What to Say/Do If Anything....

[peacelovingmama]

So I have seen numerous threads about how to/or whether to intervene when we witness violence against children. This is sort of the opposite question.

Today on BART (our subway), I witnessed some really lovely parenting. A young toddler was very fussy and was giving him mama a real run for the money. She nursed him, held him while stroking his hair, distracted him, reassured him, and generally responded in a loving and gentle manner. He was still fussy off and on but she was working hard.

Anyway, I witnessed 2 people on the train giving her dirty looks. One woman, who was attending a disabled man, actually muttered "F-in' screaming kid!" I got the feeling they would have been pleased had the mama resorted to violence. (sidenote: it struck me as ironic because she was very accommodating with the disabled man, who also was a bit disruptive. I don't understand why some people are ok with accommodating the elderly, disabled, etc. but are so harsh with our youngest members of society).

Anyway, my question is this: I really wanted to say something supportive to the loving mama. I know the situation was stressful for her and I wanted her to know that not everyone on the train was clamoring for violence or silence. What could I have said without being patronizing or condescending? I ended up saying nothing because I didn't want it to come out wrong. Any words of wisdom?

[ejmom777]

hmmmm...dunno .. I'm with you though. I definately wouldve been racking my brain to think of something nice to say & loud enough so the old man could here me.
like...maybe.. Your child is so lucky to have such a wonderful mother like you... If only every mother were just as loving/ caring/ gentle/ smart/ understanding. etc.
I guess it doesn't have to be so sappy if you don't want it to be.. maybe more like...
You child or baby is so lucky to have such a sweet mom. Wish there were more moms like you.

I'm sure I could think of smthing better but I'm in a rush. HTH

[LynnS6]

"I really admire how patient and loving you are being with your son. It's hard to be on BART with a fussy toddler."

"I just love it when I witness really lovely parenting like you're doing with your son. Thanks for making my day."

I think saying something is important. I remember that after a long plane ride where my kids had been pretty good (but not perfect), the woman in the row in front of me said something like "Your kids were very good on the long ride." I replied "Well, they're good kids." and she responded "Well, I could tell that you were working hard too." That made my day! (I HAD been working hard to keep them occupied, not fighting, etc.)

[heartmama]

I did this in the post office last year. Pregnant woman had a very, very active 2 year old in a loooooooooong line. She never once slapped or threatened him and I was waiting for it the entire time. The dirty looks she had were enough to make ME cringe inside. When we reached the U in the line I was standing opposite her. I tapped her on the shoulder and said something like 'I just want you to know I'm amazed at what a patient mother you are with him". She seemed bewildered and played down the compliment. But another person agreed with me and I think she was very encouraged.

I've also seen moms loving on babies in slings, and I've mock-addressed the baby saying "You have such a sweet loving mama don't you?". Hasn't happened often~just the rare occasions I'm talking to someone who is actually slinging or gently holding a little one (which is very rare in this rural part of the country).

[lilylove]

I think it's important to support and encourage other mothers, whether we know them or not.
I probably would have said something. Very few people are offended by a compliment.

[The4OfUs]

DS was going haywire in Old Navy, just as I reached the register, so I didn't want to leave, so I kind of let him do his thing while talking to him and checking out.....and I did get several sympathetic looks, and smiles and nods, which was GREAT compared to what I could have gotten (dirty looks, etc.)...so yes, I agree it's important to recognize gentle parenting, and like some of the suggestions above - I'll tuck them away for future reference!

[LoveBeads]

I will never forget the time I took my baby alone on an airplane to visit family out of state. She was fussy and crying for much of the flight and I was nursing and gently whispering and singing and doing everything I could to keep her happy. I felt terrible for those around us because she really did fuss for quite some time (I didn't time it but it was at least an hour).

After we landed, I was getting our stuff together and an older man (in his late 60's at least) walked by me and muttered "good mothering" and then he gave me a smile.

It really is true that a supportive word is something that somebody can remember forever. I still smile when I remember that comment.

[daniedb]

I always think, "What would I want to hear?" I think it was a great opportunity to say something, positive words are almost always a good idea. I like Lynns6's suggestions...they're not too invasive, just encouraging and uplifting.

[Joannarachel]

In Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago, DS 22 months was SERIOUSLY acting up while I was nursing DD 6months. I was trying to distract him and keep him quiet to no avail.

After we got up to leave an older lady came up to me and said, "Mama, you have a beautiful family and you are doing a wonderful job with them."

I just melted. It was such an act of kindness especially in that stressful situation.

[peacelovingmama]

[QUOTE=LynnS6]"I really admire how patient and loving you are being with your son. It's hard to be on BART with a fussy toddler."

"I just love it when I witness really lovely parenting like you're doing with your son. Thanks for making my day."

QUOTE]

Thanks everyone. These are nice and I'll file them away for future use. I agree with everyone that good parenting needs to be supported!

[hypatia]

I just wanted to chime in that if that had been me on the BART with a fussy toddler (and it has been me, many a time), it would really have made the moment so much more bearable to hear one of the lovely complements listed above.

[ZeldasMom]

In the past week I have had negative comments directed at me about my parenting on two separate occasions. It would have been great to have an ally step forward.

A comment that was directed at me that didn't feel so good that I think was well-intended:
"Thank you for calming him down."

I think some people don't tolerate crying well because of emotional issues it brings up for them, so it makes them say/do strange things. There is some interesting stuff in Parenting from the Inside Out about this. It's more of an anecdote I guess, but I try to think of this when people are acting annoyed with my children's behavior (it's not like my kids area crying all the time--I promise! ).

[loraxc]

I have been on the receiving end of something like that a couple of times, and it is true--it was really wonderful and made me feel so good (especially when my DD had really been a handful and I was self-conscious).

[Mama2RMM]

When I see someone handling a situation in such a positive, loving way I always try to approach them and say a few kind words.

There was a lady at lunch a month ago with 4 y.o. twin girls and a 6 y.o. boy and one of the girls was just having a melt down. She kept offering two (kind) choices to the little girl, was SO calm and just had an aura of patience about her.

After it settled down a bit, I just walked over and told her how impressed I was with her parenting style and that she had my compliments on her wonderful children. Her face LIT UP, you could tell that she was thinking I must've been coming to offer other "advice" on how to deal with her "evil" child.

[Wugmama]

I haven't read the other responses, but just the OP. I quite frequently offer commentary to parents who are doing a great job. Sometimes I am in awe adn tell them that I admire them, sometimes they are making the best of a tough situation and I tell them I've been there too, stuff like that. I'm not sure if some might consider it condesending, but I have only ever gotten positive responses back.

One time I saw a VERY young mama, like maybe 15, at an Arby's with I presume her mom. And this young girl, who seemed so childlike, not worldly, to the point it made me wonder how she came to have a baby in the first place iykwim, preceded to nurse this baby right at the booth. Man, I was just so impressed. As we were leaving, I walked passed her and put my hand on her shoulded and said something supportive, can't remember exactly what now. She beamed up at me, and so did the young mama's mother.

I know I always appreciate it when I get supportive comments from other moms. It does happen to me sometimes, but I personally wish it was more often. Sometimes in our society I feel so isolated. No tribal mentality, no sense of we are all in this together. We need to support one another.

~Tracy

[vermont mom]

You all are an inspiration: I will try harder to go out of my way to be supportive of other moms in situations like these. Also, on those occasions when I myself am having a difficult time and/or receive a compliment, I will appreciate remembering your kindness to these other mamas, whether delivered or not.