Running Away: need strategies to deal

[honeybee]

Ds1 is in a running away phase. Ask him to come to you for any reason, and he runs away. He delights in playing chase. At home, it is a nuisance, but I just try to take a deep breath and calmly get him.

But, when we're out and about I feel it's a safety isue. Once, as he was about to get in the van (seeming very cooperative), he abruptly turned and started to run in the opposite direction. Luckily, dh grabbed him.

Any ideas how to deal with this?

[heartmama]

I would limit the places I went until I felt he could comply with some basic agreements about behavior in public.

You might try practice sessions at home. Pretend to visit a "store". Let him act out safe choices.

Some idea's that come to mind when you must go out:

Hold Hands

Have him ride in the shopping cart

Use a stroller

Use a sling or backpack if he still fits

Consider a wrist connector

[dflanag2]

I need suggestions, too...

DS is two and I just has DD who is 3 weeks... DS loves to be chased, and is also very independent and likes to run around. He is usually pretty good at staying with me when near potentially dangerous places (the road); he is only willing to hold hands when actually crossing the road, and when in the parking lot, and only after verbal review (still in carseat, I remind him he needs to hold my hand in the parking lot, etc.)

Sometimes he decides to just do what he feels like doing instead of doing what I ask. He is only able to escape in relatively 'safe' places, like inside a store, at the park, etc. I try to aviod chasing as much as possible since he obviously loves it, so I try to wait until he returns. This is working for us right now, when I have the time. I will say it is time to change diaper/get dressed/wash hands and he will immediately drop whatever he is doing and hide under the dining room table (loads of fun to pull him out when I was 9 months pregnant!!!) So I just go to the changing table in the powder room and sit on the toilet seat and say, "I'll wait here until you are ready to have your diaper changed." He usually comes over within 1-2 minutes. I use the moment to meditate and clear my head, look out the window or something. (Obviously Second Baby is either asleep, or I've put her in the swing in preparation for DS's diaper change...) I use this at nap/bedtime, too. I say, "I'm going up to your room to read (book). Come up when you are ready to read and lie down to rest." He is rewarded with my attention when he arrives which is why I think it is working.

My other suggestion is to play chase and maybe that would satisfy your toddler's need to be chased? You would have to be specific about whether it is chase time or not.

The part I am having most trouble with is after I catch him when I NEED to chase him, for instance outside. I insist at that point that he must hold my hand because I cannot trust him to not run away. He does the melting thing and then he is dangling from my hand, unless I cannot hold on, at which point his hand slips from mine and he falls to the ground. Either way he refuses to walk, and dragging him doesn't fit my definition of GD

Then I end up carrying him, which is especially difficult b/c a) gave birth 3 weeks ago, b) I often have infant in sling, and c) he weighs 35 lbs! We talk about it, but it continues to happen, at this point it makes me angry and I am very frustrated that nothing I say seems to get through to him. (He is highly verbal and we debrief stuff all the time with great results.)

It isn't so much a safety issue so much as I need a way to convey, "you must come with me now, it's time to leave," without the wrestling match. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

-dflanag2
NAK

[honeybee]

I certainly know the feeling of having the baby in the sling and then needing to grab the toddler. My baby weighs 20 lbs. and the toddler weighs 30. I just try to think of it as a great workout. <sigh>

I just hope this running away stage stops soon.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

How about teaching "stop" or "freeze" or "red light"? I used STOP but FREEZE is closer to the game, and maybe easier to teach because of that. This is the one and only "command" that I expect (and get) instant obedience with. You could start with the game of red light / green light or maybe freezetag or something similar. I would also say STOP and, if they didn't stop, I would wrap my arms around them and hold them still. Clearly you need to be very close when you practice!

I have explained that when I use this particular word, it means there is something dangerous and I need them to stop right away. I always explain, after the fact, what the danger was and how proud/pleased I am that they stopped when I asked.

Now that DS is into Harry Potter I use "immobilis" (or however its spelled) and I get the same result.

[The4OfUs]

I have a runner too, so I feel your pain...he's finally just starting to come out of it, but only in the past month, really. I work with him, I've tried numerous times to teach him "stop & go", Freeze, etc., and it just hasn't sunk in. : Oh, he'll say the words and laugh with delight when I do it with him and model it for him, but when it's my turn to say the words and him to freeze, and I gently try to show him what stopping or freezing means, he's just not interested.

Sooooooo, basically, I remind him EVERY time we're in the car that he MUST hold my hand in parking lots and until we get into the shopping cart. AND, when getting him into the car after shopping, I don't totally let go of his hand until he's well into the car and my body is blocking the door, so he can't get out. This is one situation where I will not take a chance and test things out until he's shown me at home that he can stay close to me and not run off. He seems to do OK on sidewalks around the neighborhood now, but in parking lots he still isn't able to control his impulse to run. So, I just don't give him the opportunity. I hold his hand as he gets out of the car seat, and don't let go until we're in the store, and then have him hold onto the cart until I'm ready to put him in, or go back to holding his hand and get the cart ready one handed if he lets go of the cart more than a couple times...I'm sure I'm quite a sight sometimes with DD strapped to me in the wrap, DS holding one hand wiggling around, and me plopping stuff in the cart with the other hand. He occasionally gets a "test run" walking next to me in stores, but even that is sketchy so he's in the cart about 95% of the time.

Unfortunately, it takes more thinking up front and being conscientious to ALWAYS have his hand before out of the car or before leaving the store, but that's the only way I've found I can make it work. And honestly, I've been doing it for so long now that I don't even have to think about it, it's just second nature to take his hand immediately in the car, and immediately as we're exiting a store.

So, we keep working on freeze games, on staying next to mommy, and listening when I call for him while we playing at home; but in public, it's not a situation I'm willing to test out, so he's either holding my hand, or in a cart/stroller. He's too heavy for me to carry more than a minute or two, and hates being carried anyway, plus I always have DD strapped to me and carrying BOTH of them would bust my back in about a minute flat.

I read here a while ago about using those link-a-doo things, and those work OK sometimes - I link a few together and he holds onto that instead of my hand and it gives him a little more leeway and he feels a little more in control, but he's only good at doing that in stores for about 5-10 minutes, then he's off running, so we only use that in stores, not in parking lots. Others have suggested a length of ribbon or something similar, but that will only work if your child doesn't let go of their end, which mine ultimately does.

The good news for me is that he loves shopping carts and tolerates the occasional stroller ride, and rarely throws a fit holding my hand....I count my blessings for that, seriously. Soon, I keep thinking, soon......

[littlehawksmom]

One thing I always did (besides prevention, attention to timing and needs and more prevention) was let him know that if wanted to go somewhere, he needed to ask me and we would always go and check it out. Sometimes for ten minutes, sometimes for one. So I think he began to trust me that I took his needs seriously. This was not always convenient, but small children are not 'convenient'. This strategy took many repetitions and reminders, but I found it really worked.
Of course this was before dd came along.when I had more time and more patience.
But really I was the mama running around and zipping past the other moms chatting while their kids played on the equipement. And it isn't like that anymore (except that now dd is walking)!
Hang in there.