there isn't a choice.

I still say "ok" as confirmation that he HEARD what I said. But she does make a good point. For example, hubby and I are explainers. The longer we explain the more he thinks things are up for negotiation. If we cut it short and not present things as an option then he seems to cooperate. This has totally surprised me. As far as the would you like to...? We have been trying to get him to use the potty again for pre-school. Instead of asking we have said, "ok, let's go potty before..." and he seems to be doing well with that. If we asked, "would you like to go potty before..." he would say "No". I think it is a matter of finding what words work best in your family and starting to make realizations of how there are patterns to certain things. In the beginning I would have been saying what you are saying. Another thing is that if you are not one who deals with change well and neither does she, it will take time to get used to the change of how things are said and sticking to that. Sometimes, the cooperation happens right away and sometimes it takes time.
I think I'm babbling so I'm going to stop. Does it makes sense or help at all?

[dharmama]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

Can we start by telling why we bought the book?
I bought it in March or April. I had a baby in January and my sweet boy turned into a tyrant. Misbehaving like yu wouldn't believe. My husband and I never really dealt with this before so we didn't know how to handle it. I bought a discipline book written by Elizabeth Pantley (NCSS author) and things didn't help. We tried charts and time-outs (which I now know were a waste of time), etc. Then my friend suggested the book. I could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders as I read it. It helped me understand his temperment and mine. We have been having issues still but pre-school started and I think he has been bobred out of his mind. I haven't been able to engage him like I used to since I have another child to tend to.
Sometimes I am so frustrated because he takes so much of my energy that I feel I have next to nothing left for anyone else. He was such an easy going baby. Observing, taking it all in.
I could keep going but I'll save it.
Then after people start reading maybe we can introduce our spirited child?
I'm not trying to take over, I've just been waiting to be able to have a discussion with other mamas of spirited children.
Thanks Dharmamama!

GREAT ideas Karen! I'm nak-ing but will be back when I have two hands.

[Drummer's Wife]

subbing since I just started this book.

[royals95]

I would be interested in starting a discussion...I'm re-reading this book to gain more insight on my "spirited" toddler. Some of it doesn't describe DS, but most of it is spot-on! Now with DD starting to show some spirited behavior, I'm thinking I should buy it, instead of borrowing it every other month from my LLL lending library!

[sarahmck]

Aargh, a new edition is set to come out in December

I'd like to join in. I haven't read the book, but plan to.

I just went to Amazon to check out the price and see that there's a revised edition coming out in December. I don't suppose anyone knows anything about what the differences are going to be.

Anyway, I'll either buy the older edition or get that one from the library and wait for the new one. Either way, count me in.

[dharmama]

Originally Posted by sarahmck

I'd like to join in. I haven't read the book, but plan to.

I just went to Amazon to check out the price and see that there's a revised edition coming out in December. I don't suppose anyone knows anything about what the differences are going to be.

Anyway, I'll either buy the older edition or get that one from the library and wait for the new one. Either way, count me in.

Huh. Cool. Didn't realize she was revising again. I'll probably pick that edition up too when it comes out!

[blsilva]

I loved this book! I bought it because the cover- about your child being "more..." described my oldest so completely, and all my frustrating experiences with him, that I had to read it. Come to find out, I am a spirited mother of 2 spirited boys, living with a spirited dh. Yay. No intensity here. :
Anyway, I cried when I read it, because the more I looked at my son after reading various parts, the more little lightbulbs came on in my head, and I was able to say hey, my kid isn't doing these things to piss me off. He's just different. It also helped because I could identify why we clash so much. I went out and bought 2 other books by the same author, both of which have been helpful as well. She really seems to have an inside view of my kids, and that helps so much. I'd love to be able to have a real consultation with her. How did you do that?

[kindacrunchy]

She really seems to have an inside view of my kids, and that helps so much. I'd love to be able to have a real consultation with her. How did you do that?

She totally does. She has been helping me with my slow-to-transition kid to transition into pre-school. He's doing awesome! I haven't left him yet but I'm hoping it will be soon.
Go to her website: www.parentchildhelp.com to find out about consults

[loraxc]

I have this book, but I only skimmed it, about 6 months ago. I think I am due for a re-read. I'd be up for a discussion!

[dharmama]

Excellent!

And as to why I bought this book...

DS was born 4 months ago and it has been a wild ride with DD since then. She's super verbal and I thought we had prepared her very well for the "new baby" but I just totally got side-swiped by her intense emotional reaction to having to share me. Pre-DS, I thought DD was a spunky, fun-loving, slightly picky, often intese, but generally easy going kid. I basically just followed her lead and we mingled our way through our days at her pace.

But once I had to put some of my attention towards my newborn and I couldn't lie down with her for an hour and a half trying to help her settle down for a nap every single afternoon...her behavior intensified and every transition became a huge battle. I was so overwhelmed and was crying all the time and yelling way too much. I picked up a book a friend had handed down to me (Sear's Parenting the high needs baby/child) and couldn't believe how much it described DD. So a couple of weeks ago I headed to the book store hoping to find "something" more about high needs kids and found this book. The cover and the description of all the "mores" really jumped out at me. And I love the term "spirited" so much more than "high needs."

I'm reading with a pen and making notes like crazy in the margins....I'm really focusing on giving DD the language she needs to describe what she's feeling in her body and it's SO amazing what a difference it is making.

Really looking forward to getting to know you all and exploring this book together!

[dharmama]

Anyone want to introduce their sprited child???

Or are we all too busy trying to stay one step ahead of them??

[punkprincessmama]

I would love to join this discussion! I'm a spirited mama with a very spirited 3.5 dd, and a most likely spirited 14 month old dd as well. I'm currently re-reading Raising Your Spirited Child, with a hi-liter this time I find I get something new out of the book every time I read it, and now that dd1 is older there's lots that applies this time around that didn't when she was younger.

Our lives are one big transistion right now, so our days are pretty challenging. I'm hoping we can settle down soon.