thanks robyn. yeah, i think that denying that part of myself has contributed to some really unhealthy bottling up of emotions over the last few years. i have missed my "whole person".
i am out with most of the important people in my life. my best friend was my biggest support. her sister is a lesbian, i think she always wished that we would hook up. my friend died in an accident last winter. so the person that i always felt the most comfortable talking to about it is gone. i miss her so much. but my sister is, as always, there for me.
really my biggest hurdle is my dh. what the "d" stands for varies from day to day. before we got married he always said that he was ok with gay people and assumed (what i thought) was a very accepting attitude. ok, well, we have been married for 5 and a half years now and he is the worst bigoted, homophobe i have ever met. not only do i not get that but it makes me feel like my head is going to explode.
needless to say, there are certain things that we agree not to discuss. which really leaves not too much to our relationship. i stay bc i can be home with our kids.
it makes me so angry for so many reasons. first, i feel like it is a personal attack when he goes off on his weird little tangents about homosexuality. and second, i was raised around gay people. gay is normal to me. like having blue eyes or brown hair. it wouldn't occur to me to bash someone or think differently of them for it. i *really* don't get it. it makes me very upset that when he starts in about how being gay/les/bi is *wrong* (what???!!!!) he is talking about people who i know and love and ME for crying out loud. my blood boils just thinking about it.
i was very open with him and he knew this long before we married. i have told him about every relationship i had with other women. he even knew about a guy i dumped for asking "so how many fags are going to be at our wedding?"
that was a very shortlived relationship. the irony is that i have great taste in and luck with women but end up with the most abysmally stupid men. what is that all about???
sometimes i get sad, wistful and lonely and read les romance stories on the net. it makes me feel like i'm missing out on so much. um, like romance for one.
: i wonder what he would say if he knew. i think that he thinks i'm over it and that he is fulfilling every need that i have. yeah, whatever.
so thats my story. i should have posted this on the other thread but too late, it is already here.