5.5 yo will not take no for an answer

[debm]

He just keeps on asking over and over and over and over and will not stop. Even when I have said 'I am not answering this question any more!' Mostly this is an issue when it comes to me playing with him while we are hanging around the house. He is very social and always wants attention and never stops talking. All day long. I can't blame him for his personality but I need some boundaries around our time at home. He is better at taking no for an answer when we are out and about or when he is at school or a friends house so I KNOW he has it in him. I think we are in a bad pattern right now and I would really like to break the cycle. I want to enjoy him not argue with him. Any advice would be fantastic. Thanks in advance!!!!

[ShaggyDaddy]

Try not saying no.

I am not talking about just giving in. I am talking about finding a way to give him several choices and asking him to choose. Keep open to compromise, push for compromise and I think you will find he will start instigating negotiations rather than demanding things fairly quickly. Remember that compromise has to be a two way street. If he learns that he can sway you from your original position through positive negotiations, he will learn by example that it is ok to give in a little, he will also learn that compromise is a good way to get what you want.

Sometimes specific situations are easier to play out in your head, but in general I would try to figure out what he wants, figure out what you want, and see where those two meet.

Kids around this age love to use the powerful anti-compromise words. Why, Please, and Whine. This communication problem is the most common one I see with parent-child compromise.

I just don't allow "please" to be used in a forceful way. My Nephews get a kick out of the fact that with me they do not have to say please if they just ask nicely. They also were suprised the first time "I WANT A COOKIE NOW please" didn't work. I have taken the power out of please, and I think we are all much happier because of it. Please is meant to be oil on the lock, not the key to getting what you want. There are no "magic words" in our house except Abracadabra and Shazaam. It is so hard to take away the negative power of "please" that I would just prefer if it wasn't used at all. It is most often used as a substitute for being polite, rather than as a compliment to being polite.

"Why" is maybe the greatest learning tool we have and I cannot bring myself to deny it. I try not to let it be a power struggle, but to me "Why" is serious business. I do my best to answer every "Why" Usually with kids that have been "Why" denied, a "why chain" can last for a long time. I have started with "Why do we have to put our clothes away" and ended with "why don't airplanes fly under water" I am an "on a tangent" kind of person, so I don't mind. I also like to hear myself talk (if that wasn't obvious already) so it either goes till the child is so bored that he does something else or until his understanding is so complete he can't think of anything else to ask about the subject. The most important thing is that asking the same thing twice results in me asking them to explain what I told them. This gets them involved, helps them remember next time, and lets them know that "Because I said so" is just not going to happen. After just a few days of honoring why, you will be suprised at the deep and probing questions children will ask just because they know that you will explain it. They eventually stop using it to delay and start using it to learn.

Taking the negative power of "Why" away without taking the positive power away is difficult, but in my opinion it is very important.

Whining is using your voice as a weapon. It is the same as hitting someone to get your way. But most importantly, it is just plain not effective with me or my wife. Our son has been rephraising since he was 10 months old, because we have always explained (in an age apropriate way) that asking in a pleasent way is a lot more effective. Changing a whiney grunt to get our attention for a happy grunt to get our attention has always made us smile. Whining always changes the conversation from "you want X and I want Q" to "Lets address the whining as a problem" so generally older kids (4+) will learn very quickly that whining is a distraction from their wants and it always delays, sometimes denys their getting all or part of what they want. Basically it is the worst compromise tool they have, so they abandon it (for the most part).

[Fairy4tmama]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

Kids around this age love to use the powerful anti-compromise words. Why, Please, and Whine. This communication problem is the most common one I see with parent-child compromise.

I just don't allow "please" to be used in a forceful way. My Nephews get a kick out of the fact that with me they do not have to say please if they just ask nicely. They also were suprised the first time "I WANT A COOKIE NOW please" didn't work. I have taken the power out of please, and I think we are all much happier because of it. Please is meant to be oil on the lock, not the key to getting what you want. There are no "magic words" in our house except Abracadabra and Shazaam. It is so hard to take away the negative power of "please" that I would just prefer if it wasn't used at all. It is most often used as a substitute for being polite, rather than as a compliment to being polite.

"Why" is maybe the greatest learning tool we have and I cannot bring myself to deny it. I try not to let it be a power struggle, but to me "Why" is serious business. I do my best to answer every "Why" Usually with kids that have been "Why" denied, a "why chain" can last for a long time. I have started with "Why do we have to put our clothes away" and ended with "why don't airplanes fly under water" I am an "on a tangent" kind of person, so I don't mind. I also like to hear myself talk (if that wasn't obvious already) so it either goes till the child is so bored that he does something else or until his understanding is so complete he can't think of anything else to ask about the subject. The most important thing is that asking the same thing twice results in me asking them to explain what I told them. This gets them involved, helps them remember next time, and lets them know that "Because I said so" is just not going to happen. After just a few days of honoring why, you will be suprised at the deep and probing questions children will ask just because they know that you will explain it. They eventually stop using it to delay and start using it to learn.

Taking the negative power of "Why" away without taking the positive power away is difficult, but in my opinion it is very important.

Whining is using your voice as a weapon. It is the same as hitting someone to get your way. But most importantly, it is just plain not effective with me or my wife. Our son has been rephraising since he was 10 months old, because we have always explained (in an age apropriate way) that asking in a pleasent way is a lot more effective. Changing a whiney grunt to get our attention for a happy grunt to get our attention has always made us smile. Whining always changes the conversation from "you want X and I want Q" to "Lets address the whining as a problem" so generally older kids (4+) will learn very quickly that whining is a distraction from their wants and it always delays, sometimes denys their getting all or part of what they want. Basically it is the worst compromise tool they have, so they abandon it (for the most part).

wow shaggy daddy I learned alot from that post thanks!:

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

Try not saying no.

I am not talking about just giving in. I am talking about finding a way to give him several choices and asking him to choose. Keep open to compromise, push for compromise and I think you will find he will start instigating negotiations rather than demanding things fairly quickly. Remember that compromise has to be a two way street. If he learns that he can sway you from your original position through positive negotiations, he will learn by example that it is ok to give in a little, he will also learn that compromise is a good way to get what you want.

Sometimes specific situations are easier to play out in your head, but in general I would try to figure out what he wants, figure out what you want, and see where those two meet.

Kids around this age love to use the powerful anti-compromise words. Why, Please, and Whine. This communication problem is the most common one I see with parent-child compromise.

I just don't allow "please" to be used in a forceful way. My Nephews get a kick out of the fact that with me they do not have to say please if they just ask nicely. They also were suprised the first time "I WANT A COOKIE NOW please" didn't work. I have taken the power out of please, and I think we are all much happier because of it. Please is meant to be oil on the lock, not the key to getting what you want. There are no "magic words" in our house except Abracadabra and Shazaam. It is so hard to take away the negative power of "please" that I would just prefer if it wasn't used at all. It is most often used as a substitute for being polite, rather than as a compliment to being polite.

"Why" is maybe the greatest learning tool we have and I cannot bring myself to deny it. I try not to let it be a power struggle, but to me "Why" is serious business. I do my best to answer every "Why" Usually with kids that have been "Why" denied, a "why chain" can last for a long time. I have started with "Why do we have to put our clothes away" and ended with "why don't airplanes fly under water" I am an "on a tangent" kind of person, so I don't mind. I also like to hear myself talk (if that wasn't obvious already) so it either goes till the child is so bored that he does something else or until his understanding is so complete he can't think of anything else to ask about the subject. The most important thing is that asking the same thing twice results in me asking them to explain what I told them. This gets them involved, helps them remember next time, and lets them know that "Because I said so" is just not going to happen. After just a few days of honoring why, you will be suprised at the deep and probing questions children will ask just because they know that you will explain it. They eventually stop using it to delay and start using it to learn.

Taking the negative power of "Why" away without taking the positive power away is difficult, but in my opinion it is very important.

Whining is using your voice as a weapon. It is the same as hitting someone to get your way. But most importantly, it is just plain not effective with me or my wife. Our son has been rephraising since he was 10 months old, because we have always explained (in an age apropriate way) that asking in a pleasent way is a lot more effective. Changing a whiney grunt to get our attention for a happy grunt to get our attention has always made us smile. Whining always changes the conversation from "you want X and I want Q" to "Lets address the whining as a problem" so generally older kids (4+) will learn very quickly that whining is a distraction from their wants and it always delays, sometimes denys their getting all or part of what they want. Basically it is the worst compromise tool they have, so they abandon it (for the most part).

Amazing post. I found myself reading it carefully several times. It makes a lot of sense to me and I hadn't thought of Why, Please, and Whine as being Anti-compromise but now its obvious.

[debm]

I can't being to thank you for such a well thought out answer. I am really understanding now that we can change the dynamic and get along in a much more harmonious way. Peace and thank you again.