Struggling through with playful parenting and endless negotiations

[gaialice]

I have been a playful parent forever and I have always been able - and proud of - avoiding major power struggles by inventing a new story, a new way of doing things. I am a creative person and - at a very deep level - I hate doing things the same way twice.

Fast forward to today, with my two girls of almost 4 and 5,5 years, I am now at a loss and questioning everything I ever did. We do not do consequences -apart from very few things - but I struggle to avoid punitive consequences (hitting sister will mean being separated for her for instance).

I think in part because of the lack of consequences and in part because of the constant inventiveness on my part I have not been able to set up a running bedtime routine - for example. Although truly we do the same things at approximately the same time every day, we never do them in the same way. So, one evening we will brush teeth in bed while I am telling dd for the umteenth time about oral hygene in very theatrical terms, another will be in the bathroom complete with electric toothbrush. Anything to get through the evening and in bed in time for them not to collapse from sleep the next morning. However, in all honesty, this is taking too much of my energy and time. At their ages, they should be able to prepare for bed by themselves.

More in general, they are not able to follow rules and directions, they resist EVERYTHING .... luckily dd1 behaves diffferently in school (at home she has major tantrums) but dd2 (who luckily has fewer tantrums) happily ignores her teacher the way she ignores me at home. Life is also about doing things that just have to get done and I feel I am not preparing them at all for this.

I am at a point where I am feeling like I haven't done a single good thing and I fear that these small problems will become huge when we hit adolescence...

[heartmama]

Life is also about doing things that just have to get done and I feel I am not preparing them at all for this.

I hear you saying that you worked hard to spare them this awareness. Maybe that was because at 1 or 2 years old, they were not developmentally ready to understand the concept.

I find as ds gets older, what seems reasonable and necessary changes. For me it was natural to do less, become less a middleman between him and the world. Helping him cope directly with reality instead of doing backflips to tweak and customize it for his emotional limitations was a very natural part of him getting older.

[AmyMN]

Hello,

Listen to this and see if this helps at all (click on "needs and desires"):

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dgn/intro

(I, personally, get parenting phone coaching from Scott--the coach in the above conversation.)

Also, I love this article about "consequences". Maybe it will help you feel better about your choosing to not use them:
http://continuum-concept.org/reading/consequences.html

Also, I highly recommend Scott's free Daily Groove emails for inspirational parenting support:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

[jlpumkin]

I'm butting in with a suggestion - I rarely actually post here so obviously diregard if it's not what you are looking for...

I have a control journal (posted) for my dd... we decided on a bedtime routine then together found stickers of a tooth brush for brushing teeth - book for story time - etc. I too am resistant to repetitive type tasks but have learned from readings that it really helps kids - particularly with tasks they don't want to do because they know when the end is...

Anyway - my dd loves checking items off of the list and does the majority on her own - though I do snuggle in for the story time. We've been using this successfully for about 2 years now. Our first item is return toys to their homes - so I normally say it's 8 o'clock time to send the toys home & start helping to pick up. That gets the ball rolling. Honestly she doesn't resist the list itself just sometimes the bed part at the end. So she reads in bed until she falls asleep - which is something that she enjoys so she's normally trying to get though the list to the "treat" I don't care how long she stays awake - it's rarely ever been past my bedtime.

Good luck! Btw I think it's mostly an age thing not an err in your parenting

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I'll bet your kids know they are loved, enjoy being with you, and are very attached to you. I'll bet your relationship with them is one of the very best a parent could hope to have with their children. I'll bet your children are generally happy, playful kids.

Not listening? That is something most parents deal with. I'm not so sure you did anything "wrong." They're developmentally ready now to start learning how to do things they don't feel like doing. It will simply take some time. Your youngest, who is not four yet (if I read your post correctly) isn't doing anything at all unusual. She probably really doesn't hear you, or her teacher; her attention is so concentrated on something else. Or she deliberately tunes people out because she knows listening means she is going to be asked to do something she thinks she isn't going to want to do.

As for the bedtime routine, if you want to change it so that you have more free time for yourself, that is one thing. However, if you are wanting to change it because you think they "should" be doing it more independently, I would like to suggest that might not be the best reason. I'll bet getting ready for bed with Mommy is a highlight of their day - they are connecting with you, playing with you, being close to you before they begin their long time of separation from you (sleeping).

You could work on changing the focus of your interactions from "Mommy entertaining them in order to get them through their routine" to "This is what we do to get ready for bed." Its a subtle difference, and things can still be fun, but, for example, when its time to brush teeth, all three of you brush teeth together because its tooth-brushing time.

During the day, I've found it helps to remove distractions (no tv, no toys out) for a period of time and include them a bit in the routine. Its still fun, but the three of you are working together to accomplish something that will benefit all of you. Its dinnertime; put the things we need to set the table on the counter: placemats, plates, forks, cups, napkins. Then each person sets their place at the table. Then give them each a task (not to do independently, but side-by-side). DD1, would you carry this dish of green beans to the table, please. DD2, can you carry the bread and butter for us?

Same with laundry: DD's, lets pull out all the white clothes and throw them in the washer. DD1, lets pour the detergent in now. DD2, can you close the lid and push the button to start the washer?

Over time, they begin to listen to you more because the activities are fun and purposeful. If they choose not to participate, okay, fine, but there isn't much else going on and Mommy's attention isn't available because she is working on setting the table.

I really like some of the Montessori ideas about getting kids involved in day-to-day stuff. It makes them feel important and like they are participating in the well-being of the family.

[AmyMN]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

You could work on changing the focus of your interactions from "Mommy entertaining them in order to get them through their routine" to "This is what we do to get ready for bed." Its a subtle difference, and things can still be fun

Bellingham: Yes. What you've written is inline with how I think about these things (no, not always doing them, but I'm "finding my way"). What you describe in your post just "feels" so peaceful. I wish I could see you in action for a visual inspiration. Have you listened to the coaching via the link I posted above? I think you will love it.

[Roar]

As a general principle I think it is a bad idea to change what you are doing today if it works based on fears for the future. On the other hand changing what you do today because it seems to not be working that well for today, is something else.

If you are feeling like the energy is all coming from you and this is taking more than it should I think it is reasonable to consider time for a change. How about sitting down with the girls and coming up with a new plan. At our house using routine charts that we made together has worked well. You can provide the poster board with lines already on it and the girls can help figure out what should be part of the routine and draw pictures and glue them on. For a lot of people it is easier to follow a visual reminder than to have someone else telling them what to do. At our house this was a positive step toward more independence and freed up my focus from talking through something someone was capable of doing on their own which freed up time and energy to be devoted to stories, songs, etc. together.

After you have the chart together you still will need to be involved for a bit. I'd keep it low energy involvement though "oh what's next on your chart?" and that sort of thing.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Gaialice, hugs to you. I've seen many posts by you in the past year, struggling with your daughters, the father, and meeting everyone's needs in your home. I think it might be a good time to think about family counseling? You can't go on like this. The issues will get bigger as the children get bigger. I'm not sure MDC, although populated with witty and wise women, can solve the underlying issues that are complicating change? I think it sounds like there are some underlying anger issues that need to be resolved before the little things work themselves out.

[gaialice]

Thanks to you all. Yesterday I wrote a list of all the things that we need to do as part of our evening routine. I wrote it in capital letters because dd1 is now learning to read capital letter words. She spent a good 10 minutes decyphering all the words. We then drew some check boxes for her to check as she progressed through the routine. She did it all by herself and at the end she was beaming, she was sooo proud of herself. Today, she asked to copy the list on the PC, and spent a good 20 minutes typing it up. She did it all by herself without ever asking for assistance, although I could see (from the other room) that at times she was frustrated not finding the right letters, but she kept trying and in the end it was all typed up without a single mistake. Then I helped her put the check boxes next to each step, and we chose the size of the fonts. We printed several copies and then dd2 joined in and wanted her own chart. We made the changes we needed to do and now they each have their check list for several days. I need to be persistent with this because, as many of you said, it is easier to follow a list than listening to mommy. Bellinghamcrunchy, thanks for your nice words. Yes, we do have a very deep relationship and I am sure they feel loved and "taken seriously". I think many times I compare my daughters to girls of their age who were raised with more coercion, and I have the feeling they - how can I say this? - they require more "work" than their peers. However, I read (some of ... more when I have more time!) the links Amy provided and I once again felt that coercion is not the solution. I have the gift of being creative, so I need to work with the skills I have. The idea of getting their help to do things like emptying the dishwasher is a good one too. I do agree with all of you who said that fear for the future is not a good ground for change. But as Heartmama said changes are necessary as the kids get older. I think I have a tendency to get really discouraged, at times, and it is true that there are some family dynamics which I need to work on also, but then it is important to focus on getting little things straight, one by one, this often does wonders to change more fundamental ones. I feel much more serene now and I am really grateful for all your advice