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I want to run away and never come home again

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 
I hate to post this here because I feel like I am negative too much, but I am so depressed and have nobody to talk to right now.

My baby is breastfed and has her second ear infection within a month She is only barely 5mos old.
My son is a whiny little brat all the time. He cries constantly if you tell him no and take something from him that he is abusing..like writing on furniture. He whines ALL THE TIME I just get up and he WANTS WANTS WANTS. He was potty trained at school, but refuses to do so here. He does NOT listen. He won't ever do anything we tell him to.
My baby uses at LEAST 20 diapers a day Plus my son's dipes.
I can NEVER even get a complete load of laundry done in a day, or I can't eat. When I do eat, I have to get up ALL the time because one of the two kids are crying.
I am trapped in this run down he!! hole 24-7 because the weather is bad.
Then my husband gets home and starts in on me.
I love my baby, but my son is very unloveable and he is good at daycare, but not here. I gave him lots of love and attention before the baby got here, and I try to give him lots now, but I am only one person. I can't do everything. I cannot be a mommy, and wife to my husband. He needs to smarten up and learn to do things without me. I cannot even leave him alone with the kids because I am terrified that he won't watch them good enough, and I am afraid my son will hurt the baby.
Now we have no daycare because it was too expensive, and we are moving soon. I can't wait to move, because dh's mom will help me out, but I am supposed to be finishing painting the bathroom and kitchen which I started and never finished. I am going insane forgetting things all the time
I feel like I have Alzheimers. I hate myself for being so angry, sad, and depressed all the time. I am going to call my med-manager today and tell her that I MUST go back on my Zoloft, and hope it won't hurt the baby. I see that lots of moms here take it, without problems, so I guess I should be able to also. I took it while nursing my son, and I am just afraid that is why he has emotional problems.
Something has got to give. I can't stand this anymore. I just want to drive off and never look back.

Please tell me I am not alone
post #2 of 34
Oh Hon!! You sound like you need a break! Is there someone who can come watch the kids (just for an hour or two) for you to take some time for yourself? Not to paint, but just to take a bath or do something relaxing and rejuvenating? Maybe go out for a walk?

I hope you feel better soon!!!!!
post #3 of 34
Thread Starter 
No. I am alone. Nobody to help There is another snow storm outside. I was better when the weather got better, but it is dark in here and dreary, and if I open the drapes there will be a breeze coming through, and it is dark out anyways.
Thanks for replying, though. At least somebody cares.
post #4 of 34
Moving is so stressfull....not to mention being left with the two kiddos and being expected to be productive!

I'd suggest giving the 3yo a paintbush...but that is a VERY scary thought

I'm guessing the kiddos don't sleep at the same time? That would, of course, be far too easy...

You know, the only thing that gets me through many-a-day is repeating to myself that my kids are only this age once in their lives....

can you bribe your oldest to use the bathroom? I ended up giving ds1 a sticker every time he went in the toilet and when he had 10 stickers he'd get a special treat (dessert or he'd get to choose what we had for dinner...). It worked really well, once I started asking him if he wanted to try to go potty every 30 minutes. He was willing to try, just in case he did have to go at all so he could get a sticker...

I'm SO hoping for better weather soon so I can take our 7yos outside for more than 10 minutes. We're all going crazy with cabin fever and trying to adjust to the new babe. Dishes are piled everywhere and laundry is overflowing.
By 6pm I'm usually ready to give up on cd--ds2 wets or messes as soon as I get a clean dipe on him....

but...they are only this age once....ds1 will eventually learn that you don't have to vocalize every thought that goes through your head and that talking back/arguing with your sleep-deprived mother is only going to get you in more trouble....
and ds2 will eventually chill out and sleep for more than 30 minutes...

and as for dh....well maybe he'll eventually catch a clue...but I'm not going to hold my breath...

I'm sending lots of sunny weather vibes your way!

post #5 of 34
{{{HUGS}}} Lots of us understand and lots of us care, Hon. I'm sorry you feel like this right now. It's awful when you just need to get away and can't. Here's a website that has helped me get through many a day. Even if you don't want to subscribe to the program, go about halfway down the page and click on "Flying with Babies" and/or "Flying with Toddlers". Good luck and keep us updated. http://www.flylady.net
post #6 of 34
Wow, you need a break...NOW! I could be wrong, but it sounds like it may be more important right now for your husband to take a day or even just an afternoon off and watch the kids while you have a long, toasty soak in the bathtub with a fluffy (but good) book or get out for a walk in the trees or in a mall or SOMETHING, despite your fears about how well or poorly your dh will watch the kids. The kids will probably survive. Your dh will probably survive. If they're not happy, however, then it's just too bad for them, 'cos it's time to take care of YOURSELF. Pump a bottle or two of breastmilk, tell your hubby to get his butt home PRONTO and then check out! Just do it! Tell your hubby that if he doesn't get his butt home ASAP, that you'll lose it and go out to the interstate to hitch a ride with a trucker to sunny California and never come back.

Please let us know how you're doing!!
post #7 of 34
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the encouraging words. The baby has been asleep for a few hours It must be since she is sick, but I am going to wake her up now.

We usually have pizzas, either homemade or frozen for dinner on Saturdays, but I made one for lunch It won't kill us to have too much pizza if it keeps me sane for now. I was actually able to eat 3 slices, and some carrot sticks, and sit and relax. I asked my son to be quiet for 2 minutes, and he actually complied for once and was quiet for all of 2 minutes, a good start for him.

I did try to bribe the little guy with stickers, but he didn't stick to it. I am going to have to try again. The only time they nap together is in the car.

I took a 50mg zoloft today, I decided I need to start taking it again. I just need it, and that's that. I have to stop and think which is worse for my baby...her seeing mommy scream and throw tantrums, or for mommy to take meds. Since other nursing moms take it with no complications, I decided to do it. Hopefully it will kick in soon

I do definitely need a break. I am going to try to get out into the sun again as soon as it warms up. I am also going to get us on a schedule for t.v. and internet. I find myself online far too much.

I am going to go wake up miss Abigail so I can cuddle her, and fold some diapers..that is good therapy.
post #8 of 34
bladestar, big hugs and warm support, i have felt pretty similarly, and it is hard in the winter! hang in there and again, warm support to you and your family.
post #9 of 34
i feel your pain! it must be hard with two... i have one and still lose it sometimes... okay, A LOT. i probably should be on zoloft (i was before i got pregnant for years) but did not know it was safe. isolation is a biggie. can you get out at all? i am not talking to the grocery store, but somewhere like a children's museum or a play area at a mall where you don't have to say no all the time . that was my salvation over the winter (i'm in NE). recently i have just wanted to run away and say, come on kid, i nurse you, you sleep with us,, i've never made you cry it out, what could you possible be crabby about??? but then i think this too shall pass... my guy is 13 months and just started napping on his own (after i go through a ton of girations (SP?) to get him down.. bounce, nurse, etc.). your guy is almost 3 and supposedly when the tantrums subside and end by 4. and the books never lie, right? good luck to you, i think we all feel like we want to run away sometimes.
here's an idea: go to your local 24 hour fitness or tother gym that offers a trial day for a fee... send your kids to the daycare and sit in their hot tub or swim in the pool.
good luck to you... nikki
post #10 of 34

Not much encouragement from me I'm afraid, because I so often feel the same as you. Sympathy, I got tons of that! The whiny thing is the worst. Being stuck inside sucks. Once you can get him out, it will help a lot. I set my son up with a bucket of water and a paintbrush. He "paints" the whole backyard while I sit on my fat fanny in the sun while baby sleeps. Occupying him seems like the best thing you can do right now. It is hard to keep a little guy like that occupied without constant interaction/supervision so that you can finish that dup of coffee/read one stinkin' article in the magazine, but what can you do?

Now that I am posting, I can’t see how old your ds is, but can he use scissors yet (again--scary thought)? The day my ds could use scissors and glue was a happy happy day. I got a bunch of old magazines and let him cut and paste onto old scrap paper. I’ll think of some more things, but #2ds is waking up!

Good luck, honey—you really really are not the only one.

post #11 of 34
Bladestar5, I have been in your shoes, just a couple years ago as a matter of fact. I know people talk about the terrible twos, but let me tell you, I thought that three was SOOOOOOOO much worse! Not to freak you out, but to assure you that what your son is doing is NORMAL. My son turned three and suddenly became whiny, deaf, and blind.: It was all about the same time that the baby began to get mobile so that just made things worse.

As for the Zoloft, I got a bunch of research from a friend who was on Celexa and Welbutrin through her entire pregancy. In the research it states that a baby would have to nurse for two years to get the amount of medication that a fetus gets in one day. I know countless moms who have been on antidepressants through their pregnancy and have nursed after. I am going to try to go off my meds this summer to get pregnant, but if I can't I will trust God and go on Zoloft. Psychiatrists and obgyns are very supportive of being on ad's while pregnant, it seems strange that some still question it for nursing. Zoloft is the safest, I wouldn't let this be something that worries you.

Come join us on the PPD board, if you need support.
post #12 of 34
Bladestar, Meg's Mom is right. FlyLady has some uncanny insight into real life and how we look at things. She turned my life around.

I feel for you because I've been there! When dd was born, we had just moved to Virginia and knew no one. She was a HN baby who cried all the time and never seemed to sleep.

What kept me alive and sane was walking. Give it a try. If the weather is bad, drive to an indoor mall. (Maybe they'll fall asleep in the car. If so, keep driving for a little extra peace.) When you arrive at the mall, put the kids in a backpack, stroller, frontpack or whatever they like, but just walk, and walk FAST. Walk til you're really tired, even sweaty. When the kids finally do take a nap, write! I wrote some terribly depressing things, some so bad that I destroyed them. There's something about writing on a napkin and taking a match to it when you're done. Poof! It's gone forever. No one will know and it's off your chest.

I'd say try to find like-minded friends, but that didin't work for me. I could never find any since I was such a wreck, emotionally and physically. People just wanted to get out of my way.

If you can get someone to watch the kids for just a little while, a gym or a movie or a yoga class can go a long way toward increasing your own personal peace. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of everyone else!


Oh, yeah, remember to eat ice cream right from the carton when no one is watching!
post #13 of 34
Hugs to you, mama. What you described was me with PPD. Please take your med and feel better and enjoy your babies. (Hang in there, honey. They get whiney just in time to prepare you to send them off to school for a big part of the day. Good luck!)
post #14 of 34

it also sounds like maybe along with the

PPD you have a touch of SAD. Could you check into your ins covering the special lights too?
I can only offer a hug and cyber tea as I have no one either other than my teen and I try not to depend on him too much and burn him out

I hope the move goes well and things look up soon


TEA with lemon and honey
post #15 of 34
oh autumn,

i'm so sorry i feel even worse for not responding to your e-mail (i am terrible w/e-mail)

we should meet at the mall w/the kiddos next week. i have no idea how much longer this crappy weather (it's freakin' icing out!!!) will last.

i will talk to you soon, but let's set a time to meet at the mall and just putz around. the weather *will* be nice soon.

post #16 of 34
Autumn! I'm so sorry your having such a rough time. But I think most of us would be having a rough time in your shoes right now. Two kids under three, no help, and trapped in the house. Sounds like a recipe for craziness to me!

I remember right after I had my 2nd baby -- for like, maybe the first year, I was convinced that I hated my older son. It made me so sad. One minute he was the center of my universe and the next, I could barely stand him. It was honestly traumatic. I lost my tolerance for his age-appropriate behavior because next to the baby he seemed almost grown up! Sometimes I just lost it with him.

One thing that *really* helped us was for me to start having "dates" with my older son. For some reason when it was just him and me, out doing something special -- I would suddenly remember why I liked him so much. And he would feel more connected to me. And that sense of connectedness would sort of last into the next few days and keep me reasonably sane.

Do you think your dh could handle keeping just the baby for a couple hours?
post #17 of 34
Is this an emoticon for chocolate?
post #18 of 34

Oh I'm sorry things are so awful for you right now!!

I have a whiny 3 1/2 year old, and I must admit, he gets a lot more TV than I'd care to admit. I work full time, I doubt I'd be able to do it ALL DAY without loosing my mind.
My house looks like a bomb went off most of the time, and so long as the floors are not full of cat hair, I am not worried about anything else.
I have often felt the urge to get in the car and just DRIVE, or even just sit in the darn car in the driveway so I don't hear the whining, crying and fussing going on.

I hope the Zoloft kicks in soon, I was on that a few years ago - and Prozac for a while as well. It really will make a huge difference.

post #19 of 34
Bladestar5 - It's snowing here too, today was seriously dreary. I felt down with a fraction of your troubles.

Winter is hard. Ds is going through a similar whiny stage. The thing that really helps me is braving the elements. DS doesn't seem to mind the weather (except for the fact that he has to get a snowsuit on). Sometimes it is soooooooo hard to get out of the house, but I don't think I have ever regretted it.

Today I had to drag DS out (I had to go to the bank) but we ended up playing in a park for an hour freezing our hands and other parts off. But he was so happy sitting there in the freezing rain (literally, everything had a layer of ice on it), playing with sand, ice, swings and slides.

Just remember in the snow everywhere is a playground for a kid

Though as much as I like winter I'm sending us all sunshine wishes.
post #20 of 34
Originally posted by Bladestar5
It won't kill us to have too much pizza if it keeps me sane for now.
well said. My dh LIVED on pizza in college and he is a strapping guy these days. And my mom used to say that pizza is a balanced meal just as long as its not paired with soda.
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