Temper/Anger/Frustration issues...therapy?

[SomedayMom]

I don't know how to word this exactly, but I'll give it a try.

I have a beautfiul 21 month old son who is the entire world to me. I have given a lot of thought to how I want to raise him and I've always known that I want to be a gentle parent. I do not believe that spanking and screaming are ever OK. I've read Kohn and I've read Becky Bailey and those books spoke to me. That's what I aspire to.

The thing is that there is some deeply rooted instinct that is in total opposition to what I KNOW to be right and wrong here. I can see SO much of my dad in me. Now that I'm an adult I can see that he is really a kind, gentle person 95% of the time. He really is. I watch him with my son and I know that for years I was wrong about him. But the thing is that he has an explosive temper. Not to the point of being abusive exactly, but to the point where the handful of times I was ever spanked as a kid or screamed at were out of this explosive temper that I seem to have inherited. It takes everything in me not to scream or slap my son when I am completely frustrated, and like my dad, the VAST majority of the time I don't even get a little frustrated. The VAST majority of the time I'm pretty calm and zen about everything. But I'm scared. I've already started to spank him and stopped myself in sheer horror, but I'm scared that one day I might just keep going. And that isn't OK. It's not even close to OK. I want to stop that before it starts.

So, how??? It can take me a good 20-30 minutes to calm myself down at my worst moments. I feel like I need to change that deep gut instinct. Can I? Can I prevent my son from having this temper? Do you think this is learned or is it deeper than that?

Has anyone been through therapy for anger issues? Where do I even begin to look for someone good at that?

I am having a rough day today. I had to leave my son playing in his room and give myself a time out. It worked, but I hate that I felt the way I did, and I hate that it takes me so long to calm down. I'm very lucky that DS is happy playing on his own, but I don't like leaving him like that just because I'm screwed up.

[Roar]

I think it is good that you are seeking out help and I can tell you are a good mom who really cares about her kid.

I'd like to suggest the book When Anger Hurts your Kids. http://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hur.../dp/1572240458

As far as therapy, I think it is a great idea. You sound motivated and I bet you would find you felt much better after getting some help. You can ask around to see if mom friends have used a therapist for any reason or you could ask your primary care physican for a referral. You don't to specify why or you could say "anxiety and anger" or whatever you want. I don't think the problem you are describing is at all unusual and I bet you wouldn't have trouble finding someone with experience to work with. When you get some names suggested (or if you pull them off your insurance list) you can call and very briefly describe your problem and ask what experience they have working on this issue, etc.

[honeybee]

Your post really resonated with me. 98% of the time I am Zen mama, and then all of a sudden, SNAP!

I have actually hit ds1 twice, and I feel horrible about it. The first time was in "mama bear" protection mode, because he bit my newborn baby (on the diaper, baby didn't even twitch, but I was scared to death). That was pretty much a reflex action, and although I regret it, I don't worry about it so much (he never bit the baby again, btw). The second time I was frustrated and after getting kicked several times while trying to change him, I smacked his leg.

I don't think there's a lot of point in spending a lot of time in guilt zone. Hitting his leg did teach me something. I realized that if even I, a calm, rational, pretty patient adult can "lose it" and hit when I'm frustrated, how much harder must it be for ds? I have been better able to empathize with him and look for other solutions since then.

I've also tried to figure out what my trigger points are and avoid or prevent those situations. Carving out some time to myself makes a big difference...and then I refuse to feel guilty for leaving the baby and toddler with dh for a couple hours while I take a bike ride or whatever. Praying for patience and guidance also helps.

I think you did absolutely the right thing by giving yourself a time out when you needed it. And, be proud of the fact that you ALMOST hit your dc... you didn't ACTUALLY hit, which means that despite 2-3 decades of cultural conditioning in lashing out when upset, you STOPPED YOURSELF. I think that means you will be even LESS likely (not more likely) to hit your dc in the future.

So, spend your energy on finding your triggers and look for ways to minimize them. Come up with a plan for dealing with your anger when it manifests (which it sounds like you've done already), and plan some ways to cope with your dc's most problematic behaviors that set you off. Then forgive yourself for mistakes. None of us are perfect.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by SomedayMom

Not to the point of being abusive exactly, but to the point where the handful of times I was ever spanked as a kid or screamed at were out of this explosive temper that I seem to have inherited.

I want you to consider that you haven't inherited this anger, you have been exposed to it and learned it. That is different from inheriting it which would make it much harder to shed.

I think it's great that you are exploring this and I think that therapy can be very beneficial. So can reading books, practicing meditation and lots of things. One of the very first things you can do is learn to identify your triggers - the things that are sure to piss you off royally. I know that it can be helpful to know others triggers (helps to identify your own) so I'll tell you mine:

Being interrupted from a task
Not being listened to (which I equate with not being taken seriously or not being respected)
Whining

I'm sure there are others but these are my biggies. I am cool, calm and collected if my daughter sticks her tongue out, or is sassy, or screams. I would literally feel my teeth on edge when she would whine, it was very hard for me to control myself from yelling at her.

Once you identify these triggers, you can practice calming strategies. The one that works for me is to count to 10. Another is my mantra "she is a baby, she is a baby".

Good luck to you.

[SomedayMom]

I want you to consider that you haven't inherited this anger, you have been exposed to it and learned it. That is different from inheriting it which would make it much harder to shed.

That's actually my biggest hope. That if I can change this, my son won't learn this and it can stop. I know my dad's father was quite abusive, and I know he made great strides to do better. I hope I can be the one to end it, for my son's sake, for my future grandchildren...


Anyway, I do know that one of my biggest triggers is when he fights sleep. For some reason that is the only thing that really gets me, and I'm sure it has more to do with me than him. I've really been working on dealing better with that sleep issue.

I appreciate all of the information from everyone! This is SO important to me and I'm trying to learn more so I can do better!