What do you do when they throw a FIT?

[todzwife]

I mean a full on screaming, spitting, wailing awful fit? DS JUST started doing this (maybe he learned in church nursery?) but it really is horrible. They can last 30+ minutes and I'm not sure what to do with him! I've tried ignoring him completely, which didn't work-he just comes up closer and screams in my face. I've tried putting his nose on the wall "you need to stay here until you can be happy because you are hurting mommy's ears". I've tried putting him in his room (door open). I've tried talking him down...NOTHING works. I don't want to smack him, but being raised that way it's the first thing I think of- isn't that awful! I control myself enough that he doesn't get a spank, but it's hard...and I need a better plan!

Can someone enlighten me? I was raised in a very spanking friendly environment so GD Is something I really want to do.

[Attached Mama]

my dd is too young for that yet so i'mprob not the best to answer but...

is he overtired? something bothering him overall? eating more sugar or artificial colors? can you calm him b4 he gets that upset? just some thoughts. maybe you have already thought of all that stuff.

maybe talk to him when he is calm about why he does that and what he thinks would help prevent it or calm him when he feels that way. keep up the no spanks! i was also raised in a spank for everything environment.

[todzwife]

Yes! He is tired. He's transitioning from having a nap to dropping that nap so its really hard. I try to get him to take a short nap earlier (like at 11 AM) but sometimes it doesn't work and by 4 he has a complete meltdown. It's SO hard but I tell myself that he can't really help it because he IS tired.

[cmb123]

I can relate. I was raised in an environment where that kind of thing was not tolerated at all. I have always wanted my children to be able to express what they are feeling without being punished for it, and learning to just stuff it all like I did.

When my kids did this I would try to just provide a safe environment for them so they wouldn't hurt themselves. I also would try to acknowledge thier feelings with words, because I always felt that would help them later on to be able to verbalize some of thier feelings instead of using fits(i.e. "You're angry that so-in-so took the toy you wanted to play with. It's hard to wait for a turn sometimes" or "you really wanted to go to the park today didn't you, you're really disappointed" ). Depending on the situation, I sometimes would just rub thier back or hold them if they let me.
The hardest part for me was always getting over my internal reaction that I wanted to stop them, and also my gut reaction that they "shouldn't" be feeling whatever it is they are feeling. Of course I know that's not true, but those are the initial reactions I feel as a result of how I grew up.

[ShaggyDaddy]

If you have tried everything I suggest trying nothing. One boy we watched really wanted to cry sometimes. He would get more mad if we tried to help him feel better. He just wanted to have a melt down so he could get it out of his system. I dunno it makes sense to me, sometimes I wanna have a good cry too.

Eventually it got to where we would ask him to go to the bathroom where he could cry and not wake up the other kids or cause a disturbance or whatever. He would cry into the mirror and kind of make faces, and see how pitiful he could look.

It sounds like CIO, but it really was just a facilitation of him expressing his frustration in a non-violent way that was satisfying to him.

generally it went something like this:
Whats wrong?
Wuahhhhhhhhhh
Are you hurt?
No wuhahhhaha
Do you need something to eat or drink?
wuhhhhhhhh
can I give you a hug to make you feel better?
No!!
Do you just need to cry some to feel better?
yeah Wuahhhhhh
If you go in the bathroom and shut the door you can be as loud as you want.
Ok
We will be out here doing (whatever) you can join us when you want to.


It seemed weird to me at the time, but the more I look back on it, the more it makes sense to me. He didn't really need me, he needed to express his anger/frustration/sadness and he just wanted to do it by scream crying.

I think we have all been there where you just want to be left alone (not forced alone) so you can have a good cleansing cry.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

If you have tried everything I suggest trying nothing. One boy we watched really wanted to cry sometimes. He would get more mad if we tried to help him feel better. He just wanted to have a melt down so he could get it out of his system. I dunno it makes sense to me, sometimes I wanna have a good cry too.

Eventually it got to where we would ask him to go to the bathroom where he could cry and not wake up the other kids or cause a disturbance or whatever. He would cry into the mirror and kind of make faces, and see how pitiful he could look.

It sounds like CIO, but it really was just a facilitation of him expressing his frustration in a non-violent way that was satisfying to him.

generally it went something like this:
Whats wrong?
Wuahhhhhhhhhh
Are you hurt?
No wuhahhhaha
Do you need something to eat or drink?
wuhhhhhhhh
can I give you a hug to make you feel better?
No!!
Do you just need to cry some to feel better?
yeah Wuahhhhhh
If you go in the bathroom and shut the door you can be as loud as you want.
Ok
We will be out here doing (whatever) you can join us when you want to.


It seemed weird to me at the time, but the more I look back on it, the more it makes sense to me. He didn't really need me, he needed to express his anger/frustration/sadness and he just wanted to do it by scream crying.

I think we have all been there where you just want to be left alone (not forced alone) so you can have a good cleansing cry.

: ShaggyDaddy, I'm SO glad you started coming here to the GD board! Always enjoy your input.

ETA: ...and, if he won't go into the bathroom (or wherever), and doesn't want a hug, etc., etc., I'd just say something like: I know you're upset, I'm sorry. You don't seem to want any help. My ears are hurting right now, so I'm going to to go to x room, come on in when you want to talk and have a hug. But I wouldn't do the nose on the wall thing; I don't think he should be punished for an overtired tantrum (I don't like punishments much at all, actually), BUT, you also don't have to be held captive if he won't accept any help from you. So, I'd offer help, but if he doesn't want it, I'd ignore the tantrum (but not ignore him, if he starts trying to communicate with you)...does that make any sense at all?

[mamabeth]

a few things...
one, he is almost 3.5. This is quite a tough age...I have one myself. They are in a big transition and it is so frustrating for the mama (and papa, and everyone else).
two, when my dd throws a fit, if she is kicking at me and screaming I remove myself from her (if we are in the house) and tell her in a calm voice that is not okay and when she calms down then I will be able to talk to her again. Then leave the room. If it's not an option to leave, I take her out of the situation until she can calm down enough to look at my face and listen to me, and take some deep breaths. If none of that works, I take her home (if we are out) and that calms her right down if I actually do what I threaten. If we are home, I try to get her onto her bed without being violent (hard sometimes!) and occasionally (esp when she was a bit younger) she would fall asleep.

edited to add that I don't leave the room or take her to her room unless I've tried holding, talking, etc and she is becoming physically violent. These are sort of last-resort stuff.

hope that's helpful, I'm still trying to figure it out myself! The most important thing dh and I have learned is to be calm ourselves even if you are freaking out inside. It's SO hard but really helps. Take care mama.

[daniedb]

If you're doing all you can to address the tired issue, and you feel as if you've exhausted your other resources, and that the "fit" is going to happen anyway, then sometimes, like ShaggyDaddy, I see it as a healthy expression of overwhelming emotion. At this stage, (he's just about the same age as my boy), there is SO much happening in their heads and hearts that they are totally overcome sometimes, and there's just not a lot anyone can do to make it feel better.

I try to think about times that I, as a 30 year old grown-up, get overwhelming emotions, and sometimes, I just have to cry to feel better, even when nothing specific is wrong...I just get overwhelming emotions and have to let them out...why would a child be any different? It helps me be patient and have empathy for Henry when I might get frustrated...I can relate to how full he must feel of emotions and how released he he will feel when he's finished.

[sdm1024]

My son responds well to being held. I sit on the floor with him straddling my lap. I say something "You sound so angry...it's just so hard when you're mad and feel that you can' do......." and he usually calms down.

Oh, and his fits can be awful, horrid fits where he writes on the floor screaming.

[Godiva]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

If you have tried everything I suggest trying nothing. One boy we watched really wanted to cry sometimes. He would get more mad if we tried to help him feel better.

My dd does this too. She's only 9 months though so I can't talk to her but she'll throw a fit and if I hug her or talk to her or kiss her.. whatever, she just pushes me away and cries harder. I end up just gently holding her (without making her feel confined) and look her in the eyes til she's done so she knows I'm listening and that I care. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to do nothing.

[peacelovingmama]

One thing that seemed to work for us was to give words to my child's frustration/anger/sadness/whatever he was feeling. So, for example, if he really wanted a cookie and I had told him no, he might start screaming. With as much empathy as I could muster, I would state his desire in simple terms, like: "Sorin is sad! Sorin really wants a cookie!" It certainly doesn't mean that I gave in and handed over the cookie, but it always seemed to help him that I understood what it was that was making him so upset.

Other times, I would hold him or make sure he was safe and let the fit run its course. I don't give in but I also do not punish for overwhelming emotions. He is 4 now and hasn't had a fit for a very long time. He is much more apt to just say "I am angry because I can't have x." Now just waiting for DD to start having tantrums!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

: ShaggyDaddy, I'm SO glad you started coming here to the GD board! Always enjoy your input.

I just wanted to second this . I really find ShaggyDaddy's posts helpful. I'm glad he's coming to this board, too.

[MtBikeLover]

My son is the same age and I tried something new this weekend. He woke up in a terrible mood Sunday. i tried to help him calm down, but nothing I could do helped him. By that point I was frustrated and hungry so I took a mini timout to eat something, recharge and then I went to him and just held him in my arms and rocked him back and forth, talking in a quiet voice. Within 2-3 minutes, of me acknowledging how he felt and just sitting quietly with him, he calmed down and we had a great day.