"Raising your spirited child" - PART I: Understanding the Spirit - Page 3

[kindacrunchy]

Wow, Kelly!! I totally could have written your post!! I've been going to pre-school for 1 month since ds is slow to transition. Yesterday was his first day without me on the premises and he did GREAT!! I didn't dance in the parking lot but I could have
Erin, DS is a talker to hubby and I. He is an introvert so he doesn't say much in social situations. I did have a day where I needed to eat and DS was asking me ten million questions. I told him that I needed to eat and I needed some quiet so please don't say anything until after I eat and after that I will answer his questions. He was actually able to do it.
Do any of you feel like your DC is a non-conformist, thiks outside the box, dances to the beat of their own drum, etc. Lately DS has been doing some defiant stuff. i.e. urinating on the carpet because he is mad. We spoke to our pediatrician and he said something about oppositional defiant. I read up on it and don't feel that my DS completely fits the description but I also don't feel that he aims to please like so many people say that young children want to do. Not that I want him to be a pleaser but I would like to know how to motivate him without it backfiring on me somehow. Anybody else?

[maryjane]

So glad to see this post. I have ordered the book, but since I live out of the U.S., it may take a while for me to get it.

In the meantime, does anyone know if there's a copy of the assessment "test" on line -- it sounds like that would help me to know better what I'm dealing with.

In short, DS1 is 3+3months. Like so many of you, he wasn't particularly intense as a baby... or at least I didn't perceive it that way. Coslept, nursed, slung, etc.... he hardly cried, was very sociable, very alert, craved contact with me -- or other stand-ins when I wasn't available (i.e. never really sef-enteretained). He was NOT a good sleeper. He nursed all.the.time and took well to solids (at 8 months) when we let him feed himself. He was a "late talker" -- didn't start with 2 word combinations until 2 months after his 2nd birthday. He's also had some articulation issues. We worked w/ a speech therapist briefly. Now, he is completely conversational and never -- NEVER -- stops talking from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep. NEVER!

His brother was born 11.5 months ago. He handled his arrival quite well. Very loving. Really seemed to take it in stride. There was some aggression, but it came out in his preschool coop (three other moms and I rotated the kids for mornings) against the other children. Things got better, and then got worse again. Lots of pushing and hitting. I kept saying to DH that I "thought he had ADD" (half joking). Things got better again, and then he turned three. : He had almost no temper tantrums as a two, but as a three -- they are near daily occurances. He started preschool three weeks ago. He seems to be transitioning well, but I think the anxiety is manifesting itself in his old stand-by: aggressive behavior. It doesn't help that he's a big child for his age, so I think he also suffers from the assumptions that teachers/parents make about big kids.

The most spirited issues for me are his "aggression" and his "rashness". I know, I need to find ways to relabel these characteristics. But, in other ways, I think he's a very "easy" child. For example, he PT almost instantly. He'd been using the toilet at his own initiative for quite some time, but in April, we had a break from our co-op, so we decided to go cold-turkey on the diapers. After 4 days, he was completely trained -- including at night. He's a great eater, very open to trying new things.

Phew this got long. Anyway, I'll definitely be following and thanks for the great thread!

[loraxc]

Just wondering are all of our spirited kids big talkers???

I don't know--but mine sure is! I was just laughing noticing how many of us have a in our signatures!

This is a big week for us. I went back to work (mixed emotions there!) and DD started preschool. This week we are going half-time, but next week it will be full-time. DD was VERY excited for school her first day, but had a VERY hard time with the transitions. She kept telling me "I screamed and cried a lot". However, she was excited to go back again today, so we talked and talked to her about how things work at school, how she can ask the teachers to help her "say goodbye" to activities, etc. We also spoke with the teachers about her transition issues and gave them some tips. Well--today was MUCH better! They said she did not have a single meltdown (said they were able to ward off a few). Honestly, you could knock me over with a feather. : I am not expecting it to be smooth every day. But it sure was nice to pick up a happy girl from happy teachers today.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Mama Poot

He dislikes crowds of people, and at first appears to be antisocial. But when he is one-on-one with an adult or especially another child, he is lively, curious, excited, and in-your-face.

....

Originally Posted by newmainer

and oh, the talking! she *never shuts up.* we are in the thick of the "why?"s and it drives me batty. luckily, she responds ok if i tell her i need 5 min. of quiet (usually in the car) and if she talks i just say, "5 min." it really helps.

OK, so I do belong. For a long time I didn't think our older child was spirited, but these describe him to a T. He's quietly persistent (but not noisily so), and takes what I find to be an incredible amount of emotional energy from me. The one advantage he does have is that he transitions easily for small things (though not for big ones -- we just got him, at age 5, to give up sleeping in his crib!)

I love my son, but he is EXHAUSTING at times. Exhausting when we're out because he sooo needs to be near me to feel safe, and sooo exhausting when we're alone because of the INCESSANT questions. I too have resorted to the "I need 5 minutes." And the thing is, "why?" isn't just a conversation filler, he REALLY wants to know, and if our first explanation doesn't give him what he needs, he will persist until he gets a full answer. I keep expecting the why stage to go away, and after 2 1/2 years of "why", it hasn't. He's just added "how" to his repretoire.

And if he's not asking questions, he's got to involve me in whatever game is the focus of moment. "Do you want to ride the 2 car streetcar mom?" "Can you be the fire alarm?"

Our second is probably spirited as well, but in different ways. She's more noisily persistent and much more irregular. But I don't find her as emotionally exhausting.

[dharmama]

Interesting to hear all the similarities.

Do your spirited kids have sensory issues?

Mine does big time. I totally want to respect her needs but OMG. It can make me when I'm trying to get her dressed in the morning. Everything is too tight. Too scratchy. Too hot. Too yucky. Too ouchy.

She's even started making up "too's" like she'll say a dress is "too dressy" or pants are "too pantsy" -- which I have no idea what that means other than I better dig into the drawer and come up with another option.

She hates tight sleeves, turtlenecks, scratchy tags etc. Barely lets me brush or wash her hair and won't have anything to do with barrettes, elastics, bows etc.

Since she was a baby I have been cutting cuffs off of PJs. I did it without thinking...just desperate to get her to wear something to go to sleep. My mom was like why the heck are you ruining all of her clothes??? But it was totally just survival...I couldn't get anything on her otherwise.

[Feb2003]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

He is extremely bright and persistent. I read Kurcinka's book and I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. It wasn't how we parented him or that he was becoming a bad kid, it was jsut that he was "more" than other kids.
Aidan is:
Extremely intense but inwardly. He's not the yelling, screaming, kid. He is very introverted as well. He has always been very sensitive to loud sounds. Extremely perceptive. ... He has always been slow to warm up. His sleeping, eating, and elimination habits are unpredictable. He is totally high energy. Not hyper, just very busy. Always doing something. ...Very quick to reject and make up his mind that he won't like something. And mood, some mornings I jsut know it's going to be a rough day and I should probably stay home.

This is my son! He's 3.5 yo and ds2 is 14mo. I knew that I put a lot more effort into parenting ds1 than anyone else I knew, but it wasn't until I was trying to juggle 2 that life went into a bit of a tail-spin. ds2 is already showing signs of being at least spunky if not spirited. I haven't been on MDC in a while because I barely survive most days. Most people don't understand that...afterall, he's 3.5 and ds2 isn't a newborn, but whew, they exhaust me!

One issue I have is that I am spirited. I have the singular focus thing and that often makes juggling two difficult for me...I was used to and Reid was used to me parenting 150% before Grant and then it dropped to about 30% ds1/70% ds2 on a good day. I favored ds1 at first and would even let ds2 fuss while I tried to avoid a meltdown...then I read something Dr. Sears said about the first having a full cup and being able to ride out the transition to siblinghood, but the newborn's trust could be broken and it would affect our future relationship! The latter was unacceptable to me, but the former statement just wasn't correct for my spirited little man. I love this book! I'm re-reading it right now along with Playful Parenting.

I think my perspective is a lot better when I change to positive labels! Can't hurt them, either. I've even been re-phrasing other people's labels of their children in a nice, conversational way

gotta go, ds2 just woke up to nurse

BTW, ds1 has been a talker since he "talked" with signs at about a year...he wanted to tell me about everything we saw and still does!

[Cate]

Well, I finally got the book, actually picked it up from the library when it came in this time . Now I just have to start reading it . I hope I'm not too late... I still have to finnish reading the thread too.
We (dh and I) always thought that Jenna was intence, and high needs, and sprited... then Callum was born, and our world changed. Jenna is sedate by comparison. Jenna is intence, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic beyond most children.... but Callum is a whole new level that I didn't even know was possible. Jenna somehow managed to be all those things, but still somehow 'in control', tantrums were never an issue with her. Callum will flip out over the tinniest thing... he has a temper like I have never seen. He's also more attached that Jenna in some ways, but much less clingy, and certainly more outgoing.
Anyway, I should start reading the book, then I can comment more effectively. I look forward to discussing it with everyone.

[kindacrunchy]

Originally Posted by Feb2003

T I favored ds1 at first and would even let ds2 fuss while I tried to avoid a meltdown...then I read something Dr. Sears said about the first having a full cup and being able to ride out the transition to siblinghood, but the newborn's trust could be broken and it would affect our future relationship! !

Yes, I read this, too and it pissed me off!! Excuse my choice of words, but that is how strong I felt. First of all, I AP'd DS1 to a T so why wasn't he transitioning into siblinghood well? DS2 has been on the sidelines many times so I can manage DS1's behavior. I feel awful about it and resentful of DS1 because I feel like he sucks so much of my energy and it cheats DS2. What has been helping is a routine. A pretty detailed one. I never wanted to do this but it seems to be helping.I think what was so hard for DS1 was that life is so unpredicatable with a little one. Now he is in preschool and things are a little more predictable. Still have some issues to work out but things ar emuch better.
Should we start a tribe? It seeems like we are falling behind on the chapter discussions. It would just be nice to have somewhere to go to discuss our spirited ones. I have wanted to post a lot lately but just haven't had time.
What do you think?

[luchita]

Oh, I'm so glad I read this thread!! This sounds like exactly what I was looking for. I'd love the revised version, but don't think I can wait till December. I would like to be involved in a discussion of the book if we can get one started.

[dharmama]

Thanks for bumping this mama. Sorry I've been slacking on my own thread.

I'm weaning my spirited toddler and it's going great but I haven't had much time to sit and get on the computer...or really to sit at all!

Keeping extra active is helping us a lot!

More when I can....

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

Yes, I read this, too and it pissed me off!! Excuse my choice of words, but that is how strong I felt. First of all, I AP'd DS1 to a T so why wasn't he transitioning into siblinghood well? DS2 has been on the sidelines many times so I can manage DS1's behavior. I feel awful about it and resentful of DS1 because I feel like he sucks so much of my energy and it cheats DS2. What has been helping is a routine. A pretty detailed one. I never wanted to do this but it seems to be helping.I think what was so hard for DS1 was that life is so unpredicatable with a little one. Now he is in preschool and things are a little more predictable. Still have some issues to work out but things ar emuch better.
Should we start a tribe? It seeems like we are falling behind on the chapter discussions. It would just be nice to have somewhere to go to discuss our spirited ones. I have wanted to post a lot lately but just haven't had time.
What do you think?

A tribe sounds awesome. I just keep lurking, not much posting for now, just soaking it up.

[dharmama]

Should we start a tribe? It seeems like we are falling behind on the chapter discussions. It would just be nice to have somewhere to go to discuss our spirited ones. I have wanted to post a lot lately but just haven't had time.
What do you think?

sounds good to me

[ent_mom]

:

...still catching up on this thread