need a great article...

[hubris]

...about re-evaluating the way parents think about their children.

Specifically, *not* assuming that children are
- malicious
- intentionally disobeying
- trying to "get away with" "bad behavior"
- naughty
etc etc

I've noticed that many parents are quick to say "he did XYZ on purpose, he knows it was wrong", and that this attitude goes hand in hand with a punitive approach. I'd love a good article to draw from and/or share but haven't found anything quite right.

It would be a bonus if the article addressed using labels like naughty, bad behavior, hellion, etc. The general gist would be giving kids the benefit of the doubt - both in how we talk about them, and how we view their actions.

Thanks in advance!

[ericg]

...need an article? How about a book?

Hi there,

I was just exploring the posts on MDC for the very first time and your post/query was the first one I saw. I have the perfect paradigm shattering book for you: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It is about how both praise and punishment are both non-effective tools to modify children's behaviors and how the more challenging road of using love and reason produces longer lasting behavior change. More importantly, the entire focus of the book is about discovering what children NEED when poor behavior arises, rather than COMPLIANCE with what adults want. It is backed by excellent scientific research in behavioral and motivational psychology and neuroscience. I hope it helps.

Eric

[sparklefairy]

Alfe Kohn also has several articles at his website which might help. Natural Child Project? Maybe there are articles here at MDC that fit your needs?

[hubris]

NCP hasn't turned up anything quite right. I have a copy of Unconditional Parenting but what I'm looking for is something easier to give/quote to a few friends and family members. Kohn is pretty extreme to somebody new to GD, you know? I need something to ease people into it, just get them to question a few of the ways they view children and discipline.

Thanks for the ideas!

[beka1977]

Perhaps there is a specific chapter that you could use in the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline." She goes on at length about giving kids the benefit of the doubt, and the reasons why it is better to approach every situation believing that the child has good intentions.

I'll see if I can think of anything shorter.... :

[georgia]

There is a wonderful passage in Peggy O'Mara's Natural Family Living Book that we plan to sticky up at the top of the forum soon..I can PM it to you if you'd like. I did a quick search on Mothering's site...

http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr.../tantrums.html

http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ttachment.html

http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr...unication.html

[AmyMN]

Hello,

Have you checked any of Scott Noelle's articles?
http://www.scottnoelle.com/xfp/

Or any of Scott's short Daily Groove messages:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove

BTW, you can subscribe to his Daily Groove e-mails here (free, short daily inspirational e-mails):
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

There are also some good articles on the Continuum Concept website:
http://continuum-concept.org/reading.html

Let me know if you find something you like.

[MAMom]

Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection
Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, has some really great articles on her website that speak to these issues:

* What is Causing this Behavior?
* Teaching Through Love Instead of Fear
* Creating More Nurturing Environments for Children
(talks about how various things affect a child's behavior)
* Teaching Children Respect

[TinkerBelle]

Wouldn't it depend on the age of the child and the situation as to whether they do something wrong/negative/what you don't want them to do, on purpose?

[hubris]

*

[karlin]

This one touches on what you want a little bit:

http://continuum-concept.org/reading/consequences.html

Here's another:

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/new_way.html

And another:

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/thomas_gordon2.html