Any tips on getting DH on board with a HB?

[lolalola]

Hello lovely ladies,
I have very delicately planted the seed for the possibility of having a HB. However, DH is nervous and dead-set against it. I think it stems from the birth of our son, because the cord was wrapped tightly around his neck at birth and it scared DH. (All is fine). Also, I had difficulty birthing the placenta, and there was brief talk of surgical removal before it was gently pulled out by the res. surg. Anyway, this will be our third and final birth, and I would really like to have the baby at home. Any suggestions/tips for getting DH to come around? Thanks for reading.
Lola

[BelgianSheepDog]

Have him make a list of his concerns and schedule a meeting with the midwife so he can hear her responses.

[anothermama]

I sent my husband away on a trip with the Henci Goer book and he came back a changed man.

[paxye]

Well... first I would look at his (and your) fears one by one and address them...
A lot of babies are born with their cords tightly around their necks... the cord is unwrapped and that is it...
this can be done by anyone.. at the hospital or at home... I believe that at home the cord is more likely to remain intact after the delivery which will help that baby breathe.
As for the placenta... what time frame did they put on you? some moms deliver the placenta earlier than others... Often it is within a half-hour but for some moms it is longer... Were you able to squat or were you laying down (gravity can be a big factor)
Was the baby allowed to nurse right away? That will help to expel the placenta also...
One of the last things that you would want done would be for someone to tug on the placenta since that could lead to bleeding...

Anyways... look at the fears one by one... most of the things that people are scared of surrounding birth are not really scary once you know what it means and how to deal with it.

[laohaire]

Well, I think a big point is to acknowledge your DH's wonderful protectiveness of you. Sometimes husbands and wives go head to head about this when really they want the same thing - what's best for the family. Obviously the specifics of what's best are often in disagreement, but if you start by positioning yourself and DH on the same team, it helps.

Next, you'll want to respond to his specific fears. Obviously the cord around the neck is a big one, and it was for my DH too (his sister had that). We were all (including me) surprised to learn that this is common, not a big deal in the slightest, and handled by a midwife the same as a doctor handles it (except the doctor makes a big deal out of it, and the midwife doesn't ).

I don't know what happened with your 3rd stage labor, but it is likely they overreacted and possibly put you in danger with their intervention (it is VERY risky to pull out, even if gently, a placenta - risk of bleeding out). A midwife is used to this kind of event (not even sure if I would call it a complication).

Now, the next trick is to get your DH to name all of his other fears so you can both research it (or probably it will be just you researching but reporting to him). What I personally have found - and you'll have to find for yourself too, to make this decision - is that there are very, very few true emergencies in birth. By true emergencies, I mean events that require immediate intervention to prevent serious injury or death. One of those emergencies is prolapsed cord. But the chances of prolapsed cord go down with a homebirth because a midwife is much less likely to do routine rupture of membranes (which increases the chances of prolapsed cord).

With my DH, the more he heard of this stuff, the more he was convinced that hospitals are dangerous places.

To be honest, he never got over his anxiety 100% but very few men do (I don't say that none of them do, I know another man who actually was the one who convinced his wife to do a homebirth). He did however decide to support me on this after we addressed his SPECIFIC concerns (you can't address a vague concern like "something could happen" - well, what?) and he saw the pattern of intervention that often causes problems, and then the hospitals take credit for "saving" the baby (or mama).

Oh, and men like numbers and studies. This recent one showed similar neonatal deaths for low risk home births and low risk hospital births (translation: home birth is JUST AS SAFE as hospital births for low risk women) plus reduced interventions (so not only are the statistical outcome of death the same, but the general problems are REDUCED for home births):
http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/conte...505/1416?ehom_

[lolalola]

Originally Posted by paxye

As for the placenta... what time frame did they put on you? some moms deliver the placenta earlier than others... Often it is within a half-hour but for some moms it is longer... Were you able to squat or were you laying down (gravity can be a big factor)
Was the baby allowed to nurse right away? That will help to expel the placenta also...
One of the last things that you would want done would be for someone to tug on the placenta since that could lead to bleeding...

Anyways... look at the fears one by one... most of the things that people are scared of surrounding birth are not really scary once you know what it means and how to deal with it.

Paxye~You know, I can't recall the time frame exactly, but I don't think it was longer than half an hour. I was laying down, not squatting. I didn't think of that possibility at the time. Good point. The bleeding was a concern. My doctor would not tug on it for that reason, and so the surg. was called in.
Regarding fear, I am confident in my ability to have a successful HB, but worried that if DH is anxious, it might affect my state of mind KWIM? I will talk with him about his fears, one by one, though, and hopefully he will trust me and himself to know what to do if something should happen unexpectedly.
Thanks so much!

anothermama~ what is the book's title? Thanks.

Belgiansheepdog~ very good idea. That's another issue as well, b/c midwives are few and far between here. Thanks.

[lolalola]

loahaire~ Thank-you for your detailed response and for the link. You are soooo right about men liking numbers and stats I think the more info that I can provide him regarding the safety of HB the more he might reconsider. He is a reasonable man afterall And yes, I agree that addressing the issue of protectiveness is likely to warrant some "likemindedness". Thanks again.

[MamaSong]

Information was definitely what changed my dh's mind. We took Bradley classes, and while I don't really subscribe 100% to the "Bradley Method" - my husband learned everything and more about birthin' babies. By about 6 weeks into the classes he told me that he felt comfortable with wherever I wanted to have the baby. He finally felt confident and trusted in my body. Now he's even getting behind my idea to UC/UP the next one. That's the magic of HB - it empowers both of you....good luck!

[lolalola]

Originally Posted by MamaSong

That's the magic of HB - it empowers both of you....good luck!

Yes, this is what I think too. I have been empowered "by proxy" from reading the beautiful HB stories here on MDC. Thanks!

[kathan12904]

Tell him that when he gets pregnant he can choose where he delivers!

I'd suggest the Ina May books. They are a little flaky, but they have a lot of dads' perspectives. It points out how much more a part of the birthing proccess dads are when its at home as opposed to at a hospital.

[lolalola]

[QUOTE=kathan12904]Tell him that when he gets pregnant he can choose where he delivers! QUOTE]

This was my first thought. But, if I wan't to get a dialogue started...probably not the best way to start off! Thanks for the info on the books.

[~Mamaterra~]

Education, education, education!!!!

The more you meet his/your fears with sound information (both scientific and ancedotal) the better prepared you will be to make that decision. My dh is a perfect case in point, going from his belief to all births happen in a hospital before we were married to watching me birth our 3rd baby unassisted 12 days ago!!!

Now he firmly believes that home is the SAFE place to birth and the hospital is the RISKY place...again, education, education, education!!!

[lolalola]

Originally Posted by cdnmom

My dh is a perfect case in point, going from his belief to all births happen in a hospital before we were married to watching me birth our 3rd baby unassisted 12 days ago!!!

Now he firmly believes that home is the SAFE place to birth and the hospital is the RISKY place...again, education, education, education!!!

First, congratulations on the birth of your babe!!!!
I have been collecting as many studies, and HB advocacy literature as I can get my hands on today. Thanks.

[MsElle07]

My approach was perhaps slighly less gentle than others here. I told me DH that I was having the baby at home. I would try to make him more comfortable and get him the information he needed to help him feel safe, but that I WAS having the baby at home. He could choose to be there or not be there.

[bluebirdmama]

lolalola

I'd like to add that just because you had difficulty birthing the placenta last time doesn't mean that you will again. There are many reasons for retained placenta and from what I understand most are not cause for concern of reoccurrence with future pregnancies.

When my ds was born at home, everything went great until the 3rd stage when the placenta didn't deliver. We trasfered to the hospital by ambulance and I had to have the placenta removed surgically. My midwife has assurred me that it doesn't mean that I'm destined for a repeat next time. If you are concerned about it you can do some reading on how best to manage the 3rd stage.

I am a major supporter of homebirth but I was also glad to be within easy transfer distance of a hospital in case of problems. Knowing that you can always go to the hospital if you need to may help your husband feel better about some of his fears.

And as everyone else has said, education is the key, not just for doubtful husbands but for also for the general public. There are lots of great books out there and many studies showing that homebirth is safer for healthy uncomplicated pregnancies than the hospital.

Let's remember that hospital birth is the new trend in birthing - women have been birthing at home for much longer than we've been birthing in the hospital. That was the thing that got my husband on board in the beginning and the more we learned, the more of a homebirth advocate he became!

[Gray's Mommy]

I was pretty straighforward with my DH about where I was having this baby...at home I told him if complications came up with the birth, then I would gladly transfer to the hospital & go from there. He is on board with me now & even told the guys in the police dept. we are homebirthing .THAT shocked me more than anything!

[lolalola]

Bluebirdmama~

I'd like to add that just because you had difficulty birthing the placenta last time doesn't mean that you will again. There are many reasons for retained placenta and from what I understand most are not cause for concern of reoccurrence with future pregnancies.

Yes, this is true. DS was 17 days early (well, according to the EDD), I wonder if that had anything to do with it? It was very scary for DH though, and I know he felt "out of control" and glad we were in hospital. I'll need to find some information regarding retained placenta and the fact that it is unlikely to affect future pregnancies. Thanks for your reply!

Grays Mommy~ Congratulations!!!! I am only 6 weeks along yet, so I'm hoping the more I talk about HB, and the more info I can provide, DH will feel more comfortable. Baby steps Thanks!

[umami_mommy]

i am of the belief that it's your birth and your decision and it's up to him to convince you if he thinks you should birth somewhere you don't want to birth.

i would absolutely want to hear all his concerns straight out and then send him on his way to research if his fears are true. since almost all fears about homebrith are unfounded, he'll have trouble backing them up.

while i totally believe that it's good for you to empathize with him and acknowledge his fears, at some point you have to seperate your birth from his emotions. and he will have to take responsibility for his feelings and not impose his fears on you. he needs to deal with his own fears by educating himself not by making pronouncements about where you need to birth.

i know this may sound harsh, but i have heard this argument so many times, and seen so many women set aside their dreams of a HB for their husbands that it just breaks my heart.

[lolalola]

while i totally believe that it's good for you to empathize with him and acknowledge his fears, at some point you have to seperate your birth from his emotions. and he will have to take responsibility for his feelings and not impose his fears on you. he needs to deal with his own fears by educating himself not by making pronouncements about where you need to birth.

honeybeedreams~ I think you have tapped into exactly what is going on with DH and I. His fears are not mine, and yet I feel responsible for putting his mind at ease. It is difficult because I know that other people in my life will be equally concerned/horrified by my decision to HB (family,friends) and I will forever be justifying my choice to people who don't understand (or who think I'm crazy). Makes for an isolating pregnancy
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate all your comments.