Need help with 6 year old - consequence for a BIG lie - Page 2

[LynnS6]

when I was in Kindergarten (it was spring, so I was 6), I decided one day to walk home with a friend, rather than walking home from school (we lived about 2 blocks from school). I didn't tell my mom, I just went. And his mom apparently didn't question why/how I was there.

What I do remember is how upset my mother was and how big an impression it made on me when she told me how she was worried, she didn't know where I was and that I was never, ever to go somewhere without telling her. I honestly don't remember if there was a punishment, but I don't think there was.

How about this: Tell your daughter the truth: "I am now worried because I won't know if you're where you are supposed to be. What can you do to help me not be so worried?" That IS a natural consequence, and it has the emotional force of real worry behind it. It could be that she has to call you from the sitter's when she gets there. It could be that she isn't allowed to get on the bus herself, but has to walk with a teacher. Whatever makes YOU feel comfortable. That's the REAL issue.

[Yooper]

I did that once when I was 6! My parents were building a new house and had already sold their old house. We were living in a rental house. I was suppose to take the bus to the rental house some days and the new house other days. One day, I noticed the bus stopped near my old house. I have no idea why, but I decided to get off there. Why the driver let me, I will never know. Anyway, I waltzed right up to the door and knocked. The new owners luckily recognized me and called my parents. My mom told me she was worried but I did not get in trouble. She asked me to not do it again. She followed up by speaking to the bus driver and my teacher. Explained what happened and asked that they keep an eye on which bus and stop I got on. I never tried it again. I probably would not have tried it again had I been punished either. But the difference is, I look back at it as a silly thing I did. Not something really negative.

She might have wanted to do it just to see what would happen. Maybe she was worried that she would forget some day and wanted to be sure that the "plan" would work out. If she does do it again for whatever reason (by accident or on purpose) you want her to do the right steps and contact you. If she fears getting in trouble, she might try to conceal her deed by just hanging out alone in the house (eek) rather than calling you or telling a neighbor.

I know how scary this must be for you. And I am sure you want to make 100% sure it does not happen again. I am not sure that is possible. The best you can do is make sure the school and bus people know what is suppose to happen and hope they are the stop-measure from allowing it to happen again. Whether you choose to punish your dd for it or not probably will not have much bearing on whether she will try it again IMO.

[choli]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

I think the consequences are exactly right. It sounds to me like she was excited by the idea of having an emergency procedure and did not fully understand that it's unacceptable to create an emergency on purpose. Now she knows.

Next time you need to instruct her about what to do if things go wrong, role-play the procedure and then remind her, "Now you know how it feels. You know that it works. Never do it on purpose, only in a real emergency."

IMO, there is nothing to be gained by telling her horror stories about kidnappers. Instead, I would emphasize her responsibility to the family: You are counting on her to go to the right places on the right days so that you know where she is and can do your work rather than worrying about her or having to go pick her up; it's okay if she makes a mistake, but it's not okay to pretend to make a mistake.

I agree that the school should be making sure kids this age get on the right busses. However, I think you're absolutely right to give your daughter instructions and tell her to be responsible for following them. The idea is for the school to be her back-up in case she really does forget.

Mirlee wrote: If you are uncertain about the answers to these questions, go over them with your daughter. Try to find two neighbors who are usually home at that time (so that if one happens not to be home, the other probably will be) who can call you if your daughter has a problem getting into the house or using the phone.

From the original post:You may have addressed this already, but if not, make sure she knows that if she misses the bus she's supposed to take, the correct response is to have the school office call you--or whatever is the correct response, but not getting on the wrong bus.

She says she "wasn't able to get the phone to work." Maybe some practice using the phone is needed.

Overall, I think you handled this really well. It's common for kids this age to experiment with lying. Appropriate consequences can help to nip it in the bud.

I agree with every word! The upside of this is that you know that your daughter is very well able to deal with the bus situation, and that she is well able to cope if she finds herself home alone, so you know that you are not asking too much for her age. OK, she was a little over adventurous, but my guess is that she won't do it again.

I was like that as a kid too, I would have been SO tempted to "test the system"

[zeldamomma]

Oh my, I did that when I was little!

One of my earliest memories was deciding to take the wrong bus home from kindergarten (not really thinking through the fact that it wouldn't take me home) because my bus driver yelled a lot, and I didn't like it. So I walked around the busline and got on a bus with a friendly-looking driver. Luckily there were some kids I knew from church on the bus, so I went home with them, and their parents called my mom. I didn't lie about it, but I knew I was doing the wrong thing.

As soon as I saw my mom, I knew it was a BIG BIG deal. I never did anything like that again. I imagine I was punished, but I don't remember the punishment, just the look on my mom's face.

ZM

[ShadowMom]

I guess I will have to be an exception...

It sounds like your daughter is exploring her independence, and being alone, and what will happen in situations. Exploring just like a 16 month old would, only now she's 6 so she's exploring different things.

It would disturb me to be lied to, but honestly, I think most kids (and adults) lie at least some of the time.

I guess I would not necessarily see it as a "bad" thing that she did. I don't know your daughter, and I sure don't have a 6 year old yet! But just from the outsider's standpoint, it sounds like she was just exploring what would happen (what does it feel like to be AWOL? What does it feel like to do this stuff independently?).

Maybe you can talk to her and explain the dangers involved (without it being overblown of course) and why you were scared, and see if she will agree to not do it again.

Just offering a different opinion.

[Fuamami]

Well, I think what you did sounds great! I wouldn't consider that punishment. You were honest with her, you told her you couldn't quite trust her yet and wanted to be sure she had it figured out, and now you're giving her a chance to make the safe decisions.

I think it would have been a mistake to take away her favorite toy for a week or something, which is kind of what I had thought when you had originally mentioned punishment. But I really admire how you handled it, I'm filing it away for future reference.

[slightly crunchy]

I'm with Roar. I think this is an awful lot to expect of a 6 year old. Of course every kid is at a different level of maturity, but 6 seems awfully little to keep track of this.

I was responsible beyond my years as a child. Yet I remember having nightmares about getting on the wrong bus and ending up who knows where.

Seeing parents upset is a good natural consequence, but maybe what is being learned here is that she is not ready for the full responsibility right now. I would make sure that the bus driver and the teacher are double checking with her when it is time to go home. Or possibly have the babysitter pick her up from school for a few weeks. don't know if that is a possibility.

[nextcommercial]

Hmm..

O.K, in my veiw, her original idea was stupid. BUT, she did tell you the truth. SHe didn't try to proceed with the lie.

Also, I would be mad too. But, since she isn't mine, I can say this....

I am kinda impressed! My child at age six could not have done this. She would have been too fearful to intentionally take the wrong bus, just to have the experience.

Sorry, but I think I like her!!!!

But, it was wrong. Very very wrong.

I personally couldn't punish her. But, I would let her know how disappointed I was that she made that choice. I would REMIND her sternly that this had better never happen again.

ALso, for me as a child. If I had known that My parents paid for me to be at daycare whether I went or not, that would have made me more responsible about going.

Be proud of her! She is smart, brave, and adventurous. All of which I was not at her age.

[hipumpkins]

I was in 1st grade walking back from getting ice pak at the nurses office. It occured to me that I could so easily just walk out the door and leave. (I hated my 1st grade teacher) It was like a , "Holy cow I'm in charge of me" feeling. I remember it perfectly. I went out the door down the stairs and walked right ouside...I was free! I couldn't believe it. I started to walk home but the kindergarten teacher saw me out the window. The principal drove up to get me but I thoguht I could I hide behind a telephone pole. He was trying to get me in the car when the cops came b/c a neighbor called the police on some strnager trying to force akid in a car.
anyway, my mom was so upset and I got a "good" talking to by everyone involved. I will never forget it. I didn't run away from school again...well not unitl high school and we called that "cutting"

Ps..i was also taken out of that mean teachers class.


I think the stern talking to will work and it probably was just somehting she had to get out of her system...just to see what it felt like. I can totally relate!

[Plummeting]

I wouldn't have punished her. 6 is way too young to be expected to do all of that on her own. The teachers and bus drivers should be aware of what's supposed to happen and make sure it does.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Hmm..

O.K, in my veiw, her original idea was stupid. BUT, she did tell you the truth. SHe didn't try to proceed with the lie.

Also, I would be mad too. But, since she isn't mine, I can say this....

I am kinda impressed! My child at age six could not have done this. She would have been too fearful to intentionally take the wrong bus, just to have the experience.

Sorry, but I think I like her!!!!

But, it was wrong. Very very wrong.

I personally couldn't punish her. But, I would let her know how disappointed I was that she made that choice. I would REMIND her sternly that this had better never happen again.

....

Be proud of her! She is smart, brave, and adventurous.

:

[Mizelenius]

For me, the biggest thing wouldn't be the lie, it would be the fact that something horrible could have happened to her! You must have been so scared!

Anyway, I read in Protecting the Gift that we can't expect our children to take care of themselves. We can't expect for them to remember our safety rules because it's like asking a 6 yo to be her own sitter. That just doesn't work. That's why ITA with the pps that the school dropped the ball, not your DD.

I don't know what I'd do as a consequence . . .I think what you did, telling her your feelings is the wisest thing. I think you want to ALWAYS encourage her for telling the truth ultimately. In other words, you don't want her to hide negative behavior. You want her to be able to tell you everything because it could save her life someday.

[isabel rose]

when we did child studies at school our principal confessed she only ever smacked one of her 4 children once -because he deliberately disobeyed her and swam in a dangerous flooded river. The message that I took from this was that she let her child know how terrified she was because she was someone totally against punishment and yet he frightened her so much that she stopped thinking and went 'primative' on his ar*e (sorry couldn't resist the pun).
Are you wanting to punish your dd because of her or because of you?
What she did was terrifying for you, but she saw it as an experiment/adventure because she doesn't understand the dangers... All you can really do is reiterate what you've already said.
(My mother taught us safety techniques, look before you cross the road, 000(911) for the police, go for the balls & run etc because other than handcuffs she had no way of keeping us inside... I am so terrified of dd starting to walk!)
and as for that she lied, punishing tends to make lying happen, not the otherway round, even Anne of Green Gables knew that!

[Mytwokids]

When I wrote this initially I was freaked out and wanted to instill the message (strongly) that she was not allowed to make these types of decisions. I wrote in an earlier post what we did. I would never hit my child so that was never an option. At the time I didn't feel that my feelings of disappointment would be enough to instill that message. I wanted a guarantee it wouldn't happen again and even though I logically realized punishment wouldn't guarantee it my instinct was trying to tell me it would. I know there are no guarantees and that I just have to equip her with the tools to hopefully make better choices.

I actually recognized how upset I was at the time so I didn't really deal with it at all and told her we would wait until daddy got home. It was inbetween the time that I got home and dh got home that I initially wrote the post. I do think that she got the message that this wasn't okay and I don't think she will do it again. But there was more of an impact than the potential of something bad happening, she impacted a lot of other people and I wanted her to understand that as well. That was the reason for the apology letters.

I do think at the time my feeling like I needed to punish was first to show the magnitude of what she did and to instill that she is not allowed to make those big types of decisions and then partly it was my own feelings of helplessness. I recognized that at the time which is why I didn't deal with it immediately. If I had I would have screamed! But in the way that we handled it I think the message was sent appropriately and hopefully it was taken to heart.

Now my issue with the school. Her teacher actually handled it pretty well and delivered a very similar message. She told her that she put herself in potential danger and that she inconvenienced a lot of people with her bad decision. She found her a bus buddy and reminds her daily of which bus to take. But after talking to her again yesterday the bottom line is that it is my dds responsibility to get on the right bus. She said that no one is going to hold her hand and put her on the right bus. At this point I'm fairly confident that isn't necessary anyway but I'm surprised by the schools bus policy.

I can't remember which poster it was but for the one who commented on her being confident and brave, well yes she is. I know its a positive trait in the long run but wow its hard to deal with sometimes. She is so independent and strong and confident. I feel like I have to walk the balance between teaching her safety while not squashing her strength, all while wanting to hold her close to me and never let go.

[wasabi]

Well I totally agree with EnviroBetty. I think you did a great job handling consequences. I'm a little surprised that the school accepts no responsibility for getting her on the right bus. I mean she is only 6 years old. I sometimes pick up an 11 yo for a friend. There are mothers that stand outside and monitor pick-ups. They know who I am and they wouldn't let her go with someone who was not on her approved list. And that's for a 5th grader. I don't know it's just a bit surprising to me.

[Jster]

I have a very independent 5 year old, so a lot of what you're saying sounds like the future to me

Here's my take: I sometimes forget/hide/suppress showing my real emotions, and anger comes out instead. What you were really feeling was absolute terror over what could have happened to your daughter, it didn't really matter much whether it was accidental or on purpose, the real problem is how unstable the situation is and how scared you are. And it's GOOD to recognize your fear, accept it, and make choices based on it. I am working through Protecting the Gift, and one of the main messages is to listen to your fears. Even though you are now pinning this on your daughter (SHE did this, SHE chose to put herself in risk, etc.) the risk is still there, because a mistake/accident could happen someday. What if one day, she has art on Tuesday instead of Monday, and forgets that it's Tuesday, and goes home? So I'd remember to show her your fears as well as your anger, and try to find some solution in the situation that takes away your fear...something which, in your mind, relieves your worry and makes you feel like the problem of where your daughter goes is resolved. Only that will solve the real problem here, which is your daughter's safety. Lying is only a small surface problem, because she shouldn't really have that much control.

[to give some perspective, we have a county wide school district, with major bussing, and last year three children died because of being dropped off at the wrong bus stops and hit by cars, and another wandered for hours. Now the elementary school that my dd goes to has an actual bus attendant, in addition to the driver, to MAKE SURE that no kids are left in the wrong places. Why? Because they finally realized that it's a problem, that the child is their responsibility, etc. I'd almost take this up to a higher level in the school, say the principal, and really require them to do their job of monitoring. I think that would solve the underlying problem of your daughter's supervision. ]

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Jster

last year three children died because of being dropped off at the wrong bus stops and hit by cars, and another wandered for hours.

OMG-- you'd think something would've been done after the 1st . . .or second!