Thank you for all the well-wishes.
We are having an interesting
I feel really good, physically.
The after-pains aren't as bad as they were with #5. Although I didn't tear in a way that could have been stitched...I did get a ton of abraised skin (? dunno what to call it...but it looks...yes, I looked with a hand-mirror
...it looks like multiple lacerations...like you would expect it might look if you tried to pass something 35cm in diamater thru it without gentle stretching & a lotta lube...gee I wonder why?
Take note mamas: bring olive oil & do perineal massage) so that part still stings...swelling is getting better there though.
I think I've developed thrush (my toungue hurts, feels funny & is white today) from the stupid antibiotics.
: so I'm working on getting rid of that before it spreads to the babe.
I'm now going on (no joke) about 3 hours of sleep in the last 4 days. I kinda feel like a zombie. I would kill for a coffee (a pot of it actually) but from past experience it upsets babies tummies.
The baby is NOTHING like our last one...this little one is definately what I would consider "high needs". Our 1st was a "fussy" baby, too. But we've had 4 in between that were pretty good & the last one who was an absolute gem. So it's been a bit of a shock.
She acts like she's starving
& needs to be attached to my boob constantly. On a positive note she is an awesome little nurser & that's going perfectly.
When I detach her from me & try to put her down is where the problems start. She freaks out when she has to be changed. And I mean works herself into hysterics. So...I've figured out that if I keep her tightly swaddled from the waist up & change her in my lap & just do what's essential then we get less frantic screaming going on. On a purely shallow & materialistic note...it means that cloth diapering has become really basic...there is no way I could get a prefold or flat on her...it's just easy-to-get-on fitteds...usually without even a cover. Although the pink NB Mosaic Moon soaker is so stretchy & easy to pull on that if it's dry I can get that on quick enough.
She only sleeps if she's in my arms. No kidding. The second I put her down she wakes up & cries. But when she's asleep in my arms she's absolutely angelic.
Just curls up into a ball between my boobs & looks so peaceful & content. She has had a few (brief) awake, alert, non-crying periods...she is so cute then...looking around, responding to the sound of family member's voices, touching her hair, hat, holding onto people's fingers, sucking on her own fingers.
When she is upset & crying she has settled in my arms with her face up by mine & me talking to her, nuzzling her & rubbing her back while walking back & forth jiggling her. And she sleeps beautifully as long as I am holding her.
I found out that her toe (and actually her foot is involved as well) thing is called macrodactyly. It can just be that the digits are larger than the others...but will grow at a normal rate...or it could be much more serious & could be part of a larger syndrome that isn't obvious.
So...in a way I am feeling sad for her...for so many reasons...and worried about what it could mean for her...and of course, paranoid that somehow she is in pain from it...and that's what she's crying so much.
Thankfully, the research shows that this kind of deformity is NOT caused by anything the mother has done...it's just one of those freak things. That made me feel relieved that I didn't do this to her.
So we will be seeing a pediatrician at 6 weeks.
As my midwife pointed out today...I am at high risk for PPD.
I am already mourning the loss of my perfect home birth. Feeling angry with my own body that I failed AGAIN to deliver my baby without "help"...that my body followed the same pattern... And also questioning my "decisions & choices"...wondering if I had refused to come in...would my body have go into labour on it's own & I could have had a homebirth...? Or if I had done that would I have developed an infection due to being GBS+ & had her die...KWIM?
And coming to terms with knowing that my baby has a birth defect that *might* be really hard on her.
Add to that a "fussy" baby who is #6 in a busy household.
Having unloaded all that (and thank you for "listening" I feel much better now after "telling" someone how I feel) I must also add that I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have (an otherwise) healthy baby who is beautiful & perfect in her own way. It could be much worse.
She is a baby who, clearly, will need more from me. As her mother I accept that. I am choosing to see this as a lesson. I need to find ways to meet her unique needs & challenges & fully embrace her for who she is.
I am so
happy that I had the foresight to purchase several new baby carriers (slings, pouches, wraps) because I can see that she is a baby who will NEED to be carried pretty much constantly in order to feel secure.
But that's okay...it just means that for the next while (that being days, weeks, months whatever) I will have to slow down, do less, re-examine my priorities...I may need to spend several hours a day doing nothing but hold & love this baby...