12 yr old and dvd issues

[starbound25]

I didnt know whether to put this here or in the stepfamilies thread but here goes
We have my DSD twice a week, for the most part she is a good kid but since she turned 12 she has been not caring about the rules of the house anymore and even when she is grounded or have privlidges taken away from her sure enough a week or two later she is doing it again

Here is the latest, Christmas last year we bought her a DVD player telling her the rules involved with the dvd player, no watching after bedtime, no taking our movies without asking no more than one movie a day etc
OK so a few months ago I clean her room and find the DVD for MR & Mrs Smith under her pillow, never asked us and no I dont approve of her watching that, so she gets spoken to and gets the dvd taken away for two weeks
Ok so yesterday she is here and I go in her room and she shuts the dvd player down a sure sign of something fishy she was watching CHarlies Angels, I tell DH and he says that movie is ok with him (not me) and tells her she should have asked and next time again she must get permission for any of our movies
So this morning I check her room for trash and food wrappers and open up her dvd player and she has the movie Clerks in there, if you dont know it it is rated R and COMPLETELY inappropriate for a 12 yr old, it makes me sick to think of her watching it
so now I have to take the dvd player away again but what will make it different for next time?????
Since we are the part time house its like our rules are weak and if she is in trouble its only for a day then she gets a week off so its not like a normal week grounding etc? KWIM??
I dont know what to do, right now I"m thinking that she doesnt get the dvd player back till next summer she is not mature enough to handle it
But what about the next time she doesnt listen its just like it doesnt matter to her since she'll be gone in a day kwim?
ugh pulling my hair out :

[moondiapers]

Since she only visits you and you aren't raising her, I'd leave the movie choices up to your husband. I do agree that she's shown she can't handle the DVD player though so I'd take it out of her room. Maybe a new rule about her needing to watch movies in the livingroom only so she can't hide with them. A set of headphones would keep it from disturbing others (it's a portable dvd player right?). Honestly, trying to change the rules about what she can watch is only going to get you resented. She's probably allowed to watch those movies at home. I'd not let her watch things that are really bad, but Charlies Angel's isn't on the extreme side (isn't it PG13?).

[moondiapers]

I wanted to add: Grounding her frequently's just going to make her not want to come to your house. She's old enough to start raising a stink and being really unpleasant if she doesn't want to be there...and in some states she's old enough to talk to the judge and advocate a custody or visitation change for herself. I'm not saying this to make you feel like she's holding you hostage, just to remind you that this is a delicate situation and if you have different rules than she has at home....well you may want to try and find a compromise that you can all live with.

[Marsupialmom]

I would also talk to her mom about what movies she is allowed to watch. She might be minipulating you both. If her mom says it is ok the you need not to pick this battle. I would still take the DVD player out of her room not because of lack of responcilbity but electronic equipment in bedrooms cause isolation and inappropriate use. If you watch something inappropriate with her you can at least discuss it.

[mammastar2]

How awkward. You kind of walked into it, with the DVD player in the room and different rules at her mom's, unfortunately. Turning it into a big power struggle will probably only backfire: as you've already seen, she's responding by sneaking. What about a family heart-to-heart where you try to discuss your concerns with her and ask her for her ideas about a solution?

[midwifetx]

I would still take the DVD player out of her room not because of lack of responcilbity but electronic equipment in bedrooms cause isolation and inappropriate use.

ITA with this statement. Most children will not police themselves appropriately when it comes to the use of personal electronics. I believe that DVD players and computers are usually best kept in public spaces in the house to avoid the temptation to misuse them.

[MillingNome]

Yeah on the dvd player in the room... not that my dd doesn't have it too What I was thinking is if she watched two movies that means for almost 3.5-4 hours she was in her room alone, unless she is sneaking it after bedtime (?). With little ones and a big one it can be hard to find stuff to do together but maybe if she's only there one day a week, you can try to plan fun stuff to do with her. What hobbies does she have? Sports? If you have to take the dvd player away, imo, I'd only take it out at night. Maybe you can talk with her and ask her what she thinks would remedy the situation. Make sure she understands why the rules are in place and let her question them. And I would make good and sure to get on the same page with dh (and her other mom if that would help) in dealing with dsd. Any 12 year old can be pretty good at divide and conquere.

[sunnysideup]

Maybe it would work to talk to dsd about setting up some peramiters for dvd watching. You could explain to her that you are concerned about some of the movies she's choosing (where is she getting them, btw?), and that you think she might not be ready for them. If you talk about your concerns with her, and also let her share her feelings and opinions with you, she is likely to feel less rebellious about it. It's possible she'll understand your reasoning, but it helps if you're somewhat flexible about it, and -I think this is important- if you look at this as an opportunity for guiding and teaching, instead of hard lines and punishment (lines beg to be crossed). Sometimes watching a movie together (even one you don't totally approve of) can be a great springboard to conversations about your values.

With my oldest dd (she'll be 14 at the end of November) we have never forbid her from watching any movie. But, we have talked about why I feel certain movies are not appropriate. She knows R rated movies are written for an adult audience, and that the movie would likely be too violent, or scary, or whatever. Recently, she did ask me if I thought it would be ok for her to watch V for Vendetta (rated R). She explained her reasons for wanting to see it--many of her friends had seen it and liked it, and she thought the story sounded good-- and I expressed my feelings that it might be too violent. I read some reviews of the movie and talked to friends that had seen it. I decided it would be ok if we watched it together, then we could talk about anything inappropriate as it came up. We ended up both liking the movie--I'm glad she pushed it!

I'd talk to your dsd and try to work together to find an acceptable middle ground--where you both can feel like you have some input. And, I agree with Marsupialmom that it would be better to have the dvd player in the living room.

[mammastar2]

I would take moving the dvd player into the living room out of the realm of punishment, though. In the course of discussing the issues that have come up, I'd also bring up that the more you think about it, the less you like the idea of her being isolated from the rest of the family in her room watching dvd's - you understand that, like all kids her age, she needs some alone time, but she's only with you once a week, and setting her up to spend that much time alone takes away from the time with her that all of you value.

Suggest that you all have a family dvd night, or (if she doesn't want to watch 'kid' shows) that she and her dad have a dvd night (or she and you), and that she's in charge of picking the dvd. I would suggest that if you're not keen on what she picks, within reason you watch it with her anyway, and discuss it after - try to be a bit open ended about it so she doesn't totally shut down.

[starbound25]

Wow I didnt expect all these responses!
There is a lot more background that you all would need to understand to get the dynamic we have here but that would take a long time
small examples are her mothers house and our house run very differently
at her moms she goes to bed between midnight and 1am, here is it 10:30
she has almost no rules at her mothers house, here I try to keep some structure and rules because she needs that
The dvd player was bought because she doesnt watch tv when she is here because the girls would want to watch with her and she watches cartoon or shows I dont want the toddlers watching
She has a computer at her mothers house with internet, here she has a computer in her room but NO internet
She comes over mondays nights at 8pm, the girls are in bed and I go to bed about an hour later so we dont have family time
wednesdays DH picks her up from school and they are all home by 3:30 and she hangs out with DH and the girls all afternoon, I come home we all have dinner then she hangs out in her room the rest of the night
So its an odd timing schedule its not like shes here all weekend and we have all this time to schedule activities, it is what it is
We have had the heart to heart of why R rated or some movies are too adult for her and that didnt work
I totally understand wanting to watch "bad" movies, I remember being 11yrs old watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High and loving that movie, a would never want her to see that, but I "get" it KWIM
I think my plan right now is, that she can watch one movie when she is here on wednesdays and she has to request the dvd player and what movie she wants and then return the dvd player and movie when done
Its all a fine line I'm trying to walk here

[Roar]

Wouldn't it be simplier to just keep R rated movies stored some place where she doesn't have access to them?

[mammastar2]

Originally Posted by Roar

Wouldn't it be simplier to just keep R rated movies stored some place where she doesn't have access to them?

Oh, good point! Where do the movies come from?

As a stepparent, I understand the 'fine line' problem. Given the limited time with her, I would really suggest compromising wherever you can. Maybe she stays up later than you would be keen on, or sees some stuff that isn't your favorite. Figure out what you can live with - it's also very hard on a kid to go to bed at times 2-3 hours apart in two homes for example! I can understand having stuff in her room for her to relax with, but if after supper is the only time at home when she might not have her little siblings around, I think it might be a good idea to try to use it for some more 'big kid' stuff with you and her dad, where possible.

[starbound25]

I dont feel I should have to move the R rated movies
All the movies are together in the living room, I think she needs to learn the responsibility and maturity to respect the rules and not touch the R rated movies
If a couple drinks wine every night with their dinner they dont store it in a cooler in the basement to make sure their teenagers dont touch it, you let them know it is not for them and trust they wont go and drink it KWIM
(we dont drink at all just trying to use another example)

[Roar]

Originally Posted by starbound25

I dont feel I should have to move the R rated movies
All the movies are together in the living room, I think she needs to learn the responsibility and maturity to respect the rules and not touch the R rated movies
If a couple drinks wine every night with their dinner they dont store it in a cooler in the basement to make sure their teenagers dont touch it, you let them know it is not for them and trust they wont go and drink it KWIM
(we dont drink at all just trying to use another example)

If the child shows repeatedly that having the wine accessible is causing them problems, then yes parents probably should move it. Sometimes making something inaccessible is the best solution to solving the problem (at least that's what I've figured out about me and keeping piles of chocolate in the house!)

I guess it depends on what you are aiming for. I'm not of the opinion that you can make or punish a person into being responsible or mature. Taking away her DVD player isn't making her more responsible, it is making it impossible for her to watch DVDs. Moving the DVDs is doing the same thing, it is just another way to do it.

Most of all my suggestion would be to sit down with her and try to work out a solution together.

[NiteNicole]

I was also going to suggest just moving the moves. Maybe you shouldn't have to but do you want to be right or do you want to keep her from watching inappropriate movies? This has already happend a few times and the other soultions aren't working. You can keep fighting and punishing or you can just move the source of the problem. It seems like the least unpleasant soultion for everyone.

And yes, if my 12 year old were repeatedly sneaking into my bar stash I'd either move it get rid of it.

[sunnysideup]

I agree with Roar. If wine were a problem for my child I'd move the wine. Of course, that wouldn't be all I would do--I'd look at what was causing the problem and try to fix that.

I'm just guessing here--but I was thinking there might not be very many movie choices she's interested in? Maybe a trip to the video rental place would help?

[starbound25]

she has a large selection of movies purchased for her to choose from and when she is only to watch one a week I dont think its bordom, its think its the normal curiosity and the "getting away with it" aspect
I feel like moving them will just make her want to watch them more because they are forbidden an locked up
Her mother also does not approve of anything rated R but her mother doesnt really have a lot of dvds they usually just watch tv they are not movie people where we are a big movie family
DH takes her out to the movies by himself once a month so they have alone time
Again I've done the heart to heart because DH is not so good at it and I need other options
We give an inch she takes a mile, there seems to be no middle

[sunnysideup]

I have a great book suggestion that might be helpful-- How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

[Ambrose]

Originally Posted by starbound25

I think my plan right now is, that she can watch one movie when she is here on wednesdays and she has to request the dvd player and what movie she wants and then return the dvd player and movie when done
Its all a fine line I'm trying to walk here

Bolding mine.

Thsi stuck out to me. What does your DH (your dsd's biological parent) have to say about any of this? I think he should be the one to formulate a plan, tell her about it, and implement it. I DONT think it should be YOU doing it as I see that just causing more rebeliousness in the DVD movie watching department. You aren't her mom, if you lay the rules down she'll likely go "uhh, no" and continue to disrespect and sneak around.

JMO, coming from being a step child at one point...

[starbound25]

I am the one who has the talks with her and lays down the rules with her
DH does the guy thing and says things like "I'm not dealing with this crap with you anymore, you know the rules so listen to them"
this does nothing and is why I get put in charge of the situations, its just how it is here
We'll talk about what to do and then he'll tell me to talk to her, he thinks its easier coming from a woman than from him
She doesnt pull the "your not my mom" stuff with me, she calls me mom and her parents split up when she was 2yrs old so she doenst know them together and it has made our closeness easier and harder