bi mama roll call! - Page 6

[veggiewolf]

Bi with a guy here as well - married to DH for three years come December 16th, and mother of a 10 YO DS. DH knew when we met (I'd just ended an LTR with a woman), and it's never affected him a scrap...except for once or twice before we were married...

I could see us ending up in a triad in a few years, but we're not actively looking.

[hobbitsmama]

yay .. me too, me too! i know this thread is very old but i am so glad that i stumbled upon it. i am a bi mama, married to a bi dada. i used to get frustrated by the assumptions that people made after we were married (4 years ago next week!), but since we had a kiddo people seem convinced that we must be straighter than straight NOW. ugh. i am not really attracted to men, but fell in love with my dh because of the person he is. my family seems to be relieved that i am with a man and act like that dating women "phase" that i went through is over. an essential piece of my self is being denied. in addition, all of my gay friends live far away from me now and i find it hard to feel like i can ingratiate myself on a gay community here. (esp. since i may find it too tempting to be around beautiful women)
.. so how do i raise my daughter to have an open mind about sexuality when all i can offer her are my own unabashed feelings and experiences and the infrequent visits of out friends? any thoughts?

[mehndi mama]

Holy long post!

Bi poly here, but currently involved with 2 guys & no women. I'm not looking, either......but we all know how life happens.

Oh, I'm a former Fundamentalist Christian, too - now self-professed unchurched kitchen-witch

[sapphomom]

I'm a bi mommy, married to a hetero man, who isn't comfortable with my bi orientation...so I am not in a relationship, but still identify as such. *hugs* I'm so happy to see this thread though! I can identify with a lot of the feelings mentioned.

[LunaMom]

Sapphomom (love your username), I'm in a similar situation (I did post elsewhere on this thread, but have no idea which page!). I know how hard it is, and if you ever want to chat, here I am...feel free to pm me anytime.

Oh, and welcome!

[Konur's Mom]

Bi with a guy here, too. I am involved withj 2 guys right now and no women. One is dh and one is a long time friend who I have known for 17 years. I have had a gf in the past but nothing currently. I prefer friends with benefits to a committed relationship right now. I have to be intimate friends with someone first. I am as out asw I can be, not something easily slid into a conversation! If the topic of so and so is sexy comes up, I will mention women, also. If people don't really know me, how can they really like me?

[robynberkley]

My dh is comfortable with my bi-orientation, but not comfortable with bringing a third party into our relationship. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable either frankly...it is hard to love and be involved with more than one person. But in trade off, there is a part of me that is denied and it can be difficult some days...ah well. But I can relate Hobbitsmama. I will respond to your question about teaching your daughter when I have more time!!! I have a 6 1/2 year old as well and the question comes up regularly about loving men vs. loving women...honesty helps...talking about commitment helps and what it means to be true to what you value. But really...I'll get back to ya tomorrow!

Welcome all!

[IslandMamma]

Wow, I am so grateful I decided to come and check out this forum!!

I have identified as bi for 12 years now. I'm married to a man (4 years) and have a 4 1/2 month old son. My husband is hetero, but has been accepting of my sexuality from the beginning.

I live on a very small island now, (same island as DH's parents) and am only out to a few folks here, although I'm sure it spread like wildfire and no one really says anything. My last female partner was before I became pregnant..

Being a new mother and finding space for my sexuality is a challenge! I find that most of my friends in the queer community have written me off as a "breeder', now that I have a baby. My baby is such a joy, he is the air I breathe, but I'm *still* the same woman underneath the nursing bra and spit-up, KWIM?

Anyhoo, I'm just so glad this thread and forum are here... I love MDC, and really need to branch out beyond my rabid hyena instincts over on the diapering forum.

[robynberkley]

Hobbitsmama...I can relate to much of what you wrote...especially about hanging around other women with whom I am attracted...ugh...I have a dear friend now...out lesbian...whom I'm attracted to but neither of us will cross the line because I am married. Thankfully she lives in Ohio and I live in NYS because it makes the situation exponentially easier to deal with. But as an academic, I go to conferences regularly and there is a small but growing contingency of out faculty members in my area of study. Being at the last meeting where we had several social events and sessions set up sent me into fits...it is where I met my friend and the temptation was huge. Thankfully, however, we were both able to engage in blunt honesty with each other...that we were fond of each other and probably would be in each other's arms now except for my wedding ring but that we would remain friends and only friends unless my situation changed. Our friendship has truly blossomed and I feel really blessed to have her in my life...but there are days when the longings push my buttons...

Originally posted by hobbitsmama
.. so how do i raise my daughter to have an open mind about sexuality when all i can offer her are my own unabashed feelings and experiences and the infrequent visits of out friends? any thoughts?

The funny thing I have encounted has to do with my, and my daughter's, love for k.d. lang's music...been a fan for years long before I ID'd as bi. My daughter innocently asked me...how come kd lang and Tony Bennett don't want to get married or love each other...very cute question. So I told her that some women love women and some women love men...and some women love both men and woman and could "marry" either (she gets the concept of marry although she isn't aware of the social implications of what marrying means!) I tell her all that matters is that you find someone who you love and want to spend your life with...it doesn't matter whether they are a man or a woman. I told her that I loved her father but that I could've loved and married a woman too...it didn't matter to me because I loved a person. I think if we continue with that message to our children...male or female...the coming out process and recognition of same sex attraction will be much easier and much more recognizable than it was for me. In retrospect, I knew at 13 that I was attracted to women...but it took me until I was 38 to actually deal with it...sad...and I know that so much of it is because of the lack of good role models and lack of open discussion that it would be OK to be attracted to women. If you leave it open to your daughter that whatever she feels is good and healthy, that message will come across.

We don't have a lot of contact with out folks...male or female...a few male friends yes, and I know a lot of bi mamas in real life but it isn't a topic of discussion when we get together because we are all "bi with a guy". Most of my contacts with out lesbians ended when I left Madison WI...not intentionally...just haven't met too many since I started juggling 2 kids, job, etc!!! I thinking getting books for your daughter to read about 2 moms or 2 dads is helpful and being honest and open about your own feelings is great too...what more can we do...???!!!

[kate42]

I think I'm bi.

I've never said that before.

I'm married to a man, have never been with a woman but certainly wouldn't mind.

I'm attracted to people, not genders.

Oh my goodness.

[robynberkley]

Welcome welcome welcome Kate! Congrats on being able to say that for the first time. I admitted it here for the first time myself...it felt very safe.

I live in upstate NY too...feel free to PM (private message) me if you want to chat some time!

[MaShroom]

here, present, accounted for

i don't usually come to this forum bc it brings up stuff for me that i do a pretty good job of squelching most of the time.

but i just don't care anymore. i'm just going to be who i am regardless of the consequences. at this point the consequences seem easier than living a lie.

[LunaMom]

Welcome, Kate, and don't freak out...

Being bi, and even admitting it out loud, does not have to be incongruent with marriage.

I went through hell in my marriage after coming out to my husband because I was not able to see that. I handled it very, very poorly and put both of us through a lot more than was necessary. We're still in the process of making repairs almost two years later.

I never labelled myself as bi because all I had (or at least allowed myself to recognize) were sexual fantasies involving women, and I attributed that to being sexually uninhibited and to the culture's oversexualization of women and their bodies (think about it - huge billboards for Victoria's Secret that ask, "What is sexy?" and show pictures of women...you get what I mean...I figure being bombarded with that stuff on a regular basis must have SOME effect!). I even slept with a female friend and still resisted the label.

It wasn't until I began exploring my feelings out loud (in therapy), and allowing myself to have them, that my true self "came out" and I began feeling attractions to real women. I probably would have been feeling those things all along if I had let myself (and if I hadn't been instinctively avoiding friendships with attractive women!).

It's good to have friends to talk to, ones who get where you're coming from. PM me anytime!

Luna

[robynberkley]

Hey mamathistle...I hear you loud and clear!!! I avoided it for a long time because I wasn't ready to deal either. But I agree it is MUCH better than living a lie...I feel like a whole person now because I am understanding and embracing me!

Are you out to yourself only at this point (and us!!) or do significant others in your life know too? It is rough going there as many of us have attested too but living a lie sucks...pure and simple.

Send me a private message if you like...I'm happy to be here and listen or just offer a shoulder to lean on!!!

Robyn

[MaShroom]

thanks robyn. yeah, i think that denying that part of myself has contributed to some really unhealthy bottling up of emotions over the last few years. i have missed my "whole person".

i am out with most of the important people in my life. my best friend was my biggest support. her sister is a lesbian, i think she always wished that we would hook up. my friend died in an accident last winter. so the person that i always felt the most comfortable talking to about it is gone. i miss her so much. but my sister is, as always, there for me.

really my biggest hurdle is my dh. what the "d" stands for varies from day to day. before we got married he always said that he was ok with gay people and assumed (what i thought) was a very accepting attitude. ok, well, we have been married for 5 and a half years now and he is the worst bigoted, homophobe i have ever met. not only do i not get that but it makes me feel like my head is going to explode. needless to say, there are certain things that we agree not to discuss. which really leaves not too much to our relationship. i stay bc i can be home with our kids.

it makes me so angry for so many reasons. first, i feel like it is a personal attack when he goes off on his weird little tangents about homosexuality. and second, i was raised around gay people. gay is normal to me. like having blue eyes or brown hair. it wouldn't occur to me to bash someone or think differently of them for it. i *really* don't get it. it makes me very upset that when he starts in about how being gay/les/bi is *wrong* (what???!!!!) he is talking about people who i know and love and ME for crying out loud. my blood boils just thinking about it.

i was very open with him and he knew this long before we married. i have told him about every relationship i had with other women. he even knew about a guy i dumped for asking "so how many fags are going to be at our wedding?" that was a very shortlived relationship. the irony is that i have great taste in and luck with women but end up with the most abysmally stupid men. what is that all about???

sometimes i get sad, wistful and lonely and read les romance stories on the net. it makes me feel like i'm missing out on so much. um, like romance for one.: i wonder what he would say if he knew. i think that he thinks i'm over it and that he is fulfilling every need that i have. yeah, whatever.

so thats my story. i should have posted this on the other thread but too late, it is already here.

[robynberkley]

OH MY!!! If he is that homophobic obviously that is an unhealthy situation. It is one thing to willingly be in a hetero relationship while bi or les with someone who is comfortable with your identity even if you have alternative desires, but it is excruciating to be with someone who appears to loathe the essence of who you are. Frankly, that is unacceptable in my book and if my husband had reacted that way, I would've easily walked a while ago. I'm assuming you have kids or want them at least otherwise you wouldn't be here so that is a VERY unhealthy place for your kids to be too. I'm not saying he's a bad parent but that sort of view is not one you want to pass on to your kids particularly since you ID as bi yourself.

When you are ready, you need to tell him where the line in the sand is drawn for you...if you are unhappy and unfulfilled and offended by his fundamental beliefs this is a recipe for disaster. Get some counseling QUICK and get to a safe space for your mental health benefit. Marriages shouldn't be based on loathing the other person!!

Take care of yourself...take strength in your ability to do what is right...and know we are here for you!!! If you need to unload, feel free to PM me and I'll give you my email!

Robyn

[Arduinna]

Mamathistle,

oh man, I'm not sure how you are able to deal with your dh. What a difficult situation.

When you said this "it makes me very upset that when he starts in about how being gay/les/bi is *wrong* (what???!!!!) he is talking about people who i know and love and ME for crying out loud." I couldn't help but nod in agreement. I'm completely baffled by people that believe that their hate of who people are is acceptable (fill in the blank as to why that is).

I hope that you can find some peace soon.