sibling quarrels

[desultory]

My 8 and 5 yr. old have been good friends forever, and until recently rarely quarrelled. Lately though, my 8 yr. old has been really unkind to her brother -- promising to play with him and then quitting after a few minutes, taking control of their pretend play and bossing him, speaking very sarcastically, etc. I've tried to help ds express his feelings about this to her, and she seems receptive, but hasn't changed her behavior much. I understand that she's getting older and that a lot of the things they used to love doing together just aren't as appealing to her now, but it's breaking ds's heart to lose his playmate. I won't force her to play with him, but I feel deeply disappointed that she doesn't have more compassion for her brother and I don't know how to ease his grief. I'm also terribly sad about this -- I was so happy that they got along so well. My sister and I never did, and still don't, and I want so much for them to be able to trust each other and enjoy each other's company. This is part of a host of other difficulties my ds is experiencing now, but it's the one that is most immediate. I've read "Siblings Without Rivalry" and loved it, but I'm hoping someone here has some suggestions for other books I might read, or just any advice/thoughts on this. tia!

[oliversmum2000]

i have just come out of a horrible phase with my ds's

older ds was hitting younger ds a lot and i found it really upsetting - i tried evrything to stop it

nothing worked, so i tried a different approach i didnt say anything, i felt like i was letting him get away with it but doing something just made it worse. things got dramatically better very quickly, now he hardly ever hits him and the two of them seem to be getting on better than ever before

older ds was crying when he went into schoolon the first morning when he went to school and younger ds didnt go into the hursery at his school, he sat on his teachers knee and cried for his little brother....this was a huge turnaround

for us, this time doing nothing worked the best

[desultory]

Do you think it was 'just a phase' that your ds went through? See, it's only been a few weeks, and it's mild so far, but I'm already kinda panicking thinking that they'll never be friends again. I haven't actually intervened so much as served as a sounding board for ds, and giving him lots of hugs and attention, but I have pointed out ds's tears to dd. I have a hard time seeing dd not care about her brother's feelings, but I guess I could give her some time and space to work through this on her own.

[LynnS6]

I think it's in Playful Parenting that the author points out that a lot of times sibling "problems" (especially older-younger ones) are a call for attention on the part of the 'aggressor'.

Is your dd under stress? does SHE need more time with you?

I wonder if having a few simple rules about games -- if you start a board game, you need to finish it, or something like that would help. Alas, a 5 year old boy and an 8 year old girl ARE at different periods of development and they might have different interests for a while.

What kinds of things do they both like to do? Maybe doing them with all THREE of you, will help foster a closer bond. And maybe looking for another playmate for your ds?

Ultimately though, their relationship is THEIRS, and you can only model and listen. If it helps, I have 4 siblings, and our relationships have changed over the years -- from being ignored (by my older sisters), to out and out fighting (my sister closest in age to me) as kids, to decent adult relationships. My dh nad his sister didn't play much together as kids, and now they are VERY close. So, don't give up hope.

[lisser]

I have a 9 and 6 yr old. They are often mean to each other, in part, due to their bio-moms abuse, but in part because of their age.

We have made a deal that the 9yo will get 20 minutes of alone time after morning snack and afternoon snack. This really helps him be nicer to his brother.

I agree w/ the PP, find out what the issue w/ the older one might be. It *is* developmentally a large age gap. I also try to remind the older one to be kind...ie..."if someone never let you make up the rules to a game, how would you feel?" etc.

HTH,

Lisser

[oliversmum2000]

do you think maybe your 8yo needs some space?

i would try to validate your daughter in her feelings of not wanting to play with her little brother, as she probably feels bad about it too.

maybe something else is bothering her at school or somewhere else so she isnt feeling herself?

when 5yo wants his brother out of his room i always let him as his room is his own space. generally it isnt long before they are together again.

i used to worry about their long term relationship but am trying to focus more on the day to day stuff at the moment

[desultory]

Wow -- this is such an active list, I had a hard time finding my old thread. I wanted to thank y'all for your thoughtful responses. I'm going to get PP from the library again, or maybe splurge and just buy it this time. Also, yes, I do think my 8 yo needs some space -- they're homeschooled, share a bedroom, and just generally have been 'inseparable' from the git-go. It's sad when one needs space and the other doesn't. Thanks again everyone.