How do I maintain control??

[~Kristina~]

I'm having a heck of a time lately with my 4 and 3 year old. I was spanked as a child and I don't want to spank my kids. But I just don't know what else to do. HELP!!

[rmzbm]

IMO, control is an illusion. You can't really control anyone & why would you want to? You can make them obey out of fear but that, obviously, is wrong. It is good you want to break the spanking habit. At this age really redirection & simplicity are key. It will get better soon but, for now, just try to keep things positive (you can... - instead of- stop...) and redirect, redirect, redirect!

[Fiddlemom]

been there!!!

Time outs (no flames please!) have been moderately useful for short periods of time. Time outs for myself are even more useful! If I could remember I would say, we both need a time out! Do you want to go first or me? My kids love putting me in a time out. However, like a lot of people on this board, they have proven themselves not to work in the long run in our family b/c the behavior just keeps happening.

One thing that has been helpful and helped everyone to redirect has been a chart that has columns for date, parents' initials, child's name, what happened, what the consequence was and how the child felt about it. Then I can go into investigative reporting mode and it helps me get myself back together a bit, and it also is rawther boring for the child involved (kind of aversion therapy) and does help them to stop and think about what they did, and what happened as a result.

Every time I go into control mode it turns into a gigantic power struggle and doesn't actually make the peaceful more contained experience happen. When I'm going for control it's usually because I'm afraid of something...that I will blow my stack if they don't stop doing whatever it is; that one of them will get horribly injured; that people will think I'm a bad parent; and sometimes it's because I've already lost my cool and gotten really angry.

I've been trying to shift my paradigm to guidance, instead of control. I've thought a lot about how my own childhood could have been a lot different if my mother hadn't felt it was her job to control us and, in her case, keep us from reflecting badly on the family. I still struggle with this, of course! But over time I'm becoming more comfortable with letting my kids feel the consequences of their own behavior (short of hitting, biting, name-calling, etc.! never OK!).

Asking questions can help me--like, what do they need? what is going on in their lives? what did they just eat? etc--of course, if I'm about to lose my temper, I can't be that mindful.

Another thing that is helping me is to learn to notice when I'm starting to lose my temper. What are the signs? What seems to cause it (forget to eat? haven't sat down to rest in 4 hours?)? I almost never do anything truly effective or beneficial to anyone, esp myself, when my temper starts to blow. So I've practiced a lot and hopefully have gotten a bit better.

And thank goodness they also grow out of a lot of stuff.

hope some of this was helpful!

[~Kristina~]

Oops, I should have been more clear. I want to maintain control of myself. I know I can't control them! lol I'm tired of loosing my temper and would like to better control myself.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by ~Kristina~

Oops, I should have been more clear. I want to maintain control of myself. I know I can't control them! lol

Ahhh...well, that makes a difference, LOL! I won't even TRY to advise there as I am pretty hot headed myself! (Thank God DH is calm, lol!) I just make a conscious effort to control myself - WAY easier said that done, too...but, as I see it, there's no other alternative. I am just not naturally calm and patient. It's a constant effort & that's OK.

Maybe I can pick up some good tips in this thread too then!

[heartmama]

Hi! I suggest reading the sticky at the top of the forum that describes ways to respond to behavior issues without punishment. Sometimes knowing you have tools to handle situations as they arise reinforces your own self control.

[Fiddlemom]

Originally Posted by ~Kristina~

Oops, I should have been more clear. I want to maintain control of myself. I know I can't control them! lol I'm tired of loosing my temper and would like to better control myself.

Kristina! this makes a big difference I'll try to respond later when I'm more awake myself.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by ~Kristina~

Oops, I should have been more clear. I want to maintain control of myself. I know I can't control them! lol I'm tired of loosing my temper and would like to better control myself.

Sometimes "controlling yourself" and "not trying to control the children" do go hand in hand. Are you getting angry at them because you have unrealistic expectations of them?

Are you respecting your own limits? Are you telling the children calmly "please play quietly in the kitchen or loudly in the playroom, but you can't play loudly in the kitchen" or are you trying to tolerate their noises in the kitchen until it's just too much for you and you explode with "stop DOING that in here!!!"?

Are you "forgetting" to eat? It's hard to be emotionally calm with low blood sugar or subtle malnutrition.