DS *Rules* our house.

[newmommy]

I say to myself "how can a 3 year old have total control over a household"...it's true, he does.

He rules with his Tantrums and Complete Meltdowns. DH and I cannot have a conversation without DS getting p!ssed because the focus if OFF HIM.

Everytime we go to WalMart, he HAS to have a .99cents HotWheels car, he remembers where they are located and if you do NOT get him one, he will scream and have a meltdown (like yesterday) and DH and I really needed to buy grocery...so we caved and bought him one to ADD to the other 100 HotWheel Cars he has.

It's the only thing that calms him down...HotWheels Cars. He is passionate about them...

But we cannot go on like this...giving in to his demands when he can't get WHAT he wants WHEN he wants. We are at our wits end with this child. You ask him nicely NOT to do something (sticking objects in the DVD player) HA! he does it ANYWAY.

His Tantrums makes me feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I stress out easily and after working 50+ hours per week, they put me over the edge and I just have to go in the bathroom and cry OR whip out a brand new HotWheel Car.

[lisac77]

Wow, that sounds SO frustrating! I hate it when my DS has meltdowns in public. It's hard for me to deal with as well.

Do you have to take him with you to the store? I do, because DH is never home, so I understand if that's the case. But if you don't have to take him, don't take him, and then you avoid the whole Hot Wheels issue in a nutshell.

However, if you DO have to take him, have you tried taking a bunch of cars with you? My DS likes to put his toy cars in his pockets when we go out. I usually get my DS a drink of some sort (milk or a small soda) at the store to give him something to look forward to and to ease the pain of having to leave the house. The drink is $ 0.99. I don't see this as him "ruling" me, I see it as the cost of taking a young child to a big, stimulating place. So if the car is your cost of taking DS to the store, I personally would just let it go. But that's me!

[heartmama]

I'm sorry. He probably doesn't enjoy acting like this either.

A few observations~

I hear you internalizing his tantrums. Crying isn't fun, tantrums are not fun. But, it sounds like you consider it your responsibility to prevent him from having strong emotions.

I think it is so important to define your boundaries. Both of you have important needs. An example with ds at that age might have gone:

Me sitting and having coffee. Ds says "I want to play candyland". Okay, after I finish my coffee (which would have been a quiet time for myself). Ds starts to throw a fit, no! NOW!. At that point I would define my space rather than giving it away. "Ds here is a timer. When it says 5, I will play. I need my quiet time now. I will play when my quiet time is over. If you keep screaming, I won't get my quiet time, and will not want to play the game".

I would offer for him to sit beside me, invite him to have his own "coffee", or suggest other things he could do to pass the 5 minute time period. A 3 year old needs guidance managing his emotions even for 5 minutes. But, if he persisted in screaming and badgering me, I would quietly move on to a different activity. I would not play the game. I sincerely would not want too play with someone who was screaming at me to play with them. It's not a punishment, it's a natural consequence. It did not take ds very long to understand that I was on his side, and that I wanted to play games with him~but he had a role in making that happen.

[mirthfulmum]

Awesome advice heartmama.

Being an attached parent and practicing GD dosen't mean that you sacrifice yourself. You deserve respect too.

[Lovenest]

Hi Mama!Ohhh do I feel your pain.
My son has always been high needs/spirited.
Around 3 is when it got reallllyyyy hard.
I have found something that DOES work with our 4 year old son. And believe me he would throw the WORST tantrums, and still does. But, now I know how to tame him and also show him that I will help him control himself if he cant. He gets so upset its like hes not even in there.
It was so hard to deal with at first because my hubby and I are not ever violent or anything. We have never spanked him. So, seeing our son be so aggressive was a shock.
But, he is very spirited and needs alot of guidance.


Here is what I would suggest you do:

Get this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Joshs-Smiley-F.../dp/1591470013

Follow the directions in the back and read this to your son anytime you can. When he seems like he is getting upset pull it out, bring it with you.

Give your son WORDS to use when he is upset.
My son talks and I think I did not give him the words to express his anger. I will ask him "Are you ANGRY? " and validate his anger. But, not give in. Give him options as what he can do if hes angry. He can go to his room and scream, but not scream at you or anywhere else.

My son throws tantrums and hit etc. He CAN not control himself sometimes. Here is what we do:

http://www.pocketparent.com/Q&A/page77.html

It truly works. He does get upset when we first hold him but, within 3-5 mins he will settle down and say hes sorry. Before doing this he would hit, throw objects and it was soo sad to watch him. Now he understands that mom and dad are there to help him get through those emotions.


I hope that helps, please feel free to ask ANY questions!

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by doriansmummy

Hi Mama!Ohhh do I feel your pain.
My son has always been high needs/spirited.
Around 3 is when it got reallllyyyy hard.
I have found something that DOES work with our 4 year old son. And believe me he would throw the WORST tantrums, and still does. But, now I know how to tame him and also show him that I will help him control himself if he cant. He gets so upset its like hes not even in there.
It was so hard to deal with at first because my hubby and I are not ever violent or anything. We have never spanked him. So, seeing our son be so aggressive was a shock.
But, he is very spirited and needs alot of guidance.


Here is what I would suggest you do:

Get this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Joshs-Smiley-F.../dp/1591470013

Follow the directions in the back and read this to your son anytime you can. When he seems like he is getting upset pull it out, bring it with you.

Give your son WORDS to use when he is upset.
My son talks and I think I did not give him the words to express his anger. I will ask him "Are you ANGRY? " and validate his anger. But, not give in. Give him options as what he can do if hes angry. He can go to his room and scream, but not scream at you or anywhere else.

My son throws tantrums and hit etc. He CAN not control himself sometimes. Here is what we do:

http://www.pocketparent.com/Q&A/page77.html

It truly works. He does get upset when we first hold him but, within 3-5 mins he will settle down and say hes sorry. Before doing this he would hit, throw objects and it was soo sad to watch him. Now he understands that mom and dad are there to help him get through those emotions.


I hope that helps, please feel free to ask ANY questions!

Thank you doriansmummy this sounds like it may help

[TinkerBelle]

Don't take him to the store, and if you do, don't buy the cars. If he tantrums, take him out and home immediately.

Perhaps ignoring his tantrums at home would help him stop it. He has to learn, even at a young age, that HE is not the center of the world and that other people's needs matter too.

As far as the DVD player, can you put it up higher? Or get a TV cabinet that locks when you are not using the TV?

[dharmama]

Me sitting and having coffee. Ds says "I want to play candyland". Okay, after I finish my coffee (which would have been a quiet time for myself). Ds starts to throw a fit, no! NOW!. At that point I would define my space rather than giving it away. "Ds here is a timer. When it says 5, I will play. I need my quiet time now. I will play when my quiet time is over. If you keep screaming, I won't get my quiet time, and will not want to play the game".

Great advice (as always)!! I really needed to read this today! Thanks!

Being an attached parent and practicing GD dosen't mean that you sacrifice yourself. You deserve respect too.

Thank you for this reminder!!

And to the OP....

I have to do a LOT of warm up and warnings with my DD before making a change. So if I was going to take her to the store and not buy her a car, I would talk about what's going to happen and why ahead of time...on the way to the store...as we are going in etc. Or as others said...I'd try not to take her to that particular store for a while.

[Twocoolboys]

Heartmama had some really great advice - I agree that it is not your responsibility to keep him from feeling strong emotions or to "stop" those emotions once they happen. It seems that you just want your child to be happy, but you end up "buying" that happiness with a toy or with him getting his way all the time.

I think 3 years old is old enough to learn that he needs to work through these emotions without this kind of help. If he is tantruming because some basic need is not met (i.e. he is hungry, tired or needs some snuggle time), I would address that need, but not buy the toy. Even if all of those needs are fullfilled, I would still not buy the toy. I also do not leave stores for tantrums. I ignore the dirty looks I get - lol.

My favorite phrase that works with my 2 year old when he wants something that is just not possible and starts to tantrum is "You can have a tantrum, but you can't have xyz". This really makes him stop and think and he seldom has a full blown tantrum after that. If he still does, it is generally because he is tired. In that case, I just do the best I can to be understanding and patient until the storm blows over.

If you take your emotional response away from his tantrums, you will be teaching him to deal with his own emotions. I don't believe in denying a child that opportunity. You just have to keep the big picture in mind, which I know can be hard in the moment.

All of that said, it does not garuntee that he will never have a tantrum again once you stop giving in. Sometimes kids have tantrums. They just have a lot of emotion to get out and it is OK to let them do that. Sometimes adults do too- lol.

[bente]

Meltdowns in public are so stressful for everyone. I try to focus on just the child - pretend no one else is there. Then I can focus just on the child and help.

And the car thing. Maybe buying the .99 cent car isnt so bad? Walmart can be a big stressful place for a little guy. Plus you are there to buy things you need. Perhaps he really feels like he needs the car. It is hard for a kid to really comprehend that life sucks without toiletpaper, so we have to go shopping. Maybe plan the shopping trips when he does not have to come along. And if he does have to come, be prepared to buy the car and then try to enjoy your trip to the store together.

[Squeakyneedle]

I hope it's ok that I'm posting here, since GD is something I wholeheartedly believe in, but it is still something I'm trying to work on...but Dh and I both believe that one of the biggest keys in successful parenting, no matter what side you belong to...is consistency. If you tell your child no, you can't give in 5 minutes later just because he started screaming. If you say no, you have to mean no. Forever. Not just until his tantrum gets embarrassing at the store. Children pick up very early just how long it will take before mommy or daddy will break and end up giving them what they want anyway.

Bear in mind, though, that some children just cannot cope with change, and it's sometimes a long road to discovering what helps. Lot's of preparation is good, but also, prepare yourself for some hard times until he gets the hang of it. If it means leaving the store in the middle of your shopping trip then do it. He'll realize if there is any chance at all of getting a treat/car it won't happen if you aren't even at the store!

[ZeldasMom]

Originally Posted by heartmama

I hear you internalizing his tantrums. Crying isn't fun, tantrums are not fun. But, it sounds like you consider it your responsibility to prevent him from having strong emotions.

I found myself having this problem awhile back. Parenting from the Inside Out really helped me.