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Midwife kissed dd on the lips

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
We went to interview a homebirth midwife recently. As we were leaving, the midwife gave me a hug, and then kissed my 3 year old daughter on the lips. I did not like that. It seemed unsanitary, and also, I am trying to teach my daughter to kiss on the cheek. One reason is to protect her from perverts. She is very affectionate, and I don't want her to give men any ideas, by offereing kisses on the lips.

I've decided to go with this midwife, and I want to ask her to not kiss my daughter on the lips! It might be a cultural thing. Although she has no accent at all, she does have a non-American first and last name.

Do you think she will be offended? It's very important for me emotionally to have everything out in the open with my midwife, and not have anything festering. I am upset about what she did, but would get over it if she agreed to not do it again.
post #2 of 21
I'd tell her what you said here. That it's nothing personal, but you're trying to teach your daughter only cheek kisses.

ETA: She might be a little embarassed, but if she gets nasty about it, better that you know now.
post #3 of 21
:

My midwife hugged everybody. She wasn't a kisser thankfully

But yes, much better to know now, should it sway your decision to go with a different midwife.
post #4 of 21
Thread Starter 
What do you think about emailing her? I could include it with a list of questions I came up with since our visit. If I wait until our first appointment, I'll have already given her the $400 deposit. Then it might be harder to switch if I don't like her response.
post #5 of 21
I would probably call her or say it in person.

Of course, if your nervous about telling her then sure in an e-mail. I just think things are better done in person, or on the phone.
post #6 of 21
I guess the fact that she's a midwife wouldn't change my reaction one iota. What if it had been your mailman???

She's a person, who kissed your child on the lips, something that made your very uncomfortable. I would say something about it and frankly I wouldn't be inclined to go with that midwife because I think personal space issues are kind of important when it comes to a birth attendant but maybe that's just me.
post #7 of 21
It wouldn't upset me, as I think it's an acceptable gesture. I'm not THAT comfy with it, but I don't find it horrible

HOWEVER, you don't think it's OK - so it's not appropriate to you - say something

"MW, I know she's so precious, it's hard to help it, but both DD and myself are uncomfortable with kissing on the lips... it's awkward for us, do you mind a quick hug instead ?"

In other words, the fact that she did it? shouldn't be a "bad sign" but if she argues with you or continues to do it? THEN it's a problem!
post #8 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle
I guess the fact that she's a midwife wouldn't change my reaction one iota. What if it had been your mailman???...
well, I think the relationship between a woman & a midwife more intimate & close than between a woman and a mailman

Quote:
Originally Posted by lerlerler
In other words, the fact that she did it? shouldn't be a "bad sign" but if she argues with you or continues to do it? THEN it's a problem!
Totally agree!
post #9 of 21
I would say something. If she shows she can't respect your boundries this is the time to know. We all know this could be a cultural thing and no harm meant but her reaction to no kissing dd on the lips will be more of a statement of character than a one time un-intential advent.

I am not a hugger. I have people hug me and violate my space all the time. I don't hold that against them unless I tell them and they still don't respect my space. People cannot read your mind.
post #10 of 21
I'd say something... be it in email or in person. You can make it a quick aside... y'know we're really trying to teach her to kiss on the cheek, not the lips. Would you mind just giving her a hug next time?
post #11 of 21
I am born and raised in US and was taught to kiss on the cheek. But I now kiss little ones on the lips. Just the little ones though I don't know why. I don't think about it really.


Perhaps you could say to your dd the next time you see midwife "give 'midwife' a kiss hello, but remember....on the cheek" i am sure the miswife would get the hint. Most mdiwives understand about making others feel comfortable.

Basically, let her know but don't make it a big deal. My family is one for making a HUGE deal out of things. In a serious voice I hear "Candice, I really need to talk to you." then they take me into a private room and is a hushed serious voice say something like "I need you to buy dog food for you dog I am taking care of" (was in an apartment that wouldn't allow pets and she was taking car of dog) It was so serious that I thought for sure she was going to say something like "I have cancer, I have 6 months to live" Why could she have just said..."hay Candice, that pain in the but dog of yours eats more food than what you are paying for. Show me the money!" Anyway...just make a hint like the "dd, give her a kiss but remember, only on the cheek" or in a casual way say somthing like "I know it is a little thing but could your kisses be on the cheek. We loves kisses!"
post #12 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh

Perhaps you could say to your dd the next time you see midwife "give 'midwife' a kiss hello, but remember....on the cheek" i am sure the miswife would get the hint. Most mdiwives understand about making others feel comfortable.
This would be my suggestion too. If you are ok with kisses on the cheek then I would just make that more obvious. "Do you want to give 'midwife' a kiss on the cheek?" then if the midwife goes for the lips again you can just say "Oh, we're trying to teach her on the cheek" and it won't seem like a big deal.
post #13 of 21
Quote:
Basically, let her know but don't make it a big deal. My family is one for making a HUGE deal out of things. In a serious voice I hear "Candice, I really need to talk to you." then they take me into a private room and is a hushed serious voice say something like "I need you to buy dog food for you dog I am taking care of" (was in an apartment that wouldn't allow pets and she was taking car of dog) It was so serious that I thought for sure she was going to say something like "I have cancer, I have 6 months to live" Why could she have just said..."hay Candice, that pain in the but dog of yours eats more food than what you are paying for. Show me the money!"
OMG, dh does this all the time! My heart sinks and I feel like I'm going to throw up, sure that he's about to tell me that someone called while I was out and a family member died, or he got fired, or something awful. Then he says something like "I don't think I'll be able to take Wednesday off to go the field trip with you." Jeezus, could you please just say that BEFORE you take two years off of my life?

Back on topic - my style would be to bring it up in a roundabout way. Find an opening and say something along the lines of, yeah, it's very important to us to respect personal boundaries, which is why we are teaching dd to only kiss on the lips.

I did want to say that although I absolutely think you should respect your personal boundaries and what makes you feel comfortable, I don't think that a 3yo can "give someone the wrong idea" no matter where they kiss them. A 3yo can do whatever they want to me, and I am not going to respond in a sexual way, because I'm not a predator. And if I am, I imagine that it doesn't matter if the 3yo kisses me on the lips or not. A person is a pedophile or they aren't, and although I know you don't intend it this way, coaching your daughter on how to behave as to not encourage a pedophile is in essence placing some of the responsibility on her.

Anyhow, I'm not saying that you are wrong to feel uncomfortable, I may feel uncomfortable about it as well. But I don't think it is the most effective way to approach safety with regard to sexual molestation.
post #14 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by bu's mama
well, I think the relationship between a woman & a midwife more intimate & close than between a woman and a mailman
I totally disagree. This midwife was a total and complete stranger in her dd's eyes (and maybe the OP's eyes as well before this meeting??). You see a mailman every day. Unless I'm misreading something the OP only JUST hired the midwife so it's not like she knows her or dd well enough to do that yet.

I'm just saying.... personal space issues are big for me and this would be enough for me to turn her down. And I also wanted to point out that this thread would be going bananas if it was the mailman who kissed her on the lips, and IMO the fact that it's a midwife doesn't mean to me that you should suppress your gut reaction and live with being uncomfortable without saying anything. A person is a person... they did something that bugged you - either say something or end the relationship.
post #15 of 21

i would say something.

i do not think it should hurt her feelings.
be nice about it.
and ask her to please not kiss your daughter.
post #16 of 21
Personally, I wouldn't want to make a big deal about it. Next time I see her I would just watch them really close. If I saw the mw moving in I would just quickly speak up and say "we only kiss on the cheek" in a easy-going way. That SHOULD be enough to stop her in and of itself. If not then more explaing/conversing are in order!

Also, just a thought; not that it's your daughter's responsibility, but maybe you could talk to her about it and encourage her to speak up?? (course you can too). Maybe it would be good practice for her in asserting herself in that way since this is an issue for you guys??
post #17 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by bu's mama
well, I think the relationship between a woman & a midwife more intimate & close than between a woman and a mailman
Well, that depends. In some cases, an intimate relationship with the mailman can lead to needing a midwife!
post #18 of 21
My dd3 (three years old) likes to kiss me on the lips. Honestly, I'd prefer we kiss on the cheek but I will if she insists. A person (midwife or not) whom we just met? No way. That would feel REALLY off to me.

But everyone has different comfort levels. I am a hugger. I will hug anyone that I am fond of - kid or adult. Some people don't want you in their personal space, even if you have a close relationship to them.

I think I'd call the midwife - or mention to her if you'll see her before you have to do any paying - that you are glad she is fond of your dd but you'd be more comfortable with a hug or a kiss on the cheek in the future.

You definitely don't want anything to be bugging you or get in the way of your trust/attutide toward the midwife. Fix it up now and be done with it. I am sure it will be fine if you just deal with it quickly and with a light tone.
post #19 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristine233
This would be my suggestion too. If you are ok with kisses on the cheek then I would just make that more obvious. "Do you want to give 'midwife' a kiss on the cheek?" then if the midwife goes for the lips again you can just say "Oh, we're trying to teach her on the cheek" and it won't seem like a big deal.
I think this sounds like the most unakward way to go about it. I think this sounds like a great way to bring it up casually!
post #20 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristine233
This would be my suggestion too. If you are ok with kisses on the cheek then I would just make that more obvious. "Do you want to give 'midwife' a kiss on the cheek?" then if the midwife goes for the lips again you can just say "Oh, we're trying to teach her on the cheek" and it won't seem like a big deal.
Yes, what she said! I'll never forget the day that my grandfather kissed me on the lips (no worries, he's sooooooo not the pervy type of grandfather, I think he just missed my cheek!) It weirded me out, so I made sure next time to be the one to initiate the goodbye kiss....planted firmly on the cheek. No embarassment for either of us, that way.
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