WWYD – Sitting job and Dobson…

[mzfern]

So I recently started sitting for a family with two children (girl of 15 months and boy of 3 years). The mom is home most of the time I’m there (during the day) as the youngest is a frequent nurser. I’m expecting my first little one in January and I was really hoping the mom and I could be friends. Today was the third day I’ve spent time with this family. The mom and I have hit it off on many points – midwives and HB, organic foods, Teflon, etc. Sadly, I found out today that a) they spank and b) they are HUGE proponents of Dobson and Bringing Up Boys, along with the idea that boys should be our "warriors" and too much "coddling" of young boys leads to weak men.

This is really tough for me because I absolutely don't agree with this mentality at all. Overall, the kiddos are really sweet and I like the mom a lot. The boy is a handful and a half, though, and it’s so, SO hard for me to hear Dobson rhetoric. Plus, the money that sitting brings in really helps make ends meet.

Since I’m expected to be the responsible adult when I’m there, it’s understandably confusing to the boy that I’m not going to spank him or threaten to wash his mouth out with soap for lying.

At this point, I’m weighing the pros and cons of continuing to sit for this family. Can anyone offer some insights? Is it possible for a very part-time sitter to apply GD principles in a Dobson home?

Thanks...

[Mama2RMM]

We tell our helpers upfront how we run our household and I expect them to be respectful of our desires to redirect, avoid shaming, not overly praise, and not physically punish. We have given each helper a short crash course in GD with our main points really accented. I would fire someone that dared put Rach in time out or spank her, in a heartbeat.

That said, I don't see how your job would be in jeopardy by simply being kind to the boy and handling what is likely age appropriate behavior with gentle tactics. I would be willing to bet that the mom is amazed by how well your "coddling" works.

Has the mom told you what she expects of you in regards to handling things? Do you feel comfortable talking to her about other alternatives? "When I'm here, I feel more comfortable doing ____." Maybe as she sees his positive response to you she will see there are alternatives for a spirited child. If you feel you are on the road to friendship, maybe even buy the Sears book for her about high needs children.

We hire people to work with us that we trust with our children. I know that I would be comfortable listening to the advice of the person taking care of my child during the day. Try talking to her... you never know what might happen!

[mzfern]

Originally Posted by balawre

Has the mom told you what she expects of you in regards to handling things? Do you feel comfortable talking to her about other alternatives? "When I'm here, I feel more comfortable doing ____." Maybe as she sees his positive response to you she will see there are alternatives for a spirited child. If you feel you are on the road to friendship, maybe even buy the Sears book for her about high needs children.

Thanks for your response, Anna. The mom has not be explicit about her expectations re discipline. She did make a comment today about how her boy will test out the strength of someone he’s interacting with to judge if he’s stronger or weaker. This may have been a veiled attempt to suggest I show my strength to him (???) or somehow prove to him that he can’t control me. Ugh…

I’m in a doubly awkward position regarding offering her advice because I don’t have first hand experience applying GD principles to a spirited 3 year old – only theoretical knowledge and innate love and respect.

[LoveBeads]

A slightly different perspective.

When I was pregnant, hell - not just when I'm pregnant but I'll start with that - my mental state was something that I thought about and kept as healthy as my body. I really did not want to experience unnecessary stress and I was even more careful about exposing myself to certain things. Now, I try to do that every day but I might watch a violent movie or the news or "take on" an argument with somebody when I'm not pregnant. When I am pregnant, I am extremely cautious about avoiding stress because I have no idea what stress can do to a developing fetus but I don't think it is good.

I would not be able to be in a room with somebody who is a Dobson follower and not have physiological repercussions. It's even hard for me to read about it on the internet without my heart starting to beat faster and my stomach getting that "pit".

So I would quit and find another family to work with because this would have a tremendous effect on me.

[mommy2abigail]

I used to sit for a family, 2 little girls, one 3 and the younger one 1 year old. When the 3 yo started being mean to her sister (i.e. hitting, pushing, ect.) the parents spanked her ( ) Anyway, the mother approached me one day, with a wooden spoon and asked if 1. I would keep this spoon in my kitchen drawer and 2.Use it to hit the older girl if she hit her sister. I politely said no, and rather than going into the whole details of how I thought it was abusive, I just said, by LAW I am not allowed to physically punish your child. That worked. I did tell her what I was willing to do as an alternative, 1.Comfort corner, until she calmed down, (Not the same as time out) 2.Remove the toy that was causing the conflict 3.Sling the younger baby to keep her safe for a while. It was my hope that by sharing these methods, she could find something other than hitting to deal with her child. I DID mention that by hitting her, she was getting mixed messages about the OKness of hurting someone, but the mom replied, "Oh, she KNOWS spanking is different." Fine ok, whatever, it's a lost cause.

[CarrieK]

I've been in this type of situation before as the sitter and although you may share many common views with this woman and you like her alot, I don't think you could ever really be friends with her. It's hard to be in this position because you're spending alot of time together and obviously you'll become very close with her children, but keeping a healthy employer/employee relationship is key, especially if she's paying you. Of course, I don't recommend you doing anything to/with her children that you feel uncomfortable doing. I would recommend taking a couple minutes to ask the woman what she expects during certain situations. Explain your view and see if you can come to a happy medium. This is a learn-as-you-go process and you won't find everything out in one day. Keep it friendly, lively, and upbeat - but by no means do you need to divulge your greatest secrets to her or all of your opinions on parenting. Good luck!

[meemee]

mzfern the only thing i can say was that i was in a situation which just wasnt working out philosophically for me. i felt as the nanny i wasnt doing a good job feeling so bad. so i quit.

[Jazzmin]

I second what CarrieK said. During my first nanny job I became friends with my employer (we dined out, went shopping, ect). It really complicated the situation.

I hope all goes well!